Every moment a chance to begin again - Reboot Journal

[clandr]

Every moment a chance to begin again - Reboot Journal
Jan. 25, 2020
Entry 1

Current status:
I am 23 days into this reboot. So, 23 days sober, I suppose (including today, so far). Or 23 days with no PMO. I'm sure I'll figure out all the terminology as I go. Definitely flatlining, which, frankly, I'm kind of enjoying because I know it's temporary and I'm taking it as a sign that my brain is healing. That and the triggers don't seem to be as strong right now. I'm confident the cravings will increase though (past experience with reboots tells me this is true). My longest record that I can remember recently was a little over 90 days (that was a few years ago).

My current techniques are as follows: I started this reboot with a 24-hour fast. No food, no water. It was a good experience. It felt very primal, abstaining from basic needs. Toward the end of the 24-hour period, I felt more and more in control. I knew there was food around and I had all these thoughts of what I could eat, but I felt in control at a base level. It was very motivating. I plan to try it again during my reboot, especially once the cravings increase. After reading YBOP, I believe I'm what is called an intermittent user. I understand the neuroplastic changes due to intermittent use can "increase cravings, heighten stress responses, and can produce severe withdrawal symptoms."

I'm trying to drop or limit a lot of social media (Facebook, Instagram) and I'm trying to limit my TV watching to a couple times a week and only one or two episodes (I used to binge-watch Netflix all the time). I've also changed shows that I watch. If it's got a TV-MA rating I know it's gonna have a trigger for me. I live alone and currently don't have a girlfriend (we ended things about eight months ago); strangely the break-up wasn't about PMO. I did post on Instagram today though and hitting the search led me to a bunch of "suggested activity," with account profile pics of suggestive images. I didn't stay long and went and started some other activity. No PMO. A small victory. I'm hoping this won't trigger me later into PMO'ing, though. I'm definitely feeling fragile at the moment. Generally, it's been my experience that suggestive images are triggers for me which, unfortunately, are practically everywhere you go even without your cell phone. YBOP also explained natural dopamine. Consequently, I've been trying to exercise more.

Background:
My first encounters with pornography were with the advent of the internet. 1995-ish, I think. I was probably around 10 years old, maybe. We had dial-up and me and some friends would do internet searches. It would take 10 - 20 minutes for a single image to load (it was probably faster, but in my young mind it seemed like a long time), and after an hour or so we'd usually get bored and go back outside to play. All through high school porn just wasn't available and I don't recall ever actively seeking it out. I had a girlfriend and plenty of friends. I was very active; sports, church, job, school. It wasn't until my early twenties that it really hooked me. Even then it wasn't until my late twenties before I associated addiction with porn, much less that I could be an addict. I came to the realization finally. Any sexual problems I had with girlfriends during this time I usually just chalked up to nerves or "it's been a while." The relationships never lasted long anyway. I somehow knew that if they found out I looked at porn they'd probably bail, so I'd end the relationship before it got too serious. I've tried a few support groups/addiction recovery groups locally, but most of my "recovery" (which has been the last, maybe, 5 - 7 years) has just been me white-knuckling it and refusing to admit that I need help outside of my own willpower. And I haven't stuck with any of the support groups. Honestly, there've been some dark years. Depression and anxiety. A cycle of PMO bingeing followed by a few weeks of abstinence, then bingeing again. Year in, year out.

I just re-read the last paragraphs and, while honest, may convey that I'm quite down. But this reboot and the last 23 days have actually been really great. I've got a positive outlook and I'm feeling motivated, overall.

Goals:
I've tried goals in the past and I've learned that the broad, shoot-for-the-moon goals usually mean I go down in flames faster. Generally, they were broad like, "I'm never PMO'ing again." I'm trying to take a more practical approach this time around. My goal is to get to 90 days without PMO and to direct my thoughts toward my hobbies whenever I start to fantasize. YBOP suggested avoiding all artificial sexual stimulation. I hope to accomplish this 90 days by increasing natural dopamine (exercise, real life social interactions) and decreasing media usage (Netflix, fb, etc.).

My biggest question right now (which I'm studying) is how can I handle stress/anxiety in a more productive way, rather than running to overeating or PMO.

 

[clandr]

Every moment a chance to begin again - Reboot Journal
Mar. 28, 2020
Entry 2

Current status:
I am 86 days into this reboot. 86 days sober (including today, so far). Or 86 days with no PMO.

Overall, I feel good. I feel in control. Cravings are down. Temptations are down. I don't have a sense of dread that a craving is going to crop up and I won't be able to handle it, or I won't know what to do. This is both encouraging and an area of warning for me. I don't want to get over-confident or arrogant. That thinking would lead me to stop doing what I've been doing and lead me to slip, even slowly or even slightly down the slope I don't want to travel.

That being said, I can feel areas for improvement. For example, I'm indulging sexual fantasies a bit more than I did at the outset of my reboot. When I do this, I can sense a pulling away from the good place where I was. I can sense a dividing in my mind of where I feel comfortable and happy and where I feel insecure, lonely, and undisciplined. How I've typically handled this in the beginning section of my reboot was, as directed in Your Brain on Porn by Gary Wilson, to acknowledge the thought(s) (sexual fantasy), do not condemn or criticize myself, and acknowledge that I'm having a sexual fantasy or indulging a sexual fantasy and that it's not real. NOT REAL. Then I intentionally or purposefully direct my thinking toward something else. In this manner, I don't get stuck on criticizing myself for the P-Sub, which, at least for me, is a form of fantasizing. Essentially, when I'm sitting here thinking about not thinking about P, then in reality I'm thinking about P. So, I direct my thoughts to something real and something different so that my mind is now engaged with a different topic. There's no shame that I was fantasizing, there's no dwelling on it. I just acknowledge I've picked up the snake, so to speak, that it's dangerous, I then drop the snake and move toward something entirely different. I suppose this isn't the best metaphor, but I'm just free-writing this journal entry.

Backtracking to 86 days. There are two sobriety milestones coming up. They're more milestones for me. 90 days which is double 45 days. I read somewhere that after 45 days your brainwaves normalize to a great extent. So, 90 is double that. The other is 100 days. And that's a milestone simply because it's a nice, round number. Now, historically, milestone sobriety day counts for me have been a cause for increased risk of relapsing and subsequent self-recrimination. "I had all this sobriety! I was doing so great! How could I backtrack?! What is wrong with me?!" And that kind of thinking would dominate my mind for a few days, which would usually lead to binge PMO, rapid content escalation, and a significant return of numbness. I wouldn't feel happy, for sure. But I wouldn't really feel all that down. Just a steady numb. And I hate that. I'm coming up on 90 days; I don't want to get over-confident and I don't want to relapse. Consequently, I'm trying to increase my activity.

1. Reading the scriptures and prayer (some may not agree, but I've found religion helps me and I've also seen in anonymous meetings that believing/relying in a higher power or a power greater than yourself does help) So, I'm not gonna turn down help.

2. Exercise is really great. Natural endorphins and dopamine. I can just get down on the floor and do as many push-ups as I can. Focus on it. Then rest and do it again, until my arms are tired. Then keep going till I'm sore and my mind naturally dwells on how my arms hurt.

3. Decreasing my media usage. I've tapered off most of my social media to a small trickle. Candidly though, this is a weak area for me. A kind of gateway drug which mixes all my weaknesses. I'm bored, I'm physically and mentally tired, I don't have anything else going (and don't want to do much of anything), combined with extra time on my hands. I'm mindlessly scrolling through social media. My thoughts are no longer being directed by me. My thoughts are being directed by whatever is coming next on the feed. Then because I'm in this weakened mindset, I easily slip into looking for P-Subs. I believe my increased desire/cravings for P-Subs, especially via social media, are withdrawal symptoms and my brain's response to not getting the dopamine from P.

I digress. I was talking about affirmative activities I'd like to increase as I approach a sobriety milestone count.

4. I've been focusing on my New Years Resolutions from January. I actually made a fairly extensive list. Different areas of my life where I'd like to improve, and I've been working on those.

5. Fasting. I wrote about this in my first post. I've found this really helps. I fast about once a month. And it helps me focus on basics. We need food and water to survive. And I abstain from food and water for a day. For me, it's almost like a mental reboot within my over-arching reboot.

6. Back to media. I've dropped TV-MA/R tv shows and movies. But not just that, I'm trying to focus on more uplifting-type shows. Lately, it's been crime procedurals. I don't know how uplifting they are necessarily, but they don't have P-Subs or triggers usually.

7. I outlined in my last post that I was trying to increase my social interactions with real human beings. I think I've done much better about this. Struck up some acquaintanceships at my church. I've been increasing my family visits. YBOP by Gary Wilson explained that this is natural dopamine, is good, and assists with re-wiring your brain. I think I'm getting better at this. And I think it's helping.

8. I need to write more in this reboot journal. It's a good activity and honestly, I've been terrible at it. But I'm not going to dwell on how I haven't done something that I should've; just focus on what I can do now. My aunt calls this "Shoulding on yourself." It's kind of funny; play on words.

I'm still working on handling stress and anxiety in a more productive manner, but I'm feeling better than I have in a long time. My thoughts feel like my own. I feel clear and generally connected. I'm grateful I found Gary Wilson's book, YBOP, and that I took the time to read it. Probably one of the better decisions of my life. Top twenty for sure.

 

[clandr]

Every moment a chance to begin again - Reboot Journal
Apr. 25, 2020
Entry 3

Current status:
I am 5 days from my last relapse. I was at 99 days, then I willfully PMO'ed, then went on a three-day binge followed by sporadic PMO several days later. I spent some time hating myself again, kicking myself for losing my way, berating myself because I had been doing so well and feeling really healthy and clear. Honestly, better than I've felt in years. Spent some more time feeling sorry for myself and wondering if it was all worth it. But after this, I'm trying to pick myself back up and move forward. I exercised today. I feel good.
I know I'm not starting over and I know I haven't lost all the ground I've gained, but it does feel that way to some extent. Regardless of this, I'm determined.

 

[ShadeTrenicin]

Hey Clandr,

First of all welcome to the forum, although you've already been here for quite a while.

I just wanted to welcome you and wish you good luck.  A more elaborate reply will follow later today or maybe towmorrow!
Seems you've really put in an amazing effort already and determined what helps or does not help for you!

Good luck brother, i'm rooting for you

 

[ShadeTrenicin]

Hey Clandr,

As promised a more elaborate reply.

It sucks that you had a relapse. But as you've written yourself you haven't lost all the progress. So indeed, the best to do is to pick up where you left off!

In general you seem to have a lot of things figured out already. You've recognized your triggers, or weakened mindsets, decreased certain media and increased on things that are positive for you like reading scripture, working out, fasting and writing in this journal.

On the fasting i want to ask you a question; do you not feel weakened after a day of fasting? Normally you might achieve a very positive feeling from this. But as an addict is can it not induce a weakened (mental) state in which you are more proned to relapse? I have no idea how you as a person respond to fasting. But I was just wondering.

So in general you feel better, that your thouhts are yours and that you are more connected.

Seems to me you've taken quite some steps in the good direction!

Laslty, about the relapse. It happens man! You're only human. It is another bump in the road and they are part of the journey. But as you yourself said; you haven't lost all progress. Best to pick up where you left off.

Cheers, I'm rooting for you!

 

[Andrew1973]

Hi Clandr,

I have just read your journal from oldest to latest post (in that order). I really identified with what you had to say and could see many parallels in my own experience, and the bit on fantasies is particularly pertinent for me right now and it was helpful for me to read (so thankyou). You seem to be really tuned into yourself and have a clear plan. What a tremendous achievement to get to 99 days and what a wise decision to come here and share after a stumble - that shows real humility and positive intent and I applaud you. If you'd be willing to share, I'd really be interested to know what the factors were that led up to your relapse. I relapsed at the end of last year just short of a milestone (it was only 30 days for me), and attributed that to a mixture of complacency and self congratulation. Do you think this was a factor or other reasons? Would more frequent connectivity here help (you clearly have a lot to offer the community). I guess it would be helpful to clearly identify the route cause to be able to identify it when it comes around again.

Celebrate the fact that the 99 days will have been of tremendous benefit to you (You haven't lost all progress, as Shade says), the fact that you have come on here and shared will have helped others (you've helped me for a start), and the fact that you have 'got back on your horse' and are heading firmly in the right direction again.

Take care, and keep talking to us!

 

[clandr]

Every moment a chance to begin again - Reboot Journal
May 19, 2020
Entry 4

Current status:
I am 8 days from my last relapse. As usual, with an initial relapse it always seems to "necessitate" me falling down several more times before getting back up off the tarmac and into the air. I don't want to dwell on the fact that I relapsed so much as why. And I only want to examine why for purposes of my own education and understanding so I can, perhaps, not relapse for those same reasons again. But, if I'm being honest (and as this is an addiction), I'll probably relapse for the same reason a lot. Regardless, I don't want to degrade or accuse myself as I typically do. That never helps me. And it always makes me feel like dirt (even though I sometimes feel I deserve it). And feeling lousy about myself has never helped me get back up and try again. But getting back up and trying again is exactly what I need (and want) to do. I know this recovery works. I feel better and clearer and, as YBOP by Gary Wilson talks about, I need to get angry. I need to get angry at this addiction and move forward.

For me, I think I've found through my reading a sort of Bermuda Triangle, so to speak, of why I relapse. Helplessness, hopelessness, and worthlessness. One of these three (or all of them) are always present whenever I relapse. Without exception. They're further augmented whenever I'm a combination of tired, hungry, rejected, annoyed, or angry (or some other form of stressed).

Helplessness is a tricky one because it's difficult for me to admit I'm helpless. Let me give an example. I've got plans for the evening, it was a long day at work, I'm tired, hungry, but hopeful about the plans; then they fall through. Then I can't think of anything else to do and I end up settling for something lame. So, in that moment I've combined tired, hungry, dejection (plans canceled), disappointment, and here I am feeling helpless. As though I'm stuck feeling bad and there's nothing I can do about it because it happened TO me (out of my control) rather than me doing something. Now, I'm not saying I immediately run to PMO at this juncture. But in a scenario like that it does make it much easier to justify PMO in my mind.

Hopelessness, I think, is the one that gets me probably 80% of the time (candidly, it's probably more). For me, when I'm feeling hopeless this usually looks like a cynical attitude. Who cares? Does sobriety even matter? I'm only hurting myself anyway and there's nothing else to do, and I may as well enjoy it because I'm so far down this hole I may as well take up residence. For me, it's the "who cares?" mentality or does it really matter? This is hopelessness. Again, this is very difficult for me to admit to myself, especially in the moment. I combine having to deal with irksome clients all day, with spiral thinking of everything I "should" be doing in my life, tiredness, some anger/annoyance (maybe at traffic), and then throw in there some Who-Cares-About-Sobriety and suddenly I've got a nice cocktail of "likelihood to relapse" skyrocketing. Again, this isn't a guarantee that I will relapse, but it definitely makes it easier to justify PMO in my mind. Suddenly, all my reasons for wanting to reboot (and they're damn good reasons, if I do say so myself) are out the window and downplayed.

Worthlessness dovetails with hopelessness, for me. Worthlessness tells me that I'm not good enough. Regardless of your sobriety and regardless of how hard you try you'll always be addicted to this stuff. And this kind of thinking, in turn, augments my "well, then who cares?" mentality. Throw in there some other emotional stressors and I'm more likely to relapse. It's very difficult to counter thoughts of worthlessness. It's difficult to stand up and say, "hey, I matter! I'm important. I'm worth the effort."

Now, I realize that we all have stressors. Life is stressful. I've been dealing with stress and stressful things for a long time. So, I can't say I relapse because I'm tired. Or I relapse because I had to work with annoying clients. Or I relapse because of all the other difficult aspects of my life. Those difficult things are going to happen anyway. For me, it's dealing with those stressors and realizing the effect they're having on my way of thinking, on my train of thought. That's the key, I think. The bad combination of stressors piles higher and higher (as usually happens in life) and, over the years, I've trained my mind to, essentially, collapse under the pressure with PMO. I think I have to hold up all of that pile. Or hold back all that water, like a dam, in order to be "successful." It's a form of perfectionism. An all-or-nothing frame of mind. But a simple change to my thoughts can allow me to "escape" the craving or temptation, at least for that moment (which is really all I need), until I can productively deal with my stress. I don't have to wait or hope for a wrecking ball when a crack in the dike will do.

I've made a comparison of addiction and thoughts to Instagram. With Instagram, I'm no longer really thinking for myself. I'm simply scrolling and my mind is reacting to the next image and the next. Now, granted, I can control who I'm following, so I have a reasonable idea of what type of image or story is going to be there. But I'm not really directing my thoughts. The Instagram feed is. Maybe this is a poor comparison. But when I go through my day, stressful clients, traffic, whatever other stressors I encounter; I start reacting to all of them and letting them direct my thoughts and emotions instead of me directing them. Instead of me saying, no, I don't want to think about how annoying this driver in front of me is. No, I don't want to think about how hurt, annoyed, and rejected I'm feeling because my girlfriend canceled our plans again last minute. No, I don't want to think about PMO. I get to control my thoughts. I don't want to be controlled by them.

I hope this wasn't too preachy. I've been at this eight-day sobriety mark before. A lot. Surprisingly, I feel confident that I can continue.

 

[clandr]

Every moment a chance to begin again - Reboot Journal
June 13, 2020
Entry 5

I've wanted to explore a general concept I've heard several times. I don't know that it has a name, but the idea is this (in the context of overcoming addiction): Rather than focusing the bulk of one's efforts on preventative measures and strategies for extricating one's self from a craving or triggering situation (though these are important and I don't mean to discount them overly), instead focus your main efforts on inputting good things into your life.

The analogy that comes to mind for me is if you have some type of container (your mind) with clear water in it. Then you pour in some food dye (PMO). Suddenly, the dye is very apparent and seems to dominate your focus, your attention. Over time, as I dump more and more dye in, the entire container is no longer clear water and it's very difficult to distinguish shades, much less whether it's clear or not. So, rather than focusing most of my efforts on preventing more dye from going into the container (though again, not that prevention is not important), I instead focus my efforts on pouring more clear water into the container. The more clear water there is, the more the dye dissipates.

The analogy is, of course, subject to criticism, but I think the general principle is a good one.

YBOP by Gary Wilson (I'm paraphrasing as it's been a while since I've read it. I really need to re-read it) explains that connection with other human beings, or connecting activities with other human beings (clear water), helps to heal the brain from desensitization. The example YBOP used which most grabbed my attention was dating, a dating relationship, or a marriage relationship (shoot, even uplifting interactions with co-workers or friends) can have a very good/healing impact (more clear water) as these relationships are connection. I've noticed that PMO leads me to isolate myself from others; where, telling those closest to me that I have this addiction and that I'm working on it, helps to simultaneously pull me out of the isolation and form connections (more clear water). Emotionally, verbally, or physically connecting with my girlfriend or spouse, despite my kneejerk reaction to pull away, is actually a great healing element (again, more clear water).

It's been my experience that after a PMO binge, I don't want to talk to my girlfriend. I'm embarrassed, especially if she wants to get physical at all. My siblings? text messages are suddenly annoying. My friends asking me to go out is quite burdensome and a real hassle. Even being polite to the cashier is suddenly too much and a bother. Essentially, I feel ashamed. But I've found that these interactions and connections from which I'm shying are actually one of the very things (more clear water) that help me heal and best recover from a PMO binge (and this addiction, in general). In my mind it seems counter-intuitive. But, for me, it works.

Now, I'm an introvert, generally speaking. I need some down-time from a lot of social interactions. I need to re-charge and relax. But I think there is a difference between this type of being alone and isolation, though the line can be blurry. Down-time is needed and healing, I think; where isolation is damaging and makes it easier to PMO or to justify PMO.

Back to focusing my main efforts on inputting good things into my life. Connecting with the relationships in my life, while very helpful and healing, is not the only good thing (clear water) to pour into my life or mind. There are many other things and I'm sure they can vary by individual. But I think it is important to identify those things and make efforts to incorporate them daily, weekly, and monthly, in addition to my preventative efforts. I think this clear water can be as subtle as changing the arrangement of furniture in my place (YBOP suggests this) to grand changes like entering a new relationship or making efforts to be more involved in a current relationship. The simple fact is I didn't get addicted to PMO overnight. I slowly shifted my routines and life to allow PMO a place. Consequently, if I want to extract PMO from my life, more changes will have to be made. Changes which don't allow it a place. I can't have one foot on either side of the fence and expect to be healthy and happy.

 

[Wolfman]

Hi clandr, welcome to the forum!

I sympathize with a lot of what you're going through, and I recognize much of the same struggles. Particularly your "Bermuda triangle", which brings to mind an idea that has always been powerful for me. The idea is this: however worthless, hopeless and helpless you feel, know that somebody somewhere out there is suffering (or has suffered) that exact same, and perhaps even worse. Would you not reach out to them, knowing the anguish you feel yourself? Yes, you absolutely would. Because you've done so with yourself. You've seen the vulnerable and fragile state your own being has fallen into and an impulse coursed through you to act with resolute fury! To decide this is _not_ the way you want to live.

This reaching out, no matter how depraved, hopeless, worthless, shamed or helpless, is the divine spark of humanity (or God, if you will), that is with you and through you in your struggles. So the dyed water is not something you're alone about; we're in this together and, I think, we can only clean it out together with friends, family, and to a small (but important) extent, the people on this forum.

Keep the journal going, it is an important filter in cleaning the water!

 

[clandr]

Every moment a chance to begin again – Reboot Journal
Oct. 09, 2021
Entry 6

Current status:
I am 4 days sober, including today.

Goal: to reach 100 days of sobriety, which will land me in mid-January.

I feel encouraged, generally. I’m wanting to try this reboot again. I had a hiatus from journaling and from rebooting. My patterns were more or less consistent with what I’ve struggled with for the last 10-15 years. I don’t want to dwell too much on the gap in my journaling and trying to get over PMO since the last time I wrote.

I want to simply move forward from where I’m at. As I’ve written before; for me, dwelling too much on my past “failures” isn’t helpful (and, in fact, can lead me into one of the three points of my Bermuda Triangle (helplessness, hopelessness, and worthlessness)).

I feel clear-minded and in control today. But where in control, you may ask. Control can be a range. A gradient. I don’t feel like I’m on the edge of control and slipping. I just feel balanced right now. I’m encouraged to press forward in rebooting.

I woke up decently early (for a Saturday), had a good breakfast, and I have a date with a real-life woman later today. Regardless of how the date goes, I’ve managed my expectations. I’m not going to let the Bermuda Triangle creep up on me. It’s the little things. Or rather the accumulation of the little things. Good and positive thoughts about myself and what’s going on.

So, I’m back at this journaling thing. My goal is to make an entry once a week, to start.

 

[Emptyroom]

Welcome back! You have made the right choice! The past is the past and the future is in the making!
You are right about control; It isn't black or white. I hope your date will go fine!
Cheers!
/Emptyroom

 

[clandr]

Every moment a chance to begin again – Reboot Journal
Oct. 17, 2021
Entry 7

Current status:
I am 7 days sober, including today.

I just started James Clear’s book Atomic Habits. I’m not even a full chapter into the book and already I’m running into ideas I hadn’t encountered before. Ways of thinking that are holding me back or holding me down.

While I philosophically or academically know…know that sobriety is not the opposite of addiction, I still get really focused on it. To the exclusion of all the other good things about the whole reboot process. And that’s just it, right? It’s a process. A process is, by definition, not a destination. It’s not a “goal.” A process is not an outcome. It’s a system. It’s like I’m white-knuckling the process so I can reach the goal of sobriety; but I’m not allowing myself to really incorporate the process, consequently, I’m not really changing. And rebooting requires change.

I think I’ll just arrive at “sobriety.” It will just happen to me. Rather than something I bring about through my small, regular choices. Atomic Habits states that, essentially, focus and enjoy the process and the results will take care of themselves. Somehow that gives me hope. Because I have been SO focused on results. Outcomes. Goals.

“Oh, you messed up. You ‘relapsed?’ Well, then you didn’t reach the goal. That’s not the outcome we want. There’s been no progress made at all. You’re back to square one.”

First, that’s not true. Just because I relapse doesn’t mean I’ve lost all my “sobriety” or “gains” or changes I’ve made in my life. That’s all-or-nothing thinking. And it’s wrong and it’s damaging. Candidly, all-or-nothing thinking has kept me here in this addiction for a long time. Well, you didn’t quite do it the “correct” way; may as well PMO cause you strayed into the gray. Start over. It’s not a “victory” unless you do it the “right” way. Whatever that means.

If I’m stumbling home drunk, yes, that’s true I’m drunk, but at least I’m headed in the right direction.

Second, I believe connection is the opposite of addiction. Not sobriety. And connection is naturally not all-or-nothing. It’s a range, spectrum, or grade.

If I’m being honest, there is a part of me (sometimes a substantial part of me) that does not like this process. This changing. I like PMO or the neurochemicals are telling me I do. It’s been my go-to stress response for years. Years. While others were going to the gym (or some other hobby) to work through the typical stresses of life I was at home PMO’ing, hating myself, and thinking I’m a failure. Changing is difficult. It hurts and it’s inconvenient. Just give me the baby, we don’t want all the labor pains.

I started dating this woman a while back and we had such good communication. And, inevitably, we got to some of the crucial and difficult topics. I found out her ex was addicted to PMO too. In fact, that was a big reason they got divorced. He had all these hurtful behaviors and thoughts toward her over the course of their marriage and it led him to cheat on her. And here I am trying to sell myself to this woman like I’m a good option. As though she should take a chance on me. It was difficult. The whole thing was difficult. But I was honest with her. I went through the facts. All of the facts. And I tried to lead out with the positive facts. Or emphasize the positive facts even though all my self-hating thoughts were telling me I may as well give up on having a healthy relationship. Or better not tell her because she’ll drop you like third period French.

The facts: I’m aware of my PMO addiction. I know it’s bad and I know how it is hurting me and hurting those around me. I haven’t given myself credit for first realizing and then admitting I had a problem. That’s a big deal. It took me years to get to that point. And even when the first thought of, “Am I addicted to this?” crossed my mind (and I knew it was true in that moment) I denied it. Nah, I’m not addicted. That’s serious. That happens to other people.

Or what about the fact that I’ve acknowledged and begun to learn how this has adversely affected loved ones in my life? Or what about the amends I’ve tried to make to those loved ones? Have I given myself credit for that? Were those not good efforts on my part? What about all the other great character traits, skills, ambitions, accomplishments, and good aspects of myself? I am not PMO. That’s something I’ve done. But it’s not all of me. And it’s hard to break out of that thought pattern. That you are PMO. What a lie.

And I believe it. I believed it. I was deceived. Am deceived. But I’m trying to throw that to the side. I’m trying to step up. But I sometimes wish I didn’t have to go through this change. Rather, I want to just be there, all changed. All healed up. I’ve arrived. Done. But this is where I need to learn to enjoy this process. I don’t have it figured out yet, but I’m learning. And as I’m learning…strangely, I’m encouraged. It’s not hopeless. In fact, it’s hopeful. Really hopeful.

I’ll end my little rant here with this thought exercise I ran into a while back, but recently re-encountered. What if a friend told me, confided in me, that they were struggling with PMO? How would I react? How would I respond? Would I tell them they’re a loser, they’re worthless, how embarrassing? No, of course not. Well, why can’t I treat myself with some mercy? Or rather, why can’t I allow myself to treat myself with some mercy? Some encouragement? Why is that so forbidden mentally? What’s wrong with responding to bad actions with encouragement to do better and an expression of faith that the person can do better?

Thanks for hearing me out.

 

[GeminiMan]

I’ve read that book cover to cover “Atomic habits” it’s very good . I highly recommend it for rebooters … and tried a few techniques in it for my recovery and it has been a positive experience . Few topics I loved were “Make it inaccessible” , “make it unattractive” , “ “start small each day” and “do small good each day” these are wonderful lessons I have been applying in my day to day life .

You’re right . It’s a process . One that we rebooters should enjoy as much as we could , otherwise it’s just walking on the knife edge, too stressful , too painful , too anxious, You can’t do that for long, not me .

on a personal note I am making a few changes to my lifestyle which has brought me to 8th day sober in a long time (almost 6 months ) . I tell myself not to trust my self control over my emotions/cravings too much and give it any chance to risk the fight or showdown and eventually loose to take me on an unwanted ride. Instead I’ve been following the approach of “give respect to the powerful enemy, don’t mess with him and just bypass him quietly one day at a time without any fist fights or whistle blowing or boxing rounds “ it’s been going okay with me so far .

Good luck with your journey . I wish you success and peace .

 

[clandr]

Every moment a chance to begin again – Reboot Journal
Oct. 30, 2021
Entry 8

Current status:
I relapsed two days ago. But I’m ignoring the response to berate myself. Pressing on.

About a year ago, I had a one-night stand with this woman. She was pretty great (I’m sure she still is, I just haven’t talked to her). Attractive, etc.; nothing which would really deter a healthy guy from performing. Except I couldn’t. Or rather I did but way too quickly. Of course, she was understanding and took, what I considered to be pathetic, all in stride. She was kind and generous about everything. Needless to say, I was embarrassed and annoyed with myself. I realized then, as I had realized before, that I have a problem. I have re-wired my brain…and not for the better.

I heard a clip by Dr. Jordan Peterson talking about P where he said that, essentially, I and other guys today can view more women than any other guy, prior to the internet, at any point in history would have in their entire lives. That was a sobering reality. I mean, over the course of my troubles with this addiction, I’ve probably seen thousands, more likely tens of thousands of images and videos. If I had lived at any other time in history, I probably would have only seen 1) only ever a real woman, and 2) most likely something quick or accidental, 3) a high school or college fling here and there, and 4) my wife for the bulk of my life, and 5) maybe an affair. So, what…maybe 10 women? If that. For my entire life. What 70-80 years? Now, I’ve seen tens of thousands. Tens of thousands. That’s crazy to me. What am I doing?

What is so horrible about my life that I “need” PMO? What am I trying to escape? The pain of disappointed hopes or expectations? My life didn’t “go as planned?” Geez, welcome to the club. I don’t think I’ve met anyone who’s life actually went according to plan. Anyone’s plan. Everyone I know has regrets about their life. They have disappointments. Oftentimes they’re disappointments far greater than anything I’ve experienced. Why do I “need” this? What is it doing for me? It’s crumbling other opportunities. Great, wonderful, and healthy opportunities.

I believe the only way through this is to continue. YBOP by Gary Wilson (and I need to re-read it) says that making small changes can help you. Things as simple as re-arranging the furniture in your place or making other physical shifts. I think it’s to avoid triggers. I need to make small habit changes. I think that’s the best way. I didn’t get addicted overnight. I’ve got to slowly extricate myself from this. I’ve got to have patience with myself in this struggle. There’s a Dave Ramsey quote I read once, and while I know he’s talking about finances, I think it applies here too. “Success is not a gleaming, shiny mountain. It’s a pile of mistakes that you’re standing on instead of buried under.” Ya know, the whole fall seven times, rise eight.

I guess that’s where I am now. Trying to find the mental wherewithal, encouragement, and motivation to try again.



One other note. I find as I gain a few days or weeks of sobriety, the fantasies start to kick in. Unbidden. Various times, I’ll start to remember previous women I’ve dated and I’ll fantasize about them. It’s a trigger for me. It seems like whenever I start to have the fantasies, and I can’t seem to shake them, then a relapse is on the way. As if I can’t do anything about it. So, I’m working with that right now too. I’m trying to figure out how to control my thoughts better.

Thanks for reading this.

 

[clandr]

Every moment a chance to begin again – Reboot Journal
Jan. 20, 2022
Entry 9

Current status:
11 days sober (including today, so far). Or 11 days with no PMO.

I feel good, overall. Work is hectic, but I think I’m getting better at leaving it there when I walk out the door. Not handling stress and emotional pain has been a hallmark of why I’ve become addicted to PMO. I’m definitely flatlining. Let the good times roll. I realize this stage isn’t permanent.

This weekend is gonna be a temptation. I’ll have more free time, unstructured and unplanned. This week has been hectic at work and I haven’t made any plans for the weekend. So, I’ll need to strategize and keep myself away from the cliff, so to speak.

I started reading this marriage book about re-building trust after infidelity. Now, I’m not married, but there’s been some really good insights so far, applicable to my situation. It talks about transparency versus translucency. Essentially, transparency is when things can be seen clearly. Translucent glass is where you can see there’s something there, but can’t quite distinguish what it is or what’s happening. Like the glass walls they have in offices sometimes, where there’s a pattern or a kind of ruffled look on the glass. Let’s light through, but you can’t see what’s happening inside. The idea being that you want to make your life transparent. Easily seen and distinguished. All parts of your life. All parts.

The more I’ve thought about this concept, the more I realize how much I’ve been lying to myself or trying to hide aspects of myself from myself. I’m compartmentalizing on a massive scale. Almost like split personality (okay, I’m not a psychologist, so I don’t genuinely know anything about split personality, but you get what I’m saying). It’s as though I’m two different people. And that scares me. Cause I don’t know what the other guy is capable of. I guess it’s the same feeling you get when you’ve escalated into material you actually find abhorrent. But there you are PMO’ing to it. Part of you is wondering, “what in the actual am I doing?!” And yet, I keep escalating into worse and worse stuff. Then you kind of wake up or you get too tired to continue, your binge is over, or whatever makes you stop PMO’ing…and you’re by yourself again in your own head with that numb feeling. Like a burnt piece of wood. Then I’ll remember that moment when I’m out with friends or at work later as if I didn’t just PMO to that yesterday. Totally compartmentalized.

Transparency means I’m not ashamed of what I’m doing at all times. I’m scrolling through social media on the train or something and I instinctively lean my phone closer when risqué stuff crops up because I don’t want other people around me to see what I’m looking at (ha, I’ve found myself doing this when I’m alone, hunching over my phone or laptop like I’m Gollum). I’m ashamed of it. I’m afraid of discovery by others. I’m afraid of being “caught.” If I’m honest with myself this behavior clearly tells me that PMO and P, in general, is wrong. It just is. And that fear of being “caught” metastasizes into other areas of my life. I’ve doubted myself so much through the years. Little by little. Some great opportunity at work or hobby or dating presents itself and I think, “oh, I’m not good enough for that because I'm a creeper who PMOs all the time.” And I don’t pursue the opportunity. Or, more often, I don’t even recognize an opportunity was passing by because I’ve been so focused on the next PMO binge or hating myself after a PMO binge.

Transparency means I’m not ashamed of what I’m looking at. I’m not afraid of being “caught” because there is nothing to be found out. I’m not ashamed of what I’m looking at because it’s all right material. That’s the place I want to be in my head. Transparent. Unafraid.

I’ve found that when I am in that transparent “mode” suddenly all my old hobbies and interests that fell by the wayside because PMO was so horribly important, are back. I think about them, they’re interesting again. I want to share them with other people. I actually want to interact with other people and connect with them. It’s such a nice shift away from that dominating fear. I hope to stay in that place.

Thanks for reading this.

 

[clandr]

Every moment a chance to begin again – Reboot Journal
Jan. 22, 2022
Entry 10

Current status:
13 days sober (including today, so far). Or 13 days with no PMO.

It’s quiet. Too quiet. The last few days everything is going too well. I feel too calm. Too collected. No temptations, no cravings, really. I feel I’m in a good place. This can’t be good. It makes me want to strategize. But at the same time, I know none of my strategizing has ever worked. Any time I’ve avoided a PMO binge is because of some hail mary pass. And usually it didn’t work because I wasn’t really desperate enough, really didn’t want to escape the PMO. I wanted the PMO.

The strongest argument which crops up in my mind in my weaker moments is, “it doesn’t matter” and “who really cares?” I hate that. Because as soon as the PMO binge is over, I’M the one who cares. And I'M the one screaming in my own head about how it DOES matter. Of course, this is me kicking myself for relapsing. I think I need to develop better habits of self-talk. Beating myself up in my own mind has never really been productive. It’s never helped me. Really, it’s just made me more bitter and cynical. Which, in turn, makes it easier for me to justify PMO because it’s easier for me to believe the “it doesn’t matter” and “who really cares?” lies. And if those two lies are true, then I can PMO if I want. …And I want.

That’s why I think it’s the calm before the storm right now. It’s too quiet. It’s too calm. I feel good. I feel peaceful and content. Candidly, it’s been really nice. Almost hopeful. It’s a nice change of pace from the shame. And the driving feeling of “I’ve got to have it.”

Let the good times roll, I suppose.

Thanks for reading this.

 

[clandr]

Every moment a chance to begin again – Reboot Journal
Feb. 6, 2022
Entry 11

Current status:
28 days sober (including today, so far). Or 28 days with no PMO.

“I have discovered regardless of the substance choice (alcohol, food, sex, pornography, vaping, smoking, exercise, social media, online gaming, codependency, people pleasing), the reason I use is to avoid feelings or emotions and deep feelings of inadequacy.”

What a statement! So true. So horribly true. Deep feelings of inadequacy. Deep. Where does it come from? It’s not like I’ve had a terrible life. So, where does it come from? I’m still investigating.

Today, this weekend really, was great. I don’t have those often. And, to be frank, even when I do have a good weekend, it often leads to a PMO relapse because I feel like I’m invincible and let my safeguards fall because I’m “fine.” Or I believe the lie that PMO is somehow a reward for “good behavior.” It’s a convoluted and messed up thought process, I admit. But it’s quite real as I’ve been falling for it for years.

Regardless, this was a good weekend. And I’m grateful for the small sobriety I have gained (fully aware that sobriety isn’t everything). I’ve also made the decision to try counseling/therapy again. So, we’ll see how that goes in the coming weeks and months. I’m not in a hurry.

I’ve been trying to make small changes in my existing processes and systems rather than “huge” or “dramatic” changes. I’m hoping this will continue to be effective in maintaining sobriety.

Thanks for reading this.

 

[clandr]

Every moment a chance to begin again – Reboot Journal
Feb. 13, 2022
Entry 12

Current status:
35 days sober (including today, so far). Or 35 days with no PMO.

Well, this is new-ish territory. I haven’t had 30+ days of sobriety in a while, it seems. My first problem is that I’m not certain how I got here. The first answer to come to mind is a cynical, “you white-knuckled it,” followed by “you have no idea what you’re doing and you’re gonna relapse again.” While initially discouraging, I realize, there is some truth and some error to it.

My second problem is that I “feel” I’ve left shore and really can’t see it anymore. Or I’m too far out. I feel a bit disconnected from my familiar landmarks. This recovery isn’t bringing me back to what I was. That’s a false idea I held onto (and maybe still do to a certain extent) which tells me “recovery” is just bringing me back to who I was before I got hooked on PMO. But that’s just not true. And it wouldn’t be true even if I never got addicted to PMO. We, as human beings, are constantly changing. I’m not the same person I was one year ago, five years ago, etc. So, regardless of this addiction, and my attempts to move forward on this healing, recovering journey, the fact is I’ve left my old self behind. This is new territory. So, of course, it’s going to be unfamiliar. The fact that I feel good, that I feel calm, and that the numbness is dissipating are all unfamiliar. And I don’t trust them. I argue that I don’t deserve them because of the hurt I’ve caused with PMO. It seems so nice to have this sobriety …it must be too good to be true.

But it is true. I do feel better. I feel calm. And I definitely feel the numbness dissipating. That’s real, whether it’s temporary or not. I did an open-water swimming event some years ago. You’re swimming, head down in the water, arms moving, feet kicking. You don’t really know where you are. You pop your head up to see. You’re a good distance from the start, but you’re no where near the end and all you can see is more water. That’s where I think I am, mentally. And it’s looking ahead that seems discouraging. There is SO much water (distance) for me to go. So much sobriety I still need. As though recovery is a destination. And, I believe, I need to stop thinking of recovery as a destination; some place at which I arrive and then I can relax and enjoy being there. Like it’s the Bahamas or something. But this whole analogy is wrong. I’m not in a long-distance event (swimming, running, or otherwise). Recovering from PMO addiction is a process. And I really don’t understand the recovery process, nor really processes in general.

I’m changing. I’m trying to change how I think about S, how I think about relationships (all relationships), how I think about or view connection with others. This is difficult to do because it seems I’m laboring on two fronts, seemingly simultaneously. I’m trying to not PMO on the one side and I’m trying to increase my connections (pour more clear water in) on the other side. I understand this is possible and that efforts toward either of those fronts is never wasted. In fact, I understand they dovetail quite nicely. For example, if I’m feeling down, tempted, craving PMO, then I need to get out of the situation. Well, if I can interact with another person or focus on building that relationship, not only do I escape that particular craving but I’m also building a better connection which, in turn, strengthens me against the next craving for PMO. And it strengthens me against addiction, in general. I think I’ve mentioned how Instagram is such a blackhole for me. I get sucked into that stupid app and just keep scrolling. Before I know it, several hours have gone by. And it’s not as though, once I stop scrolling, I’m the same person I was when I started. No, I feel slightly worse. And I’m slightly more vulnerable to craving PMO. I’ve found, for me, only positive actions really help me to combat PMO cravings AND build me up so I’m stronger against the next craving.

So, back to my second problem, because that’s the problem that really matters in this moment. Knowing how I got here is less important because whatever got me here won’t necessarily get me where I want to be (and here I am with the distance, traveling analogy again. Sorry). I’ve got some sobriety. Sobriety isn’t everything, though it is important. In this moment, at this time, I do not want to PMO. I can sense that it’s not helping me, and I am hating the numb feeling so very much. So, that’s some motivation to keep changing, to keep adding things to my life which build me and extracting those things which hurt. I’ve found trying to make drastic changes doesn’t really help, because 1) it builds an unreasonable expectation in my mind, and 2) it’s not permanent. The unreasonable expectation is detrimental because then I have all this disappointment when I inevitably fail. And that leads me to PMO more readily.

Thanks for reading this.

 

[clandr]

Every moment a chance to begin again – Reboot Journal
Feb. 24, 2022
Entry 13

Current status:
46 days sober (including today, so far). Or 46 days with no PMO.

Hypocrisy.
The more I learn about this addiction the more I’m amazed how wrong I was and how much PMO has adversely affected me (and those loved ones around me). In YBOP by Gary Wilson, he suggests getting angry about the addiction (or I’m misremembering and it’s from another source I’ve read). In the context of gathering motivation to quit, you have to get angry at the P. You have to get angry at what it’s done to you. This can develop a fighting mentality to help you focus on what’s important. It creates a dividing line which is easy to understand. Sobriety and connection with real women and people is good. PMO is bad. The enemy. I’m not saying this is “absolutely” how it’s done, because I don’t know. I’m still learning, and I hardly have any sobriety, so I’m not an expert. What I’m trying to share is my difficulty with reconciling hypocrisy. My own hypocrisy. I was in a conversation the other day about men and some of their bad behavior toward women. And I expressed the opinion that P, over time, is bad for men. I think I explained a few statistics I’d learned and that was it. The conversation went on and soon forgotten. But I’ve been in lots of conversations like that. Especially in church environments. I realize not everyone is religious and I’m not trying to preach. I’ve just found that religion has helped me combat PMO. So, I’m not gonna turn down help.

But aren’t I a hypocrite if I’m over here talking about how people shouldn’t look at P and shouldn’t PMO when I’m a bad-day-and-a-strong-trigger away from PMO bingeing away my weekend? I mean, yikes. Obviously, some part of me loves PMO. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have been looking for so many years. But there’s also a part of me that hates it. And hates myself for indulging in it. Maybe I should look at it like a friend is telling me what I’m writing down now. How would I respond to them. Honestly, I’m not really sure.

Now, I am grateful for what I’ve gained. I haven’t had this much sobriety in a long time. And it’s great, not gonna lie. I used to be afraid I was just white-knuckling it and waiting for the other shoe to drop, so to speak. When (not if) am I gonna fall to the next craving? But, I haven’t had this much clarity of mind (no numb feeling) and peace for a while. After a PMO binge, my mind just felt burnt. Like a burnt piece of wood after a campfire. Numb. And I hated it. I still hate that feeling.

Don’t get me wrong, I realize the cravings will attack. And it’ll be at some weak moment, when I’m alone and feeling either hopeless, helpless, or worthless (my Bermuda Triangle). But, lately, my mind has been more focused on other, better things. More interesting things. It’s SUCH a difference. I’m not always checking women out every time they walk by. I’m finding I’m more interested in ideas or my work or hobbies. And I’m finding they’re holding my interest better than they used to. I realize I may relapse tomorrow. Or next week. And I’ll probably be back here berating myself for having the nerve to get some hope in my life. But right now, I’m enjoying this time. I’m really grateful for this small amount of sobriety I’ve got right now.

Thanks for reading this.

 

[particularly_respecting]

Very interesting post - thank you for posting
I don't think you sound like a hypocrite at all
You are being open with your journey. It is right out there for everyone to see
We are all human - we are all complex beings and our inconsistencies are what make us who we are
There is nothing wrong with saying "people should not look at P. It is bad. This is something I'm working on myself"

Also completely agree about the idea of our minds feeling like burnt wood. I feel like this is how I lived most of my adult life
We drown them in dopamine for so many years that they become numb to any "normal" level of stimuli

46 days sober is an amazing achievement
I will be reading about your journey and looking for tips to guide me on my own path!