Miserable due to porn addiction

anonfromfinance

Active Member
Day One. 10:15 AM.

Got up at 7:45 AM this morning as usual. Had a pretty good running session to warm up myself before working on my splits. I've been working on them for maybe 2 weeks now but not as consistently as I'd want to. I wouldn't say it hurts, it's just opening muscles you've never opened but I've always been more flexible than an average person so its not that bad. I'm hoping I can at least do the middle splits in a month if I work on it consistently, the front one is more difficult to do! And honestly, this is just the start, I want to be able to do headstands, handstands, cartwheels, everything!

After having done that I had a quick breakfast and now I'm going to go study a bit before I head to class. First day is coming along pretty good. This is also the first time in a while I haven't had coffee in the morning and instead used the running to wake me up, but I'm not necessarily hell bent on cutting coffee out. We'll see how it goes. Peace.
 

anonfromfinance

Active Member
Day One. 10:49 PM.

Today was pretty much successful. I did all the things I wanted to do. After my class, I worked on some presentation for tomorrow’s class. Got that done. When it comes to my program stuff though, I have realised that lately I’ve just been going through the motions. There have been times, not many, but there have definitely been times, where I’ve enjoyed what I’ve been doing but lately it feels like something I’m just half-assing and going through. I guess this is just something I overcome or attribute to the fact that I’ve been going through a slow period in life in general.

Besides this, I did want to go to the gym to lift some weights in the evening but I figured if I start with everything on day one I’m just going to be overwhelmed and tired so I just did some pretty good yoga instead. It was a tough practice so I feel good about myself. Going to do that over the next few days and start going to the gym from Monday.

I did have a conversation with my boyfriend today evening. We were trying to resolve the things that have been going on between us. One thing he realised and both agreed was that he has kind of set a precedence wherein he’s codependent on me to work through his anxiety when he’s feeling anxious. We’ve both come to the realisation that this type of behaviour is turning out to be a little toxic wherein while I am a supportive partner who’s going to do my best to help him with his issues I shouldn’t be the sole solution to all his problems and the responsibility of making him feel better shouldn’t fall on me alone. So that’s good, I think that’s one of the reasons I’d been really overwhelmed lately so I’m glad he’s realised that and is going to work on that.

Another thing we realised was that we haven’t been taking any time apart from each other. We work most of the week and then spend every waking moment on the weekends together which doesn’t give us any time to ourselves. Considering his anxiety and my addiction, I think some time by ourselves doing our own thing is going to be beneficial so we’re going to try and work on that.

Lastly, when we were talking about cleanliness and organisation when it comes to living together we have very opposite views over which we’re still arguing. I don’t personally need everything to be in perfect order, I’m not that organised but I do like things to be quite organised so to say. On the other hand, he’s grown in complete chaos because that’s how his parents were and that’s what he’s known all life so we’re finding it very difficult to find middle ground. More so, get him to a comparable level to mine wherein I’m quite satisfied. I know that sounds crazy and I’m not setting the bar too high, it’s just that I’ve been telling him this for over a year now with very bare minimum progress and now that we’re very close to moving in together it just worries me because I either just give up and pick up after him myself setting the precedence that I’m okay with picking up after him. Which of course, I’m not. Or I ask him to do things nicely if I ever need something done, which he says I’m nagging and it triggers his anxiety. So I’m kinda stuck. I KNOW THIS PROBABLY SOUNDS REALLY STUPID but this journal is my place to work on things so bare with me haha.

Two things that come from this, one, I of course wonder if I’m being too harsh and expecting unrealistic things. But then again, picking up after yourself shouldn’t be a crazy thing to do? Second, and this I haven’t admitted to anybody or even myself so far. I do kinda wonder if I still love him. Things have been very rough and I feel like I’ve had plenty of relapses too because of how things have been going. And I’ve been having these thoughts for a while now about whether I actually love him. I don’t know if it’s the relapses that have been clouding my brain or if I’m actually just over him at this point. Whenever I ask myself if I love him or I don’t, I really get no response from myself. If I lean towards thinking that I don’t love him, I feel nothing in my mind or my heart. If I lean towards thinking that I do love him, yet again, I feel nothing. When we had this big argument over the weekend and we stopped talking for a couple of days, I did feel like I missed him and that I was very much in love with him. But as soon as we started trying to talk again and resolve our issues, we started arguing, and I was back to square one. If I think about all the times we’ve spent together over the years, I love all our memories. If I think about all the things we would possibly do over our future together, YES, I do absolutely love and look forward to them. I believe that I have a life with him. I know this again could sound like codependency but I know for sure, that that is not the case. I’m just finding it incredibly difficult to feel anything which I’m honestly attributing to my relapses as of late. I guess I really just need time to myself to work through these things. Even right now I feel like “am I just convincing myself that I still love him when I don’t?” But I don’t have an answer honestly because of just how numb and hollow I feel on the inside.

In any case, I think that’s all I have in terms of self reflection today. Another day tomorrow, and I have to wake up earlier than usual so off to bed. Goodnight all you wonderful people trying to fight the good fight.
 

anonfromfinance

Active Member
Day Two. 11:21 PM.

Quite an exhausting day, I am dead tired. Did my morning routine, got up at 7 and went for a run and then worked on my splits. I’m realising that skipping my morning coffee and replacing it with a run instead is not good for my sleep haha. I’m always tired even before noon because I’m not used to it. I wasn’t trying to cut out my morning coffee when I started this routine but that’s just how it’s happened the past 2 days.

The rest of the day was pretty usual, class, back home, work, etc etc. I did resolve the issues with my partner and I realised that I may be expecting too much or being too snarky. I’m going to try and let go and try to be more understanding. At the end my option is to either keep picking fights because things are not according to my expectations or I let go and try to find some peace which will lead to less arguments and probably us being more happy. I choose the latter!

I also find myself usually scrolling on Instagram looking at things that are definitely triggers for my addiction so I’ve been trying to control that, nothing too crazy though. It’s weird how my porn addicted brain over sexualises everything to make it porn worthy in my mind. That’s not good, I thought I was past that but I guess my relapses have taken me a few steps back. Oh well, I guess I’ll just work through these issues again. I’m realising that just staying away from porn and those relapses helped me improve my brain and the wiring in my brain so much that now that I’m a few steps back I can appreciate the effort that goes into abstaining from such porn and porn substitutes! Something to think about for sure.

Anyway, I’m going to call it a night. That’s all I have on my mind today. I need to try and make sure that I’m really posting my thoughts here and not forgetting about anything when I sit to post at the end of the day because I want to be able to work through my thoughts. Until tomorrow!
 

anonfromfinance

Active Member
Day Seven. 12:43 PM.

Struggling a lot today. I've completed a week but there are some things on my mind that needed to he worked through. So here's what's going on. I went to my partner's place on Friday, which is something we always do. I go there, we watch a TV show together, have some nice dinner, and chill. The problem here is that we decided we should spend some time apart from each other so we could give ourselves the break that we so surely need. However, we did have a great weekend. We did a lot of chill things over the weekend and spent some pretty quality time for the most part. I did plan on coming back on Saturday when I went there but as always that didn't happen. Then I planned to come back on Sunday and that didn't happen either. So of course, that is something we need to work on. Having some boundaries. Consequently, because I like starting my week by getting a lot of things done, we had a little bit of an argument come Monday morning because I was stressed and just wanted to get to my work.

Honestly, I've been slacking so hard in all aspects of my life lately. There are some things I need to get done for school since December and I've made very marginal improvements on it. That is slightly biting me in the ass now and is pretty much long overdue. There's also the problem of sex. Because of my relapses I've not wanting to come around to having sex with my partner for roughly over a month now. And that sucks a lot because he's been suffering because of me. In addition, every time I come back from my partner's place my mind just shuts down and can't process anything. Everything takes me a long time to process and my work suffers. I don't know if it's him, if it's his apartment that we've both come to hate at this point, or if it's my addiction that gives me such serious brain fog. Knowing how things have been going, I feel like it's definitely a combination of all three things.

Now I also have an exam coming up the next week, which I am not at all prepared for. In addition, I have that one thing that's been due since December and I really need to devote all my time to it. Plus I feel like I definitely need to give myself a break because I am feeling so unmotivated right now that I do not want to do anything. And my mind is really asking me to relapse right now and I am trying so desperately not to fall off the wagon.

Life is pretty shitty right now. I would love to curl up in a ball and just have the world pause so I can take a moment to stop and do nothing. I need a fucking break and honestly, I just want to not have a mental breakdown.
 

anonfromfinance

Active Member
Day One.

Hello again my journal and whoever (if anybody) ever reads this haha. Life has been crazy and I clearly feel the need to journal because I think that it helps me gather my thoughts and process through various things happening in my life right now. Its not exactly Day One but it is day one of me trying to get to a healthier place since the last month or two have been me doing a very mediocre job haha.

I will delve into more detail but for right now all I want to say is that I want to do better in life. I've been slacking quite a lot and I know I am capable of doing so much better so I want to put in that effort before its too late. I'm technically on summer break with some work to do so its a great time to catch up with that work, adopt some healthy life choices and habits, and pick up some extra hobbies I've been wanting to do for a while. With that being said, it is 11:00 AM on a Monday and here are some goals for the week.

1. The most important thing is to abstain from any sort of porn or porn substitutes. I'm going to minimize my Instagram usage since that has always been a huge trigger. I also recently made a decision to go to therapy and I found a great therapist who says he can help me! I've already had one session with him and my next appointment is this week, so I'm going to use that to help with my addiction and my general mental health.

2. I want to work out consistently, that has always been my goal and I want to use this summer for it since I have more time on my hands. I tried to go 5-6 times a week last month and I just could not keep it up long term primarily because my fitness goals also lie beyond just going to the gym. I want to achieve good flexibility with my body and I want to train for that as well. I want to be very flexible generally but also want to work towards achieving full splits. Since that is an intense routine that also requires consistent training and I can't go to the gym and do this as often as I would like to. So the general goal is 3 days of weight training at the gym and 3 days for flexibility.

3. Working with my partner. We've had several ups and downs lately and it has been a rough time. He has developed severe anxiety over the past year and he is working his way through it. It is no excuse but his problems have in turn, triggered my addiction again because its been very difficult adjusting to a partner with that level of anxiety, especially considering we've moved in together. I want to work towards developing a healthy balance between us because I do love him and want to try to help him but also ensure I don't lose my sanity.

4. Hobbies. I have some hobbies in mind that I would love to take up. I've been thinking about them for a while and I really want to let my creativity flow through these hobbies so I feel like I'm doing something with my life other than just my main academic pursuits. I will try to start working towards them this week and spend sometime over the weekend trying to do just that.

I have to say that my on and off relapses have really caused a major funk and I've been feeling a lack of enthusiasm when it comes to doing anything. I've just been sulking around and I've also been feeling a major brain fog. I'm hoping having a routine, working towards achieving some goals, and journaling here will help me out like it has in the past. Now let's go do it!!!!
 
Last edited:

anonfromfinance

Active Member
Day Two.

Yesterday was a pretty good day I would say. I didn't put as many hours into my work as I would have liked to but I still made some good progress. That was pretty neat. Everything else was pretty ordinary. I made some food, did some chores around the apartment, took my dog to the dog park, and worked on my flexibility routine. Pretty decent. One thing I would like to mention is that because of how down I've been feeling and the relapses I've been having often, my sex life with my partner hasn't been that great. In our entire relationship our sex life hasn't been that great. In the beginning, we were fooling around everytime we met. This was also when I was doing very great with abstaining from porn and I'd been working on it for a good 6 months before meeting him. I think that was when my sexual drive was the strongest it had been in a really long time.

However, overtime our sex life got worse because I was living quite far away and we'd only meet on the weekends, not leaving enough time after our travels to see each other. That was further worsened over time when he started getting severe anxiety and it started affected my mental state leading to more relapses. For the past 8 ish months, I would say I definitely haven't been putting a lot of effort in getting rid of porn either. I've fallen into that relapse hole where I've been having relapses every week or 10 days. So, of course, as a normal human being he's been asking for u's to have more sex, and I've been slacking because I don't feel like having sex lately for obvious reasons. We did fool around yesterday but I didn't feel that great. It sucks because I want to stop this addiction and get to a better place like I have been before in my life but I also feel stuck because his anxiety is just something I can't bear because it affects me so strongly.

About today, it's around 10 in the morning on a Tuesday. I woke up, did my morning yoga, had some breakfast, and now I'm at my desk starting my day after I journal here. Mentally, I feel like absolute shit in my brain. It's like very severe brain fog, that I have been feeling for the past 3-4 weeks I would say. The brain fog is so strong that I can barely do any productive work task without giving up in 5-10 minutes. For the last entire week, I felt like a vegetable I was just sitting on the couch all the time. I'm hoping I will start feeling better soon now that I'm up and about trying to go to the gym etc. I do have a therapy appointment today as well and I am definitely looking forward to that. My therapist also suggested I read Out of the Shadows by Patrick Carnes. It is a book about sex addiction that covers various aspects including porn addiction. I've read a couple of chapters and honestly, it does feel like it is a book about my life story. If anybody is reading this, I would suggest this book to everybody!

Anyway, I'm going to try and get on with my day. I'm going to keep coming back here to journal as often as I need to, to feel better because I do not want to feel like shit all the time.
 
Last edited:

anonfromfinance

Active Member
Day Three.

I think I feel a little better this morning. My morning yoga today was a 30 minute, low-to-the-ground breathing practice that made me feel really good in the moment. And so, there are some lingering fleeting moments from the breathing practice and some leftover brain fog as well. But it's definitely an improvement over how I've been feeling lately.

Talking about yesterday, I didn't get any real school work done but I did spend a couple of hours on here reading some journals that were very eye opening and real to me. Some key things I've taken away from that and will be trying here on my own journal and in my own journey to fight this addiction are as follows:

First, I realized that I need to be open and honest about everything I feel and everything that's on my mind. Only then will I be able to actually work on myself and actually get better. I need to put down all my thoughts in order to work through them and if I'm trying to be PG or half as forthcoming then its really not going to make a difference.

Second, I've often indulged myself in things that I know can be triggering just because I enjoy them. I need to clearly demarcate what works and what doesn't work for me and ensure that I'm not treading on thin ice. I say this because, for example, I know Instagram and other social media can be very triggering and I've still been scrolling on it day and night. That needs to stop. And accordingly, I uninstalled this app this morning and fully intend not to be on it for as long as it takes for me to get it under control. This addiction has really been sucking my soul and draining me of all motivation and creative potential I have. In the past, I've told myself that I need it in order to function and do better but I know that to be not true. I want to feel normal, have a healthy sex life with my partner, and enjoy my mental health as well. I was reading and this has been the case in the past, that after a relapse there's always that initial motivation to get your shit together. Trust me, this is not that. I feel like absolute shit most of the times and my brain keeps telling me "lets do it one last time" so there is no inner motivation to get this under control haha. I just simply realize that I need to do this because back in late 2020, early 2021 I was doing so good and it made everything so much better. I was able to feel joy and pleasure in simple things and I want that for my life, long term.

I also still need to clean out my old apartment where I used to live in before I moved in with my partner. I need to turn in my keys at the end of this month, and part of my brain is telling me to edge myself into oblivion one last time. I'm truly fighting the urge very hard and its so difficult. My brain tells me that this is the last time I will have my own space and I should take advantage of it. I know I shouldn't and I'm working very hard to avoid it.

I had my therapy appointment yesterday as well and nothing real has come out of it so far, this was only the second session but I'm hoping I will see some improvements long term. Its definitely very difficult to actually say some of these deep, dark things about my addiction out loud to another human being but it feels good to get it out.

I'm also maintaining a planner where I document my day and an offline diary where I document my thoughts or things that really resonate with me that I read in other journals here or self help books. It feels good to be doing that as it is increasing the amount of accountability I take for my actions. The breathing session today told me that if things get difficult I should know that my breath comes first and that I should meditate and focus on my breathing until whatever I'm feeling goes away. Hopefully, I'm going to be able to do that the next time my cravings hit. I'm also going to minimize my phone usage as I feel like that is really numbing my brain.

Anyway, I'm going to go and try to get some work done and hopefully, have a more productive day than I've been having lately. Until next time!
 

anonfromfinance

Active Member
Day Four.

I'm going to dive right in and talk about my brain fog. My morning routine, every morning this week has been... I wake up around 8, and have a nice morning cup of coffee. I used to scroll mindlessly through my phone while doing this but I logged out of Instagram (huge trigger for me) earlier this week and a day or two after, I even decided not to use my phone in the mornings at all. The reason being that lately I feel like using my phone a lot has literally been numbing my brain. So morning coffee in peace after waking up. After that, I spend roughly 30 minutes doing a yoga practice. This usually makes me feel very good ... in the moment. After yoga, I do a quick breakfast and now here I am.

The thing is, I think most mornings I wake up with a fresh mind but by the time I am halfway through my breakfast, the brain fog has already kicked in and I start feeling like real dog shit. Its so bad that by the time I finish breakfast and get here to my desk to journal and then get to work, I feel like a brain-dead, mind-numbed zombie. It makes it so hard to get any work done after that, that I have to go at such a slow pace to even keep myself focused, and I got a lot of shit to do haha. I thought to myself if I was tired of feeling this brain fog. I mean, I absolutely am but I also realize I relapsed myself into oblivion and this is the price I'm paying now. I just hope I start feeling better soon, I don't need to feel the addiction gone overnight, but just whatever cycle of hellish brain fog this is.

I also don't know if I'm doing everything I should be doing to make myself feel better. I want to go workout at the gym and do my flexibility routines but since most evenings I'm feeling like shit I can't really bring myself to do it. But since I can't do that, I do force myself to get up and go out on a walk/hike with my partner and/or go out to the dog park and run and play around with my dog. I assume that this is at least some small baby steps in the right direction, I guess I don't need to change my life and habits overnight as long as I'm working towards it.

I still have to clear out my old apartment and my brain is still trying to talk me into relapsing. I also keep having very vivid dreams about porn and sex, and I am desperately hoping had it'll just pass with time. Coming here and journaling reminds me to stay grounded and I honestly wish I could just ramble on all day and pause the outside world so I don't have to go out there and be in the world doing normal people things today.

Anyway, that's all I have in mind today. Hopefully, I'll be able to go and get some work today and shut down the addict side of my brain. See you later.
 

anonfromfinance

Active Member
Day Seven.

Hello. Don't really know where to start, I've been away for a while. I got to 10 days, I think, and then my brain kept telling me to do it "one last time" since I was going to my old apartment to clean it out and turn in my keys. I told my partner I wanted to spend one last night at my old apartment, and as understanding as he is, he let me! And I binged the evening away. Of course, not a surprise at all, it didn’t make me feel any better. But it’s been a week now, and cravings are quite low. I think the reason is that I’ve logged out of Instagram and it has made it very easy since that’s my biggest trigger.

In terms of productivity, I haven’t been doing the best. My partner and I argued a lot over the weekend over stupid topics and that put a damper on the entire weekend, making it very miserable for the both of us. Then we had to pick ourselves up and start the week with that and then we had another argument Monday midday itself. And I’ve just been in a slight funk. I also absolutely hate that we have no fixed schedule since my partner makes decisions that kill a lot of time in our evenings. But, I’ve decided that I’m not going to sit around and let another week pass by, I’m going to get up and get some work done tomorrow! I want to be productive, I want to workout, I want to learn sewing, I want to do all of these things so I can be content and happy with myself!

That’s all I have for now, I do have an appointment with my therapist in the evening and I don’t like the idea of telling him nothing has changed over the last week. But oh well, part of the battle is accountability I guess, so I’m going to own up to it and do better! Until later.
 

anonfromfinance

Active Member
Day Eight.

I gotta say that staying away from porn is definitely getting easier. I know it hasn't been that long and I'm not trying to get cocky but I think I'm definitely going through that mindset right now where I'm not wanting to relapse. In addition, I've reminded myself that this is something I'm doing for myself and for my partner. I've realized just how much porn has cut off my ability to feel any sort of emotions lately, especially in the relapses this year. This has only made it worse due to the differences me and my partner have had lately over his anxiety. I was talking to my therapist yesterday about how I am unable to relate to my partner when he talks about the problems his brain creates from the anxiety he's going through and how he feels like he's in fight or flight all the time and he said something about how I may have lost touch with my emotions due to my addiction. Which totally makes sense, I think I'm struggling to feel anything right now and my relapses this year might be to blame.

I'm also feeling that I need to overcome this addiction because its not fun having to admit to your therapist every week that you relapsed and I know from experience that over time it does start to feel a little better. My therapist is also having me go to an SAA meeting, which is Sex Addicts Anonymous and says that these meetings will really benefit me. According to some, a lot of sexual action related addictions come under SAA and porn addiction is one of those things. He thinks that a meeting will be more beneficial that just Journaling here out in the void but does want me to continue Journaling. I'm not opposed to the idea of going to an SAA meeting, I feel like its very similar to Journaling here so I'm not hesitant as of right now. I'm sure the nerves will hit a little bit when I actually do one of these meetings, good thing is that I'm going to do this meeting over a zoom, found some online, so that makes it easier. I have my first one at the end of this week, so I'll see how it goes.

Right now, I'm feeling a lot of brain fog, I think primarily because me and my partner have been arguing a lot lately over various things, most related to his anxiety and how we do things in the apartment since we're two very different people primarily because of our cleanliness and organization preferences. Doesn't feel great to live in an apartment with a partner when we're always fighting. I do have some school work and lately, I've dropped the ball again when it comes to that but I'm going to try and pick it up. Good news is that my partner is going on a vacation for almost 20 days and I will have the apartment all to myself to reboot and get my shit together. Feels good to be at day eight right now and I'm going to keep it up. See ya later.
 
Last edited:

anonfromfinance

Active Member
Day Thirteen.

Lucky 13 I guess. Feeling like dog shit though haha. I started this week with going to the gym first thing in the morning. It's what's made me feel better in the past and I thought "no excuses this time" so even though I got up late, I went to the gym! It felt good for sure, but the effects were short lived. Its Monday evening and I feel like shit again. Just going to keep at it. I think I have a lot on my mind but I don't feel like writing a lot now so I'm just going to leave out for now.
 

SimonM

Active Member
Yeah. The "dog shit" days are the worst. But if we push through them it does get easier after! There is light at the end of the tunnel! Keep it up!
 

anonfromfinance

Active Member
Day Fourteen.

Hey Simon, thanks man! I appreciate the kind words and I agree, just gotta keep at it no matter what!

Another day of feeling like shit but I want to do more than just a "check-in" sort of post here. I feel like a check-in just does not cut it all the time. It's like half assing. I've done Journaling in the past and I feel like something that helped was really reflecting and trying to get in touch with my emotions. I went to an SAA meeting last week and they talked about how "it works if you make it work" and I guess that's a good way to think about. Journaling, abstaining from PMO, trying to adopt good habits is only going to work if I make it work, if I give it my all, if I give it my 110%. So that's what I'm going to strive for. In the past, when I felt like shit, I also forced myself to study and work. That's something I haven't been doing this time around. If I feel like shit, I try to work for 5-10 minutes and then give up and go about my day doing nothing. That's out of the window too now. I'm going to force myself to be productive, or at least keep at it until things start making sense in my brain. Every time I sit down to study, I keep reading and reading and nothing makes sense. After a good 5-10 minutes, I give up. I'm going to start forcing myself to keep at it. No other option.

Speaking more about SAA, I went to my first meeting and gave it my honest try and I didn't feel like it was for me. I'm almost convinced that I don't want to do it because it honestly just doesn't make sense to me. All that talk of God and religion, and repeating things together just doesn't sit well with me. However, some of the guys on there mentioned that I should give it 6 meetings before I decide whether its for me or not. In addition, something in my brain is just telling me not too give up so easily. I was also thinking what other reasons made me think that SAA was not for me even though one guy said that his problem started with porn addiction too, and I think its just that its so dark and depressing, maybe? or maybe its that I feel like I'm not that far down the pit of addiction. Not that I think I'm better than these people, just that I think I can do this by myself since I've done it before. But I guess, if I'd done it successfully on my previous try, I wouldn't be here. I don't know, there are just factors that I cant pinpoint right now that make me not wanna do it. But I guess, I will go to another meeting this week and think see how it goes.

About yesterday, I did go to the gym. I didn't get any school work done but I did spend a couple hours learning how to sew. Sewing has been on my lust of things I really want to do and I have some more creative hobbies I want to keep up, so I'm giving them a fair chance, and maybe, it'll help me keep busy and help me in recovery and keep me from relapsing. The biggest thing I would say that's helping right now is not being on Instagram. I think my brain has just dulled and become so numb from mindlessly scrolling on Instagram all the time and watching mildly triggering content. I can almost feel the benefits of not being on Instagram because there have been a couple times where I logged in for a quick minute or two and its made the electrons in my brain start shooting lime crazy. What sucks is that I like to keep up with some events, news, live shows etc through Instagram and I'm missing some of them right now. There was a live event I really wanted to go to and didn't know about it because I wasn't on Instagram, I log in 2 days after for a quick minute and all the tickets were sold out. Kinda sucks, but I guess I could save the money too haha. But I thunk, eventually, I would like to be a normal person and get back on Instagrqm but I know its not for me right now.

I have also been going on long evening walks with my partner and my dog and I kinda feel good about them. Had a small tiff with my partner yesterday but nothing too crazy, we resolved it this morning. What's crazy is that in 2 days he is going on a vacation for 20 days and I'm going to be home alone with our dog. While I'm super stoked to be by myself to just keep my no-PMO counter going, add 20 days to my belt without having to feel the pressure of having sex, I'm just a little bit worried about a relapse because being alone is when it happens all the time. But I'm going to be at day 15 when he leaves so it would be a shame to start from 0 again and I'm really serious about getting better this time so I'm ready to fight any urges and cravings. Just flatlining for now. I also want to take these 20 days and have a good schedule, keep up with a diet and workout, catch up on some major school work, and spend a lot of my time pursuing my hobbies and maximizing my creative potential. I'm also ready to spend some quality time with our dog haha. My partner asked me if I wanted to have his parents take care of our dog for the time he's gone so I wouldn't have to do everything by myself but I asked him not to. Primarily because I didn't want to be away from our dog for 20 days and also because I thought at least our dog would get me out of the house every day and force me to be on a good rhythm.

Anyway, that's about it for now. I'm going tot go and get some work done, and to make myself feel better I'm going to go to some grooming appointments later in the day, look good, feel good I guess.
 
Top