I?ve been with my man for over three and a half years. In the beginning we had a lot of sex, but there were things I noticed that unusual: I was mostly the initiator, he would turn me down, he wouldn?t orgasm very often, sometimes had ED. I knew in my gut something wasn?t right. I had been with my ex 19 years and never experienced anything similar. Four months into our relationship I got suspicious. A few things happened and I discovered he was REALLY in to porn. It didn?t concern me at first, but then I realized the lengths he went through to hide it. And then he had lack of interest and ED too many times, and I put it all together. He said he had had ED problems his whole life, and that he was getting old (only 40 when I met him). He had been to the doctor and they tested him and all the tests were fine and they contributed it to anxiety and stress. I started researching and found YBOP and knew this had to be the problem. It was about 9 or 10 months into our relationship. I confronted him and asked him to check out this sight. He was honest and said that he would work on it and quit. We bonded over it, and I had panic attacks thinking about the whole problem. He got rid of his porn collection and said he stopped. Things got better, we had bouts of normal sex. He would get harder and bigger, he would initiate, we would do it days in a row. On a rare occasion, he would have an ED issue, but it wasn?t too big a deal, most the time everything was fine. A few months ago I started noticing a decline in his sex drive. He says it will always come and go. He adamantly denies watching porn. He says it?s anxiety, working so much etc. He says it will always come and go and won?t always be perfect. He says we are normal and that I?m expecting too much. He thinks once every two weeks is normal for couples, but even those last few times we?ve done it he had trouble and ED, even after I would suck on it. He couldn?t get hard and took a viagra. He use to get hard during sleep a few times every night, but he doesn?t get that anymore. We have an amazing relationship besides this. He is complimentary, affectionate, giving, and sensitive. We touch constantly, cuddle every night we spend together, and spend as much time together we possibly can. The other night I found a ziplock baggie of pages of notes of porn sites stashed underneath things in his filing cabinet. Some had dates he marked from 2011 and 2012. Then there was some random mail, credit card statement, birthday card etc, that had no porn notes, mixed in that were dated from 2019, like they were accidentally put in the bag. I freaked, thinking this is his problem. He has never admitted watching porn since our initial discussion 3 years ago. I cannot get him to admit it and I just feel in my gut something is wrong. He said that was from years ago and he didn?t know it was there. He gets mad and says I think I know everything and that I should have been a doctor. I?m a mess, and in hell. I love him so much, but I have no way to know if he is lying to me, but the circumstances don?t add up. I have an appointment with a sex and relationship therapist, but I?m having problems breathing and getting it out of my head that his problems from a porn relapse. Please please please if anyone has anything that can provide me with peace of mind, I would appreciate it!
Confused and need advice
- Thread starter Anglin
- Start date
I feel like I?ve left out some important details, after reading other posts. My boyfriend and I have an amazing relationship apart from this issue (the ED and therefore me not trusting he is porn free). We are very close and spend as much time as possible together. We always go to bed at the same time, and we cuddle and sleep close every night. He is always available for me, and I don?t feel like he is trying to get away. I?m worried I?m damaging our bond by not trusting him. But on the other hand, everything I read says they will deny it. At one time I did tell him that I would not stay with him if he was watching porn, but I have since retracted that and told him I would stand by him no matter what, realizing my mistake. After reading a lot of other info on peoples posts and YBOP I feel like he is lacking a lot red flags that point towards porn use. I?m still struggling with it, but trying to find peace somehow within myself.
Pete McVries
Active Member
Don't put pressure on him and sanction him if he used porn that will make everything worse. He will (continue to) lie to you about it because he then has to in order for you to not leave him. Furthermore, take into consideration that he might be ashamed about his problem (if it's true what you suspect). Support him, make sure he understands that you will stand by his side and that if he had a porn problem/addiction that you will get through this together. Moreover, and this is probably more easily said then done, try to remain calm. As far as you describe it, your relationship is not in imminent danger. Apart from the subpar sex life, everything seems fine. That is fixable, most likely. But if he has PIED then this will take time, so save some energy for the long run. A relationship therapist might help you but he/she cannot provide you with a magical fix that makes this go away within 24 hours. If your suspicion turns out to be right, the both of you have some work ahead of you. But the good news is, you can straighten everything out. But this will require time, patience and a level head.
Take care!
Take care!
Thank you so much for your response. Everything you said makes complete sense and is good advice. He is definitely ashamed of his porn use and I know he hates to disappoint me. He had used porn for several years, maybe 20 or more. Is it possible that he can still get PIED now, even if he hasn?t used porn in a year or two?
I?m also wondering if he could have relapsed without telling me, and he is now flatlining from quitting. I have noticed a positive change in his mood in the last few months, he?s been making better choices in other areas of his life (food and exercise) and seems to be even more loving than he was before.
I?m also wondering if he could have relapsed without telling me, and he is now flatlining from quitting. I have noticed a positive change in his mood in the last few months, he?s been making better choices in other areas of his life (food and exercise) and seems to be even more loving than he was before.
Pete McVries
Active Member
As far as I understand it, PIED is quick to come back once a person with PIED returns to porn. There are countless reports of it. PIED is hanging over our heads for the rest of our lives most likely. There is not much room for any errors. Could be worse.
Gambitchco
Active Member
I like the way you share a piece of advice. Appreciate it.Pete McVries said:
brokensoul
Member
I am now with my THIRD PA. They become incredible liars and will find places to dive into their dark pleasures. My ex was staying late at work. I noticed he had zero interest in sex but was affectionate. When I started digging it is unreal what I found. They will find their hiding place and lie and blame you. No erection while he's sleeping or in the morning.....yeah....porn is back. I don't advise this road. You can never replace all those images. If I would have known in the beginning I would have never even dated him. Now for the third time I'm suffering with sleepless nights and chronic crying spells of despair. It's not worth the pain trust me.
aquarius25
Respected Member
As much as I can appreciate the perspective of Pete McVries I want to add something. His perspective is coming from the perspective of the addict (or post addict), not a partner. Yes it is good for an addict to not experience ultimatums and they need support. Sure they want to know you will stand by their side but (and this is a very big BUT) only if you can, if you feel safe, and if you are in an emotional place to do so. If you are experiencing hurt or anything as a result of this situation it is perfectly ok to get space, need a break, and basically not be the perfect cheerleader for him. Will that make his reboot harder? Maybe and maybe not, either way his recovery isn't dependent on you and you don't need to do something if you are not in a place to be able to do so. It is ok to feel hurt, it is ok to not be ok with this. If you are feeling fine and you are wanting to be the supportive partner suggested about great! If that changes at anytime, it is ok if you can't be as supportive too. There is no one answer that is correct. I, as a partner, wanted to mention this perspective because it hadn't been mentioned and that just doesn't feel right.