Quit a well balanced addiction for good

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metalheadLars

Member
Hi,

i want to share my story for the first time ever and finally stop to watch sexually stimulating content for good. For me masturbation became important early, when i was 12 a always used to masturbate after school before doing homework or play videogames. Watched first porn with 14, also the age when i could undisturbed access the internet from a computer in my room. So my school days went flying away - i smoked weed, drank a lot and went to a lot of partys. Still didn't run into any trouble at all. First Sex i had was with 18 but i could really penetrate because i had masturbated multiple times already that day. I dont know how, but when i was 19 i finally when i love with a girl and we had a functional relationship with good sex for almost 3 years. During that time i still consumed porn and started to get into more weird stuff that involved hypnosis, feminization and lot of flashing images. I felt that porn turned me on a lot then the vanilla sex with my girlfriend a got a bit worried. We broke up because she and i went abroad into different countries. First a could stay away from porn for month but later relapsed even worse, sadly i was also struggling with drug addiction and depression because i could find a new girl. I overcame those though times because i moved and met great supportive friends, however the porn topic was still on the table.
I'm now 27, in my PhD and the last 4 years i couldn't form a meaningful relationship. I tried to stay absent and sometimes manage for a couple of weeks, i sometime used porn really heavily. What i have achieved is just somehow "manage" my addiction - so i don't suffer from too much escapades, but i'm still heavily hooked. I have failed to get an erection when being with girls on just almost every girl i have been with and that is not a lot to be honest.
Apart form the serious porn problem my life is going quite well, i have been lucky with friends and family and even no fear of losing my job or run into other trouble. Although i sometimes complain about high workload and unsupportive colleagues. What's really frustrating me though is that i can't find a girl and that i feel so awfully shameful because porn fetishes that i haved asked anyone for help.

So that's why i came here. In the journal i will be brutally honest to myself about porn consumption and also substance consumption - this is somehow related for my. Main goal is to stop porn and be strong enough to never start again. Any tips, discussion and questions are really appreciated.

Cheers,
Lars
 
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metalheadLars

Member
so it's day 3 today and i feel quite good. I Have not struggled too much - but overate 2 times and played a lot videogames after work - skipped gym 5 days in a row :( Attempt to target this lazzyness tomorrow. Heard the good news that one of my friends will finally move into my flat in the next weeks - guess that's gonna help
 
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metalheadLars

Member
i had bad relapse this weekend, tell you how this happend. I worked straight for 6 days, then on saturday evening i wanted to do something and one my friends was down to go nightclub together. I wanted to go, knowing already i might be drinking and be open to whatever, mostly drugs like mdma. So we went, had fun and when i was tipsy you got some mdma from some guy. The party was cool but i coudn't really talk to any girls and realized how high i was so decided to fantasize about porn and somehow already made this plan in my mind to go home and watch porn. So did, and i watched in the morning after waking up, again. This messed my up and i feel very guilty about it.
I'm starting to realize that my addiction is also substance related, because i would have never slipped so far if i was sober. For me really the one thing leads to the other, the beer to the ecstasy and my frustration to porn. What i want to do for now is quit drinking and be straight edge for awhile. This is hard for me because i always like that "going out doing stupid stuff"-part about my life.

Some of you also have drugs problems? How you manage to stay clean? 
 
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wecandoit

Guest
metalheadLars said:
i had bad relapse this weekend, tell you how this happend. I worked straight for 6 days, then on saturday evening i wanted to do something and one my friends was down to go nightclub together. I wanted to go, knowing already i might be drinking and be open to whatever, mostly drugs like mdma. So we went, had fun and when i was tipsy you got some mdma from some guy. The party was cool but i coudn't really talk to any girls and realized how high i was so decided to fantasize about porn and somehow already made this plan in my mind to go home and watch porn. So did, and i watched in the morning after waking up, again. This messed my up and i feel very guilty about it.
I'm starting to realize that my addiction is also substance related, because i would have never slipped so far if i was sober. For me really the one thing leads to the other, the beer to the ecstasy and my frustration to porn. What i want to do for now is quit drinking and be straight edge for awhile. This is hard for me because i always like that "going out doing stupid stuff"-part about my life.

Some of you also have drugs problems? How you manage to stay clean?
Click to expand...

I tend to relapse when I drink. I could relapse when I'm drunk or when I'm hangover-ed. I think it has something to do with the dopamine system. The hangover makes me feel so low in dopamine that I would anything to elevate myself and guess what else I know how to use to "elevate" myself? When I'm drunk, I don't know how this works. I guess it takes away my fear. I could be in front of the computer, telling myself out loud: "You know you will regret this tomorrow morning, right?" And I simply don't care. I don't feel any fear, any regret, the relapse feels like it will not mean anything and then when I sober up the sky falls on my head. I decided to stay away from getting drunk.
 
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tfc_42

Member
Getting a roommate will help.  Drugs\alcohol yea when you are alone not good.  The temptation will always win and obviously it will bring the needed excitement in your daily routine that is prob mundane and boring - trust me I know.    The only way I could stop is if I had a chance with a girl.    If I knew there was just a slightest chance that i could be having sex i would do whatever i could to stop before hand.  The most humiliating and awkward thing for me was to not be able to get hard with a girl.  It happened several times in my twenties and nearly ruined me.  Maybe you can use that as some motivation.    Keep trying... Good LUck.
 
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Reboot4eva

Member
Man it?s super tough to change when you remain in an environment where the behaviors you are trying to leave behind can thrive. A huge step in the right direction is to start to cultivate a new environment that your old behaviors don?t jive with. New social groups & hobbies are a good start. Ha and there are plenty of ways to ?go and do stupid stuff? while sober, you just need the right crowd. This level of change is not easy but you can definitely do it.
 
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metalheadLars

Member
Hi everybody,

This topic has once again become important to me. I now realize that posting here (almost 2 years ago now) was only the first step in a long road. Since then, I have found a meaningful relationship that means everything to me. After opening up and speaking to her about addictions - drugs, porn, and games - I have made the decision to quit for good.

My overall environment has changed a bit only. I have gained more insight into my triggers and the general nature of pornography consumption. For the last years i have cought me planning trips to porn wonderland every now and then. No plans on friday night? Perfect, let's just relax at home. I found that I knowingly create the space and situations were porn can happen, yet i feel like im often unaware of these things. Also i find that i tend to forget about these events and reframe them as normal masturbation practise. Probably this is only the beging of realizing how strange i have become to myself.
Right now i want to 1.) stop any porn 2.) not masturbate until the end of the month 3.) dont ever do drugs alone - i think its ok to do sometimes socially and belive i can control it. I know that especially the last point will frustrate you readers, but i do think it will be a lot easier for me do. However, as i write these words i feel it sounds like i lack the will to really quit. And maybe that is precisly the reason why im still hooked. But then there is this deep belive in me that i will miss out on a lot of pleasure if i commit to absence. At least that is what im telling to myself. I need to work this.

When we talk about porn i admit that i am an addict and want to change. Just today i watched the first porn after two weeks of absence, i could not control myself and felt curious of what might happen to me. Well, i relapsed. I know now that is normal and part of the progress. In the past, blocking the access to porn did not work out for me. I read that i should avoid triggers and find a substitue behaviour for wachting porn. My triggers involve normal activities like
  • losing a video game,
  • scrolling on my phone when im tired,
  • starting my desktop computer and opening the browser
  • checking my go-to normal websites
  • stress
  • short sleeps
Anything you want to talk about is greatly appreciated.
 
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metalheadLars

Member
Today I'm on day 2 with no porn and day 7 without drugs. I was triggered a couple of times, but I managed to stay strong because I now know what's going on.
 
forestwater

forestwater

Member
Good luck! Stay strong, and more importantly, stay smart. You want a good life for yourself, and that is absolutely incompatible with porn.
 
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metalheadLars

Member
Yesterday was tough, i could not concentrate at work during the afternoon. I think about porn and not watching porn a lot. This is probably sign of a withdrawl. Today has been mutch better, but i do feel unease when im alone.
 
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metalheadLars

Member
Hi all,

sharing my story feels easier now. When i posted back in 2020 i definitely felt a lot of shame for exposing my weakness like this. Now i'm changing this attitude and try to be more positive about change and also more honest and open to this forum.
When i went through my hardcover journal i found an entry from 2015 where i already had thoughts about quitting porn. First attempts with nofap/noporn started in 2019. To be really honest i never made i longer than 2 weeks, and that was only when i was on a vaccation.

On my new 2022 attempt i have also watched porn once on last saturday. I have confessed this to my girlfriend and decided to not try no fap anymore, just no porn/drugs. She wasnt surprised, as was i tbh. However i think it will be more easy to quit porn and after recovering from that a bit - 90 days or so - i might want to try nofap again for some time.
 
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dopaminer

Member
Hey @metalheadLars, I actually found that sharing my feelings of shame and shedding more light on my history with porn strengthened my resolve to quit porn for good. I'm still uncomfortable admitting the truth about my past and experiences with porn, but it's also nice to know that I'm not alone. And while I still feel the shame hanging over my head and I try to use that to stay focused on keeping clean, I try not to dwell on the past because there's nothing I can do to go back and change what's been done. I can just focus on what's ahead, and what I do today - that's what I've got control over. All that to say, you've got this! And stick with your resolve, if possible I definitely think trying to go without PMO entirely is the best way - I'd be worried about slipping if I continued to MO, especially because I'd know I'd seek out visual stimuli which would effectively be reinforcing the same neural pathways as P. Rooting for ya!
 
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metalheadLars

Member
ok i have relapsed again today. i start counting again from day 0 and will be my best and strongest to make it through the weekend and all of next week. It is definitly way harder than i thought it would be. Still, i think i can make it possible with a few more adaptations:
  1. This is not a half-hearted approach to watch less porn. This is me never again watching porn.
  2. I stay away from sexual imagery as i cant destingish between what is porn and what not.
  3. I cannot use social media platforms for scrolling
  4. I only use my computer for work - no games/internet
  5. I force myself to endure boredom
at least i did not do drugs for the last 18 days, while this is not exceptional for me, i belive it helps to see that i dont need things
 
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metalheadLars

Member
10 days no PMO this is a new milestones.

Feels different, I still crave browsing to certain parts of the web. But I didn't give in even once during 10 days.
I spended minimal time at screens last week. This helped me a lot and I want to continue to limit this routinely.
Also no drugs since 27 days ✌️
 
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