00:44am. Feeling sad and confused about a girl I love that I will probably have to move on from. Was just about to open a "favourite' softcore porn page to feel better, and I was going to justify it by telling myself it's not really porn ... but I've said that way too many times before - it IS porn, it always leads to lots of time and sexual energy wasted, and it often leads to more hardcore porn. Not this time. This time I closed that tab before I even finished typing in the URL and on a whim went to this website instead to make this post. Just as a thing to do instead. And as a way to pat myself on the back for having good judgement for once and not listening to the bullshit rationalisations in my head for porn.
I might as well start a journal now and say a little about myself.
Background
At the time of writing I am 23. I lost my virginity at age 21 - I spent a lot of my teenage years being mostly unconsciously afraid of sex and intimacy, hiding behind my computer screen, channelling all my sexual desires and frustrations towards porn. I didn't know how to make the moves, I was afraid of doing the wrong thing, or hurting the other person. And for some reason I had unrealistic, self-limiting beliefs, like that women don't want sex like I do, least of all the women I cared about most in my life, or that there's something shameful about my desire for sex, or that women do not want to have sex with me. Porn became my sexual outlet.
Edit: I don't remember the exact age I started watching porn, but it must have been around age 11. Details from that time are hazy, but I do remember at night waiting anxiously till everybody was asleep, and sneaking to the family computer to watch porn before sleeping. I remember feeling a lot of guilt about watching porn because at the time I was religious. I remember ashamedly confessing my porn use to the school priest. The predominant feeling and learned behaviour was that my sexuality was something to be ashamed of, something dirty, something I had to hide.
Recognising issues
When age 20 started to loom over the horizon, I realised I had been missing out on so many opportunities for relationships, intimacy, sex, social skills, personal growth and discovery. And that porn was not just a tool for sexual relief but also became a tool for escapism. When stressed or depressed, I would use porn. I would binge. I would spend hours. I got depressed (mostly for reasons unrelated to this forum). I would binge masturbate in self-loathing and self-destruction and to bluntly numb emotional pain. To turn it all off.
Resolving to fix them
It knew it had to stop and that I had to start throwing myself into the things I had been so afraid of and incompetent in. I overcompensated. I started going out lots, to bars and clubs, I read pick-up artist books like The Game, Bang, Models (Models is the only one I recommend, though The Game was a fun read). Eventually I met a girl at a club who wanted to have sex. I tried to have sex with her back at her place and I couldn't keep hard. I couldn't put on the condom. I felt horrible. She felt horrible. In retrospect she must have been pretty immature - she was offended and did not want to speak to me again. So now I had even more anxiety around sex. This happened a few more times with different girls and each time it happened the worse the anxiety got. How on earth was I going to break out of this negative cycle? Eventually I decided to buy viagra. I lost my virginity using it.
The sex I was having dispelled some the self-limiting beliefs I mentioned. But without the viagra I still had the ED. I Googled, discovered Gary Wilson's website and read about porn-induced erectile dysfunction, and figured I'd really screwed my sexuality up with all the escapist porn binging. So this was followed by many, many failed attempts to quit. On and off for - I've lost track - three years? Maybe more. I started to realise I was an addict.
Progress made
These days, I don't think it was porn-induced erectile dysfunction. I think all the porn and masturbation certainly had something to do with it, but it was mainly performance anxiety and unrealistic expectations. I have realised now that it is totally normal to not be able to keep an erection when you're with something new. You're nervous, you feel self-conscious, you're not even sure what she likes, what you like about her, if you can trust her ... and these might all be sub-conscious. I realised it's normal to not always be in the mood to have sex, even if a girl is naked in your bed and wanting to fuck you. I recently found somebody that has been patient with me, and after trying sex with her 3 or 4 times, the erection difficulties went away with her for good. And another thing - I was trying to use condoms that were too small for me. Now I have measured and bought a well-fitting one and it goes on easy and the anxiety of putting on a condom (and hence around sex in general) has lessened thanks to that.
Where I'm at now
So, in the past few years I've improved my social skills, lost my virginity, gained sexual experience, gained more realistic beliefs and expectations around sex, gained a better idea of what turns me on, become more confident around being naked, less shameful about my desires ... so why am I here? Just take a look at the way I started this post. Porn remains a problem for me. I am still tempted to resort to it when I'm feeling down. And I still relapse even though I logically know that it does me no good, only harm.
It wastes my time, and there are many things I want to use my time for that give me meaning in my life. It squanders my sexual appetite and energy and leaves me feeling empty, the same sexual energy that, if put to good use with real people that are right for me, can lead to beautiful experiences. It triggers self-destructive emotion and behaviour and depressive thoughts. It reinforces the habit of escapism rather than dealing with and solving the issues that cause pain.
So onwards I go. I keep a porn blocker on my phone and computer. I tick a box in my bullet journal every day that I succeed in not watching porn. There are still times when I feel stressed, lonely, hopeless, all sorts of other painful emotions, and try to feel better by watching porn (you can always find a way to get past the blocks.) But I think I relapse much less, and when I do it seldom turns into a terrible binge like the old days (the blocks definitely help with this.)
The takeaway
My goal is to keep treating myself well this year. I made a bullet journal at the start of 2020 and committed to caring for myself from now on. To cut out the self-destruction, almost with indignation I realised I deserve better. "No, damn it, I'm not going to make myself miserable anymore, I'm not going to berate myself and give up when things go south, I can be good to myself, kind and caring, no matter what happens or what I do wrong." I am more compassionate with myself these days. My bullet journal is nice because it feels like a consolidated project for the year. I can see my progress in a very tangible way. It gives me a sense of scale in time - where previously a relapse or bad patch felt like an unsalvageable catastrophe, made me feel hopeless, worthless, self-destructive, now I know that all is not lost - all I need to do is go back to my bullet journal: perform some version of my night routine, check off the boxes in the habit tracker, realise that my commitment to taking care of myself still exists, the project is still alive and will welcome me back with open arms whenever I choose to return to it.
I might as well start a journal now and say a little about myself.
Background
At the time of writing I am 23. I lost my virginity at age 21 - I spent a lot of my teenage years being mostly unconsciously afraid of sex and intimacy, hiding behind my computer screen, channelling all my sexual desires and frustrations towards porn. I didn't know how to make the moves, I was afraid of doing the wrong thing, or hurting the other person. And for some reason I had unrealistic, self-limiting beliefs, like that women don't want sex like I do, least of all the women I cared about most in my life, or that there's something shameful about my desire for sex, or that women do not want to have sex with me. Porn became my sexual outlet.
Edit: I don't remember the exact age I started watching porn, but it must have been around age 11. Details from that time are hazy, but I do remember at night waiting anxiously till everybody was asleep, and sneaking to the family computer to watch porn before sleeping. I remember feeling a lot of guilt about watching porn because at the time I was religious. I remember ashamedly confessing my porn use to the school priest. The predominant feeling and learned behaviour was that my sexuality was something to be ashamed of, something dirty, something I had to hide.
Recognising issues
When age 20 started to loom over the horizon, I realised I had been missing out on so many opportunities for relationships, intimacy, sex, social skills, personal growth and discovery. And that porn was not just a tool for sexual relief but also became a tool for escapism. When stressed or depressed, I would use porn. I would binge. I would spend hours. I got depressed (mostly for reasons unrelated to this forum). I would binge masturbate in self-loathing and self-destruction and to bluntly numb emotional pain. To turn it all off.
Resolving to fix them
It knew it had to stop and that I had to start throwing myself into the things I had been so afraid of and incompetent in. I overcompensated. I started going out lots, to bars and clubs, I read pick-up artist books like The Game, Bang, Models (Models is the only one I recommend, though The Game was a fun read). Eventually I met a girl at a club who wanted to have sex. I tried to have sex with her back at her place and I couldn't keep hard. I couldn't put on the condom. I felt horrible. She felt horrible. In retrospect she must have been pretty immature - she was offended and did not want to speak to me again. So now I had even more anxiety around sex. This happened a few more times with different girls and each time it happened the worse the anxiety got. How on earth was I going to break out of this negative cycle? Eventually I decided to buy viagra. I lost my virginity using it.
The sex I was having dispelled some the self-limiting beliefs I mentioned. But without the viagra I still had the ED. I Googled, discovered Gary Wilson's website and read about porn-induced erectile dysfunction, and figured I'd really screwed my sexuality up with all the escapist porn binging. So this was followed by many, many failed attempts to quit. On and off for - I've lost track - three years? Maybe more. I started to realise I was an addict.
Progress made
These days, I don't think it was porn-induced erectile dysfunction. I think all the porn and masturbation certainly had something to do with it, but it was mainly performance anxiety and unrealistic expectations. I have realised now that it is totally normal to not be able to keep an erection when you're with something new. You're nervous, you feel self-conscious, you're not even sure what she likes, what you like about her, if you can trust her ... and these might all be sub-conscious. I realised it's normal to not always be in the mood to have sex, even if a girl is naked in your bed and wanting to fuck you. I recently found somebody that has been patient with me, and after trying sex with her 3 or 4 times, the erection difficulties went away with her for good. And another thing - I was trying to use condoms that were too small for me. Now I have measured and bought a well-fitting one and it goes on easy and the anxiety of putting on a condom (and hence around sex in general) has lessened thanks to that.
Where I'm at now
So, in the past few years I've improved my social skills, lost my virginity, gained sexual experience, gained more realistic beliefs and expectations around sex, gained a better idea of what turns me on, become more confident around being naked, less shameful about my desires ... so why am I here? Just take a look at the way I started this post. Porn remains a problem for me. I am still tempted to resort to it when I'm feeling down. And I still relapse even though I logically know that it does me no good, only harm.
It wastes my time, and there are many things I want to use my time for that give me meaning in my life. It squanders my sexual appetite and energy and leaves me feeling empty, the same sexual energy that, if put to good use with real people that are right for me, can lead to beautiful experiences. It triggers self-destructive emotion and behaviour and depressive thoughts. It reinforces the habit of escapism rather than dealing with and solving the issues that cause pain.
So onwards I go. I keep a porn blocker on my phone and computer. I tick a box in my bullet journal every day that I succeed in not watching porn. There are still times when I feel stressed, lonely, hopeless, all sorts of other painful emotions, and try to feel better by watching porn (you can always find a way to get past the blocks.) But I think I relapse much less, and when I do it seldom turns into a terrible binge like the old days (the blocks definitely help with this.)
The takeaway
My goal is to keep treating myself well this year. I made a bullet journal at the start of 2020 and committed to caring for myself from now on. To cut out the self-destruction, almost with indignation I realised I deserve better. "No, damn it, I'm not going to make myself miserable anymore, I'm not going to berate myself and give up when things go south, I can be good to myself, kind and caring, no matter what happens or what I do wrong." I am more compassionate with myself these days. My bullet journal is nice because it feels like a consolidated project for the year. I can see my progress in a very tangible way. It gives me a sense of scale in time - where previously a relapse or bad patch felt like an unsalvageable catastrophe, made me feel hopeless, worthless, self-destructive, now I know that all is not lost - all I need to do is go back to my bullet journal: perform some version of my night routine, check off the boxes in the habit tracker, realise that my commitment to taking care of myself still exists, the project is still alive and will welcome me back with open arms whenever I choose to return to it.