Taking care of myself no matter what

[nmmfm]

Day 2

How am I? A little tired at the moment, and my neck aches a little after all the work tonight. A bit anxious about getting a good day of work in tomorrow without feeling like I want to grind against my own authority. This morning I was lazy - it was cold and I stayed under the bedcovers instead of doing a workout. Next time I should put my clothes on immediately (to get warm) and go outdoors for the workout.

Ran into someone I'm supposed to be getting over so I feel a bit wonky emotionally. She barely seemed to pay me much attention - which is just as well, considering I had asked her to give me space, but I can't help but want her to still want me. I left the place and it was a nice feeling entering my room alone: familiarity, safety, and good judgment. But I do really miss her.

I had quite a nice night and I'm doing OK.

Tomorrow I want to have a good day. I am going to plan it now: exercise, work (current projects/obligations, goals), and importantly, some leisure.

 

[nmmfm]

Day 3

How am I? Tired. It's late at night. I'm a bit anxious about having a good day tomorrow - it's going to be a busy one. I'm anxious about a girl I'm supposed to be meeting at a party at night - there'll be other guys there, there'll be friends/acquaintances - I want to kiss this girl, have sex with her, but not sure if I should be making moves there, and I'm worried also that she'll lose interest in me for some other guy there. I mustn't put her on a pedestal - "plenty of fish in the sea." I should just go and have a good time, see what it feels like with her, and relax. There's no pressure. If I feel like, perhaps after the show I could ask her to hang around with me and go back to my place or something.

It occurred to me today that probably one of the main reasons I'm finding it quite easy to stay off PMO right now is that I feel I have women who are interested in me. It will be more difficult when that dries up but I have to remind myself I deserve a happy, healthy life.

 

[nmmfm]

Day 4

Feeling a bit sad tonight. At the party, I was interested in three girls, and I think I had a good chance with at least two of them, but I guess I was a pig; I didn't 'commit' to any particular person and ended up going home alone.

To make matters worse, my ex/heartbreaker showed up at some point, and I think she's back with her ex, which isn't easy for me to process. In fact seeing that might have contributed to my neediness tonight. I texted one of the girls I was interested in just now, saying I'd like to see her again soon. I feel needy. I really wanted to end up with somebody tonight.

Don't want to be needy! Need to relax. It's OK. I'm insecure about my hair loss, although I got quite a few compliments on my hair tonight. Oh, and that girl that told me I was the best dancer tonight! Oh, I ended up being needy with her too - approaching her at the end of the night asking her if she was going anywhere ... I feel she picked up on my neediness. I should've just 'picked her' instead of being a greedy, noncommittal cunt, and kissed her. Or the other one.

Part of me wanted to do something like that just to make my ex/heartbreaker jealous. How ridiculous. I'm still not over her :/

Anyway. I need to be clear with myself. I'm worthy of a happy life. Tomorrow, I need to wake up quite early for work. I will brush my teeth now, do what's good for me, and get into bed. It's not going to be a very fun day tomorrow - lots of work. I need something to look forward to. Perhaps I will go to a bar at night after work, or spend some nice time alone, reading.

 

[nmmfm]

Chasing girls, chasing satisfaction ... why can't I just be satisfied with the here and now, with what I've got? Why do I feel the need to fall in love with somebody? I need to remind myself: nothing external will ever truly complete me in any stable way.

For the first time in this streak I'm experiencing some real urges to feel 'whole' through the illusion that porn provides.

 

[nmmfm]

Day 5

(posting retroactively)

How am I? Pretty good. Still not fully happy with my hair but hey it's not too looking too bad.

I like that I've been busy with work that I find meaningful.

Planning to have a full day, ideally with collaborations with others so that I'm accountable, getting out of the house and socialising, and taking care also to include some fun relaxing leisure time to look forward to seems to be working for me.

I'm a little upset that I don't have a reliable/regular sex partner at the moment. I have possible options but the uncertainty is bothering me a little (and the worry that they'll all turn out to be dead ends and that I'll find myself suddenly without any prospects again.) Perhaps I've lost that sense of fun in the chase (or become more attuned to my real feelings in the midst of it all ...)

I also don't like my lack of routine and I still feel rather disciplineless. As an example, I just said fuck it and enjoyed a glass of coke in bed even though I know it'll probably keep me awake. A little moment of rebellion against my authority. Maybe it's not so bad ... these little moments of fun. I kind of like them. So long as I can get away with them without derailing completely, I guess it's ok.

Clothes all over the floor! Slightly achey back from last night's moshingat a gig. TIred (good, given the glass of coke.)

 

[nmmfm]

Day 6
(7-3-2022, written 8-3-2022)

How am I? I'm ok I think. A little 'dead' feeling, which can sometimes feel cool - in this case I think it's because I got laid last night, and so I had an unexpectedly late night. I can still smell her on my clothes. The water at home today wasn't working so I haven't washed yet. I also have no real plan for today, and since it's not so clear to me what to work on next, I've ended up at a coffee shop, just to reflect (or procrastinate what I clearly _need_ to get done: washing my clothes, doing the dishes, and collecting all my items strewn disrespectfully all over the house.)

I woke up this morning feeling a bit down. I was really hard when I had her over my face (at first I was a little turned off by the taste of her, and the pubic hair, but I quickly got into the experience and I enjoyed seeing her from below) - I told her I wanted to be inside her and she silently went to grab a condom. That confused me a little and I lost my erection. Later I was able to get it again - through the same method (I wish it wasn't the only way I can get hard ... but maybe it's because it's the first time I'm with her) - I put my condom on, and fucked her doggystyle, but my erection didn't last. There wasn't much sensation, and I guess I was tired, and not feeling much of a personal connection. So I felt a bit like a failure and wondered if finasteride is what's causing this. The thing is - I don't think this is any different to the first time (hell, the first _few_ times) I fucked other girls. It's normal for this to happen to me.

She sucked me off, and again I was worried I was losing my erection, but I came pretty quickly, and it was really nice. She used a lot of suction, which I liked.

But the sex felt quite meaningless and rushed.

I was not so turned on by her body either, to be completely honest. Nothing wow. I don't know ... I guess I'll meet her again, and feel out the vibe.

I like the idea of being a sexy devil that gets laid a lot ...

On the other hand I can't neglect the other aspects of my life.

How am I? Still stressed out about hair loss, of course. Going to be 26 this year. My friend triggered me a little yesterday when he said that 25 was the age that he really started to feel like he was aging.

Anyway. Life is what you make it, I guess. It can be quite beautiful, if you look around for it. It's a lovely sunny day today.

Now I'll figure out what to do with the rest of my day.

 

[nmmfm]

It bothers me that I'm often not able to keep my erection like I imagine other guys are. I'm skeptical that the cause is too much jerking off/porn in my life. It's interested to read Gabe Deem's story. I am skeptical of the whole rebooting idea - that if I continue to abstain from PMO for long enough, my erection quality will be much better. But it's worth a try. And I'm far happier not engaging in my unhealthy, time-wasting masturbation habits.

 

[nmmfm]

Day 7
(8-3-2022)

How am I? Tired. Neutral. A little stressed out because this evening I went out with a date and ended up running into another date.

Tomorrow I want to have a good day, prioritising exercise, chores, work I need to get done, and a little bit of fun at the end of the day.

 

[nmmfm]

Day 8
(9-3-2022)

Wanted to test my boner cos I was worried I had bad finasteride side-effects. Watched porn. Wasn't a great erection so I was worried.

Day 9
(10-3-2022)

Watched porn and jerked off and I was horny and really hard so that at least puts my mind at rest about bad finasteride side effects.
Had sex with an old flame - great erection quality.

Day 10
(11-3-2022)

Day 11
(12-3-2022)

Felt really horny and jerked off to porn again (started with pics of girls on social media ...). Good erection quality thankfully.

Day 12
(13-3-2022)

Beh. This one was stupid. Tired after a long day. Overtired actually. The espresso probably doesn't help, and lack of routine and not exercising nor cooking much. Feeling a bit inadequate (talent-wise) and frazzled. Just wanted some relief ...

Hey, at least I've been feeling quite sexy.