New Start

Rookie

Active Member
Day 118, today was the first day that I had a slight temptation to view. However, I didn't cave.

My wife had her competition this past weekend. It was a great experience. And I was one of the only men backstage with a ton of gorgeous women in competition bikinis. Especially, since it was a bodybuilding / bikini / physique competition. The bonus, I could actually refrain from glancing at any of them for even more than a second. No temptation, no urge, nothing.

This may have been what God prepared me for since last year. This competition.

The downside, it's been about a month since I have had any relief. And I have told myself, with the moods my wife has been in within the last couple of months...I'm not making the first move. When she wants it, she can come and see me.

In one sense, I'm giving her space, and in the other sense, it's a big, "screw that, I have been rejected for the last few weeks, not interested in getting rejected again".

All that said, I'm not desperate for it. Which is finally an awesome position to be in.

I have also been working many hours on preparing an online business. I noticed it was removed from a previous post. I'm not doing a 3 pill system anymore, too costly for not enough results. So I've discovered affiliate marketing. Very, very intriguing industry.

If anyone here is interested in finding out more, PM me. I won't post it here, but for someone that has enough drive, it can be very lucrative.
 

Rookie

Active Member
Day 143...I can't believe I still have barely any temptation. Even with Tiktok for my sideline business and all the women that expose themselves. I have control. Before this reboot, I would have searched them out, or gone right for the sites and relief.

The very much downside, my wife's anxiety, hormones and everything else, has been to the point that we're living like roommates. Am I fed up, very much. Frustrated, very much. Hoping for even just a hug...you have no idea.

Not only has there been no intimacy over the last couple months, there's been no affection or anything either.

Then the stress at work about pushing the shot...so far, it hasn't been mandated. Just highly, highly, highly recommended. About 20 of the building I work with have declined it. And company wide, I found numbers hovering around 20% took it.

Then I have the doing the groceries, cleaning the house, my own meal preps...and no affection from the missus.

Yeah, I'm frustrated. I want to work out, but I don't even feel I have time for that right now. Might actually have to make an appointment with a therapist to deal with this. And it's not just with the sexual relief, but with everything I'm going through. Had to log in the CC websites and actually lock them, my wife was shopping so much.

Full admit, life sucks right now. But I know it will get better. There are couples that have gone months to years without sex, and they survived. I'm wondering if they only difference was, we on this board, are actually fighting an addiction we never thought we could beat.

So for the folks still reading my updates, first, thank you so much. Drop a comment to let me know who you are. Second, my apologies for venting it out here. I'm just a bit frustrated, but, I know if it's only for a little bit longer, I can handle it. We have been through so much in this marriage (you'll have to read the first few pages for those details / events).

Cheers for now, and if you're still in this fight, the temptation eventually DOES go away. I never thought I could say it, but it does.
 

JerryTX

Active Member
Congrats Rookie on your success. While not to the extreme that your dealing with, my wife and I are sometimes very far apart on the affection and sex. I used to use that as one of my many PMO excuses. 143 days is incredible and my prayer is you and your wife can work through this. Marriage is tough and hopefully communicating about these feelings with your spouse will be productive.
 

Rookie

Active Member
Day 162, still not much for temptation (praise the Lord on this one). Now about 2.5 months without relief. I have had a moment with her that did start pitching a tent, and I noticed some slight discomfort with Pedro. I had the same issue last year, turns out it was scar tissue inside the shaft, as well as a UTI. Last year, it was beyond painful.

So, with this concern, I'm a bit comforted that she's not in the mood, as I'm not sure what kind of pain I would be facing. I have an appointment with my Homeopathic doctor on Jan 6th, regarding this issue. He treated successfully last year, and I don't remember the natural medication he gave me.

So, I'll be working with him on resolving this, and it takes the pressure off of wanting relief. If any of you have dealt with that pain, when the tent is pitched, it is unbelievably painful. Especially at climax. Sorry for the details, however, this is the only vent avenue I have. Can't do FB about this, Tiktok, IG or anywhere else. This is the only "anonymous" board I can post this kind of personal stuff on.

For the folks reading this, that are still within their first days / weeks of fighting this...the only thing I'll say, if you want encouragement, you can read from the start on my thread. I have had solid, solid fights with this. It was NOT easy. And while it's easier than it's ever been, I can confidently say, that my wife could be at work, for 8 hrs, and I can be home on my PC for 8 hrs, and I finally confident that I fight this temptation.

There will come a certain day, that you're so far along, that you don't want to crash again.

Another encouragement, is that on Friday mornings, I get together with 3 other Christian brothers. I'm the youngest by probably 6 yrs, and some days, I thank my studies of the past, with Reformed Theologians, the oldest brother, actually told me that I was a blessing at our studies, with the observations and explanations I bring, are a benefit to the group. That touched me. NOT looking for credit in this, but that God has blessed me with strong and accurate teachers. I CRAVE those Friday mornings to the point that I work 4 - 12 am every night, and Thursday night to Friday morning, I only sleep about 4 hrs. I have to get up at 5 am to go get the fire going at the camp, so it's warm enough for us to be able to focus on the study, and not shivering.

A bit of a longer post, but feeling more and more encouraged with what is going on around us...we all need encouragement.
 

Rookie

Active Member
Day 188, 2 days ago I had strong urges to view...thankfully I was able to fight them off. And as of yesterday, the no relief drought is over. So since the end of Oct...till yesterday. My wife was finally in the mood in the morning.
I was completely unsure how my performance would be, but either way, she seemed satisfied, and rarely are men not satisfied.

Her hormones are coming back to normal since her bikini competition. I have spoken to a couple of women that have competed and they said it could take anywhere from 2 - 6 months for her hormones to regulate, as well as her libido to come back. So when I was advised of this, there was a bit of encouragement to say the least.

I have also kept busy with trying to get an amazon store going, as well as a few other projects. And since there was relief yesterday, the urge for PMO is all but gone. Thank goodness.
 

Rookie

Active Member
Well, I'm coming back, with my tail between my legs. I'm not sure when I fell off the bandwagon. I just know I'm starting again. I'm incredibly mad at myself for falling. And humiliated for posting this. However, I also know I made it to about 200 days without anything. So I'm posting again for therapy, venting, discussions and most of all, accountability. I know from previous experience the fight this is. And I thought it was 100% me at the end, and I am now convinced, that God essentially told me "you think you got this? How about I remove some of that grace I gave you to fight"...and so, I fell.
I need to be in prayer much more, read my bible much more and to realize He was the one that gave me strength. Here's to building another streak again. Hopefully this time, it will be for good.

The tough part, my wife seems to forget she's married. Not much relief, so I have to fight twice as hard. Intimacy is only about once a month, maybe. Time go get busy and thanks for reading.
 

SimonM

Active Member
Welcome back!

Do you focus on creating intimacy / connection with your wife? Maybe it could help your recovery AND your intimate relationship with her. Think of ways to surprise her, spend time on something she likes to do, cuddle, compliments... etc.
 

Rookie

Active Member
Welcome back!

Do you focus on creating intimacy / connection with your wife? Maybe it could help your recovery AND your intimate relationship with her. Think of ways to surprise her, spend time on something she likes to do, cuddle, compliments... etc.
I have been trying that. But since Oct last year (she did a bikini competition in bodybuilding) she has not just been passionate about, but completely obsessed. Gym all the time (which I appreciate). But I have been doing the budgeting, groceries, cooking, cleaning, filling the cars up, working full time evenings (4-midnight), working days for my father for extra income and we're both starting together on Sundays for extra again. I'm spending between $400 - $600 per week between fuel and groceries. Just to keep up.

She doesn't seem to be clueing in with all the expenses. So I'm stressed about the revenue and the expenses, and she keeps texting me "I need this, and that and this and that". No matter how I feel about it all, I just keep my mouth shut, to let her chase her dream of competing.

But on my end, frustrations. And I don't support divorce other than due to infidelity. I have 0 doubt that she's faithful.

I know she's stressed, very stressed at work. So I keep giving slack. So, I went 2.5 months without anything previously...I can do it again.
 

Rookie

Active Member
Here again. There are a couple of threads I'll post all the right ingredients on how to fight this, and I haven't followed the recipe myself. I'm in a perfect storm as of late. My wife is not interested in me. She says she loves me, I 100% believe her, but there's no intimacy, no affection, no attention. It's all about her phone, social media and her upcoming bikini competition in a couple of months. Oh, and I can't forget, the comments she gets from everyone in SM (social media). "This person said this about me, I'm giving up"...

I'm just getting so tired of her acting like a teenager in high school. I want to say "You either grow up, put your head down and delete your SM, or quit and focus on your marriage again". I also know we have been married for almost 20 yrs, and I refuse to go back in the dating pool after talking to many friends that are dating, and say that it's not what it was 20 - 30 yrs ago.

Another factor we're dealing with, is my wife's CT scan came back. She also had an MRI in 2019. She has brain atrophy (brain shrinkage). So she's forgetting lots of things, she's frustrated, loses her temper, doesn't recognize when she's talking with a serious tone. And the only factor between 2019 and now, is that vaccine she took. She only took it so she could compete last year. Her work pushed for it, but never forced it. So in a sense, that's on her. This thread is NOT a rant against or for the vaccine, it's purely a frustration with the side effects we are dealing with.

Another thing going on, is because of her competition and rising cost of everything, I'm working about 7 days a week. Full time from 4pm - midnight at my job. Every Sunday at a health food store, and during the day part time for my dad in construction / excavating / landscaping. All while still doing my house chores, cooking my own (she won't cook for me) family budgeting, and groceries.

She works, trains and that's about it. She's dealing with the dogs 24/7 (works from home, so they can be annoying sometimes).

So yeah, it's a very, very difficult time for relief as of late.

So working so much, I can't make church anymore and it frustrates me so much, and I'm torn between being commanded to provide for my family and gathering with the saints.

Seriously hoping this inflation thing takes a break so life can get back to normal.
 

Rookie

Active Member
I'm struggling, bad. I know all the ingredients. However, I can't seem to stick to the recipe myself. Time for myself to start posting daily. I'm also looking for a local psychologist, someone I have to look in the eye, either weekly or monthly to hold me accountable.

I'm not going to give the sob story of what is going on, just that the temptations are getting bad. I'm crashing and burning more often that I like to admit.
First, I have all my payments but one set as auto withdrawal, so that limits my time here. I don't have an excuse to be here anymore (and I am way too often).
Next, I finally got some new ear buds for working out. Time to start using them. I'm struggling with finding a proper pre-workout. NONE give me a boost, however, some give me the runs. Looks like old fashion coffee it is, after breakfast and then calisthenics.

TV is not longer a trigger for me. At least for now. My biggest fight right now, is in my head, the fantasies.

The bonus, I'm going to get a head start the first 2 weeks of Sept. I'm on vacation and away from the internet and everything. Doing a huge 2 week job for my brother. Great side income, and I'll be staying at a cottage within 5 minutes of the job. My roommate for the time will be a Christian brother that I know well.

So once the day is done, I have ZERO doubt that we will be doing informal bible studies at the cottage, and regular bible readings in the morning. He goes to the church I did 22 yrs ago, and is still very good friends with myself and my parents.

He doesn't need to know about my addiction. Just the fact that I'm "bunking" with him will be a great encouragement. So for 2 weeks, I'll be away from my wife (that part sucks, but it's 1.5 hours away from home, no sense driving back and forth daily). So while away from my wife, I'm also away from all communication except my phone.

Otherwise, I need to get back to reading my bible. And getting in the gym on the way to work and getting an alarm clock for my room so my phone doesn't come with me.

Now, time to get serious about this, and post daily. It's the only way to kick this habit.
 

Rookie

Active Member
Time to take accountability. Not only struggling, but crashing and burning left and right. Wife is competing in her competition again. Down $3500 within a few months. Worked for extra income all summer (3 jobs) to pay for it. Her hormones are so bad she doesn't see that I support her this way. Last night she was very upset that I don't support her on social media like the other husbands do. I'm trying to tell her I'm not online as much as she thinks I am, but either way, her hormones right now, I can do no right.

Frustrated would be an understatement (with tons of things). I'm getting tired of night shift, I want to be home at night. I want to get into calisthenics and work out, I have 0 drive. I made an appointment to see a psychologist (not just for this), and the day of, she had a temper tantrum / meltdown, so my only option, was to take the dogs for a drive and miss my appointment. The next day she asked me when I was seeing help, and I told her "I had an appointment yesterday, but your meltdown, caused me to bring the dogs out of the house so you could have a of peace and quiet". She then replied "I didn't know, if I would have known...", I told her back "you knowing or not knowing doesn't matter, you have your meltdowns regardless of the consequences".

Last night, she was so mad at one of our dogs, she broke the only broom we had.

Now, I'm NOT saying all this for a pity party from the folks on here. I'm simply venting it out. I'm not sure what the solution to all this is, I do know I have to start loving her better (whatever that means at this point, none of my efforts are recognized) and I have to take care of myself better. Workouts, extra income and keep helping around the house like I already am.

I don't know what to do. 3 more weeks, and her competition is done. Prayerfully after this, things will come back to normal.
 

Rookie

Active Member
Well, competition has been over since Oct 29th. Her anxiety is through the roof. My frustrations are just as high. I thought I was doing an ok poker face, but nope. Not anymore. Tonight, we were watching a show, and it had a sex game in it (completely surprised me) and I casually mentioned "it would be fun to have one of those here". She then turned to me and said "you're not attracted to me anymore, what's the point". I then replied "I have been trying to hug you occasionally for weeks / months, only to get turned away almost every time, so I told you, next time you're ready for a hug, hug me first, I'm tired of getting rejected". Then her typical line when she knows she's wrong "I have to go to bed, I'm working in the morning".
She knows she lost an argument. However, I know my approach may not have been correct. And my confidence in the bedroom is gone. I don't know if I can hold an erection for the duration anymore. PMO is a bad way to test this based on previous experience.
I'm talking to my doctor on the 21st for blood tests. I want to know what my testosterone levels are. I have 0 confidence in anything. No motivation, drive, tired often, gut is not going anywhere. And when it comes to libido, it's less and less.

I'm also suspecting my wife wants intimacy more and more, but won't make the first move for whatever reason. Time for me to get out of my pouting phase and start making the first move again. Most of the time, it will be in vain, however, if I can show her love instead of pouting, we may both win.

I'm also very interested in seeing a therapist of sorts. Not sure if a psychologist or a counsellor would be best. I'm not even sure where to start. Tons of frustrations on my end, however, am I just being a sook, or am I justified in how I feel? I know we all have feelings and emotions, and to us, they are valid. But in the big picture of things, are they truly valid, or am I just a boy not getting his way, and pouting about it.

We haven't been intimate since Oct 3 (essentially our anniversary).

On the up side, starting Monday night after work, I have a co-worker forcing me to go to the gym with him. Sure, we finish at midnight. But I know I have no motivation to go during the day. I have too much to do. So a quick, heavy workout at night for 30 - 45 minutes. That might get the blood flowing, muscle to come back, and if my doc prescribes TRT, win, win and win. Cause right now, she's so depressed, it's all about her bikini competitions for motivation, and I'm pouting cause I'm not getting any affection or attention.

Time to try and focus on myself, and possibly, things will turn around.
 

SimonM

Active Member
Hey - I may be off base. But just a couple of thoughts...

Why does your wife feel rejected and you think she wants sex, and at the same time you are frustrated by her lack of interest? Maybe it lies in her response... she doesn't feel you want her anymore... and why then, does she turn you away when you do try? To me it all points to her not feeling attractive in your eyes, or maybe not valued.

Maybe the place to start is not to try to initiate more intimacy that she might reject and hurt your feelings, but to just pay more attention to her. Do little things you know she loves. Make her compliments. Make time to be together. We often neglect that and I find women often can't just "turn on" on a dime when they don't get some attention before. Not sure if that's an issue, but it's never good when they think we only initiate when we hope to get sex...

It's also true - as so many stories here attest to - that when you use P regulary it affects your relationship to your partner. You may not realize that you've become more withdrawn emotionally, more resentful, etc. And the signs can be subtle and she may not know exactly what's bothering her but she feels anyway a shift in energy because your sexual excitement is directed towards fantasies, probably of younger and "hotter" women, novelty etc. rather than her. So many partners have this huge AHA! moment when they discover their partner is a porn user. Suddenly it all makes sense...

Turn your attention away from P AND ALSO towards her and I could bet some good things will come from it :)
 

Rookie

Active Member
Hey - I may be off base. But just a couple of thoughts...

Why does your wife feel rejected and you think she wants sex, and at the same time you are frustrated by her lack of interest? Maybe it lies in her response... she doesn't feel you want her anymore... and why then, does she turn you away when you do try? To me it all points to her not feeling attractive in your eyes, or maybe not valued.

Maybe the place to start is not to try to initiate more intimacy that she might reject and hurt your feelings, but to just pay more attention to her. Do little things you know she loves. Make her compliments. Make time to be together. We often neglect that and I find women often can't just "turn on" on a dime when they don't get some attention before. Not sure if that's an issue, but it's never good when they think we only initiate when we hope to get sex...

It's also true - as so many stories here attest to - that when you use P regulary it affects your relationship to your partner. You may not realize that you've become more withdrawn emotionally, more resentful, etc. And the signs can be subtle and she may not know exactly what's bothering her but she feels anyway a shift in energy because your sexual excitement is directed towards fantasies, probably of younger and "hotter" women, novelty etc. rather than her. So many partners have this huge AHA! moment when they discover their partner is a porn user. Suddenly it all makes sense...

Turn your attention away from P AND ALSO towards her and I could bet some good things will come from
A bit of a background. I'm 100% on the same page you are. I have absolutely 0 doubt I'm part of the issue. I'm not shying away from it. She used to be anorexic and bulimic when she was a teen. She kind of grew out of it (I only found out about these issues after we were married.

There was a failed adoption in 2014, then there were 3 suicide attempts (2 in 2016 then again 2018). Then follow up with Covid crap. 2020, she discovers working out from home, Pilates and such. She enjoyed it. She wasn't fat to begin with, just a slight tummy from her depression meds. Then she joins a gym. Perfect, she got goals.
Then summer 2021, she tells me she wants to do a bikini competition. We discuss the cost that we know about, and finished with about $3500 in expenses (about $2000 more than I budgeted for). I thought that was over, she got a bronze, and she has the bikini body she's always wanted.

Sex before the competition was either weekly, or every second week. I was also doing fantastic with my quitting this crap. Then after the competition, her hormones were out of whack. Went 2.5 months of a dry spell. I thought, I have gone months without self relief, I can handle this. Well, turns out, I was starting to crash, her hormones weren't coming back to normal.

Then she tells me in June this year, she wants to compete again in October. I thought to myself, ok, she's going to compete no matter what I say. So I think, she already knows what she's doing, already has a bikini...nope, this time, she gets extensions, color, new bikini...total cost, $5770.

Now, she's not only loving the bikini bod, she's hooked and is already planning on competing again. I'm hoping she at least holds off till 2024, there are tons of expenses I have to pay by Dec 15th outside our normal living stuff.

To boot, she's posting herself on IG and FB all the time, and the compliments she's getting from men is hard to compete with. In fact, I won't compete with online compliments. I know they aren't real. They just love her body, and they full on admit it.

On my end, she has high anxiety due to being home 22 hrs a day (she goes out to the gym).

I know I'm dumping lots of personal info here, but while I'm super proud of her for getting a gold medal in her most recent competition, it's become an obsession. Between her workouts and her phone, nothing else matters.

I know I need to see someone on how to deal with this. I know I'm going about it all wrong. But my emotions are getting clouded by seeing her on her phone nearly 24/7, comparing herself to other bikini models and thinking she needs to improve. Put it this way, there's a reverse diet they are suppose to follow after a competition to return to normal weight. She's not, she's obsessed with the body she now has.

Sorry for the long post, just wanted to give a bit of background. I know I need to be more supportive, and I'm trying. But when every time she goes in a store, it's $100 that I can't justify due to bills, and all I get at home are mood swings and tantrums, it's getting difficult.

I'm working on a couple of things within the next couple of weeks. Hopefully things will be improving.
 

SimonM

Active Member
Wow. Yeah, there's a lot to figure out here!

It seems like she has some addictive issues too then. I think social media, and seeking validation there is a huge issue these days. She's obviously also taken it into the real world with a need to compete in these competitions. This goes far beyond just shortfalls in your relationship...

Again - I could be off base - but the way you're describing it it sounds like she has big time insecurity issues herself. That is what is reflected probably in her view of you not being into her - she needs to be fawned over to feel appreciated - not something you can keep up like the guys on the internet that can compliment her on each picture. I mean you can compliment her but as a partner you're propbably not constantly able say "WOW, honey you look so hot today. I love those pants on you!" etc. I couldn't... but I know I could do it more than I do - and maybe you too?

But ultimately... I think she needs to work too on how not to need that validation so much? Maybe having another purpose in life? Something to care about other than her body?

Sorry if I'm off base...

It could be valuable to consider couples (or individual) councelling to address these issues...
 

SBG

New Member
I know the book Boundaries (by Cloud and Townsend) is not always well-received in the Reformed world but check it out if you get a chance. Also, can you get back going with the men’s group from church? Peace brother.
 
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