New Start

[Rookie]

Day 31...barely any temptation today. So far, not bad. Woke up today, hoping to hang out with my wife (sex or not, didn't care). But getting beyond frustrated, she's on her phone, nearly 24 hrs a day. I want to tell her to come up for air occasionally, however, with her being bipolar, I'm not looking forward to the meltdown. She's already told me she's pre-menopausal, and has a lot of stress at work. And I'm fully in support of helping her out with everything going on with her right now...but I feel completely neglected on my end.

All that being said, I'm going to tough it for now. And since this is part of my reboot, it's going to give me an extra boost and bite in my fight. And hitting 31 days, I never thought I would hit this streak. I'm not interested in falling again.

Still no interest in watching movies with cleavage, playing online games with seductive women (cartoon women are absolutely gorgeous, and that will be a fall). So not even turning on Netflix...or streaming movies...if I'm going to win this fight...it's the same as losing weight...don't even turn into McDonald's parking lot...

Besides all this, reading my bible still every day, praying everyday and thanking God for the grace he has given me to fight this.

 

[Rookie]

This is day 32...since I work nights, my wife usually wakes up before I do...which, she did again today. Got up, showered, cleaned the kitchen and then sat with her on the couch to give her a bit of a back rub...to my surprise and pleasure, her phone was on the table...I know she's been under a bit of stress at work, so I'm not pushing for anything more. Just the fact that her phone isn't in her hand, that's enough for me today (previously, giving her a back massage, and not getting anything in return would have pushed me to PMO later today, she works at 1, and I go in for 4pm...so there's a couple of hours of free time)

So we actually had a discussion. She's beyond stressed. Most of her team is trying to go on stress leave, and she's making mistakes in the process of starting the claims. (She works for a contact center as a team manager). So she admitted, the reason for no sex, was 30 days of worrying if she's going to get laid off. And the first thing I'll say, we need both incomes to keep afloat here. Many things will tank if we don't both work (like most families I guess). So I'm now thinking, which payments do I stop and which continue. Without a doubt, the car and house continue. CC's and truck...if you don't want to work with me, come and get them...That will be nearly $1000 of relief.

So all in all, her finally opening up to what is going on in her head...and an easy conversation, no screaming, no venting, just simply saying "my boss told me my job is to process claims, and to do it right"...wasn't what I wanted to hear (when you make too many mistakes at work, they let you go). But hopefully when this stupid thing is over, life will be back to normal.

I'm just hoping Trudeau doesn't hold his own country hostage, so that we can become an authoritarian country under his leadership. He seems to be idolizing China a bit too much for my liking. If that's the case, most will lose their properties, and become slaves to the state...Cuba, China, Venezuela...

So yea. 32 days...and so far, absolutely no sign of temptation for normal P...however, as mentioned before, that online game, I keep wanting to check for updates.

 

[Rookie]

Ok, so I have a question. I have to admit, reading other people's posts/threads/blogs on this site is encouraging. However, I have read some that say no P for XXdays but MO'd once this month.

Is that part of a reboot? I thought everything had to be cut off, or is it just the visual part that's damaging. Maybe I didn't understand properly when I was reading the book YBOP and other sources.

I personally cut everything off and have had no exposure/experience/sessions of PMO at all in 32 days.

 

[Rookie]

Day 33...currently at work, and I have to admit, temptation is starting now. I have had an easy coast till now with barely any temptation to even look at still images let alone digital video.

This virus thing is not helping, as my wife's anxiety is so high right now, she can't even endure herself. So spending time with her...unfortunately not happening.

One thing that drives me nuts, why all the stupid bikini ads on FB...why all the ads in the first place. I'm so tired, of just wanting to see what my friends are up to, and then bam, a gorgeous babe...not helping.

Might have to lose social media. I finally have over a month of absolutely no PMO...however, some provocative images come through on FB occasionally, I'm not looking at ending this streak that easily.

Still wondering about the folks that haven't cut out MO, but only P...is that part of the reboot? I completely stopped everything, and only had sex once this month with my bride...tough? Yep...giving up? Heck no.

 

[Rookie]

Day 34...while I was home, wife was getting ready to go to work. She left at about 11:30 am (1 pm shift). And I was only working at 4 pm...temptation was too great at around 12:30 pm...so I prepared my lunch, put 2 dogs in their kennel, and left the house. Only went on the PC to transfer a few dollars to her account for lunch, and walked away. Not sure I would have caved, but I didn't have a great feeling about staying home, and that it might happen.

So, went in town, got some headache pills (headache was about 10% of a migraine...but only getting worse). Got me a nice pen at Staples...then went to my parents for a chat and nap..

Finally get to work, and safe for another 8 hrs...mind you not much sleep last night, so tonight, will be too tired to think of anything to make me crash.

Tomorrow will be another test.

 

[Rookie]

Day 35, today was rough. Wayyyy too much temptation. Till about 11 am, everything I was doing, I was going around almost half mast...not comfortable at all. If my streak was below a week, I would have crashed today. Wife still not feeling great emotionally / hormonally. This could be a long haul, compared to the routine I was used to before 2020...or possibly, it's I didn't care if we were intimate or not, cause I always had an outlet.

Now I'm working hard on even reducing looking at women, my mind races...

While I'm not looking at porn (video or still images) I also have to stop looking up people on FB...then it's the rabbit trail of looking at their pictures...

In summary, today was tough. No doubt the toughest day yet. Tomorrow, wife and I both have the day off. She wants to go to the beach, I hate the beach. I suppose I would love it if it wasn't for the salt water, jelly fish, sand, wind, open sun, sand in the toes and salt water crotch rashes...oh, and too cold right now, but nearly naked women, in this reboot, not a wise thing. But since she doesn't know about my addiction, and reboot...I can't say no.

Hopefully, she'll just want to go to my parents camp for a few hours.

 

[Rookie]

Day 37...didn't post anything yesterday. Too much going on. Between groceries, coming home, cleaning the house, checking what bills to be paid. Nap... (love Saturdays off), then my wife wanted to go for a drive about 60 km away...I thought, hmm, could be interesting, she doesn't want to bring the dogs. So it would just be us. Great drive, walked on the "sort of beach" in the area. She took pictures of our footprints...then looped back around the long way. Saw a beautiful sunset.

Nothing intimate happened. However, she did hold on my arm more than usual while walking. The way she's been feeling lately, I'll take it!!

When we got home last evening, from our drive out (end of day 26) I have to admit, there was an episode of blue balls happening (mild one, compared to 2 weeks ago) but the bonus, I didn't cave. Tempted on searching out partly nude women, but knowing that it won't stop there, I only saw a few FB profiles that were quite revealing. Long story short, no further attempt.

Finally today, her period started...sort of. She's been saying it's coming for 2 weeks, which might explain her tension and mood. Married for all these years to the same woman, and I have yet to understand any consistency or coherence. We did a full clean of the house, then she wanted to go in town to get a few things (women things), so I couldn't argue.

Got home, and read my bible, total 16 chapters as of this post (4:34 pm) and I might get a few more in.

Starting tomorrow, might go towards work a bit early, and stack some wood my dad has split, faster drying for their firewood, something to do for me, while listening to gospel hymns in my head phones...and, a relatively easy way to start getting back in shape.

I think, unless I wish to post something else, I have another day in the books. Just really praying my wife either fully transitions to full menopause soon, or that she stops using her period as an excuse to lose her temper. Starting to get tiring.

 

[Rookie]

Day 38...had my coffee, read my bible...had to go out and get my wife's coffee, never got a chance to get it yesterday (I always bring one home everyday so she has it the next day).

Ate my 6 egg/ham/asparagus/mushroom/onion omelette...now, getting ready to go to work to get some used empty pallets so I can stack dad's wood...he has about 6 - 10 cords split, drying off. I need the exercise, and this will be a great way to get away from any digital temptation, plus. Mom always has some sort of meal I can eat before going to work.

Temptation to surf P, a bit this morning, but my wife being home, not a fan of being surprised, so that killed it. Now I'm home alone for about 1 hr...too many things to take care of. I'm suspecting today will be a success,

However I might have a chance to post again later today. Either way, 40 days is within reach. I NEVER thought I would reach a milestone like this. Not interested in falling from here, the cliff is getting higher and higher...

I have to admit, all the credit goes to Christ...

 

[Rookie]

Day 39, typical start, reading, and relaxing. Wife is beyond stressed from work, and every time I come around her, she avoids me like I have leprosy or something. I can't blame her, with the lack of intimacy, when she does hug me, I think there's more coming...and she's obviously not in a mood to carry it out.

After she left for work, this was the hardest day yet...by far! If I follow through, with the PMO, the shame, guilt and starting this streak all over again, it's going to be very discouraging.

In summary, today, was a very, very tough day. I can't wait for better weather so I can go stack wood at dad's place instead of wallowing in my thoughts.

Imagination on what I watched before this reboot are coming with a vengeance. The lack of intimacy at home are definitely not helping. And the mood my wife is in lately, with wanting nothing to do with anything (hormones + work stress = negative libido).

I picked up some supplements for her today, to help with her adrenal glands...hopefully that will help, not necessarily calm her down, but help her deal with the stress and everything a bit better. For now, I have to deal with my own issues separately and not involve her, or blame her for them.

If this was pre 1990 (when I grew up), it would simply have been "hon, I'm going out with the boys, badminton, billiards, gym, baseball whatever"...but now, we have the internet and everything is so easy and at our disposal...must find other projects OUTSIDE the house.

I'm scheduling an appointment with a Christian counselor for advice. How to deal with this addiction, how to deal with a hormonal wife and with the lack of support I have home. I deal with all the finances, groceries, vehicle maintenance, weekly garbage, laundry, clean the house and even cook my own meals. I know I'm forgetting things. But I do all of this, and when she doesn't get her way, I'm still the bad guy.

Just lots going on, that would usually be a trigger, I am admitting, I really need encouragement from somewhere. I have none at home, finances are tight (blames me for controlling the money, but if I didn't, we would have filed bankruptcy many times). Need some encouragement from somewhere, hopefully the counselor will have some positive advice.

 

[Rookie]

Anyone else reading this or am I self-reading, lol?

 

[J01]

A lot of people come and go in this forum, especially, it sometimes appears, in our age group. For this reason I find your example of commitment and perseverance to be a great encouragement, as I'm sure as do others as well.  Check out the great promise of hope at Lamentations 3:22-23; it is a good daily reminder.  Keep going!   

 

[joepanic]

Hey Rookie

  Yup  I read yours everyday    I havent posted in a few days really  due to being quite busy  and really learning about a few other life improvements    Glad to see your holding strong.  I'm now at the point where p doesnt even really enter my mind unless I come here.  So I am becoming a little sporadic in popping by  But I guess thats a good thing for me anyway

  cheers

    Post often it helps me it helps you

 

[Rookie]

Day 40...rough afternoon of some temptation. But had a great session with a Christian counselor. Brought up the P addiction (since she's bound by the confidentiality act) and she agreed that many men struggle with this, whether they are open to admit it or not. She recommended discussing it with other Christian brothers that know the struggle so as to keep ourselves accountable, as well as keep posting on this "blog".

My wife told me today, that she had an absolute emotional breakdown at work (she's a team manager, and reports to a general manager). She has about 15 people that report to her, and there are about 60 TM's...all reporting to about 6 GM's...(contact center life). Anyway, she showed me a picture on her phone of what her monitor screen looks like all night, and there were about 8 Skype messages all at the same time...and she's not sure the correct answer, plus she's supposed to keep up with 6 GM chats besides all that. All the while taking calls from her staff about other things. The stress level is high. But the conversation was ok.

Then just before she left for work, and I left for a plasma donation, she got a call from another TM that she gets along with (I like that TM as well, we have all been out a couple of times, she's very supportive). My wife confessed that she's afraid of losing her job, to which the co-worker said no one is losing their job, times are hectic and everyone is feeling the stress and no one can keep up. The GM's are just keeping the straight face.

That gave us a bit of assurance, since that TM has been there from the start, and knows my wife's strengths.

Now over to me, session with the counselor, great conversation. Talked about the crap going on around the world, and the anxiety it gave me (found a bunch of crap about human trafficking and images I will no doubt never erase from memory...I will NOT mention what the video was here, if you want to find it, do your own search, I will just mention that there's much, much more going to happen than the world realizes. And it's coordinated between the navy seals, FBI, CIA and authorities from around the globe).

At the end of the session, she said that the solutions for all this are the same ones I've already implemented, limit my internet usage.

Get to work, and it's the same typical thing. Trucks to fix, parts to get, and RO's to write and modify. The only thing I'm hoping, is when my finances can straighten out, I'm really hoping to get a day shift position here. I've been on evenings since May last year, and I thought as soon as someone else was trained (there's been 2 so far) I was going to go on days...nope, didn't happen.

Tomorrow, stacking wood at mom and dad's...really need to decompress and spend time alone. In the woods...

All this to say, day 40, a success. Now just hoping my wife's monthly friend can leave, Friday she's working from home, and hopefully less stress.

 

[Rookie]

Day 41...well, temptations are getting ridiculous now. I knew it would hit eventually. Didn't know when. But right now, it's like they are hitting with a vengeance. Not much to report aside leaving the house as soon as my wife leaves for work, in about 30 minutes. I'm NOT taking a chance and staying home. I was planning on doing a workout downstairs...however, I doubt very, very much that I will MO, but I have no doubt that I will linger for either soft P, or images, or possible GIF's of hardcore P...not chancing it. I have wood to stack at my parents, or possibly use this "bubble" family thing and see my in-laws. Nothing will drop sexual urges like visiting your mother in law...lol

I get along fantastic with them, but the topics my father in law start on...are usually political, Christian, or anything very, very far removed from sex. How awkward would it be, "hey son in law...when was the last time you were intimate with my daughter...", yeah, no, not going to happen. "Hey father in law, my mother in law looks deprived, you giving her any attention"?

Disclaimer - the above mention, is purely for entertainment purposes on how out of place all companies involved would feel should such a topic surface...lol

 

[mr.slurps]

Hi Rookie,  Brief background: age 60, addict since Playboy, other problems, 2 failed marriages, day 56 no o but edged yesterday, somewhat religious...)
Obviously I'm not the guy to talk re marriage/relationships so I'll leave that to others.
Re religion, whatever name you're using for god, prayer (more like begging) is what I turned to on a hike when I felt I'd hit rock bottom.  On some level I feel like I've been "answered" b/c I found this reboot/fap stuff and things have taken a turn for the better.
A big goal is having an intimate relationship. My addiction has definitely contributed to my failures. It's made me ashamed and hard to live with.  As someone on here has pointed out to me, I also have good points that I don't account for.(UK)
It seems as far as your journey, we've little in common except the mind boggling frustration of relapses.
Suffice it to say I'm pulling for you.

 

[mr.slurps]

Hey Rookie,  I read one of your posts talking re stacking 10 cords of firewood. That and shoveling horse manure are for me the best therapy going- and free.
Man the way you described the beach it sounds like Dante's Inferno. I'd stay away too if I felt that way.  (For me it's paradisio.) So I do feel equipped to give you some advice outside the boundaries of marriage.
If you use your imagination you will find many pleasurable activities at the beach.

 

[Rookie]

I have not been a fan of beaches since I was a kid. I'm 198 cm tall, or 6'4" (metric or imperial). And I love to swim...so usually I end up half way to the closest island before I find water deep enough, then there's the stupid sand bars...getting deep, getting deep, then the ocean screams "just kidding, here's a sand bar"....then deeper again...another stupid sand bar. Then you turn around to see where your friends are on the sand...yep, 1/4 mile away...1/2 mile away...nah. Pool...one step, over your head and swim...lol

As far a shoveling manure...yep, as non glorious as it is...it is very relaxing. Dad had a couple of horses years ago. Didn't mind cleaning them up one bit. They were great listeners, their timing for laughing was impeccable whenever you had a stupid joke or story...just had to push them around a bit to really clean around and under them.

The weather is getting much better here, so stacking wood, for 30 - 60 minutes a day. Since I do it before going to work, not interested in doing it for 8 hrs at a time. But an hour a day...before I know it, it's done. And my parents don't know about it yet. It's a distance in the back of their land. So I just have to sneak by the house and shop without being noticed...

As far as relapses...so far so good. And yes, I'm a Christian. If you know your different branches, I'm Baptist, Calvinist, Covenant Theology and even deeper, I lean in the Supralapsarianism side of things. Don't get me confused with Hyper Calvinism...that's a sad beast all together alone. I do not associate with that.

True "Calvinists" are always begging God, and see what we are before him, and pretty much cry at the thought of the cross and what it accomplished.

 

[mr.slurps]

Hi Rookie,  Good job so far on not slipping today. I worked so had no chance. As far as religion, I have no clue what any of those you mentioned believe, (I'm Jewish.)  For us Jesus was a prophet but not in the realm of god.  Prayer is good for my soul whatever that is.
Anyhow, I used to cut my own firewood on my own property and burn it in my wood stove all winter as my sole source of heat. It was just a challenge I made for myself. In retrospect it was much easier than giving up porn. It may be a daily struggle for a long long time for me.

 

[Rookie]

What I find sad, and amazing at the same time is the age groups that are affected. Before I found these resources, YBOP and here, I thought the 40+ group was small and that I was one of the only ones affected. Then I get here and there are many that are in their 50's and 60's. Even some in their 70's....unbelievable how this affects so many people.

And as far as my faith goes...yeah, to people that have never opened a bible, or studied much in the realm of deep theology, those can be big terms. The most common in North America, is Arminian (in contrast to Calvinism) and Dispensationalism (in contrast to Covenant Theology). I'm in the smaller camp...but if we go 100 years ago and before....most were in my camp. Then easy believism began, and we have what we have now...

 

[mr.slurps]

Hey Pal,  You've seen guys my age and older!?  I thought I was one of the very few affected by porn at my age. That is both comforting and an eye-opener as to how deep this trash can get in your head.  For me it's very deep.  Maybe our age is more immune to the kinky stuff b/c we find it weird or grotesque. (I know that is judgmental.) Also, I bet we don't have the issue of getting it up.
So I have some consolations.
As far as your religion, I don't mind learning something new. But, I hope it wont hurt your feelings--I don't care. You remind me of an experience I had in a rough neighborhood in Belfast, Ireland during the "troubles".  Some guys jacked me up and demanded to know if I was Catholic or Protestant. I told them I am Jewish. They then demanded to know if I was a Catholic or a Protestant Jew. lol I had to explain to them that I'm neither, and further, we've been around longer, and further you guys copied most of our stuff, and further the name you use for god is wrong, further you are reading the Torah (Bible) in the wrong language... (Just kidding, I didn't go that deep into it. hahaha)
It does seem to me we do have in common that we're pretty physical guys. Right?
For me that's a mixed blessing. Jerking off became a sort of physical escape, especially if the weather was crap or I was injured, or my wife "had her friend" as you put it. At the time I was orthodox so there was a serious hands off policy.