New Start

Rookie

Active Member
Day 66...not only uninstalled Instagram from my phone, I deactivated the account. Search button brings nothing but babes...while I have no temptation in MO...the temptation to go further into P was there. Don't need this in my life, at all.

This past week, beyond busy, had no time to update anything here. Work has been interesting. The nepotism at work is making itself more apparent than ever before. I have been there for almost 1.5 yrs and was told in my interview, "when you get trained enough in parts, you're going nights on the front counter"...which I have done for a year on the 26th of May...which I don't specifically mind. However, I was told that when the next guy is trained, he's taking my place and I'm back on days.

Well, low and behold, the next guy has been on days for a year, staying there, and the next guy behind him, is going on nights. Yes I transitioned to service, so effectively, I'm "stuck" on evenings/nights" for a while. However, it should have been the guy that came in after me that inherits the next night shift.

Apparently he had the meeting with the "boss" and was told "you're going on nights in a couple of weeks" to which the new guy responded "no, I had other plans"... and seems he's winning. Am I pissed? No,  I don't often get that way, am I thinking "it was that easy to say no??". Frig, what the heck am I doing on nights then....

I have also heard, that he didn't make friends with the boss with this decision. While I'm NOT hoping he looses his job, I would like to see the same treatment for everyone. EVERYONE that works in the parts department in that building, and the mechanics as well, have ALL worked their share of nights, some years, some months, depending on the turnover. This guy breaks that requirement? Probably not going to make many friends.

Anyway, not a trigger for me to PMO...just a frustration that I can actually post here, since hey, it's my journal ain't it? lol

Updates on the battle...sexual relief is rare...seems only the weekends, if at all. Wife is going through a huge battle with her anxiety. Taking her prescription pills like they are candy. I'm trying to find another natural supplement to help her out.

Mowed the lawn yesterday, went to the camp with the dogs and a good brother/friend till midnight to give the wife a noise break. She mentioned today that she really, really, really appreciated it. Today, might be a drive out to see a waterfall this afternoon.

Next, getting the chainsaw I inherited from my father in law to trim trees around the perimeter of my yard. Branches hurt when they lean in your yard about 5 feet...and you're on a ride on mower...

Either way, no more Insta, Twit, Tumblr...this battle is going to be that much more empowering in my side.
 

ShadeTrenicin

Well-Known Member
Hey Rookie,


Nepotism is something that makes my blood boil and people who practice it have no regard for the wellbeing of the people they are tasked to take care off.
Good luck on dealing with this at work man, it cant be easy also dealing with that.

Removing Insta = best decision ever. Social media is something that actually desocializes mankind in ways we did not foresee. It creates the biggest feeling of FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out) and creates a facade of peoples life. Everything about these things are fake and give people a wrong idea of what life is really like. But, that is my very strong opinion, im just glad that you've rid yourself of it.

Your wife having anxiety must also be difficult for you. Is she also seeing a therapist for this? Because i can imagine that popping those pills like candy can ultimately lead to a severe dependence on them. And that must not be the goal of these medications.

A tip for a natural supplement; Damiana herb (Turnera diffusa) the herb is mostly used to stimulate libido.
But from own experience i can safely say that it's not an aphrodisiac but a  very very mild anti depressant and anti anxiety herb.
The reason its prescribed as a aphrodisiac is that the herb very subtly creates a feeling of just being content.. You do not think about the past or future. There is only the present and the present is just ok. And if you are without worries you open up and therefore it's easier to get in the mood.

Anyway, it's an amazing herb and if you drink a small cup of it you will feel better for hours.

A couple of things to be weary of:

1. It is what they call an MAOI inhibitor, the same as anti depressants so anti depressants / anti anxiety medication cannot be used while also taking damiana.
2. Its disgusting as hell hahaha
3. You can buy it as powder or cut leaves. The cut leaves gives the least disgusting taste.

I hope this will help you out!
 

Rookie

Active Member
Thanks for the tips, however, my wife refuses to get off the SSRI's...every time I mention something natural...she calls it hocus pocus...lol. She also refuses to see some psychological help. The last time she did, it turned into a "bash my husband cause he's so controlling" session. Sure, I control the finances, groceries, fuel up the vehicles, pay the bills, do the dishes, laundry, clean the kitchen, sweep, and mop the floors... but because she is not permitted to do groceries, I'm controlling.

She gets an allowance per week...and she rarely, rarely sticks to it. She usually doubles it, for spending, then all of a sudden an emergency happens and it's still me that pays out of our budget.

I have to admit, I don't support divorce (personal and Christian conviction, probably lots of pride in there as well). But when ever I did put my foot down about something, her threat is always "well fine, I'll get my own apartment"...and I know financially, it would devastate us both. Currently, I'm on a plan to get rid of our debt within the next 7 yrs...9 if I include the house, which still has 17 yrs left. However, it's incredibly challenging when I have a narcissistic wife (at least that's  my view and I could be completely wrong).

I have a few things to take care of, that require money, and she's always needing money for stuff, and if I say no, it's a teen meltdown. And it's not fair to talk to a counselor without her, cause there's only one side to the story, but, she refused to go...not sure what to do.

I will say, my steering wheel gets beat up a lot, and I have Christ on speed dial very often.

All this to say, sexual frustrations remain frustrations (she's blaming her hormones) and overall frustrations remain. All i can appreciate right now, is not walking around half mast like I was in the first 2 weeks. That was painful.

I have thought of slipping some aphrodisiacs in her drinks before, if nothing else, she would calm down. However, one that I found (Spanish Fly) only works in alcohol based on reviews, so to me, it's only a placebo effect. Alcohol works on most women any way. And it didn't work in water, tea or coffee, which my wife only drinks coffee for the most part.

Fun being married to a hormonal woman....
 

ShadeTrenicin

Well-Known Member
Hey Rookie,

That is a very tough situation you are in. SSRI's are overall moodkillers indeed. And while I can understand why she will not give up the SSRI's (is she diagnosed with depression?) not willing to see a councelor is also not fair to you i guess?

From my point of view, medicine like SSRI's should be temorary and combined with therapy to work towards a healthy mental life without the need for SSRI's. I can of course say nothing concrete about this because I don't know what your wife suffers from and i'm not qualified to do so. (I only get small pieces of information from my wife who is a psychologist).

Her threat of "Well fine, i'll get my own appartment" can be used as an emotional guilttrip towards you. But what is the reason she resorts to such extreme words? From this end all i have are assumptions. But, what kind of emotional trauma is there behind not willing to change, hiding behind the SSRI's and emotionally blackmailing you in order to keeping this way if life intact?

All things considered you are married to eachother and have promised to love and help eachother in sickness and in healt. From what you tell us, you take a great deal of care of your wife which is amazing. But it should not be onesided. There has to be room for your emotions as well. Im leaving the sex out of this for now since that is something different and in my opinion cannot be demanded.

You stopped PMO ing because it had a bad influence on your life/marriage/sex life i assume. You showed willingness to change and you are committed to helping your wife, by doing all sorts of things. So you can ask the same of your wife, provided that she is in a well enough mental state to do so.

All in all i think that not wanting to see a counselor is unfair towards you. And some food for thought for you both about counseling;  the in the beginning counseling sessions can be brutal. There might be screaming, rants, guilt trips.. But once those feelings haven been spoken, you can start by finding common ground again..

Anyway, i hope you and the wife will figure this out together man!


PS. Please never ever slip something in her drink since that is non consensual and is very much illegal
 

Rookie

Active Member
ShadeTrenicin said:
Hey Rookie,

That is a very tough situation you are in. SSRI's are overall moodkillers indeed. And while I can understand why she will not give up the SSRI's (is she diagnosed with depression?) not willing to see a councelor is also not fair to you i guess?

From my point of view, medicine like SSRI's should be temorary and combined with therapy to work towards a healthy mental life without the need for SSRI's. I can of course say nothing concrete about this because I don't know what your wife suffers from and i'm not qualified to do so. (I only get small pieces of information from my wife who is a psychologist).

Her threat of "Well fine, i'll get my own appartment" can be used as an emotional guilttrip towards you. But what is the reason she resorts to such extreme words? From this end all i have are assumptions. But, what kind of emotional trauma is there behind not willing to change, hiding behind the SSRI's and emotionally blackmailing you in order to keeping this way if life intact?

All things considered you are married to eachother and have promised to love and help eachother in sickness and in healt. From what you tell us, you take a great deal of care of your wife which is amazing. But it should not be onesided. There has to be room for your emotions as well. Im leaving the sex out of this for now since that is something different and in my opinion cannot be demanded.

You stopped PMO ing because it had a bad influence on your life/marriage/sex life i assume. You showed willingness to change and you are committed to helping your wife, by doing all sorts of things. So you can ask the same of your wife, provided that she is in a well enough mental state to do so.

All in all i think that not wanting to see a counselor is unfair towards you. And some food for thought for you both about counseling;  the in the beginning counseling sessions can be brutal. There might be screaming, rants, guilt trips.. But once those feelings haven been spoken, you can start by finding common ground again..

Anyway, i hope you and the wife will figure this out together man!


PS. Please never ever slip something in her drink since that is non consensual and is very much illegal

I am seeing a counselor occasionally (through Zoom for now) for mostly vent sessions. The counselor is also a Christian woman. Quite knowledgeable as well. And as far as slipping something in her drinks...while I was tempted, not only did I think of the legal aspect, I also reflected on the incredibly evil selfish motives behind it. Maybe it was just she would mellow out (she's not always screaming, but she is always on her phone when she's not working). Sometimes, it would be nice for her to come up for air.

 

ShadeTrenicin

Well-Known Member
Hey man, I completely understand the motives behind it. I can only assume that you feel powerless and have a real deep need for her to make contact with you and that you sometimes just get desperate.

It's good that you have someone to vent to. I hope you will find a way to make it work with the wife, i really do!
 

Rookie

Active Member
Day 69...my wife nearly had a mental breakdown yesterday...all due to working from home and the pressures in her job. I'm finally starting to get it and understand. Not that she never had my support, but she's going to get even more.

Hoping we can get her prescriptions either enhances, or increased for anxiety. Hopefully this will help her deal with that is going on.

 

ShadeTrenicin

Well-Known Member
Hey Rookie,


Sounds like a tough situation. i do have to say I was surprised to hear she was working. Based on what you told earlier about you taking care of a lot of things, i thought that she wasn't able to work.

Is working the best thing for here right now, or is it a necesity due to financial reasons?
Because it sounds pretty messed up to need an increase in anxiety medication just to do your job.


Anyway, glad to read you're going to support her even more!


How are you yourself doign with the addiction???

 

Rookie

Active Member
Day 71, finally, after almost 3 weeks, wife was in the mood, finally got some much needed relief. And yes, she is working (she actually makes more money than I do). She works for one of the big banks in Canada, as a team manager for one of the contact centers. While her job is incredibly stressful at times, she appreciates it, cause it's also away from home. With her history of depression and suicide attempts, she says being at work occupies her mind so she doesn't go in a downward spiral again.

But, it's so mentally draining, she doesn't have the energy to do much else.

Temptation to look at P is still somewhat strong, though finally getting less and less. Temptation to MO is nearly gone. Even in the shower and such...Pedro has no reaction. Now I'm looking forward to some morning wood, which hasn't happened yet. However, just thinking about my wife, gets Pedro excited, no matter where I am. So I have to control my thoughts about my wife in her birthday suit now.
 

ShadeTrenicin

Well-Known Member
Hey Rookie,


Given your situation i can only commend you for taking all that on and also battling your own addiction. Life is not easy for you.
Therefore i am more than happy to read that you are slowly moving away from P and returning to the wonderful joy of being able to get those feelings from your own wife.


Good luck man, as always rooting for you
 

Rookie

Active Member
Midnight of day 73...had a great day today, worked my half shift Saturday (never say no to time and a half, especially on an easy shift). Got home after getting a few groceries...wife wanted to go to the beach. So we went...water is way too cold yet in our area, so we just sat in the sand. I did nothing but sit and relax, and she was working out and taking instagram pics...apparently that's a thing, lol.

****Trigger alert****

Since she doesn't know about my addiction, or my reboot...I have to be careful on things I say. On our way home, I was rubbing her leg...and Pedro was getting excited. I have to admit, I love the feeling of getting excited again just with the thought of her again. That hasn't happened in a while. So, I basically told her "can't wait to get home"...and a few more hints. She didn't turn down the hints.

While this reboot sucks in a sense (not giving in to each temptation of P)...it's very gratifying that she is noticing a huge difference when we are intimate. She's actually, enjoying it, a lot. Who knew a guy in his forties could satisfy his wife again, like when we were first married.

All this to say, I don't have time to post every day...with all the responsibilities I have now, and our dishwasher doesn't work properly, I have to wash the dishes by hand. That's another 30 minutes out of my day I really didn't have to begin with.

You know, being financially well off, would be fantastic...no worries about bills, work, repairs, budgets (millionaires always have budgets, they are just much bigger than mine). Otherwise, this is all stress I'm really not a fan of.

However, thanks for the support to all the readers, and the folks that reply. It means a ton!! I remember someone saying once, a bad day or a bad week, doesn't mean a bad life, it means a bad day, or a bad week. We addicts can apply this to when we fall as well. It's not a bad life, it's just a bad day, pick up, and start up again.
 

ShadeTrenicin

Well-Known Member
Hey Rookie,

Love the quote in the last section. I'm also going to use it :)

About the posting, just let us know every once in a while if you're good! We are all rooting for you man. For now you focus on yourself, your wife and the situation at home. We will always be here for you!

Hope to hear soon from you! good luck for now
 

Rookie

Active Member
Day 81...I NEVER thought I would get to here. I haven't posted all week, busy working construction during the day with dad, other days I have other commitments and I had to cancel 2 chiropractor appointments due to how busy I was between dad, house chores, groceries and more.

Wife said on Tuesday, she would give me relief the next day if I could upload a video to Youtube for her. Well sir, I fought with the formatting for nearly 2 hrs at work between clients and finally got it working. Sent her a text, and when I asked when my relief could come, she sent me an eye roll text. I don't care that she doesn't submit to my every want sexually, I would appreciate it more if she didn't make a promise or an offer if she doesn't plan on holding her end of the bargain. So needless to say, I had resentment in my heart towards her for a few days. Kept thinking, it's not her fault I have an addiction, and even when I am in the mood, PMO aren't going to solve it. In fact, with this kind of streak, the last thing I want is to start over (not saying it won't or can't happen, saying I'm fighting twice as hard some days).

So today, she finally approached me for sex. As usual, since the reboot started, it was awesome. Then I also promised to make tacos for supper during my morning trip to town.

So this evening, when we were done in the bedroom, I told her, I'm probably just going to make beans and wieners, she replied "but you said you would make tacos". To which I replied, "Yep, I should keep my promise"...she then said "nice dig"...I winked and told her I love her. Doubt she got the point..but I'll say again, I don't care that she submits to my every urge, but it's a huge feeling of rejection, when you're told you're going to get something from someone, and they back down.

In summary, this weekend was a great one. Hoping for a great week.

Cheers all!!
 

mr.slurps

Active Member
Hiya Rook, Long time no see. You are killing it man! Not me, day #4 now. But I haven't thrown in the towel.
I did want to pick up on your past thread w/ Shade re counseling. It sounds like you're doing well now but you'll most likely have to go back to that issue when you feel lousy.
When I was at a low point I got therapy that was behavioral in nature, goal oriented, and not meant to go on forever. It was good for me and it is better/cheaper than having a therapist just to vent to. It's not mumbo-jumbo feel good touchy feely crap where you endlessly regurgitate mommy/daddy issues from infancy. It involves taking responsibility and working toward a goal.
And in my humble opinion it's better than taking drugs to numb the pain.
It may not be for you but it's worth a 2 hour session of google research.
Keep up the good work brother.
 

Rookie

Active Member
Day 88...still going, but some days, even this far in are very, very tough. However, the weekend sex with my wife have been consistent.

*** Trigger Alert***

When we were done, she looked at me and said something didn't look right, that I seemed very, very uncomfortable. I told her I  was half mast for over an hour, which causes blue balls, and that it hurts... She asked what that was, so I explained it. She seemed very sympathetic. Which, actually resulted in a round 2 within about 30 minutes. Wife was beyond impressed, and surprised.

I have to admit, no morning wood yet, however, when we are intimate, my wife says it's the best it's been in years.

Thank you to the brothers that are all in this to help and encourage one another in getting free from this evil devastating curse / habit.

I still have a long, long way to go. Most days, are manageable. But the days that are tough...boy, that temptation is grabbing on with a strong, strong grip and doesn't want to let go.

Slurps...

Keep going. I have been busy working for my dad during the day on my days off, plasma donations twice a week and every other daily errand. I haven't had a chance to write on your blog. I will say, though you are starting "fresh" again. Don't give up. You did hit 2 weeks at one point. That shows that you are very frustrated and want out.

We are here for you bro.
 

mr.slurps

Active Member
Hiya Rook,  Thanks for your support.  This has been a bear of a time for me.
By the way the stuff you wrote after "Trigger Alert" was for me inspiring- not at all incendiary . I love hearing about people making love.  It is the antithesis of porn.
What is really cool is that your wife notices a positive difference.  That's an unexpected bonus- icing on the cake.
It's cause for gratitude and thanking whatever deity you favor.
 

Rookie

Active Member
Finally hit day 94...been so busy with life, I rarely have time to come post here. Wife decided to enter a competition to be on the front cover of some fitness magazine. In her 40's and while not shredded like some...her yearlong workouts have paid off that she was selected as a contestant. So you might say this has been a huge motivation for me to also find some online calisthenic workout videos...

I don't eat much sugar...but I'm stuck at about 286 lbs, and at 6'4"...I don't look fat, but I know what I look like when I'm sitting down without a shirt.

I'm hoping from here to a few months, we would be working out on some monkey bars or something together, doing calisthenics.

I recently found Frank Medrano...his workouts are short and easy to follow (not so easy to do)...and myself being in my 40's...this is much more achievable than bodybuilding.

All this to say, I found a new motivation to not only stay clean, but to fill up my time. I might even build myself a small money bar workout area in my back yard...
 

mr.slurps

Active Member
Hey Pal,  Fantastic work on getting #94.  Seeing guys like you sometimes is my only link to optimism.
Just curious, your weight loss, was that w/ surgery or just diet? 
Either way it is amazing. Do you have a feel where your sweet-spot is? (Where you don't want to lose more and you feel your strength is still increasing.)
 

Rookie

Active Member
I wouldn't want to be much less than 230 lbs, if I even get to that. The frame I have, even my Osteopath told me I have a big frame. My wife took a picture of me from behind once at the gym, and I was amazed at how wide my shoulders are (I'm nowhere near bodybuilders and some other folks, but I always thought I was much more narrow than I am) and the "V" was quite distinguished. But I have a bit of a gut, and I'm slightly over weight.

With all the gyms closed, I tried a 10 minute workout this morning with Frank...holy crap....I got through the 10 minutes...but I don't even know if I did 20% of the movement he did and I was done.

Looks like I'll be jogging quite a bit first to build stamina. I'll start with 6 km (3.72 miles), of both jogging and walking. I also like to wear a thick hoodie...really promotes sweating and losing weight that much faster.

As far as the wife...her hormones are extreme right now. Father's day is tomorrow, and I think it's going to be a normal Sunday...her moods are off the charts.

More updates later, lol.
 

ShadeTrenicin

Well-Known Member
Hey Rookie,

congrats on the 94 days. AMazing achievement. And GO you for starting to work out more!

I do want to point one thing; it is a wide spread myth that sweating = losing fat. However sweating does not help loose fat. Sweating simply your body's function of ridding yourself of excess heat and cooling yourself. So putting on a hoody during running does not mean you are burning more fat. It means you are only using more water that is needed to cool your body. Sweating itself does not burn calories, it will only make you loose water weight (and you will need to refill that water balance later on)
However, continuous movement at an elevated (but not maximum) heart rate does burn fat. So a nice jog / run at a manageable pace should help with it.

Good luck my friend, also with the moodswing of the wife. I can imagine that it can be a positive but also volatile situation

Keep us updated. I'm rooting for you!
 
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