Day 117...well sir, can I finally say I'm over this addiction, absolutely freaking not!!! While I have much more willpower than the first 40 days...the temptations are still there. Unbelievable. I thought seeing some of the other journals that the temptation would be completely eradicated. Man I was wrong. Hopefully, as long as I don't fall off the bandwagon, another 100 days, maybe? I know it's different for everyone. Some folks quit this for 3 weeks and good. Others might be on a 5 yr journey and others might be on a lifetime journey. Really hoping it's not the lifetime one for me.
** trigger alert**
Wife and I went for supper Saturday evening (our weekly routine now, providing the budget affords it) and she mentioned before we left, that intimacy would be in the cards when we get home. Well, with that statement, I didn't care if supper was $10 or $200, lol. I just wanted to come back home. Just to be clear, the budget didn't allow for $200...while we were driving out, she actually looked at me and said "I'm not sure when it started, or what's going on, but the sex is getting better and better again". I asked her if she could pin point the time frame, she couldn't. I wanted to bring up that I quit PMO...but I couldn't bring myself to say it. I'm just appreciating that she is enjoying it again. Not sure how bad it was before...(women have an unbelievable talent for faking it, she sobbed uncontrollably one night after our intimacy session, that it was the first time in months that she had an orgasm...I thought she had one every time. This was a couple of yrs ago now, but just to say, they can fake it so well that you would never be able to tell the difference).
Got home, watched a fantastic movie (not saying the name in case I have one of you misfits on my FB...wife posted it there, lol) and just before the movie ended, wife initiated (she had a couple of drinks, which I don't object to from time to time).
Sunday morning, long 1 hr drive to the church I appreciate attending. The pastor is in his early 30's, but he's a Reformed Baptist...very, very strong on doctrine, compassion and passion to be accurate. That's when I noticed the depravity of my own human heart. With over 20 yrs salvation as a Christian. I still notice myself with thoughts that are embarrassing while the sermon is being preached. Noticing stains on a tile ceiling, cute women in the pews (even as a married man, stupid how these thoughts race through someone's mind...in church!!!) Groceries to get and the list goes on.
The sermon he was preaching was on 1 John 2-28 :29 and chapter 3-1:3. I found it amazing how he could have a 1 hr sermon, on this text. The encouragement I got from his sermon, was that my salvation is not based on my feelings (we, all on this board, know how our feelings fluctuate all over the place depending on our temptations), not my works, church attendance, bible reading consistency, how good I was that week, how bad I was, how far I fell in sin, how I treated my wife, the jar of jam that was under my jacket in the cart that I never noticed till I got to the car, my love or lack of love for Christ. But my salvation depends solely on the work of Christ on the cross, and his promises that anyone who believes in him, have everlasting life.
I needed that sermon this week. While things on the PMO are still going strong (both temptation, and resistance) doesn't change the fact that I have been so busy with a few things that I have been too preoccupied to even read my bible.
Then, Sunday evening, I typed out a letter for a friend. He's dealing with severe substance abuse addictions. He actually registered himself in an out of province rehab center. No access to the internet, email, phone...nothing. And if I wrote cursive (yep, in your 40's, that's a thing), only the first couple of lines would be legible. After that...I want to get through it and the hand doesn't keep up with the words coming out. On a good day, I can type over 40 wpm...I have hit 60...and my average is over 30...lol. Cursive, well, about 10 per minute, and no backspace...lol
I'm hoping the letter I send him will be encouraging, and that it's not the only one he gets.
Hoping whoever reads this entire thing gets a bit of encouragement.