New Start

Rookie

Active Member
Day 50...while I won't say it's getting easier some days, I will say, the days it is easier, it's much easier. Yesterday, I cranked out 130 push ups total. All but 6 were modified, either from my knees or elevated on my desk. Still, the pump I get when I do them, and motivation...I figure by the end of the 30 days...they will all be from the floor.

Eventually, I want to progress to advanced calisthenics. If you never heard of those, I suggest looking them up. Since gyms are closed, my wife and I might just build something from home.

If I have time, and I'm not too tired, I'll post again later...
 

joepanic

Respected Member
Nice going Rookie    I also know the feeling of having tough days vrs  easy days  and as times goes on they seem to be easy mnore often  for me now  they all seem to be easy

    cheers

    Post often it helps me it helps you
 

Rookie

Active Member
Day 52...not too bad. Starting to think of some projects to do around the house (if ever my wife could stop her stupid spending on clothes...how many outfits and shoes does a woman need!!!!?????)

Looking at building a fire pit in the backyard...I can get the gravel cheap (dad has an excavating business) and he might also have access to bricks for cheap. It would be nice to have my in-laws over for a fire and relax from time to time.

Now, one of my issues, I have been working evenings 4 - 12 am for almost 1 full year. While I appreciate having the job, I NEVER thought my job would hinder my Christian fellowship as much as it has. I'm really starting to hope I get back to day shift.

There have been 2 hires since me that also do parts, but they are still on days, nearly 1 year later. There are a couple of things that could happen, if I went back on days. More time with my wife in the evenings, and more social life.

Anyway, all this to say, summer, with this stupid lock down finally coming to an end, seems to be having some promises.
 

mr.slurps

Active Member
Hiya Rook,  Good work on getting this far!  I looked back on this journal and I have a good feeling. Though I can't articulate it I feel like you're in a better place in many areas. I hope this is true.
 

Rookie

Active Member
Day 55...getting easier on some fronts (too much pride to break the streak) but getting much harder on other fronts. Sat down with my wife for a few minutes to rub her feet...she told me to go back to bed (I work till midnight, and am up with her at 7:30 am...that's a bit early. I can't remember how it went, but she's frustrated with working from home. And I told her I sometimes need a bit of affection too...(she's been beyond distant and cold). She replied that she's having a hard time working from home, and if I don't like it, one of us can move out.

This is not an easy situation. In one sense, this would have previously been the kind of frustration that would have sent me back to PMO...but with this streak going...I'm not interested in falling again. Going to keep going strong, and try to work on some projects around the house. Maybe, just maybe, those will be enough to encourage her enough to relax a bit (even if it doesn't bring intimacy right away), if I can even get her to relax and calm down, the rest might happen.

In short, huge frustrations, feeling of 0 worth in this marriage (even though I do all the groceries, pay the bills, clean the house, dishes, laundry, tend to the dogs, upkeep the vehicles best I can, and bring her coffees every night so she has one the next day).

Really praying this pre-menopause thing, and work thing gets resolved soon.
 

Joel

Active Member
Hey Rookie, Just read most of your journal. Well done on the streak and exercise progress. It sounds really challenging, you're doing well on focusing on your self-development.
 

mr.slurps

Active Member
Hiya Rook,  I'm still maintaining a strict policy here of don't go into the wife situations. That seems to be what you have on your mind.
So, I'm just letting you know I'm keeping my eye on you (in a good sense.)
 

joepanic

Respected Member
Hey Rookie    as tough as your situation is  the most important thing for you is to rewire your brain  to keep from porn till you no longer have an interest in it.  Than perhaps you can work on your marraige.  In the  meantime the other things you do (projects around the house) will if anything help you grow and feel better about yourself  55 days is a great feat  your more than half way past the reccommended minimum  time needed.  Keep pushing forward  till your brain is clear than you can make better decisions  regarding the future of your marraige

  Cheers

    Post often it helps me it helps you
 

Rookie

Active Member
Day 56, yep, yesterday was tough, today, I have no idea what is waiting for me yet.

After a few hours yesterday, my wife actually gave me a halfway apology for not being able to meet me emotionally. It felt somewhat good to at least have that acknowledgement from her.

Then a bit later, she had to go in town for something. I asked her where she was going, and told me, she also said she was going to get another coffee. So I told her there was one on the counter. She then said to the dogs "Mommy feels bad, dad is treating her so good, and she's being a bitch all the time"...well, at least she knows, lol.

This is in NO WAY saying my wife isn't a great woman, and one worth loving. She's going through some crap right now, and the timing, is just really bad. If this would have been last year...fine, no sex...fap away.

Now it's no sex, and no fap. That has to be the reason I'm going through this so difficultly. I told my wife many times, she's very easy to love, just really hard to live with.

Either way, still not interested in breaking the streak, today, I have too many things on my plate to pause and fall again.

Thanks to all who are replying, you have NO IDEA how motivating this is right now. I will be posting on some of your journals when I can get my head back on straight, and not keep thinking about sex with my wife, the temptation to look at P and just actually focus on life and Christ.

I have to say, the demons are throwing everything they have at me right now, that I'm useless in this marriage, debts are pilling up, wife wants to shop....I'm getting battered pretty hard right now.
 

joepanic

Respected Member
Hey Rookie

    56 days now  awesome  your closing in on 2 months.  Like I said before  make this time about your recovery  perhaps with a bit of luck  when you hit 3 months or more  a couple of different scenerios could come fourth  1 is your wife might have been able to work through some of her issues  or 2  you might be way better prepared to put up with her  issues  and be able to help her  There is of course no guarentees  but at some point your brain will be thinking clear enough to say to yourself that you are not useless in your marraige.  I certainly handle my wifes issues alot better now than I was before. Its actually becoming a sink or swim  issue for her  as I dont let her control issues  bother me as much as before  because I know I have other pleasures in life now  and she knows it and has to give in  sometimes.  Only time will tell  of course  I can only speak from my  own experience how my outlook has changed  with a clear head  When she apologizes  accept it whole heartedly for now  and try to  build on it  If she compliments her  compliment her back with a hug and remind her why your together    No pressure tactics

  hmmmm how is it I'm now giving relationship advice  am I qualified?  I hope so

    cheers

  Post often it helps me it helps you
 

mr.slurps

Active Member
Hiya Rook,  Sounds like you're hanging tough pal.
I have a confession to make. What follows is something I know nothing about (I'm not a Christian.) It seems important to you and I've been reading about it. Have no fear, I will never convert.
But I do find some of the Christian rituals really powerful. (I know nothing re Scripture.)
Bottom line Pal, That Christian "stuff" seems to be an emotional support for you, so I say delve deep into your rituals/symbolism to find spiritual relief/help.
P.S.  Sorry if I over-stepped. I figured, if nothing else, at least I'd get you out of your head for a moment. (in a good way)
 

Rookie

Active Member
mr.slurps said:
Hiya Rook,  Sounds like you're hanging tough pal.
I have a confession to make. What follows is something I know nothing about (I'm not a Christian.) It seems important to you and I've been reading about it. Have no fear, I will never convert.
But I do find some of the Christian rituals really powerful. (I know nothing re Scripture.)
Bottom line Pal, That Christian "stuff" seems to be an emotional support for you, so I say delve deep into your rituals/symbolism to find spiritual relief/help.
P.S.  Sorry if I over-stepped. I figured, if nothing else, at least I'd get you out of your head for a moment. (in a good way)

You will never over step if you tell me to dive deeper into my own faith.
 

Rookie

Active Member
Day 57, lots on the calendar today.

Yesterday was a fight, and resentment towards my wife. I keep being very selfish and resenting her for having no emotional connection with me at all. I must remember, just because I have an addiction towards sexual relief (pretty much on demand), that doesn't mean she has to submit to me anytime I want.

Today, working a morning shift, then possibly start working on building a fire pit in the back yard (if I can get the materials for almost free). Then hopefully, we both go to the camp this evening and just relax, dogs or no dogs.

And I must take my focus on anything sexual. It's been a stretch since our last session of intimacy, but that doesn't mean my life is over. It finally means I can focus on important things in life and not dwell on "why aren't we having sex"...

The great struggle of an addict, always focusing on the next fix...I guess I could compare it to a drug addiction (which I never had). Those of us that never tried drugs, will never understand why they are always focused on getting the next hit....praying someday I will be liberated from this focus when it comes to PMO...
 

Joel

Active Member
We're rooting for you Rook. I'm reading the David Goggins book. It seems when we finally set out to achieve something, the path isn't strewn with roses and our running shoes fall apart, and the guard at the door determines to be bigger and more challenging than it ever was. I have a feeling it's going to be awesome on the other side of this.
 

Rookie

Active Member
Day 58...wife and I watched an old zombie movie last night, acting - terrible, plot - even worse, special effects - blatantly obvious...however, she enjoys that type of movie.  Me, not so much. So, when she went to bed, I knew nothing would happen last night, I just gave her a slight hug, and encouraged her to wake me up in the morning...

Well, nothing, frustrations, very high. Been about 3 weeks since our last session. And a fairly aggressive case of blue nuts last night. So, a little later in the morning, I said let's go for a drive, and bring the dogs...we went to see my brother's lot, there's lots of sandstone there. Free stuff for my fire pit. Then stopped in at my parents for a few minutes to let the dogs run. Huge yard...get permission from my brother for sand stone, and dad can "donate" a bit of tailings.


***********trigger alert************


Get home, frustrations very high on the sexual release / relief side. I decide, since I can't start any outside projects, since she works from home and is starting at 5 pm...the dogs will bark, I call it a day and take a shower (roughly 2:30 pm). I get out of the shower, half mast, and her, from the couch, her eyes obviously focused where I was hoping...smiles and asks "what are you doing now?". To which I replied, sheepishly, "hoping"....she looks at the time on her phone, and says "ok".

When we were done, I asked (we sometimes are curious on performance, I doubt I'm the only one) scale of 1 - 10....without hesitation, "that, was an 11".

Frustrations, gone. We both admitted, we needed it.

What I find interesting now as the streak continues...I'm not fighting against the MO now...those are halfway easy. I don't want to break those streaks. It's fighting against the urge to look at P...that's the biggest fight, every, single, day...



 

joepanic

Respected Member
Hey Rookie

    Looks like your patients  paid off with the wife    Take your time saviour the moment and  build upon it  and beware the chaser effect.
Let us know how the day to day goes for the next few days  now that you both got some relief and  were able to  get past the frustrations

    Cheers

    Post often it helps me it helps you
 

Joel

Active Member
With all this focus on guys trying not to watch pixels on a screen, glad to read about a positive, real sexual connection between two people in your post!
 

Rookie

Active Member
Day 59...Today was a good day. Father in law tagged along with me to help build the fire pit. He likes to be active (you wouldn't know he's almost 70). Project done, a very simple pit (tailings from my dad and stand stone from my brother's shop yard).

When we were done, dropped off my father in law again, came home and my wife actually hinted at a repeat of yesterday...

Intimacy 2 days in a row...then a well needed nap. I joked with her "this once a day thing, I could really get use to it"...she smirked.

Long and short of it is...1 day short of 60 days...
 

mr.slurps

Active Member
Hiya Rook,  I second what Joel just said. 
Especially when it's nice guys who are getting some action-- gotta love it!
 

Rookie

Active Member
Day 62...just got home from a night shift that I hope doesn't repeat itself, and could be some very serious meetings tomorrow. Either way, things are not bad. Might post more when I wake up in a few hours.
 
Top