New Start

ZiggyBoo

Member
Thanks Rookie, that's just the motivation I needed to hear right now.. Just at the 10 day point myself and starting to loose the early stage raw motivation which I knew would eventually fade. I need to focus on the long term goal of a better life and feeling great PMO free!
 

Rookie

Active Member
ZiggyBoo said:
Thanks Rookie, that's just the motivation I needed to hear right now.. Just at the 10 day point myself and starting to loose the early stage raw motivation which I knew would eventually fade. I need to focus on the long term goal of a better life and feeling great PMO free!

What I found beyond difficult in the first 2 months...when my wife wasn't in the mood, nearly 2 weeks at a time, was the half mast parts, and the blue balls....man they hurt. But I knew that even PMO'ing...the pain wouldn't go away for 2 - 3 hrs...so I thought, pain goes away in 2 - 3 hours by doing nothing, or 2 - 3 hrs by self relief...let's keep the streak going. Blue balls finally stopped happening on a regular basis after about 2 months...

Now it just happens when I'm really eager to go, and beyond half mast...and the wife declines. Besides that, it's like Pedro knows...ain't happening, why bother get excited.

Keep pushing. You will see at about 60 days, NOT that the urges stop...I still have strong ones...but it's the streak part. You just don't want to start over, so you have twice the fight in you.
 

Rookie

Active Member
Day 149...This past week, beyond busy. Brought wood in dad's basement (with the help of a couple other guys, brought in about 8 cord). Yesterday was my birthday, and my wife gave me my "birthday present" twice, about 3 hrs apart.

She was in complete shock that I could perform as well the second time, as I did the first time. This is the first time in months that I didn't have to wait till the weekend for some relief.

The rest of this week is just as busy, 4 hrs overtime today (12 hr shift) and another 4 hr shift tomorrow.

Life is kind of on a race track right now...and my wife, just sits back and watches her shows while she's on vacation.

Either way, she could be cheating, drugs, drinking, gambling....the list is long. She's spends a bit, and doesn't help much around the house (except for weekends)...such is life.

Typed enough for today, I have to run and get things done...

Till the next post....
 

Georgos

Well-Known Member
Hi Rookie, I sent you some PMs, I hope you don't mind, I'm not allowed to comment on schizophrenia on other people's journals, only in my own special one which is set aside in the forum for my personal use, if that makes sense. I prefer lobster myself, octopodia is even better. Stay strong, you can do this.
 

ZiggyBoo

Member
Hey Rookie,

Glad to hear you had a nice birthday. Improved performance is one of the great benefits of staying clean I think regardless of whether someone has suffered from ED - Also you just feel better and more intimate with your SO. Nice work!  :)
 

Rookie

Active Member
Day 153...still some temptation to P(I really wish that crap was gone). But no temptation to PMO...which is good. However, the last few days have been wicked busy.
Yesterday, I was dealing with a business partner of mine (I am barely active in that business, but since I'm the only French one in the office, I'm inheriting some French clients) on a transaction I have to complete.

While outside he asked, "so what church do you go to now". I went to his in the past (Plymouth Brethren) however, since they are free will dispensationalists, and I now subscribe to the Calvinist, Covenant Theology, and more on the Supralapsarianism (Robert Weymond version), we had a long, long discussion.

At the end of it, he wanted bible verses that supported my view...and with every verse I gave him (Ephesians 1, Romans 8 and 9, Jeremiah 17:9, John chapter 6...and the list goes on) he had to do bible gymnastics to explain his perspective. So he wants a bigger list.

Well, all this to say, I'm going to be way too busy to do this "essay" for him to show my point, whether he believes it or not, plus work, gym, domestic duties...no time for PMO these days.

Once again, hoping the next post, is that this streak is extended again.
 

Chris Oz

Well-Known Member
Wow, Rookie Day 153.
I just went through the first page of my forum and saw your post. It gave me hope. So I decided to check you out and see how your recovery is going only to see day 153. I'm in awe. I feel a little dejected though saying in my mind "this could have been me."

But I really am happy for you.

Keep posting and give us encouragement
 

Rookie

Active Member
It can still be you...an old Chinese proverb says "the best time to plant an oak seed is 50 yrs ago...the next best time, is today"...

Don't let my "success" be a discouragement for you. Let it be a motivation. "If Rookie can do it, anyone can do it".

I would also be lying if I said the temptations are gone. They most assuredly are NOT. But I had much more motivation going as soon as I hit the 30 day streak...I didn't want to relapse at that point.
 

Chris Oz

Well-Known Member
I guess so man. Thanks for your encouragement. And also for showing us that it's possible to beat this. Thank you.

Together, we win.
 

Rookie

Active Member
Day 161...unbelievable, the battle still rages at this stage of the game. Some days, the ONLY thing keeping me going, is that I have finally built a long streak. I can promise you, if I was only a few days in, I would be restarting...very frequently.

I thank my wife for the weekend relief. She even jokes about it now "you seem to be looking forward to weekends now...". Well since I did confess to her about quitting porn and self relief, she's much more on board...her weekend alcoholic coolers seem to make her more "friendly" as well.

These next few weeks, are probably going to fly by. A daytime adviser is on vacation starting Friday...for 2 weeks. This job is hard enough when you're 2 during the day, my wife "approved" me putting in a few hours of overtime. I'm making half decent money for my town, so time and a half of that, will be a very nice pay.

I unfortunately don't have time to read all the progress some of the brothers are making on the forum. There are a couple I read, and seldom post. Heck, I only have time to post once every 7 - 10  - 20 days on my own. And personally, I would much rather it that way.

If I have tons of time to post...I have tons of time to possibly fall again.

All that being said, for the ones that are reading this and thinking "oh snap...this guy has it going for himself, 161 days...", it is STILL very much a fight. There are some days I just want to feel that PMO just one more time...especially since relief only comes once a week, the edging and the final climax would be huge. But at the same time....I know it's ALL a lie. The remorse, depression, guilt, everything will be even bigger than the climax.

There comes a time where you have to have the control and say enough...find a past time, gym (unless the women are half dressed and it's a trigger...then do calisthenics outside). Build models...anything, just get disconnected from the digital world.
 

ZiggyBoo

Member
Great work on the 161 days streak Rookie, it's great to know that it possible. Interesting but not too surprising to hear that it's still a huge battle at that stage of your recovery. Good to hear you wife is a great support for you now too - Keep up the good work
 

workinprogressUK

Well-Known Member
Rookie said:
There comes a time where you have to have the control and say enough...find a past time, gym (unless the women are half dressed and it's a trigger...then do calisthenics outside). Build models...anything, just get disconnected from the digital world.

That would be SO good. The less time I spend online, the easier it is to stay straight. Congrats on staying strong for so long. Fully understand that it doesn't get easy and I totally respect every day that you resist the temptation, Rookie.
 

Rookie

Active Member
Day 166...this, is going to be a long, and very, very tough week. Wife's monthly nemesis showed up, just in time for the weekend. No relief this weekend. And I'm too scared of my wife's tantrums to let her know I need help...Love her and she's a wonderful woman on many angles...however, bringing up sex...unless she's in the mood, it don't happen. So I was hoping for anything to give me relief. And she's working the complete opposite shift I am. I go to bed at 1:30 am...she gets up at 5:30 am for her shift. So unless I get a wake up call, which I think will be highly unlikely...this is going to be a 2 week stretch.

In other news...my father in law and I went out to hit a few golf balls at a local driving range. The way the guy is active (sure he's 69 yrs old, but you could never tell, he's always on the go) and has played very sport, including bodybuilding in his prime...I thought I was going to get my ass kicked at the range.

Low and behold, the first couple he hit, didn't make it to 100 yards...and I cranked out my first 3 at almost 200 yards. That pretty much set the pace. He got a good one from time to time, lined straight, and slightly increasing in altitude...reaching nearly 200...

Mine were at 175 + on a regular basis, and the odd one was below 100. Then I decided to look at his swing, he has a weak baseball swing, bends both arms, no break in the elbow, and the front knee doesn't bend on the upswing.

Then my moment of pride when he asked me, halfway..."how do you swing? You are reaching or clearing the fence at the 230 mark often"...so I told him, go in front of me, and watch...he saw that my front arm barely bent, my wrist is what broke, and that I could see the club in the corner of my eye...with my front knee bent a bit. And then when I come around, I let the club do the work.

I also tried a baseball swing...200+ yards and straight....not much difference.

Either way, great time this afternoon. Next we're doing the batting cages.

Anyway, this week, going to be a long one, she's working at the center 7-3....so that will leave me home all day...alone.

Must find something to do either at the house, or elsewhere.

 

Rookie

Active Member
Day 173...I can honestly say I never thought I would be PMO free for this amount of time. This week flew by. No overtime, however, lots to do, and we went to a friend's house for a fire. Yesterday (Saturday) I told my wife that I would drop her off home from the gym (great workout together). She could start cleaning the house, since we were having a guest today (Sunday). And I would get some groceries.

Well, she had a HUGE meltdown / panic attack / anxiety attack or whatever you want to call it. Got a few texts saying "I'm overwhelmed, I can't clean, the house is too messy, my system just broke down, I had a crying / screaming fit, and by body shut down". What do you do with that, well, when you have seen it many times before...you keep running your errands, and reply back "go to my parents camp, away from everything, and I'll clean when I get home"...then she sends another text...I replied back "go for a nap, I'll take care of it"...


****possible trigger alert****
Get home...she had the whole house pretty near spotless. But, she didn't want to go out for the fire. Definitely not in the mood for sex, which what I was reeeaaaalllly hoping for, I was 2 weeks without relief...this sucked, bad.

We both had a nap, and went out with the friends. She had an awesome time, and even had some punch our friend made. I don't drink, so I have no idea. She had some, and said it was strong, and only had 2 drinks.

At about 11pm...she whispers in my ear "I think it's time to go home, and for me to make it up to you for screaming at you while I was cleaning"....cheque please!!!

She held to her promise...however, while it was awesome and somewhat short lived (which I told her, no relief for 2 weeks, it's like being a virgin again), either way, she loved it, me, it burned. Suspecting too long without relief??

Again today, great sex again, and much better, no burning. And apparently she's planning on waking me up in the morning for more. I love my weekends.

Then this evening, I had a conversation with my pastor, and told him I'm just a few days away from 6 months without PMO...he was very excited and thrilled. We had a great conversation. I also asked him for prayer for my wife's anxiety, and for my rabbit hole research in this stupid covid crap. That being said, everything I see, is coming to light, so I'm happy to see I'm not as crazy as I thought I was...however, very time consuming.

All this to say...the streak continues.
 
J

J01

Guest
Great job handling that situation about cleaning-quite a reward you received!  Nice to see things working for you-keep up the good work!
 

Rookie

Active Member
Day 181...loaded with everything and boredom today. I actually have time to go to the gym, or read, or go to dad's and help him with his upside down float (rotted frame). I do have to go vote. No way around that one. Weekend wasn't bad.

Wife went out with some friends from work Friday night, she bluntly told the host "we have to go home to have fun"...well, I had just got off work, and went to pick her up...that being said, it wasn't a long conversation.

And that was the only sexual episode this weekend. Discouraging, yep, very much. However, I could have had no relief and I always have to look at the point that, many marriages have much, much less sex than we do. And this sexual addiction I'm fighting, is not my wife's, it's mine.

Either way, 6 months...unbelievable it's still a fight....
 

Rookie

Active Member
Day 188...Finally, it's getting "easier". Not actually "fighting" as much as I use to. Not saying there's no battle...just saying it's finally getting easier to walk away from the computer...turn off the tv..whatever.

Wife and I have a getaway planned for our anniversary soon. She's excited about the place we're staying at. I'm just seeing the stupid dollars go out the window. The weekend won't be less than $500...and that's the killer for me. I'm used to spending about $50 for a weekend.

I would list the resort here, however, if some of you misfits know me outside this board...it might disclose my identity, lol.

All that said, for the ones struggling to quit this pain in the ass sin / behavior / addiction / whatever you want to label it. There is hope.

I was an EVERY day, sometimes twice a day with some serious edging. I couldn't get 2 days under my belt.

The one part that still seems to linger, is when them good looking women in them Lululemon pants walk around, pisses me off. They all have that mentality of "I can wear what I want"...sure, but you have no idea what it does for some of us men. It's pure torture. Rumor has it that a guy actually invented them. Bastard.

Either way, time to get back to my daily life...check a tire for leaks today, oil change and tire rotation tomorrow for my beast, and the rest of the week has a heavy plan as well.

Keep fighting folks...there is SOOOOO much life to live once you finally get rid of an addiction. It's a fight, but when you can finally start "relaxing" and not think about it all the time, it's fantastic.

I can even admit, there must be hundreds of scenes I had in my head with certain actresses...there are still lots, but there are some that I don't remember anymore. This...is progress.

While I won't let my guard down, since I could still fall anytime...the fight is not completely over, I can say, the craving is starting to go down. Talk about a long freaking haul for that to finally go away.

 
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