New Start

Rookie

Active Member
Day 194...As mentioned in previous post...finally, less temptation to look up actresses and such. Till recently, the temptation was still quite strong.

Now, it's finally starting to subside. And while I wouldn't be happy about it, even if my wife cuts down our intimacy, I no longer have blue balls...

This week, was uneventful. Work, as most, cleaned the house a bit, huge garage clean up... can actually fit both our vehicles in there now.

The one thing that pisses me off right now about this reboot thing, as I mentioned it to Mr. Slurps on his blog...Youtube seems to know I'm fight and has recently posted a TON of runway models, bikini shows and lingerie...I had to sign out of my youtube account, and it seems to be better. Even my FB feed, Wish is advertising some Asian sex dolls...like what the actual hell. Even in my days of addiction, while tempting, it would never have materialized in my house. Besides, how the hell do you explain that one to your wife. "Hey hon...I'm expecting a woman in a box...for you know, the time's you're not in the mood, well, I still need it"...

I honestly think, while not ideal, and most women feel betrayed when they catch their man in the trap of PMO...I think they prefer it to their man indulging himself with a doll.

So there are 2 things that I find really encouraging right now. I was curious on how many people actually read my posts. Since only a couple, from time to time will actually reply. You guys have no idea how encouraging you are, even in this stage of the game, when I read it, I'm like "nice, someone actually does ready my journal besides me". I have also jotted down a date and how many views on my journal, and every day, seems to up by 20 - 40...sometimes less, sometimes more. But either way, if I can provide encouragement to anyone, that's a win.

The other thing I find extremely encouraging, I'm approaching 200 days...never in my life of addiction did I ever think this would happen. I still remember the "click bait" in the late 90's...on dial up...finally high speed came along. I still remember a couple of sites I would visit in the early 2000's...don't remember the site name, just the layout.

The internet has come a long, long way.

Glad to finally be rid of it, so far. While I'm not planning on going back, I really hope this reboot is not like "crap, did I forget the burner on the stove on?" and then you turn around to check. I'm seriously hoping and praying that this is a permanent thing.

I don't know that I'll have time to post anything till next Sunday. Weeks are flying by as of late and my wife and I are going away this weekend...love the going away part, hate the "paying for it" part...
 

Rookie

Active Member
Day 201...We celebrated our anniversary at a very luxurious hotel in our province this weekend. The price very much reflected in "luxurious"...

Had a great, great time. And had sex the night of, and the next morning. We were both very much anticipating it. We both knew, the main reason was just to get away from the house and daily responsibilities to be alone, no dependents with us.

The week was fine...she still has stress from her job, I still have politics at mine that piss me off...but hey, when you work for a huge corporation, you have the politicians, and you have the truth sayers. My shift has the truthers, and we aren't liked very much. Who cares, we get the job done and go home.

As far as the PMO...the streak continues.

Progress in church, I might not have to drive an hour each way to church for much longer. A group I know very well is looking at starting a house church. I discussed it with one of the organizers, and seems the format is one I know well.

I might even be one of the "leaders" in it, as far as preaching goes, since I don't have any issues with public speaking, and studying.

Hoping my wife comes back to "church" with me. That would be a huge blessing.

That's it for now, praying my next post is a continuation of the previous post.
 
Rookie said:
Hoping my wife comes back to "church" with me. That would be a huge blessing.

Speaking about huge blessings, reaching day 203 would be one for me, congratulations for such a long streak! Tomorrow at noon I'll hit 7 days and I dunno how in the world I'll make it passed 200 but I'm trying to keep faith here. Yesterday I saw one one Noah Church videos where he said he had relapsed even after he wrote his book, I almost slipped because of that video but I stood strong so this kinda reinforced me neurologically in some ways.
 

workinprogressUK

Well-Known Member
Rookie said:
That's it for now, praying my next post is a continuation of the previous post.

Congrats on celebrating your anniversary well and for another day clean. Sincerely hope that your next post is positive too.
 

Rookie

Active Member
Day 208...Covid sucks, my region has escalated back to orange. Gyms are closed, hair salons and other lady pampering services. All for 25 new positive cases in a general population of 750 000...Masks are somewhat mandatory, if you don't wear one, you get looks from everyone.

Wife can't go to the gym due to the closure, and she only had exercise bands. I told her I'm working on getting somewhat of a home gym, looking at a bowflex with up to 410 lbs resistance (I bench almost 200lbs or more now...so won't be long I'll be needing more)

Her anxiety is through the roof due to her work expectations, and a recent review she got from her employees, whom rated her low (seriously hoping they don't count it due to Covid).

I have been asked to remove myself from the house church that was just sprouting...because now house churches...have a limit of 10. Well, the hosting couple, along with 2 families covers that.

All this, and to add, absolutely no relief this weekend with my wife. Her anxiety is so bad, and her back pain, she was actually upset "the only thing you look forward to every weekend is sex...must be nice that it's the only stress you have".

I will add, that the tone she said that in, was not a pleasant one.

So much more going on this week that doesn't add to stress relief, let alone sexual relief.

Today, we had lunch at her parents, great time, great dinner. Came home and binge watched "The Boys". Well written, but highly vulgar and not very pleasant for a very conservative person (myself).

Then, the covid crap, that I'm starting to think is all a stupid facade. Many small businesses had to close in the area, but low and behold, a local strip club posts that they are open. The outrage that this has caused, is about time.

I am NOT saying this virus isn't a bad one. I am saying it's not as bad as advertised. The WHO even puts the numbers as 0.013% death rate, verses the flu at 0.03%...

More and more people are rising up against the MSM and the local tyranny of the government. The control is really getting out of hand.

Either way, thanks for reading my venting. The streak does continue...can't say I wasn't tempted with the frustrations. But being just over 6 months in...no more blue balls, I can unfortunately now go a couple weeks without relief.

I miss the intimacy with my wife more than the relief at this point (when no intimacy happens for whatever reason).
 

Rookie

Active Member
Quick update. Thanksgiving day yesterday. We went for a drive to a local town about 45 minutes away. There's a hike of about 2km...to the top of a "rock". The scenery was breathtaking.

We needed to get away. Got home, at supper, and low and behold, she looks at our dogs and says "time to watch the show, and cuddle with daddy"...

Much needed relief achieved.
 

Rookie

Active Member
Day 216...finally, I can say it's getting easier. I can finally be home, alone, while my wife is working and I'm not "tempted" to go surfing. I have been home alone a few times now for the entire day...I read my bible, clean the house, nap...whatever. And I was finally not interested in watching or indulging in porn.

I can't believe it took 7.2 months (based on calendar days of 30)...If I would have known this back when I started my reboot, could I have done it, probably not without this pandemic scaring me into believing the end of the world was near.

That being said, claiming to be a Christian, and indulging in this sin, had made me such a hypocrite, I was judging certain preachers because of who they may have shared a stage with, and then turn around and indulge in PMO for self relief and fantasy..

I'm NOT going to pretend it's easy now...it's still a struggle. Just not a daily one.

And I'm still waiting for my morning wood to make an appearance. I don't even get semi's...
 

Chris Oz

Well-Known Member
You've made great improvements rookie. I'm proud of you. I connect with your last message about feeling like a hypocrite as a Christian. But we have to just accept that we are worthy of His grace and keep moving forward, always approaching with humility
 

Rookie

Active Member
Day 225...this week has been an emotional roller coaster. I was in town with my truck (love that thing, big tires, lift kit, feel big in it) and a poor woman thought she had room to squeeze by, and she took out my driver's tail light, and a 3 inch scratch. Small gouge as well, so can't just do touch up paint. Light...$160...body work and paint...$1000. Well snap....

Get to work, wife sends me a text that someone at the gym where she works out, dropped one of those handles on her phone and crushed it. She was having a bad day, no sense telling her about the truck.

The good news is, the woman, that hit my truck, called me right away so we would have each other's phone numbers and she completely took responsibility for it. So far, they paid the light, and seems they are paying for the paint job as well. I already got a new phone for the missus.

Usually, with this kind of week, I would have resorted to porn for some fantasy living. This time, nope. Not worth it, especially with this kind of streak going. So, I am still on schedule with my bible reading within 90 days. I'm halfway.

Onto another week, for those of you reading my journal, thank you. You have no idea how much it encourages me. Though I have a good streak going, I can fall at any time. This covid crap (I don't believe it for a second, way too much information coming out showing data to the contrary of what's been reported) is not going to end anytime soon...I know where I live, they don't want to have the masks removed until the vaccine is out. For a 99.97% survival rate? Come on, the flu is deadlier.

Anyway, enough rant for now. If someone is feeling encouraged by my journal, drop a comment.
 

LetItGoAlready

Active Member
Usually, with this kind of week, I would have resorted to porn for some fantasy living. This time, nope. Not worth it, especially with this kind of streak going. So, I am still on schedule with my bible reading within 90 days. I'm halfway.

Nice going on staying the course, Rookie. Just by being alive and at the mercy of the world's randomness, any one of us could experience a day like you had and turn to our old reliable friend P for comfort. The fact that you didn't is a testament to the strength of your recovery. I commend you for making the right choice in this situation. Congrats and onward, friend!
 

Rookie

Active Member
Day 234...Been 3 weeks since we had sex. While I miss it, big time, I'm not overly distraught. I might have to see a doctor. When Pedro gets halfway erect, there is some discomfort when squeezed around the middle of the shaft. And the last time we had sex, I wasn't able to cum. My wife thought I was having an affair. I had to confess that when Pedro is hurting, it's not an easy conversation starter "Hey hun, by the way, I'm hurtin' down there". Most folks don't like talking about their privates.

Based on the research I have done, seems like a UTI...they can apparently hurt since the urethra is "inflamed", when it stretches, it can cause discomfort. There is absolutely no pain / discomfort when limp, no signs of bruising, lumps or anything. Only mild pain when getting erect.

Who knows when the next time we have sex is at this point. She's beyond stressed at work, and thinks because I have a difficult time getting a full erection now, I'm rejecting her.

Great times...Hugely tempted at watching again, just for the relief, however, not a streak I want to start over. God give me grace.
 
You're doing better than most of us here I thought, I guess you spend too much time thinking about it though. But bottom line remains that whenever lingers in your mind the idea that relief is at hand, that you could have PMO and you'd feel better and it would not count as a relapse and so on, then your brain won't give you no rest. Now if you'd start looking at that so called 'relief' as something that on the contrary you do not want and that you pity others for being weak enough to let themselves be conned by it endlessly, then the urges fade away. Period. Similarly, if you picture a small child whose toy was taken away from (because it made such a noise), as long as that child knows inside that the toy remains somehow available, then it he/she will incredible distances (wining and crying like it's the end of the world) until he/she eventually gets that toy back. Our impaired brains act exactly the same way in front of the implied possibility that our drug (=toy) could be available again to us. So basically, your brain's giving you the run around only because it knows deep inside there's a slight possibility that it could have it, therefore win. On the other end, if PMO is something you actively don't want then there's no room left for any craving of any form.
 

Rookie

Active Member
rolandc244 said:
You're doing better than most of us here I thought, I guess you spend too much time thinking about it though. But bottom line remains that whenever lingers in your mind the idea that relief is at hand, that you could have PMO and you'd feel better and it would not count as a relapse and so on, then your brain won't give you no rest. Now if you'd start looking at that so called 'relief' as something that on the contrary you do not want and that you pity others for being weak enough to let themselves be conned by it endlessly, then the urges fade away. Period. Similarly, if you picture a small child whose toy was taken away from (because it made such a noise), as long as that child knows inside that the toy remains somehow available, then it he/she will incredible distances (wining and crying like it's the end of the world) until he/she eventually gets that toy back. Our impaired brains act exactly the same way in front of the implied possibility that our drug (=toy) could be available again to us. So basically, your brain's giving you the run around only because it knows deep inside there's a slight possibility that it could have it, therefore win. On the other end, if PMO is something you actively don't want then there's no room left for any craving of any form.

First off, no, I'm do not pity others for being "weak"...I was there and have never used that word to describe anyone else on the board. I know the battle. And don't underestimate the battle on my end. It is still a battle. The pull is not as strong as it was in the beginning, but there is still a pull. I will NEVER put someone else down on this board that has difficulty getting past 2 days. Been there. I am still occasionally trying to throw messages at Mr. Slurps...(Ex Edger).

But I understand 100% what you're saying about if there's a chance of PMO for relief, it will come back, with a vengeance. I know myself too well that if I give in, it won't just be 1 relapse. It will last a while. Which is why I'm fighting as much as I can.

Either way, I would never put anyone on the board down, it's a fight, every day. I'm just on a pity potty and thought I would put down some thoughts in my journal. I apologize if someone read that I thought I was better than others...believe me, that is never the case. If anything, I can try to give tips to help fight it, since I am there, and gracefully have a streak going, but otherwise, I'm the same as everyone else, a recovering addict.
 
Rookie said:
First off, no, I'm do not pity others for being "weak"...I was there and have never used that word to describe anyone else on the board.

Hold on your horses, please, I did not mean to undermine anyone here. I might have picked the wrong set of words here, God knows my command of English is far from perfect nowadays, but whoever knows about the Allen Carr method knows what I am talking about here. Of course, sometimes it's even hard for some of us to get passed a few hours and I have been one of those in the past and I now realize my words may have hurt someone out there but again I did not mean that. On the contrary, I want people to realize looking down on PMO will help them big time, like to this day I myself still look down on cigarettes and the whole tobacco industry, marketing included and I haven't had a single craving whatsoever since the day I've quit smoking + drinking back in 2013.
 

Rookie

Active Member
Day 239...finally, she was immensely in the mood, and for the first time, I was absolutely petrified.

******Trigger Alert******

Finally when we were doing the deed, the pain, was bad. All at the head. Then when climax happened, more pain. It was very, very bitter sweet. We both needed it. However, the pain was bad.

We then had a quick discussion and when describing the symptoms and where it hurts, she mentioned urinary tract infection, or prostate infection? So I looked it up, and sure enough, I found 3 sites that describe exactly what my pain is...and seems it's a prostate infection of some sort. Not a big believer in conventional medicine for most things. I know a homeopathic doctor in town that has resolved many issues. I'll be calling him Monday.

Giving him the symptoms, especially since everything looks completely normal, and feels normal...absolutely no visual defects or anything. Hoping he agrees and has some natural advice and medication for this.

Sorry for rambling, however, this is my journal.  :p

 

Chris Oz

Well-Known Member
Hey Roland, I get what you're saying. Although if I had not been reading the book currently bout the Method you mentioned with Allen Carr, I wouldn't have a clue.

I believe it's a great way of seeing the whole porn addiction, the more we see porn as nothing and remove all the brainwashing that little monster does in our minds, the easier it becomes.

When we believe we are giving it up like it's something we are forefeiting for something better it becomes a bit harder as the withdrawal pangs get worse making porn seem more precious than it does.

But the truth is Porn has zero value whatsoever to our selves. It only feeds our minds to accepting wrong believes that it benefits us in one way or the other therefore feeding cravings which when relieved lead to more cravings and an endless cycle of a miserable life depelting session.

Anyone and everyone can get past this addiction instantly if only we can get past the brainwashing. And the book I'm reading helps to remove the blinders off tackling every possible false benefit porn has led us to believe it offers.

I'd stop there about this. To learn more about this, go download the book- The easy peasy way to quit porn

Rookie my man, you'd always remain an inspiration to me. I believe Roland misunderstood where you were coming from as well as you did him too. But I know very much how much you are a humble guy and have never ever looked down on those having little progress.

Been so long I read your journal. I'm so sorry about the difficulties your having when getting erect and having sex with your wife. I'm happy she understands what's going on now and I hope you guys find a solution to it.

 

Rookie

Active Member
Day 254...long due for an update. If I was to say that I finally don't have any temptation...I would be lying. Some days are much stronger than others.

On a positive note...my homeopathic doctor figured out the issue. UTI...with scar tissue...sold me natural medication, supplements and vitamins. Took them for a week, and my wife was in the mood last night. While the pain wasn't gone 100%, it was a major difference. I could actually enjoy it again. There was a very slight tinge of discomfort..however, not like last time. Last time, I thought to myself, I do NOT want to be aroused again, the pain isn't worth it.

And we bought a home gym, not a fan of doing to the gym anymore...way too many restrictions. Wearing a mask while working out...the heck with that. So will be working out from home and will be investing in building up our own gym.

I had Instagram on my phone again...just to follow my wife on hers..and give her compliments...had to get rid of it again. EVERY stupid suggestion to follow, was a woman half or barely dressed. While I don't have the temptation to MO at all, I don't want the temptation to linger in P either. Back to Twitter (political stuff) and Facebook (about as clean as it gets)....
 

workinprogressUK

Well-Known Member
Great work, Rookie. You're a lasting source of inspiration.
I've never had Insta. Don't have any S'meeds beyond linkedin. I know I wouldn't cope. Kudos to you for trying it, working out that it still doesn't fit you, and deleting.

Have you got a decent chin-up / pull-up bar yet? Best piece of home gym equipment I ever bought. Game changing.
 
Top