Covid - an inflection point?

[Andrew1973]

Hi all, and thanks for your comments, including hurricane Slurps storming through my journal (great to see you back and doing so well Mr S!).
Following my last post I had a bit of a 'slip'. The arthritis thing has caused me some worry over the past week, which in turn impacted on my mood regarding my business project. This, along with a thoroughly enjoyable and extremely alcoholic day out on Friday with my wife resulted in a hungover relapse yesterday (at least proof that my elbow is not entirely shot yet!)
All joking aside, despite this hiccup, I still feel that the daily meditation practice is having a real impact (I didn't do it yesterday incidentally), and whilst I made some poor choices towards the end of last week - mainly around alcohol consumption, I am attributing them in the main to a reaction to the arthritis thing which I need to deal with properly. Have a call with a consultant tomorrow which will give me some practical perspective I am sure (one way or another - but at least I'll have a plan of action).
I am taking great encouragement from the fact that the last 14 days (that was the length of the 'streak') were relatively easy, and that I feel I have grown and developed my plan and my perspective, despite the outcome yesterday.
So I am re-mounting my horse with a positive expectation for the days ahead. Wishing you all the best for next week.

 

[3rdprecept]

UKguy you recently posted on my journal entry. I'm amazed at the depth of these journals with so many pages of entries.

Meditation on a daily basis has been an important part of my recovery. Remarkable insights and awareness can develop through being quiet and being still.  My understanding of how helpless I am to my PMO habit has become clear by way of my meditation practice.  For me meditation encourages me to live a more ethical and compassionate life. The downside of meditation is that it lays bare the intensity of suffering that is in my life. Acceptance of the suffering allows me to clearly see the causes and do something about it.

 

[mr.slurps]

Hi Guys,  3rd you hit the nail on the head for my meditation practice. I do get some great insights and it helps me to stay positive and avoid anger.
UK, I felt you lost some of your confidence from circling. Pal, even knowing you only on here, you need that. Maybe do something to get yourself all pumped up. like... "I make the best damn cornbread in the entire world! I dare anyone from England to challenge me. Mine is the best!!!" (all true lol)
You know what I mean UK.  Just get your edgy balls back to fearsomeness. You may be the best pencil sharpener in the world for all I know. hahaha  I know you pretend to be humble. But you need to beat on your chest like Tarzan for a few seconds. (j/k about the humility)
You may end up in my neighborhood. Lots of people move to Phoenix b/c of arthritis. Hope you aren't being distracted too much.

 

[mr.slurps]

Hiya UK,  Man, whenever I fall off the wagon and (nearly) abandon ship I miss you and this forum. Like casting swine (me) before pearls. (That was a lousy joke but I'm not going to cut it. lol)
So man have you gotten your swagger back?
Do you make the best yorkshire pudding in the world? Even my mother's lame version was delectable.
I swear man, sometimes you are the glue that holds this leaky boat together and keeps us from sinking. (That may qualify for a Mr. Slurp's metaphorical hall of fame. hahaha)
Tomorrow, no porn for 10 days. I feel like thumbing my nose at the basterds that push the porn pills.

 

[LetItGoAlready]

I am taking great encouragement from the fact that the last 14 days (that was the length of the 'streak') were relatively easy, and that I feel I have grown and developed my plan and my perspective, despite the outcome yesterday.

I'm really glad  to see that, despite the recent slip, you remain committed to your new regimen and perspective on recovery. It's an empowering feeling when you know you've found a workable strategy to manage the impulses and are no longer simply living in reaction to them. It's a proven road map you can come back to whenever you lose your way. As for your streak of 14 days, I think we're in agreement that it's the quality of your days clean that's important, not how many days you can string together at one go.

Keep up those positive feelings, UKGuy. You're doing great!

 

[workinprogressUK]

"There is no better than adversity. Every defeat, every heartbreak, every loss, contains its own seed, it's own lesson on how to improve your performance next time".

I know things have been up and down for you recently, UKG, and you may not feel much like posting, but you're one of the most inspirational and supportive people on the forum, so I wanted to send you some support back. I looked up "triumph over adversity", because that's what we're striving for. There are lots of amazing quotations out there from people who've achieved amazing things. This one from Malcolm X worked for me. You're a learning machine. Keep soaking-up life's lessons and come back stronger. Looking forward to you posting again when you feel ready, mate. 

 

[Andrew1973]

Thanks WIP - you are very kind and I appreciate the quote too.
I think sometimes this process, like many processes in life, is about excitement and inspiration at times, and at other times (arguably most of the times) it's about rolling your sleeves up and making things happen for a sustained period of time. Or in this case, keeping your hands out of your pants and stopping things from happening! That's where I am at the moment...just quietly trying to get on and put together a period of success. I vowed to myself to keep clean for the whole of October after a few slips recently, and so far, so good.
I am logging in and keeping an eye on developments and my brotherly love for you all remains strong, even though my posting may not currently be as prolific as in the past.
Thanks again and best wishes to all.
UKG
PS: Everton top of the league and Liverpool getting thrashed - does it get much better?

 

[Leonidas]

I knew there was a voice I've been missing from this forum of late.. glad you dropped by to share a word, UKGuy.  But isn't it great also, to not feel pressured to post and not feel the need to please others?  In a way, that can be liberating too... not to care too much.  And I believe this is healthy as sooner or later most of us will part ways from this online community... as sad as that seems.

Ah, football!  A distant passion from years past that's now a river run dry for me... but who knows if that will reawaken later.  Reminds me of an old legend, perhaps real or utterly made-up (we'll never know), that a trio of Englishmen were abroad when England's last 1994 World Cup qualifier game ultimately led to its disqualification.  Their angst and sorrow were apparently so great that between the three of them, drank in three days what the entire village drank in a month at the local pub!  The story made an impression on me back then, but again the sources are unverified and probably not too reliable... ;D

 

[Andrew1973]

Hi all,
Since the end of my successful 100 and odd day streak, I've been going sideways. A relapse every 7 or 10 days. Just in the last week or so it's got worse. I worked something out last week that has backfired badly. I observed that when I 'skirt' around porn, or just consume 'regular' non interactive porn the loop just continues for me - a relapse every week or so. I know from past experiences however that when I do something that really conflicts with my core values - usually interactive P / chat, that it leads to a shame driven period of longer abstinence. For some crazy reasoning I allowed such a situation to intentionally arise on Saturday, specifically to create that disruption to my recent status quo. The problem was that in doing so, I exposed myself to a new experience (video chat) that had significant 'novelty' value, a massive dopamine rush, and as a consequence my head and desire to consume has gone haywire. I am also fearful that this 'crack cocaine' of an experience will lead to more of the same. I am therefore here, 2nd day clean, to recommit to the struggle and total abstinence of PMO/skirting/fanaticising/etc.
Wishing you all well today and this week.
UKG

 

[Leonidas]

Well it's good to hear from you again!

I can imagine that all of what you describe is making you anxious about the future.  But it may help to remember this adage: non-linear recovery.  I think your example is a case in point of where things can go really, really well and then inexplicably turn back to the previous norm.  But the point is that you were able to put yourself above the unwanted behavioral patterns... therefore it's a state of being that is reproducible in the future.  Then there is the supposed theory of recovery that claims that this be a long term process taking 2 years minimum.  So is it just a question of putting in more time and just being patient?  I have an inkling this is so.

As for your fear that the experience was similar to a "crack cocaine" high, take care to keep fear escalation in check.  Excessive fear has a way of working its way back to fuel stress and anxiety which inevitably leads to the use of coping mechanisms.  As bad as the events that occurred to you may feel, the behaviors are NOT who you are.  So if you do relapse but practice not identifying yourself with the behaviors, you might harbor something akin to equanimity or self-compassion instead of fear.

Take care,

 

[Joel]

Good to hear from you, Guy. Shame not under better circumstances. I totally sympathise that you skirted/ couldn't quite let go, which stops the reboot happening as connections aren't severed.

And that there's a fetish that just makes you whoozy with dopamine - I have my weaknesses too. But the Dobber has all the answers, just work through the material and make sure you're staying visible and accountable - not necessarily to your spouse. Look forward to hearing about the first milestone.

 

[TheNorman]

Good to see you back UK. I know the circumstances aren't ideal, just like I know you will turn it around. Leo is right, don't let the fear create something bigger than it needs to be. We are all here for you!

 

[Andrew1973]

Well it's good to hear from you again!

I can imagine that all of what you describe is making you anxious about the future.  But it may help to remember this adage: non-linear recovery.  I think your example is a case in point of where things can go really, really well and then inexplicably turn back to the previous norm.  But the point is that you were able to put yourself above the unwanted behavioral patterns... therefore it's a state of being that is reproducible in the future.  Then there is the supposed theory of recovery that claims that this be a long term process taking 2 years minimum.  So is it just a question of putting in more time and just being patient?  I have an inkling this is so.

As for your fear that the experience was similar to a "crack cocaine" high, take care to keep fear escalation in check.  Excessive fear has a way of working its way back to fuel stress and anxiety which inevitably leads to the use of coping mechanisms.  As bad as the events that occurred to you may feel, the behaviors are NOT who you are.  So if you do relapse but practice not identifying yourself with the behaviors, you might harbor something akin to equanimity or self-compassion instead of fear.

Take care,

I really appreciate these worlds Leo. Full of wisdom and they resonate and reassure in equal measure. Thank you so much.

Joel, Norman... I won't say "it's good to be back", but you know what I mean.

Thanks guys.

 

[LetItGoAlready]

Hey UKGuy - Good to see you back on the board. We've all gone sideways. (Hell, I've gone in a complete circle ) This isn't where your story ends, though. You've had success at this before, and you will have it again. No question. Take care, friend.

 

[mr.slurps]

Hiya Pal,  Sorry I've been gone so long man.  I feel flat on my face and I'm back at square one, wanking for hours daily. I feel drained physically, emotionally and spiritually. On the "surface" I'm doing fine-- working, getting out as much as covid allows, meditating (I owe you a debt of gratitude on that.)
You can imagine I've had every crappy emotion under the sun- shame, disappointment, frustration...
So, where to go from here?
My good head says pick up the pieces and be thankful you have the opportunity to try again. (Without having had some tragedy or hurt some body else.)
The other head says things aren't that bad. Wanking is healthy. You've got a strong sex drive...blah blah blah (lots of other nonsense.)
The bottom line is that I don't want porn in my life at all. I know I don't need it since I've gone without for stretches and felt good about it.
Sorry for sounding like Debbie Downer.  I hope you're well and still building your numbers and your family is healthy.  Mr. Slurps

 

[Andrew1973]

Thanks Liga, and always nice to hear from you Mr S.

Today has been a good day - hopefully another inflection point (reference to the original title of this journal!)

I've meditated, read, listened to the Dobber (episode 240 Joel!) and had a great catch up with my accountability partner. I've also taken decisive action which will hopefully put some barriers between me and P. Specifically, I have asked my wife not just to control the access to the appstore on my phone with an extra passcode, but to actually load any apps I want herself and then give me the phone back with the controls back on. This closes a loop in me asking for her to unlock the appstore on the pretence of me needing an app (or updates) and then quickly downloading additional browsers/vpn etc myself before I give back to her to put the controls on. It will certainly give me some space to get some clear days under my belt I believe.

Feel good about today. A day towards recovery.

Best wishes all.

 

[J01]

Hope the new steps can move you onward-very glad to see you around here again.  Have a good cean day! 

 

[Andrew1973]

Cheers Jixu.

Pleased to report a clean week.

Onwards and upwards.

 

[Georgos]

So in Orwell's 1984 the prols were constantly being sent off to war whilst the party workers were busy making porn for them and Big Brother was watching everything. Sex became impossible for the party workers, whilst the prols enjoyed their porn, but had to fight abroad against one of the other four powers.

The fact that there were four powers was telling, it was a one world system, and one suspects that each of the powers operated in a very similar way.

So what is happening now. The Iraq war is over? The Jasmine movement that led to the Arab Spring and the collapse of Syria and Libya is over? Did these things even take place, we are being asked to question by Mr. Trump with his slogan of "fake news", it is all in our imagination is it, a dangerous thought.

COVID seems to mean many things to many people.

I remain committed to stopping PMO for my own benefit. Tomorrow is day one for me, having barely managed forty five minutes all day, such is the state of my binging off tobacco.

How are you doing UKGuy?

 

[Andrew1973]

Hi all,

Just a short note to wish all my old buddies a Happy Christmas and PMO free 2021!

I don't tend to come on here too often nowadays (I can relate to what Leon says about it almost being an addiction in itself and perpetuating porn in ones consciousness), but do check in from time to time and read the journals. Although I tend to focus on reading the journals of the 'old crew', it's good to see some new guys arriving on the scene too.

As for me, I'm pleased to report that I'm doing well. I am now on my 35th day clean, and feeling positive. I have mentioned before that I've been fortunate enough to strike up a support relationship with Shade Trenicin (30-39) outside of the forum. It's something that the Dobber talks about a lot and for me it's been a real help. The human connectivity - a real person, a face on a video call, understanding about different aspects of someone else's journey and broader life is really powerful in helping dissolve the shame of your own addiction. Plus the benefits of accountability, practical tip sharing etc...It's really empowering. And in doing so I've been able to form a friendship that's goes beyond PMO.

I share this to encourage others to consider doing the same in 2021. Part of the issue with PMO is the shame, and this awful taboo. The risk of linking up with someone outside of the cloak of anonymity...Eeeek! Well, there are various ways to connect more fully without giving away your identity if that's an issue for you. If there's someone on here that you feel a connection with - probably someone where you can help each other (otherwise it becomes a bit one sided), then my recommendation is to throw caution to the wind and go for it. What's the worse that can happen?

Anyway, thanks for everyone's support and interest in my journey during 2020 and wishing you and yours a peaceful holiday period and best wishes for the new year.

Cheers,

UK Guy / Andrew