Pushing back!

Chris Oz

Well-Known Member
Hey my name is Chris Oz. I'm a new member of rebootnation. I joined today in my quest to deal with this addiction. I believe it ruining my life changing my character and turning me into someone I hate.

I'm 23 years old and I believe I started porn around 11 or so. I got introduced into it by a neighbor's friend who was older than me. And seeing how it stimulated my body, I began using it more...
I am a student, technically. I have been struggling with porn since I was a kid around 12 years old. I think that's when I started noticing porn and hard real access to it. It became an issue more around 14. It's never really been a huge issue but since I became serious with my faith (I'm a Christian) it's been a huge thorn in my flesh.

I'm single and I'm technically still a virgin, lol. So I fantasize a lot. Porn almost ruined my life last year. It makes me lose myself and self-discipline. It has made me take actions that are outright immoral and it drives me far away from God.

All of this coupled with the potential risk of developing PIED led me to seek to end this with the support of helpful communities. I joined PAA(Porn Addict Anonymous) around February/March 2020 if memory serves me correctly and Reboot Nation about a month or two later.

I have had little victories and lots of setbacks since then but I have confidence

I am committed to stop this and get my life on track, join me on my journey!
 
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faenoe

Active Member
A warm welcome to you Chris! You will find a lot of support here in this community. I remember one of the most important things I learned when starting my recovery was understanding what porn is. Porn is ANY material or media that causes artificial sexual stimulation. With that as your measuring stick, it makes it a lot easier to avoid the slippery slope down to regret and relapse. Stay far away from anything on the internet that you view for sexual interest.

Best of luck to you on your journey!
 

Chris Oz

Well-Known Member
Thanks faenoe.

Unfortunately, I relapsed this morning. It was my 3rd day of sobrierity. And it was mostly because I lurked in my middle circle (danger zone) activities.

I believe doing one or two outer circle activities (safe zone) as a goal would help
 

Chris Oz

Well-Known Member
Day 1.
I'm doing great, had a big surprise for my cousin. Feeling stressed out and exhausted right now.
But today was awesome. Let me just try to sleep early
 
Thanks for the encouragement before Chris, it helped for sure. Getting past the first few days can be a tough first hurdle. Keep in mind your reasons for doing this and like you said try to stick to outer circle activities tends to help build the best results with time. It'll be good to see your progress from here. Cheers!
 

Chris Oz

Well-Known Member
Hey guys, so I lost this thread earlier, was trying to understand how to get it back to put some input in my journal. Thankfully, when I logged in today I saw it among the ones on top... Maybe because of a reply.

Anyways. I've been doing great. I don't know if I mentioned that I found a sobriety partner over here. It's nice go through this journey of recovery, figuring it out with someone.

It's Day 3.. For me. And I'd say I should be anxious.... In the last 7 relapses, about 5 of them has been on day 3....but Thankfully today has been free of urges, I  did my devotional today which always helps and rededicated myself to God....
I watched a movie too and I felt really great afterwards... It was a good movie. I love movies that show great levels of unselfishness. ( Outer circle activities)

I'd share my Boundaries with you guys tomorrow.

I realize I can't do this on my own. I need fellowship with both others and strength from above. I need to connect with a higher power than myself to conquer this.... And I find that in God.

So I hope to log in tomorrow with a great attitude thanking God for another 24 hours porn free.

Shout to humannature, keep fighting guys

Pushing back, Chris.
 

Chris Oz

Well-Known Member
Chris here, Day 5

So I'm at day 5. But I don't really feel great about it. My goal here is no PMO, no porn... I'm doing that to the best of my knowledge but I think I'm doing something worse.

Having masturbations are ok for me as far as I'm not doing it to porn or a moving material....

But I'm masturbating to something worse... And that's touch based masturbations. I mean I touch my cousin and feel her body while she's asleep and masturbate to it... It's so sickening. I feel like a horrible person. Gradually it's becoming an addiction.  It's hard to ignore the feeling and the voice at night when she's sleeping right beside me.

We play alot in the day time... which probably convinces me that I can at night. It's totally wrong I know. And that's why I need to stop completely, have more control.

I think porn addiction is trying to transform into something else...trying to come into my life in another way. It's probably me unconsciously finding an escape.
The funny thing is, as soon as I cum out... I stop. There's no further urge to continue.... Just like it used to be with porn.

I think this stems out of the fact that I have no sexual experience with women, never had a girlfriend and I'm a virgin.

May God help me. I think I'm gonna intensify my efforts through more prayers and time with God and try to take a cold bath maybe before sleeping. Have songs to distract my mind while I sleep; that helps. And sleep early..... This is the most important.

Mind you this is not something I want to run from, it's not something I should too. I need to own my own body... Cause running away would just lead to other problems in my future dating life and interaction with girls. I need to know how to have that control.. The more I win every night, the more it becomes a habit.. It feels more natural for me not to want to do so and I can sleep comfortably beside any woman without wanting to masturbate to her body. If I run from it and is faced with that situation with a someone attractive, then I'm in deep shit. So unlike porn, I'm going for control not running away.

Signing out...
Pushing back, Chris
 

Chris Oz

Well-Known Member
Day 6....Yeah.

So I'm getting less attracted to porn, my meditation with my Bible app and devotional plan is helping me out as well as the constant drive to do something important making me less idle during the day. And you know what that means for us, no time for porn.

The night is where I've got o fight more. And currently it's a different fight from the day time.

Yesterday night, with regard to what I posted about the touch based masturbation act, I tried to win it, but it didn't go as planned.
I was doing pretty well until mosquitoes woke me up... It was like they had a plan for me last night.... And funny enough the girl in question started giving me signals and body suggestions to start touching and caressing her.. She has a binge on it too. And poor me with no strong resolution, I dived in slowly an ended up regretting cause there was no real satisfaction. It was just me pleasing her for most of the night ND she didn't return the favour.

I don't really care much about that. I want to stop for both of our sakes. And I have to get stronger for both of us. I'm the older one. We've never fucked though and are never going to cause of our strong fear of pregnancy and fucked up incest but...we really just want stimulation.... For me I think it's just as a withdrawal from porn. It's exactly the same feeling I get from porn. I'm just masturbating to something else and something real.

Anyways, still have that fighting spirit. I'd be pushing back with all my might.

Pushing back!
Chris
 
Chris,

Hang in there, this thing distorts normal sexual behavior, desires, and standards. Keep pushing back. The only way to get out of this is through. "Mind you this is not something I want to run from..." you have a mindset you need in order to get through this thing. While what you've written about is concerning you seem aware that it isn't right and that you don't want to be doing it. My family had incest in it too and the sooner you get away from this behavior the better. Rely on God to show you the way, your own inner decency (which I believe is a connection to the divine) is telling you this is not behavior you want to continue. If it's possible to sleep in different rooms I'd say that's the next step to take to help combat this. It's a confusing and damaging thing, please be aware of that and take the action you can. It's up to you to say no and do what you know is right. I'm glad you found the thread again, and again keep pushing.
 

Rookie

Active Member
Greetings and welcome to the board. I'm a fellow Christian as well, and have fought and hated this sin for nearly 20 yrs...since the creation of high speed internet. Let's just be frank about this, it's going to have a strong, strong pull. Especially in the first 10 days.

If I can give a bit of advice, things that I have done, for the first part of my streak, cut off almost all internet, movies and mobile phone. If your cousin is a temptation, stay away. It's for her benefit as well. And you're right, this thing will turn you into something you're not.

The biggest things you can do, stay in your bible (I read between 4 - 12 chapters per day). Watch youtube videos from great preachers (Tim Conway, RC Sproul, Voddie Baucham, Steve Lawson, John MacArthur and the list goes on).

Keep yourself busy

And keep posting.
 

Chris Oz

Well-Known Member
Day 8 porn free

Didnt sleep very well last night.... Slept late.... Feeling headache.

Was feeling ill yesterday but better today.
Had some middle circle activity when I remembered a hilarious comedic movie with a little erotic content from my child hood and browsed to know of it was still on the internet. Found it but reminiscing a little bit and after a while just let it go.... And just did my next favourite thing... Check my online football manager game and my pals here in the fellowship.

Keep pushing back
Chris.
 

Chris Oz

Well-Known Member
Day 9

I had lusty thoughts today... But managed to control it.

Masturbation for me is alright once un a while. As far as you're not actively doing with a porn material or something.

Yesterday night, I had a really bad urge and almost gave in to porn... I thought I was gonna do it till I remembered that part of my measures to cope in this critical moments so as not to revert to porn use is to just go jerk off. I found that I at some point I had thoughts of past porn scenes coming in... But that didn't matter much... As soon as? had cum, the urge disappeared, I could think more straight and i hardly could even remember any of the little scenes that came into my head during it. Slowly they are fading away and the jet to continue that trend is not to allow myself freedom new porn material.

The reason why it happened majorly was because I had missed my meditation session through my devotional for that day;it's my way of connecting to my HP. And it seem the devil saw an opportunity to attack. And I only have myself to blame.

Today I haven't done so too... But I'd do it immediately I log out.

I pray for more success with sobrierity. Let's keep fighting.
 

quitforeverthenwin2

Well-Known Member
Keep up the good work man! Very good that you are aware of what led to that urge so that you can change it in the future. Keep doing what you are doing, more and more of the positive and you'll beat this!
 

Chris Oz

Well-Known Member
Day 12

Wow, I can't believe its been 3 days since I last posted. I almost gave up the day before yesterday

It's early morning on Sunday. I hope to stay clean and porn free. It's a new week.

I'm having lots of things to do this week.?Trainings I need to prepare for, which is going to probably make me stressed and a little reliant on porn.

But I'd trust in God.

I haven't done my devotional in two days now... It's like I'm setting myself up for failure.

I'd do it when I wake up later today. On the brightside I'm going to be watching some rebootnation videos about porn this night.  ;D

Keep pushing back!
Chris
 

Chris Oz

Well-Known Member
Day 13. I think I got the numbers wrong b4.... But it's alright

These past few days havent been easy but I'm still sober.
Haven't really been consistent with my devotional either but it's fairly Allright. We had a ice sermon with the house fellowship and I got to realize the value of prayers and God's intentions for his children. I feel blessed. A very demanding week ahead. I pray God gives me the strength to both fulfill my goals and also abstain from porn.

Keep pushing back!
Chris
 

Chris Oz

Well-Known Member
Day 0.

So it's been a while I posted. I relapsed today after 17 days porn  free.

I came across a porn video on my whatsapp status and even though I had the chance not to look, I ended up looking after little middle circle activities here and there deciding if I should; them wet to a porn site and drenched myself there for a while.

I have not really been strong these past few week..... Been very stressed.... No much sleep during the nights. Been busy too. Probably contributed to this... I wasn't even consistent with my devotional.

But on the other hand.... This is the first time I've been this clean for as long as I remember and it is great to see how I progressed.

I'd try to put more heart into this.... And keep pushing.

Pushing back!
Chris



 

J01

Active Member
Great job getting back on track!  Keep up with your devotions-that is crucial for direction and being fully-equipped.  He is merciful-keep going. 
 

Chris Oz

Well-Known Member
Thanks man.

Unfortunately I relapsed today again.
I feel numb to my spiritual side.

I'm gonna embark on fasting and prayers this week to help me out.

Also my online trainings are starting this week. I gotta stay strong and look forward.

I have to come back stronger and refocus myself on this journey and remember it's a fight. On why I need to quit this, I need to fully remember why I'm quitting.  That's where my conviction and my fight starts ftom

I also need to look at my boundaries again and note what needs to get out or come in... I need to track my circles with much more clarity and carefulness too.

I'm going to begin my daily counter differently..... In the from of a 90 day challenge. I know it's like I'm dreaming out of the blues.... But I want to use it to boost my journey and act as an anchor for my focus.... I want to do a couple of things daily everyday.... For the next 90 days no matter how my day goes.

After the challenge, I'd stop counting and just note when I became free..... Cause I believe I've broken free from the porn use mentality and lack of self control. But I realize that it's easy to  get back to those habits if not checked..... I am still a recovering addict.

So that's my update... My challenge starts tomorrow.

Keep pushing back!
Chris
 

Chris Oz

Well-Known Member
Day 1

Hehe...so I'm one day late on my 90 day challenge. I relapsed yesterday every early in the morning and it was so embarrassing for me to say I failed on the first day
 

kopp

Active Member
You're stronger than that brother. Block those websites! (ColdTurkey on computers, Blocksite app on phone)
 
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