Thanks guys. I'm learning from each one. I'm happy I was able to go farther than the last time. Hoping to double the time or even break free completely this time. I'm just going to keep doing what I can.
About my last relapse
One strange thing about it was that I didn't relapse because of a trigger of any sort. I relapsed because I felt empty and like I wanted to do it. It seemed like that if I didn't do it, I wouldn't be complete. I know they are all lies but in the moment, it just seemed like that was what could fill me up or make me alive. This time was a little different and I don't know if anyone experiences such.
My heart didn't race, I just worked against my own recovery by myself unlike other relapses. It's not the first time it's happening. It's happened before.
Also I've noticed that my relapses always coincides with my time away from my devotions. Whenever I miss maybe a day or two. That's when the devil strikes so hard and I relapse. About 75 percent of my relpase are in times that I get caught up with work or something and I postpone my devotions. But it's hard to stay consistent. Very hard for me. I always slack off after a while and then catch up later.
These two things are just ringing in my head and I'm trying to see how I can find a way to handle this in my next stride in recovery. If you have and ideas, suggestions or experiences with this...please share, would love to hear them.
Then lastly, I am sincerely sorry for seeming like a hypocrite with my advice and encouragements. I don't know why but it seems like anytime I say something bold, encouraging on the forum, or in other journals, I get a backlash of urges just to make me relpase and seem hypocritical. It's very annoying, it's like the devil is trying to make me mute. And it actually makes me feel like I shouldn't say much on my journal or share myself with others, that I'd just be making a fool of myself. After each relapse it actually takes a load of courage to admit it because of them, but I make sure I admit my failings cause that's the only way I can get to see what's wrong and get better. If I don't, I don't know how I'm going to get better.
So from the bottom of my heart I apologise for seeming that way. It's never my intention. I humbly believe in the things I say.
Tomorrow's day 1 again and I'm looking forward to having the best day 1 ever
Keep pushing back guys!