Pushing back!

Do or die

Respected Member
Congrats chris now you also able to get back on your track immediately after any relapse. So now you knows that relapse is only a difficult stage in your reboot journey, it never affect your dream of rebooted life.
 

Chris Oz

Well-Known Member
Alright, will check it out.

Day 3

I'm having a good day. I probably slept too much today. Had some few cues and urges. But I was able to displace them as soon as they came. Feeling good today.
I'm gonna go read some articles on pin bars and play a monopoly game.(very much less addictive). Have a good weekend ;D

Keep pushing back guys
 

Jeks

Well-Known Member
Nice job chris. Dont let any fantasies get to you. There is no room for that anymore in you head.
 

Chris Oz

Well-Known Member
Today while sharing some posts about  the bible on reddit. I stumbled upon a group that seemed like a Christian group but it was just a bunch of people posting pornographic content,nudes and putting tags that mocked and blasphemed against God and the Christianity religion.

I couldn't believe my eyes, I was in shock. I know I've come across some of  this kind of showing in normal porn sites. But this was just too bizarre and real and direct. It hurt.

I came from shock to being carried away by a part of me reacting to the pics and, I got a boner even. It lasted for like 2 or 3 minutes and then I kind of became angry, normally it might have led to me going down the rabbit hole but this time was different, I just was put off by it and my erection died. I ran away from there feeling disgusted a little bit. And I just never want to be involved in this addiction again. It hurts that people are hurting God. I was really put off by what I saw.

I pray that God heals me and then use me to bring salvation to folks like that who are blaspheming against God knowingly or not. Porn I realise is really evil.

 

Chris Oz

Well-Known Member
But before my last message happened,

I had a sex dream where I relapsed at night. Woke up to and noise. Slept again after trying for a while. Woke up and was so bored and tired I wanted to sex text. I ended up in an anonymous website where I just conversed with someone like a normal human being. We talked about our pets, anime and the pandemic. It was great stuff. Really enjoyed it. I think I've got a new friend now.

Keep pushing back guys, porn is not an option.
 

Chris Oz

Well-Known Member
Day 4

Feeling a little bit terrible right now
Been reading some articles till 1am.. I gotta go sleep right now. Already feeling kinda horny a lil bit. God help me :(
 

Chris Oz

Well-Known Member
Flying in fair weather now. Gotta watch out though. Today has been a relapse day in the past two tries
 

akpal2

Well-Known Member
The first 2 weeks are usually the toughest Chris.. especially the first week just brute force through it. Every progressive weekngets better but hang in there buddy.
 

Chris Oz

Well-Known Member
Day 6
Had minor sex thoughts during the day. But most of my day was occupied. Hoping to have a sound sleep this night.
 

akpal2

Well-Known Member
that's good progress. I also notice that once you are able to cross a day like your Day 5 with intense cravings without giving in, then the next few days go by easier. Well done.
 

akpal2

Well-Known Member
Crap, sorry to hear that. Don't let the chaser effect get you. Get back up Chris. You can do it buddy.
 

Phineas 808

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
Chris, you know what I see?

I see a man who does not give up, you come here in honesty and admit your failings as well as your successes.

Please...don't be too hard on yourself. Get dead-dog serious? Hell (or heaven) yeah! But, know this: you're already forgiven of all your sins.

Use grace to dust yourself off, look these shadows in the eye, and chase them off with the light!

See what's working for you, and what's working against you. Dig down deep and find the resolve that will help in making necessary changes.

Walking with you, beside you, in the light.
 

Chris Oz

Well-Known Member
Thanks guys. I'm learning from each one. I'm happy I was able to go farther than the last time. Hoping to double the time or even break free completely this time. I'm just going to keep doing what I can.

About my last relapse

One strange thing about it was that I didn't relapse because of a trigger of any sort. I relapsed because I felt empty and like I wanted to do it. It seemed like that if I didn't do it, I wouldn't be complete. I know they are all lies but in the moment, it just seemed like that was what could fill me up or make me alive. This time was a little different and I don't know if anyone experiences such.

My heart didn't race, I just worked against my own recovery by myself unlike other relapses. It's not the first time it's happening. It's happened before.

Also I've noticed that my relapses always coincides with my time away from my devotions. Whenever I miss maybe a day or two. That's when the devil strikes so hard and I relapse. About 75 percent of my relpase are in times that I get caught up with work or something and I postpone my devotions. But it's hard to stay consistent. Very hard for me. I always slack off after a while and then catch up later.

These two things are just ringing in my head and I'm trying to see how I can find a way to handle this in my next stride in recovery. If you have and ideas, suggestions or experiences with this...please share, would love to hear them.

Then lastly, I am sincerely sorry for seeming like a hypocrite with my advice and encouragements. I don't know why but it seems like anytime I say something bold, encouraging on the forum, or in other journals, I get a backlash of urges just to make me relpase and seem  hypocritical. It's very annoying, it's like the devil is trying to make me mute. And it actually makes me feel like I shouldn't say much on my journal or share myself with others, that I'd just be making a fool of myself. After each relapse it actually takes a load of courage to admit it because of them, but I make sure I admit my failings cause that's the only way I can get to see what's wrong and get better. If I don't, I don't know how I'm going to get better.

So from the bottom of my heart I apologise for seeming that way. It's never my intention. I humbly believe in the things I say.

Tomorrow's day 1 again and I'm looking forward to having the best day 1 ever

Keep pushing back guys!
 
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