Congrats chris now you also able to get back on your track immediately after any relapse. So now you knows that relapse is only a difficult stage in your reboot journey, it never affect your dream of rebooted life.
I'm having a good day. I probably slept too much today. Had some few cues and urges. But I was able to displace them as soon as they came. Feeling good today.
I'm gonna go read some articles on pin bars and play a monopoly game.(very much less addictive). Have a good weekend ;D
Today while sharing some posts about the bible on reddit. I stumbled upon a group that seemed like a Christian group but it was just a bunch of people posting pornographic content,nudes and putting tags that mocked and blasphemed against God and the Christianity religion.
I couldn't believe my eyes, I was in shock. I know I've come across some of this kind of showing in normal porn sites. But this was just too bizarre and real and direct. It hurt.
I came from shock to being carried away by a part of me reacting to the pics and, I got a boner even. It lasted for like 2 or 3 minutes and then I kind of became angry, normally it might have led to me going down the rabbit hole but this time was different, I just was put off by it and my erection died. I ran away from there feeling disgusted a little bit. And I just never want to be involved in this addiction again. It hurts that people are hurting God. I was really put off by what I saw.
I pray that God heals me and then use me to bring salvation to folks like that who are blaspheming against God knowingly or not. Porn I realise is really evil.
I had a sex dream where I relapsed at night. Woke up to and noise. Slept again after trying for a while. Woke up and was so bored and tired I wanted to sex text. I ended up in an anonymous website where I just conversed with someone like a normal human being. We talked about our pets, anime and the pandemic. It was great stuff. Really enjoyed it. I think I've got a new friend now.
Thanks guys. I'm learning from each one. I'm happy I was able to go farther than the last time. Hoping to double the time or even break free completely this time. I'm just going to keep doing what I can.
About my last relapse
One strange thing about it was that I didn't relapse because of a trigger of any sort. I relapsed because I felt empty and like I wanted to do it. It seemed like that if I didn't do it, I wouldn't be complete. I know they are all lies but in the moment, it just seemed like that was what could fill me up or make me alive. This time was a little different and I don't know if anyone experiences such.
My heart didn't race, I just worked against my own recovery by myself unlike other relapses. It's not the first time it's happening. It's happened before.
Also I've noticed that my relapses always coincides with my time away from my devotions. Whenever I miss maybe a day or two. That's when the devil strikes so hard and I relapse. About 75 percent of my relpase are in times that I get caught up with work or something and I postpone my devotions. But it's hard to stay consistent. Very hard for me. I always slack off after a while and then catch up later.
These two things are just ringing in my head and I'm trying to see how I can find a way to handle this in my next stride in recovery. If you have and ideas, suggestions or experiences with this...please share, would love to hear them.
Then lastly, I am sincerely sorry for seeming like a hypocrite with my advice and encouragements. I don't know why but it seems like anytime I say something bold, encouraging on the forum, or in other journals, I get a backlash of urges just to make me relpase and seem hypocritical. It's very annoying, it's like the devil is trying to make me mute. And it actually makes me feel like I shouldn't say much on my journal or share myself with others, that I'd just be making a fool of myself. After each relapse it actually takes a load of courage to admit it because of them, but I make sure I admit my failings cause that's the only way I can get to see what's wrong and get better. If I don't, I don't know how I'm going to get better.
So from the bottom of my heart I apologise for seeming that way. It's never my intention. I humbly believe in the things I say.
Tomorrow's day 1 again and I'm looking forward to having the best day 1 ever