Pushing back!

Chris Oz

Well-Known Member
I love my readings today. I see God's hand in my life. And I am glad I am sane enough to open the door for Him to come in and dine with me, bringing peace and freedom with Him.

I read about the Insanity that comes with trying to validate the first drink in the big book, just like that the first view with a relapse for us porn addict. How much we addicts try to use will and feel like with sheer will we can overcome the addition. Will doesn't do it and self knowledge of how the addiction is working in us doesn't either. Only the spiritual reconnection to a higher power through the program can help bring me to sanity.

It's not a shameful thing to say I am weak against my addiction. I realize I have an illness- an illness I can't fight with willpower, just like Parkinson's disease or cancer.

But thankfully there's a medication for my illness tht can help me recover if I take them. I realize that now.

I am powerless and I am an addict, and only through the continuous working of the 12 step program and steps do I get better and become able to live a free and full life.

Wishing everybody a sober day, keep pushing back!
 

Chris Oz

Well-Known Member
Today I offer myself to thee to use me as He wills. I ask that He helps me to act in love to my fellows, to make good decisions, to learn, to follow my program.

I'm thankful for the help I had this morning waking up from a sex dream.

Thankful for this Forum and my fellowship. Thankful for my willingness to believe and submit to a Higher power greater than myself in God.

Wishing everyone a great day
Keep pushing back!
 

Chris Oz

Well-Known Member
Thankful for my day and how God restrained me from saying the wrong things to a friend of mine. I'm glad of how sensitive I am to others pain and the things He is leading me to do. I feel His guidance

Today I re-watched part of a movie and it helped me look at my addiction in retrospect.

An excerpt I loved was,

“ My dillusions are not gone, they are still there, peharps they always will be. But I have learnt to ignore them, and so they have kind of given up on me. I guess it's like everything else, you have to feed something for it to stay alive (in the realest sense.)

2nd Speaker: But they still hunt you, don't they?

1st Speaker: Yes they do. But they are my past, and everybody's hunted by their past. (It doesn't make me any less different)”

This spoke to me and I hope it did for you too.

The movie is "A beautiful mind" if you would like to watch it sometime.

Have a blessed and sober day guys!
 

Chris Oz

Well-Known Member
Had an anxious morning of some sort. Found myself trying to relieve the mindless pattern that normally lead me to porn. But I used a note I had dropped earlier reminding me of where those patterns led to incase I find myself doing that, which helped me. So I am thankful for God's help this morning

In my readings today in the Big book,I found myself a little bit aroused to the mention of sex causes and issues. But still I learnt a lot and now know that I need to surrender myself to a right ideal of sex and ask that God help me as I discover that, also asking that God gives me the strength and clarity to live to those ideals.

I recognize again that others alike are as sick as I am. And there will always be others, who spiritually sick will try to hurt me. In those cases, I only need to surrender to Gods will for me to help them and be of help in those instances by not being resentful in any way.

Thankful for another day sober, wishing everyone the same.
 

Chris Oz

Well-Known Member
Glad to be here Do.

Hey Chris, porn addict,
Been feeling shitty this morning a bit, just trying to reflect on a relapse this morning. Thankfully, I got talking with a friend here and he helped me figure out some things, and get back in the path of recovery.

I saw that I felt mostly shame whenever I wanted to reach out and for me, even though I wanted to, I kept feeling like I'm a weak person and feeling like I'd be judged for always being the one to come online asking for help. I felt that since my triggers come at night, that'd I'd just be disturbing someone's sleep with my struggles. And I know now that, it's just all in my head. These thoughts is trying to lead me to the Insanity of going back to porn.

I do not want to feel this way whenever I reach out, that's because I know that we all struggle and no one is going to judge me. If this is my way of staying on my feet, then that's alright.

Thankful for this space, enabling me to share my thoughts.

Keep pushing back Everyone!
 

Redalc

Active Member
Glad to be here Do.

Hey Chris, porn addict,
Been feeling shitty this morning a bit, just trying to reflect on a relapse this morning. Thankfully, I got talking with a friend here and he helped me figure out some things, and get back in the path of recovery.

I saw that I felt mostly shame whenever I wanted to reach out and for me, even though I wanted to, I kept feeling like I'm a weak person and feeling like I'd be judged for always being the one to come online asking for help. I felt that since my triggers come at night, that'd I'd just be disturbing someone's sleep with my struggles. And I know now that, it's just all in my head. These thoughts is trying to lead me to the Insanity of going back to porn.

I do not want to feel this way whenever I reach out, that's because I know that we all struggle and no one is going to judge me. If this is my way of staying on my feet, then that's alright.

Thankful for this space, enabling me to share my thoughts.

Keep pushing back Everyone!
Don’t hesitate to reach out. Ever. Even in the late night. That’s the good thing about this forum is that it’s got people from all different time zones so you never know when somebody could be online able to help out.
 

Chris Oz

Well-Known Member
Thanks Redlac. I see now that it's just my mind rationalizing things and leading me to want porn. That rationale didn't hold ant water at all.

Yesterday was a bit of a low for me. I really struggled with anger in the later part of the day because of what a friend did. I asked God to help me with the emotions, and I just let that emotion wash over me and lead me to sleep it off. I'm thankful I didn't act on it.

Today I feel different a little bit, more at ease, more clear minded. And I can approach my day in a much more clear way.

I offer my will to Him, my creator, to free me from my selfish inhibitions and lead me to do His will today. I am learning everyday that it's not always about me. And the more I offer myself to Him, the more peace I gain.

Keep pushing back y'all!
 

Chris Oz

Well-Known Member
Today I have been a little triggered. Woke up from a sex dream, was kind of staring at girls wearing some clothes that were a little just a little revealing at school. And my porn mind was trying to open up the rest. I didn't really dwell on it. But was distracted whenever I got in contact with someone who was looking sexy.

I haven't really done my readings today. But I'd do that as soon as possible...

Thanks guys for being here.
Keep pushing back!
 

Chris Oz

Well-Known Member
Today I am thankful for a loving God and all the things He keep doing for me. I'm thankful for Him helping me avert a huge problem at school with my course registration.

I'm also thankful that He helped me not to have a relapse yesterday when I had a triggering moment with a girl I had been chatting with. I had asked her for her Instagram handle but on going there I couldn't find any posts and told her about it, so she offered to share some pics; some of the pics she shared were really triggering and what's worse is that this girl happens to be a minor. I'm grateful I was able to surrender the urge to obsess and maybe even PMO to them or be led to porn. I'm also thankful she's an international friend I have never met before so there's no chance of it spiralling into something physical.

Today I face a very anxious meeting ahead and I ask God for the grace to be calm and follow His leading.

Wishing everyone a great day!

3 days clean
 

Redalc

Active Member
One day at a time man. Make a new determination each day, and don’t get stuck on lasting forever. Just one day at a time will turn into forever.
 

Chris Oz

Well-Known Member
Relapsed last night. Had a really stressful day yesterday that led me to not observe some of my rules. And I slipped, I freaking wanted to feel something. Didn't even want to reach out at the time, just thought about it...

My Shame wanted to pull me away from the forum and just ignore my step work and the community for a while but, I am here submitting my will and myself to the community and God.
 

Jeks

Well-Known Member
Hey chris,

just keep trying, just keep mentally engaged with this topic. Porn is super tough to let go of, some people who are involved in drug use even claim its harder to stop using than cocaine and what not.
So what i am trying to say is, dont give yourself up because of relapses, because it is just the reality of it, that it is that tough to beat. But also give it the importance and the commitment it needs and deserves. It is not just as hard as stopping hardcore drugs, it is also just as dangerous to your life and well-being. So try to treat it the same as you would with cocaine and stuff like that.
 

Phineas 808

Well-Known Member
Good job, Chris, on coming to this forum despite the lapses. In the moment, it's hard to follow rules when habit wants to take over... Rules are good, but are not enough to overcome the power of habit. Only until the habit itself is addressed can you begin to have power over it...

You, and you alone are ultimately in control. Neither stress nor rules can make you fall or make you succeed. Find that space in between urge and response, and regain your power.
 

wwalker19

Active Member
Hey Chris, keep pushing. I have incredible respect for you that despite the relapses, you never give up or quit. That attitude guarantees that you will find success.

That being said, all I can suggest is keep trying to block access so it is not easily accessible, and put effort into improving you life. I have noticed that between these two things, porn becomes much less difficult to struggle with if it is difficult to access and I am feeling fulfilled. Not to say it is a breeze, but it helps. Try being social, staying busy. dive into your hobbies if you have the free time.

Keep at it man.
 
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