My journal, my friend

EarthWalker

Active Member
Got a panic attack last night. I talked to some friend. She said that sometimes when things leave the body it can be painful... I am thinking and it resonates to some degree that this panic attack/anxiety is just part of the healing process... Body is processing stuff. Felt like sharing.

EW

 

imsorrynotsorry

Active Member
Hey guys,

a short update of things.

The anxiety part is there. I accepted it as a state i'm in right now and i'm helpless. I want to confront future panic attacks with calmness and trust that everything will be good in the end. Focus on my breathing and slowly stroke something with my hand or foot and move it simultaniously to my breathing.
Last week i was in a long and weird tunnel building. It's part of my job. It was dark and cold and in the front and the back long view of tunnel. Very uncomfortable to me. I felt it coming up, some panic feelings. Then said to myself, everything is good, trust the building to be strong, trust my feet to stand strong. Like 'everything is okay, enjoy life a bit'. Letting all the worrying go and just be there.

PMO-wise nothing happened. Usual reboot routine. Exercising, meditating.

@EarthWalker:
I just slice the ginger into any kind of tea. Sometimes i use it two times.
The power posing i do in the morning for 2 min. 4 different poses for around 30s do the trick, that's it.

Day 335:
Urge to PMO 0,9/10
Libido 7/10
Beer consumption 5/10
Chocolade 6/10
Morning wood 5/10
 

imsorrynotsorry

Active Member
Hey guys,

This sunday anxiety came back when i was walking with my GF. We had to stop and i had to go home immediately.
At home i laid down and checked what is wrong with me.

At first i had to find something that is helping, so i turned to PMR (progressive muscle relaxation). I do that every dax now for 30 days to see if it helps. I think it does, because it's giving me some kind of easyness back. I will stop my diet and morning routine to do PMR every morning and maybe evening, also while on a train.

I also figured out where it's coming from. Not that PMO related i guess. I feel emotionally overwhelmed by my GF and the situation that we have trouble to get her pregnant. Two seperate things. I need more space to breath immediately, so i told her about where it's coming from without blaming anyone. I just need to make space, like using the elbows to break free of stuff. This is a huge step in learning about myself and what is going wrong at the moment with myself, my behaviour in situations and in life in general.
Some PMO thoughts came up, like 'maybe anxiety goes away when PMOing'. You see, the addiction always finds its way.

Will get back to you soon.

Imsor
 

EarthWalker

Active Member
Hi, Imsor.

Huge respect for diving deep to the root causes. I feel like 99% of our problems are emotional. PMO is just a band-aid at the surface level.

I came across this guy again. I think you already know this part. But I found it relevant for myself, maybe you will find it helpful. About the I vs You messages.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?t=1140&v=rRfV8sKuiGw

edit: Thank you for the posing info.

Good luck
EW
 

imsorrynotsorry

Active Member
Hey EarthWalker,

I must add a thing. Effectively it's true. When some things leave the body/soul it can be a trigger to a panic attack. The uncertainty of the new way to go is just overwhelming. The good thing is, it's a positive panic attack. It can be a huge motivation to make it better.

Thank you soooo much for that video, really. Just the fact that you thought of me is a very warm and nice thought that fills me for today. I'm just not in a good place with my anxiety.

I have to quick-sum what he said:
- using i-messages to quickly get space
- metacognition: thinking about thinking to slow down thoughts
- imagine the reaction of somebody else or watch the reactions of other people
- pause and ask yourself 'what is bothering me right now?'
- thinking traps (disstorted thought patterns): negative filtering, predicting the future on past experiences
- imparatives: should, must, have to -> use 'prefer'
- improve on empathy for the self

I will try to implement as good as i can for the next days and see how it is going. For me, i-messages and predicting the future from the past is very useful.

Thanks for sharing EarthWalker. I didn't know Daniel Schonbuch.
 

Maglue

Active Member
Hey buddy, how old are you?
Do you think you will stay long term with the girlfriend?

For me personally I had nothing to argue about in relationships but the last girl who was super attractive did and we fought... and it turned me off so much that I broke it up...
How do you deal with it all?
 

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
imsorrynotsorry said:
Hey EarthWalker,

I must add a thing. Effectively it's true. When some things leave the body/soul it can be a trigger to a panic attack. The uncertainty of the new way to go is just overwhelming. The good thing is, it's a positive panic attack. It can be a huge motivation to make it better.

Thank you soooo much for that video, really. Just the fact that you thought of me is a very warm and nice thought that fills me for today. I'm just not in a good place with my anxiety.

I have to quick-sum what he said:
- using i-messages to quickly get space
- metacognition: thinking about thinking to slow down thoughts
- imagine the reaction of somebody else or watch the reactions of other people
- pause and ask yourself 'what is bothering me right now?'
- thinking traps (disstorted thought patterns): negative filtering, predicting the future on past experiences
- imparatives: should, must, have to -> use 'prefer'
- improve on empathy for the self

I will try to implement as good as i can for the next days and see how it is going. For me, i-messages and predicting the future from the past is very useful.

Thanks for sharing EarthWalker. I didn't know Daniel Schonbuch.


Hi Imsor,

It's at the same time so great to see the leaps & bounds you've been making in your journey as well as saddening to hear of some of your recent problems with anxiety/panic attacks. Personally I haven't had one for some time and I handled them poorly when I did, but perhaps it might be helpful to look at this similar to the way we look at urges. Are there any triggers? What thoughts are usually running through your head when it happens? Any identifiable distortions or negative thought loops? Have you been engaging in anticipating thought patterns? By that I mean focusing emotional energy on problems in the future that haven't happened yet and may not?

Don't forget to try some simple breathing exercises too! That is if you're not doing that already.

Once again, sorry to hear of the difficulties you've been having. In a way i'm happy for you though as you're in a position now where you can clearly tackle these issues head on rather than having to feel them out amongst the perpetual fog of PMO addiction.

Keep up the good work!
 

imsorrynotsorry

Active Member
Hello guys,

i'm getting back to you as i feel i'm out of hell again.

The panic/anxiety attacks got better. At first, i have no idea what is the cause of this. Maybe it's the problem i'm having with my GF not getting pregnant and i'm scared and frustrated of never going to be father, maybe it's the pandemic situation where i feel powerless, no matter what we do we are sliding in lockdown number 3 in Germany. Maybe it's some work related stress i'm not processing right. In the end, it must be a combination of all those three.
When it happens i immediately feel depersonalized, like "out of my body", heart rate is going up, i'm looking for a "flee option". Last time it happend was friday one week ago. I was waiting for a friend on a metro station. Being underground, waiting for a train to arrive to drive into more tunnels wasn't a situation where i'm comfortable at. Anyway, if you educate yourself about panic/anxiety you will learn, that Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) is the best way to go and the best thing is to not avoid situations in which one feels uncomfortable. I quickly turned myself into those situations again and again to help my amygdala (brain thing) to learn, that those sitations are not scary. This was one thing.
The second thing i learned is, that autogenic training is helping a lot. So i downloaded two apps and i'm trying to do that as often as i can. One is progressive muscle relaxation and the other is autogenic training. Great stuff. It's an easy way to relax so deeply in an unknown way. The "letting go of all tension in the body"-experience is helping to relax the brain as well. I understand now how people with mental illnesses feel. One last thing, running exercise is hugely helping me.

That's for that. In PMO terms, the panic/anxiety affects me a lot. A lot of PMO thoughts came up again, some images aswell. I found myself browsing for women clothes and then i knew, PMO urge is back, but PMO is no option, no way. It was the psychic stress and maybe because i was alone over the weekend. It added up but i could hold PMO down. Anyway, the urge to O was there and it wasn't going away. When the GF came back she told me about her not feeling good, physically. I'm not proud of it, but i want to be honest with you guys. I MO'd for the first time in almost a year. I felt it coming and it's okay for today. I remembered other guys in here posting how the pressure is coming up and i can say from reading the posts that they will eventually relapse. It felt like that with me this time. Anyway, i'm okay with it and i want to have peace with it.
The GF not feeling good physically is still a thing, so i'm trying to help her as best as i can.

Even tough i quitted my diet plan i have high libido and i would like to have sex with the GF. It's not happening right now and i will accept that.

It's 10 days to reach 365 days of PMO free life. You see, PMO is still testing and tempting me.

Day 355:
Urge to PMO 5/10
Libido 8/10
Beer consumption 4/10
Chocolade 6/10
Morning wood 6/10
 

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
Hi Imsor

Glad to hear things are getting better in regards to the recent troubles with anxiety. It sounds like you've gleaned some valuable insight into potential 'antecedents' & feelings behind this as well as some coping strategies which is great!

Perhaps i'm wrong but I feel one MO in the space of a year is probably not going to have that bad an effect on your well-being. The only thing I would watch out is any potential chaser effect given the current focus on PMO at the moment. Which can be managed by just making sure to be aware & on chaser alert for the next few days. I'm afraid I can't remember what rules (if any) you have around MO but I think the decision you made is far better than PMO.

I am sensing there's a certain amount of anxiety about this recent brush with the browsing for womens clothes & all that but I think it is worth remembering that you were exposed to cues, you stopped & remembered in the moment PMO is no longer an option to you, and you did something else instead. I would take that as another victory.

It's crazy to think it's been almost a year. Any plans to celebrate your one year milestone?
 

imsorrynotsorry

Active Member
hey guys,

thanks Orbiter for that reminder. It was all under control, but i know now that it was the same situation over and over again: The GF leaving the house for a few days, leaving me alone with myself. For the future i know that this is a potentially different situation.

Since my last post i'm feeling so much better and there were no signs of anxiety anymore. I think for that there are many reasons. I don't want to go deeper into that, because yesterday was an important day for me:

On the 29th of March 2020 i started my reboot and reached now a whole year of no-PMO.
What do i think about that?
In terms of PMO i feel very good and stable. Even though the last year was rough in different ways, the pandemic, the relationship with my GF and some work related stress i managed to stay away from PMO.
How likely is it that i PMO again soon?
I like to think that it's unlikely, because of my understanding that PMO doesn't help me to reach my goals. PMO is holding me back. But, the addiction is something that never goes away and it is waiting for a situation in which it can get back to me. I'll need awareness, also in the future.
What does it need to make me PMO again?
I have developed very strong opinions about PMO and i live up to them very disciplined. It needs a great pain that i would like to throw them over board again.
Did PMO fill a hole which now feels empty?
In a way yes. This tiny little hole called supernormal stimulus, can't be filled with normal stimuli. But: I have learned to value normal sex and normal stimuli again and i underestimated that this can also be a very good thing, which is by the way healthy.

From my first post from last year:
All the time i still managed to do 10-20 days without P. I thought, opening only one tab and one video is not inducing the P-relevant issues. And i handled it like 'you don't have to forbid it yourself, you can do it whenever you want, it?s not relevant to do it today or in 10 days, because if you want to, you?ll do it'.
Today, i would like to think that this thought is completely wrong. Sadly i'm not exactly at that point, but that?s my goal to get there. I know now, that this mechanism is like keeping a flower by only giving her less water. It mustn't grow much, but it will keep alive as long as i give some drops of water (this is like a f***** cactus in the desert). I realised that, because the symptoms on the one hand got better, but didn't go away.
The good thing is, i know now that using PMO is not okay. There is no reasonable excuse for doing it. A hard truth to learn.

SO, i decided for a fresh start, becoming myself again. I'm looking at my daycount, which says 29 today, but i would like to think that this is not important. I had so many relapses in so many strange moments. The triggers will come, the urges will come and i want to keep the focus on those moments. Do you know these moments, when your brain is telling you all of a sudden 'it is totally ok to masturbate right now'? In the past i was completely powerless against those thoughts. They were so strong, that i thought 'hey, it can't be that bad if it feels like a natural urge' and in a way it is, i guess. But for me, the natural urge and the addictive urge - i can't seperate them. I?ve never learned how to, because i PMO?d before i actually was with a girl. This is why i want the addictive urges to decrease. This works better without doing anything right now
I'm still counting days, but that's ok.
Happily these exact thoughts, in which your brain is telling you that PMO is totally ok, never came back that strong. I think the reason for that is the self education about it. The more i learned the physics behind it, the more i understood that thoughts not always result from free will and personality. Addiction causes thoughts to be realistic and manipulate your own cinvictions about your life. With that in mind, the strength of these thoughts diminished.

All in all i have a strong confidence in my body again. Most of the time 'he' works, i have a lot of morning wood and the symptoms of the addiction aren't present anymore. Do i feel like i'm cured? Let's call it maybe. It wasn't long ago, when i had trouble to perform in bed with my GF when she really wanted to have sex to have her pregnant, but i found a way to manage that aswell. I'm very thankful for being here, knowing people can help me here, understanding me. Especially i want to thank Gabe Deem for hosting this (support him via Patreon), bilbobaggins+EarthWalker+Orbiter as my fellows from my very first days i guess. Thank you guys and all the other members in here so much, really appreciated some of your insights and thoughts, that helped me go through all of this.

Day 366:
Urge to PMO 2/10
Libido 7/10
Beer consumption 5/10
Chocolade 5/10
Morning wood 6,5/10
 

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
Congratulations for 1 year clean Imsor! It makes me happy to see the benefits you are reaping finally living a life free from PMO. Your hard work, attitude & dilligence are an example for us all.

Hope you have some great plans to celebrate. You've earned it!
 

EarthWalker

Active Member
Awesome work man! Congratulations on 1 year! I am very happy for you.

I love the patience you have. In a few years you will look back and just be like...who was this guy?

Seeing you free from P

Wish you well
EW

 

imsorrynotsorry

Active Member
Thank you guys.

I want to add a thing, because i just recently finished reading a book from a psychologist. He is talking about sense in life in general and what it is that keeps us going. It can differ for everyone, but for me there are some pillars that support my willpower.

I want to be PMO free because ...
1. i want my body to behave normal again and react to normal stimulus, have normal sex
2. i don't want to hide my addiction to my GF anymore and feel pathetic about it. It's unfair to her
3. i don't want to become a parent one day that is seeking for P on the internet

If i turned it around and say, if i would never become a father, have no GF and must not hide my addiction to anyone, because i'm a alone, then all the good reasons to stay away from PMO would be gone. And if then something would come up like frustration in the job, a disease or whatever it would be highly likely to go for PMO again.
In conclusion there must be one or more good reasons to stay away from PMO and they are my motivation. It's my job that those reasons are things i really desire and exist in my life.

Next step is to hit 400 days and then see what comes next for me.

Happy easter to anybody
Imsor
 
Congratulations on the year. I imagine you find yourself of one year ago much different of you current self. The points you raise are spot on. You have your goals crystal clear, and that will keep you on track. Wishing you all the best and a happy Easter.
Recov
 
Hey Imsor,

Realised that I've been reading your journal for some time now but have never posted!

Firstly, well done on making it to the one year mark - that is certainly no mean feat.  Looking back on your very first post (as you also did recently), our recovery 'journeys' started at similar times (for me, it was September 2011) and the decision to get rid of P was brought on for similar reasons (issues in the bedroom area).  It's good that you've taken the time out to reflect on your past year too as it's sometimes all too easy to fly by the seat of one's pants, just count days, think only of what's happening in the moment and not do any critical analysis of the journey we've taken. I won't dwell on the P-side of things too much as it seems like everything is progressing well.

Instead, I just wanted to comment on something else you'd being talking about recently:

(From 20 Mar. 21)
The panic/anxiety attacks got better. At first, i have no idea what is the cause of this. Maybe it's the problem i'm having with my GF not getting pregnant and i'm scared and frustrated of never going to be father, maybe it's the pandemic situation where i feel powerless, no matter what we do we are sliding in lockdown number 3 in Germany. Maybe it's some work related stress i'm not processing right. In the end, it must be a combination of all those three.

Over the past year, I've been working entirely from home, I've had four months of furlough leave thrown into the mix, and I was involved in a Redundancy Consultation, in which I happily didn't lose my job. In this time I've also experienced significant periods anxiousness, although I couldn't pinpoint the explicit or tangible cause. For me, much of the past 12 months has felt almost otherworldly and without purpose or meaning (even though I've been working in a job, and at a company, I really like). I've often thought that life over the last year has felt like driving in a car on a never-changing and never-ending motorway. Your minds wanders and you think about other stuff but you don't really focus on the road ahead as driving is instinctive and almost automatic. In short, you're moving forward but you're barely aware as nothing around you really changes. Almost like a feeling of powerlessness in itself, for me this dull existence made me feel anxious. Having minimal external stimuli also made me feel like my body and mind were trapped within themselves, unable to get out and do anything worthwhile. I felt panicked due to there being nothing to panic about...

The relationship situation with my friends has also made me really anxious too. I've barely spoken to them for over a year now but I've struggled to speak with anyone really. Against this backdrop, when Lockdown 1.0 eased in Summer 2020 in the UK, all my friends were meeting up and they asked me to join them, even though at that time it had been four months since I'd spoken with them. Well just the thought of meeting up and potentially facing questions of why I wasn't talking, questions I really didn't want to answer, really whipped me into such an overwhelming state of anxiety. I even turned my phone off on the day [that everyone was meeting up] because I didn't want anyone contacting me. I suppose my point is the things that caused me to feel anxious are maybe really silly or minor but to me, they were significant. How one deals with these things, I'm not really sure but I just wanted to say I've had many a moment of panicking or feeling anxious over the last 12 months. My reasons are different to yours but whatever the reasons, it's not a nice experience so I hope you're managing your situations and are feeling better :)

Otherwise, I hope that the 400 days is still on target and that you're doing well

hd619
 

imsorrynotsorry

Active Member
Hey guys,

thanks for stepping by and leaving a comment.

Happydude, your insights are welcome. It feels like this car is never going to end and i'm trapped in it. The numbness in this, to not being able to make something against it is hard to accept for me. I really enjoy solving problems and making progress in stuff, but with this pandemic my social life has become a part of my life that is controlled by the goverment, which is unnatural here. I can go on now, because i have relevant information to share with you.

First off, it happened to me and my GF to be assigned to an allotment garden in the city. Out of the blue i got a phone call from an organisation in which i participate that a garden is free to rent. It's a huge garden situated on a steep hill with a small barn on it and lots of flowers and 3 cherry trees. The GF and i bought some organic seeds of different vegetable which we want to grow in the garden. We are now growing them to seedlings before we bring them in the ground. From now on the GF and i have a project for the whole summer. In every free minute i can go there and do something. The best thing about it is, that the problems "in the garden", are problems that can easily be solved and the only person benefitting from it is me and my GF. This is giving us satisfaction at the moment.

Another thing i want to tell you is: It seems like my GF is pregnant !
She is just turning to 12th week of pregnancy and we had an ultrasound. I'm just sitting on the table and the picture of the little human is lying next to me. If i had to speak about it, i wouldn't find the words, because it is still overwhelming me. On the one hand i'm close to tears if i think about of all the procedures we tried and the long years in which we tried and tried. There is a strange feeling, like i'm not really realizing what this means to me. Maybe it's a little bit too far away for me now? On the other i'm doubting everything all of a sudden. Thinking about this and that, and what could be and what it will be like. This is messing me up and i try to stop my thoughts and say "one thing after another", no rush.
The GF and i want to wait until fridayin a week before we go official about it. After some prenatal tests we know more about if everything is okay with the little one. It so unreal to me, but hey, this can be the best thing in a long time that is happening to me and us.

In terms of PMO i can say that something is happening there. Because of the pregnancy the GF is often feeling not very good and there is only a few chance of intimacy at the moment. We were intimate only once in the last two months and i can feel that i'm full of libido. So, it happened that i MO'd when i was alone.
This was the second MO in the last weeks and i'm not sure what this means? Am i getting closer to relapse to PMO because i have to handle my libido somehow or it this me being a normal guy with lust for intimacy and i'm just looking for a place to find pleasure?
I think that there is a level of lust that is normal and maybe it's also normal to MO from time to time. I have no idea. I feel that my protection to thoughts about girls is lower than before and i look at girls again more concentrated. It's a bit like last year, where i glanced at them very often.
Another thing is, if the GF is staying pregnant and everything is well, the chances of being intimate are sinking and i have to adjust to it. I'm not sure yet how to handle this.

Last weekend i really wanted to MO and i had the time but somehow i was busy doing other things of more importance. This is showing my that most of my change is still intact and maybe i can go on without a MO for quite some time.

I want to mention that my morning wood has improved a lot. When i wake up during the night with wood, i have to wait a long time before being able to pee on the toilet. Sometimes this happens in the morning too. I think the morning wood is getting more and more to the point where i was when i was 14 years old.

400 days are in sight.

Wish everybody the best.

Day 388
Urge to PMO 2/10
Libido 8/10
Beer consumption 5/10
Chocolade 5/10
Morning wood 7/10
 
Last edited:

EarthWalker

Active Member
Awesome. Thank you for the inspiration in patience and diligence! Way to go! I am very happy for you.

edit: Forgot to say, congratulations on the baby!

EW
 
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