My journal, my friend

[ShadeTrenicin]

Hey imsorrynotsorry,

I think that that is a perfectly normal response! It's your wife of course. I can sometimes get the weirdest erections from her. When she's near, or does something sweet or if i think about her in a loving non sexual way. I think that it indicates that you can also be emotionally aroused by her besided physically.

Great  that you are routined and that you can work around the not getting hard part and have fun other ways! Excellent point of view!

 

[imsorrynotsorry]

Thank you Shade.

Today not much happened. I had quite much time with myself, was on the internet working through things. Also felt a little bit of that old mood coming up. Hard to express, but it was a bit the old thought of 'hey, you've totally earned a session of PMO'. Eh, for what did i earn the right to masturbate? There is no connection to it, can't see it.

Right now i'm proud that obviously i'm managing well and i did that in the past as well. So, what changed for me? In the past i PMO'd for a weekend, sometimes also during the week and didn't feel much of a disadvantage. Hmmm, what changed? Maybe it's just i can be super disciplined or i realized all the negative aspects of PMO and just decided in a rational way to let PMO go. So much to think about..... i believe i must stay long period away from it to make new PMO-free life experiences and hopefully i can say then: i dont want to loose that again.

Day 56:
- beer consumption got higher, two days i drank and i drank 3 or more. Have to follow this.
- chocolate consumption decreased
- urge to PMO 3/10, 'he' feels like he wants to O really bad. Have to avoid touching him unintentionally
- morning wood: today a 9/10, lasted very long. The other days only after waking up
- libido 5/10

 

[imsorrynotsorry]

I thought someday i will be very special. Maybe that's something my mother told me when i was very young, because my parents divorced and the mother was feeling guilt. At some point it was like 'in the future it'll all perfect'. But then, nothing happened. I was bad at school and had no support at all, i totally failed. There was no ground of becoming sth special. And because i believed that this will come someday i turned to PMO for feeling good, until that special moment in my life comes where i think 'wow, i'm so special'. Or it was just the expectations for sth special to arrive.

I'm not sure about it. Maybe i never wanted to allow the thought of how unspecial i am and how worse my parents coped with all and replaced that with PMO, starting with 14, which would fit the timeline somehow.

 

[imsorrynotsorry]

Today something came up in my mind.
I asked myself, what is the addiction replacing in me?
What could it be that i want to turn in to or that i want that i'm not able to become or get.

PMO gave me that excitement of sth great, deep pleasure, uncompareable which then washed away any other concerns or other troubles, for some minutes. Since i stopped i never got exactly in that moment of a relapse opportunity to really hear into my soul.

Maybe it's sth i do still have even though i've become a better person now. Meaning, if i would discover PMO nowadays, i wouldn't become addictive?! Just a thought i guess.

In 2 days i could reach 60 days, i feel confident to achieve.

 

[imsorrynotsorry]

Situation with GF is bad the last days. Everyone lives his own life, seperately. We do talk and make plans, but i feel that i don't really care or don't want to. She told me so often just to listen, without giving my 'based of facts' or fastforward advices. Now i listen and feel that listening without interacting is giving me nothing to not much.
She asked me yesterday 'what is happening with us?' I think we're about to walk through a dark ally. In everyday life we do wonderful, but in greater perspective i have the feeling we didn't evolve. No kids, no house, no marriage and that after quite some years now. I could turn everything upside down, i have enough energy, but she needs all her energy on her daily life to manage. Hmm, strangely it doesn't affected me with the reboot yet.

Tomorrow 'big party' with the 60 days. I'll celebrate that with you guys.

 

[metal22]

I'mSorry,
Why is it you guys make plans but you don't care or want to?  When is she telling you to just listen?  In all your interactions or just when you guys talk about sex or P?  I think the feelings of drifting apart is evident to her as well.  Do you feel like this relationship is a waste of time since you haven't achieved milestones?
This is something that I recall struggling with during my hard reboot.

 

[ShadeTrenicin]

Hey imsorrynotsorry,


About the 'feeling special' thing.. That is something that my mother also did and a feeling that i'll recognize. And don't worry, we're not the only one.. Seeing as you post in the 30-39 group you're probably a millenial and a lot of millenials have these feelings.. Our parents were babyboomers and while they grew up, having to work hard and to perform to secure a living, we grew up in a lot of wealth with a lot of possibilities our parents didn't have. Our parents wanted to make sure that anything is possible..
Long story short; millenial syndrome. A lot of us always imagined being the best/most innovative/leader etc. etc. Look it up, it's actually quite interesting

You insight into asking what the PMO is replacing is an excellent question. In my opinion, questions like these lead to a true understanding of your addiction (and other issues if you have them) and eradication of your problems.

About the situation with your GF, why do you feel just listening is not bringing you anything?
The following is not meant to place blame, but in a relationship even listening is something that can give you a positive feeling because you can be there for her. I totaly recognize what you mean btw. I used to also have it.. I wanted to give facts and immediately hopped into solving modus.. However, My wife doesn't always want the problem solved. Sometimes she wants to know that I hear her. That i know why she's feeling the way she does. It took me some time to really listen. But by listening i learned much better to put myself in her shoes. It made me understand the consequences of my addiction and what it did to her. And the cascade of emotions comign after that.

You feel like you are about to go through a dark alley.. Is that because you think your gf will try to talk about the relationship or that you feel like you aren't connected anymore and that she's also feeling the same. Could it also be that you are afraid somehow to further open up to her, that you are ashamed/scared somehow to face your deepest emotions, let alone tell them to her? Maybe that can be a reason that you are subconsciously not letting her in.

And, besides your relationship are there other things you are also not really into anymore?


One tip; don't celebrate the 60 days with us, but with her!! Involve her in this, talk about what you've told us. You feel like you didn't evolve (it's not necesary to evolve to have a happy relationship) But if you want to evolve with her, celebrating your 60days with her and talking about these feelings could be a chance to evolve.


Good luck man

 

[imsorrynotsorry]

Oh, Wow, thank you metal and Shade, i'm a bit overwhelmed by your answers. Firstly, thanks for response.

I once tried to open up on her with PMO. It wasn't exactly like i would have liked it to be. I think she didn't get it right, because afterwards she used it during arguments against me and that put me back into my 'rat hole'. In the last few days i really thought about opening up again, because making progress with PMO is important to me and normally one shares with GF. Furthermore i have self confidence because of staying away from PMO. What i ask myself now, is it really beneficial to open up while we're in crisis? What for?

The millenial syndrome, i get that and partly true. Plus the guilt after divorce, not having the father around. Maybe that thought in general is right, but not exactly connected with PMO. Or not necessarily.

It seems that becoming pregnant could become very very hard for my GF because she onced suffered from anorexia. The body had too less nutrition over a long period of time and the hypophysis hasn't started normal processing yet. This is going on since we're together, about 7 years. I was always saying 'turn the page around' let go of these ill habits that came with anorexia, but she needs so much time to overcome her problems. (That was long time my perfect excuse for why i PMO). It's just that i think NOW 'when is parenthood happening? I'm ready, what about you?' And she still needs more time. I know she worked her way out of the anorexia, but it's so frustrating for me to see that still after all those working we're not able to go on. Honestly, i connect all the other things like marriage, house, etc. on to parenthood. Is that too rational? I just feel like, i know i can become a father with 45, but i'm waiting so long now and here and now, it has not only happened, it's hardly even possible right now.
This is when i just listen, when she talks about things in her life that aren't easy, often connected to anorexia induced things or just life struggle. I listen, but maybe it's just because i manage so well with PMO that i don't want to let her problems come near me. That makes sense, right?
This is me taking control of my life, also have lots of work this year, i don't have the capacity of dealing with her things that are repeating all over (maybe i exaggerate).

After writing this i think a bit of me being PMO addictive is affected by her anorexia. Maybe in a way of 'she's having something that's holding her back to take control of her life conpletely, than i can enjoy PMO without regrets'. And yes, i never had regrets.

In general i would describe the scene of me wanting to run forward and her pulling me back. She said the multiple times, that she's feeling bad about stopping me in making progress. I do in job and anything else, except the things in relationship i mentioned.

I'm into a lot of things with her. Making plans for holidays, meeting old friends. Also i have great libido and i enjoy looking at her and all. With bad mood being around, it's just not that good vibe.

Being PMO free for 60 days today is great. But more important, having controlled the addicition for quite a while is far more important to me. I just like to have influence (sometimes control) in and of things. This is happening right now and i need people to multiply with this around me. This also excludes her from me even more. Maybe i should really open up again? But there is also a chance that she doesn't multiply my mood and this would end up ugly. Any thoughts on that?

 

[imsorrynotsorry]

Still thinking about open up to my GF again with my PMO problem. Havn't got a solution yet.

Today my GF told me that she's going away for some days and i'm alone in the flat. Being completely alone, jus the thought of it made me a bit afraid of it. I'm trusting myself that i can avoid PMO and MO this time. In the past i wanted to MO so badly but this time i want to stay clear of it until she comes back. It'll be a good test.

Furthermore i thought about me reaching 100 days. I'm thinking about a new goal where i can one day live without the journal a P-free life. It needs more time, but at some point maybe i come back here once or twice a week for exchanging thoughts.

3/10 Don't have much libido right now
6/10 beer consumption
2/10 chocolate
2/10 morning wood. Strangely nothing is happening this week.

 

[imsorrynotsorry]

This morning i woke up with urge. I was thinking about me alone in the flat and how nice it'll be to only MO. I know it'll be very very nice, but it's not what i want. All my life i was like MO is something completely usual. And, yes, maybe it is, but for me not anymore. I want to live by the rule that i don't touch my man without reason.

After breakfast i went back to bed and watched that Tara Brach video ShadeTrenicin gave me the link somewhere. The ideas Tara shared with the Realm Of The Hungry Ghost(s) were very helpful for my understanding of my addiction and addiction in general. What i like to share with you guys are for example the three arrows (https://youtu.be/eKn4IGY8OH8?t=1283).

• Arrow One: The desire to happiness or in other words, the feeling that there is always something missing. It leads, when flawed, to addiction
• Arrow Two: Self aversion. After e.g. PMO you are not feeling good about yourself, maybe leads to anger (Most dangerous arrow, hit's hardest)
• Arrow Three: Suffering, being not present

To be specific. Feeling bad, lazy, fogged, somethings missing leads me to PMO. After i PMO i'm not only facing the same feeling as before, it's even worse because i still can't handle the state of feeling. This multiplies Arrow 1 and so on, because after PMO i fall back to where Arrow 1 begins. The not being present with the self and others is also not helping to get out of that state of feeling.
So, i advice myself and i advice all of you readers to break the circle. I'll avoid giving into bad emotions because they multiply. I want to face my emotions, halt there and find a way with mindfulness out of there.

Also, in one of Tara's vids she's talking about the sustainability of an addicition-free life. She recommends being with people that understand the situation as it is and are helpful and nice. This would be RN for me right now. Even though i'm targeting a life where i'm more independant from my journal here. I do now understand, that i also need you as a peer group and you need me. This means, reading and passing by is just enough for me. Knowing people 'listen' to me who know the exact feeling.
It's also you who give me the belief that i can change my bad habit. I can replace it with other rewards, yes, but to really change the circle i need belief (according to Tara). (https://youtu.be/eKn4IGY8OH8?t=2655)

That i changed my bad habits 7 years ago from daily routine PMO to once a week or twice a month is helping me a lot right now. Still, face it: Since 7 years i'm keeping it like a pet with less food. I always made sure that it doesn't die.

Day 63 and i'm expecting hard days ahead. Also confidence than can lead to MO or the feeling about the sense of all that.
1/10 libido right now, GF is not around
7/10 beer consumption. I never was hard with myself on that and i wont be it this time, but, i'll make sure that it doesn't escalate any further than maybe once a week.
2/10 chocolade, some urge, but not much.
2/10 morning wood. Been a bit sad about this as i enjoy having a real morning wood as a sign of progress. BUT, no hesitation on this.
5/10 something is missing feeling

 

[ShadeTrenicin]

Hey Imsorrynotsorry.

I am so glad you found this Tara Brach video helpful. It was the same for me. And although she sometimes touches buddhism, you can also use everything she points out from a secular/christian/islamic point of view as well.

To me Tara is a treasure. A lot of her talks resonate well with me, and when she talks it feels like a warm blanket of unconditional forgiveness is being put over me.

It's funny, i was actually working on a transcript of the talk about the hungry ghost, specifically the three arrows.. So awesome that you already written it down.

Keep going strong man, rooting for ya

 

[imsorrynotsorry]

Oh, i'm not feeling very well today.
I've just found myself asking me questions about what is all that? Can i really change, or, do i really believe in my newly acquired convictions about addiction-change?
It feels like a fight between 'good old porn' vs 'belief, trust, love'. And furthermore the relapse scenario. Right now i feel well prepared, but what about the weak times. I just don't feel optimistic in the future right now. This also has to do with some bad news from people i know. I would like to have that strong friend right now who manages everything for me. This is something i really learned in the last 10 years, to face complicated things and find solutions. I'll go with that motto for now.

Another thought came up about relapsing. I cannot say this is never going to be happen again. What if i manage to make a year wirhout PMO, i know myself, i'll get comfortable and finally i'm convinced 'i earned a session'. This is so wrong and can feel so right. I remember that moments when your mind is literally saying that it's okay. What is bad about 1x ? You know this. It scares me. All i can think of at the moment is to write in my journal, read your stories and be kind with myself. RN is a lighthouse for me.

Hitting day 65 today. I will keep on going and i have a good idea to end the 90 days and start something new. Fundamentally i believe in goals, even if i only reach goal B, it's a good motivation for me.

To end this entry i must think about a thing Dr. Gabor Mat? said in a video about addiction. Hopefully i get the sense right, it was about the 'we can change'. He meant it in a physical way of the brain. We can change our habits. It's just not easy changing a habit one practiced for 15 years in 90 days. That's delusional. It would need me going on to life without PMO for 10 years to say i proved to be changed. Meaning, 90 days doesn't change me, maybe it tickles a bit the mechanism but PMO still thinks 'it's just a phase he's going through'. There are different ideas about change. One says it needs 3 weeks for something to happen to influence your feeling about daily life. Then there's the number 66 days (i reach tomorrow) about a habit change and in the end time proves. Maybe after 6 to 12 months PMO realizes that the ice is starting to melt.

 

[imsorrynotsorry]

Days go by, i'm feeling better and so is my GF. We still have a big crisis at the moment, but we talk and try to improve and find out about ourselfs.

PMO is not in my mind these days. Even when i'm alone i don't think about it. Rarely images are flashing but my will to make them go away is stronger right now. I can't feel any urge, which is good. I don't trust the situation really.

I have a lot of goals in my professional life that i can achieve this year and i've achieved some already. This progress and all is a good focus / distraction away from PMO. I'm so motivated to be good in all that i do right now. Having good energy. I really want to see my life without PMO and i want to get to know my natural body again.
Morning wood though is a rare visitor these days.

Urge to PMO 1/10
Libido 3/10
Beer consumption 7/10
Chocolade 4/10
Morning wood 1/10

 

[imsorrynotsorry]

I have absolutely no idea why i don't have any morning wood these days. I can get hard when i'm close to my GF, but no mw. Is this normal or common?
I'm at day 73 now.

 

[Orbiter]

Sounds like you're doing exactly what you need to be doing, i.e focusing on improving your relationships and other tangible aspects of your life. The reboot will continue to take it's course in the background.

I wouldn't worry about morning wood too much. I have found over time it's a poor indicator of reboot recovery. It comes and goes for me all the time. Seems to me like you're on the right track at the moment.

 

[imsorrynotsorry]

You're absolutely right. Maybe i'm a bit too focused on the morning wood as a sign of recovery. Thanks for the reminder, it just comes up now an then. I want to stay humble and give myself time.
Also i don't want to put any pressure on the recovery, because it's not helping.

Two days ago i found myself waking up with some kind of weird sex dream and i knew, there is urge. I would like to think of the urge as a natural urge to have intercourse with the GF, which i then had with my GF. It was great, everything worked perfectly. I would say 9,5/10 hard. Strangest thing came up 1 h after it when the GF left the house. I was thinking about MO'ing as kind of 'now i can really REALLY O'. Strange, isn't it? Honestly i did that in the past, but this time i asked myself why would i think that? Is normal intercourse not really O'ing as O'ing with my hand is? Yes, i'm mixed up in this. I did numerous PMO before i first had sex. I remember this asking me years ago the same question and i had the feeling that no woman can handle me as i self could. Man, i hate myself for even thinking this, because this is irrelevant. It's not about how i can best MO and how the GF is giving me the perfect O. Given the thought that i mixed myself up with that PMO shit and can't tell anymore what is real and what i really like, i have to trust the GF and the feelings i have being with her intimate. But to judge, it's not me right now.

 

[ShadeTrenicin]

Hey man,

I totally recognize that thought of thinking that you do it better yourself than your gf.. It sucks.. But, i also found out, and im curious that if you think back you will find this similar, that when i actually think about the intensity of my O and the feelings and senstation at that time
seeing her naked body, feeling her around you, the smell, taste, the emotions.. Is the O you have with yourself after furiously beating it really better, or is that something that you are addicted to and tell yourself for making up for having those thoughts?


Anyway, good luck and as always i am rooting for you

 

[imsorrynotsorry]

Thanks for asking Shade.
I think it comes from the addiction and is another symptom of it. At least i belive this.
Oing with the GF is different and i want to belive it's better. Therefore time must pass to tell the difference.

The last days were a bit rough. I was alone a lot and had some alcohol with friends. We talked about women and stuff and somehow the combination of all gave me some urge feeling to PMO. Nothing happened up until now, but i still have the feeling that i could MO.

I think i've done a good job being clean now and i want to end my 90 days streak without PMO. For ending this i've thought of ending chapter 1 and start with chapter 2. In this i want to stay off PMO, improve my positive habits, still have my journal. All in all it should help me growing fundamentally. Not sure about the duration. Maybe another 90 days is a good target. Not too much for the next step and not too long.

 

[ShadeTrenicin]

Hey Imsorrynotsorry,

So, although you drank some and talked with your friends about women and you got the urge to PMO, you didn't. That is great progress. Especially since alcohol can lower your inhibitions. Why didn't you PMO? What made you not do it?

And you're at day 78? now, that indeed is a good job. You keep on going man. It's also nice to read that in chapter 2 you will stay on this forum, keep that up.


Im rooting for you

 

[Orbiter]

Oing with the GF is certainly different. I think there's a lot more that's going on with actual sex, not the least being it involves another person and the chemistry between the two of you. This can also make it more complicated. PMO is on the other hand, a completely self-centred experience as well as one that doesn't encompass as many of the different senses as the real thing does. It's easy and convenient. I think desensitisation plays a big part in this. The more we abstain from PMO and the more real life Os with the GF happen, the better it gets.

Great job on not PMO-ing after the drinks as well. Your reboot muscles are clearly getting much stronger from this process.