My journal, my friend

[imsorrynotsorry]

Hey Shade and Orbiter,

When i felt and realized the urge i just didn't go for it nor seeking the situation to be alone. I'm also really serious about not touching my man without reason, just NO! So, on the one hand my willpower is helping me and on the other hand my rule to not touch without reason. 'Back in the days' my man and i were really close, in other words, we had a intimate relationship. Nowadays i 'just' use him for a cause like at toilet or intercourse - nothing else. Sad somehow, but i can love with it.

The self centered MO you named, argh. This self centered behaviour is somewhat a part of my personality. I do things best when doing alone, also enjoy a lot of things more when alone. I have high standards for my companions. Not the best part of me and i'm working on it, as you can imagine how the GF thinks about it.

Day 79:
Urge to PMO 3/10
Libido 2/10
Beer consumption 8/10
Chocolade 4/10
Morning wood 2/10

 

[metal22]

I'mSorry:
Congrats on making it so far!  As it appears in your posting,  your brain is already begun rewiring.  Things continue to get easier as you continue.
Don't let down your vigilance though,  as you can fall at any time,  even years into recovery.

 

[Orbiter]

Great job Imsorry! Seems like you're getting very close to the 90 day goal. Be sure to stay vigilant, I once relapsed on 78 days and did NOT see it coming.

 

[imsorrynotsorry]

Important words from you both! Thank you.

This night images flashed when being awake in bed. And i thought about the future somehow.
What if when i will always have urge-feelings for something sexual that i can't get in my relationship? This is one reason why people have flings, right? I have to think about this more and find out what it means for me. Most important thing would be not to fall for PMO again.

In this reboot process i discovered mechanism in myself that lead to some kind of excitement in my normal life. And i think about them differently now. I imagine that i could get addicitive to a lot of things and in some ways i am, but not in an escalative way. There are just those moments when i'm overexcited with things. Maybe i'll learn more about this in the upcoming time.

 

[imsorrynotsorry]

Again i thought about reaching 90 days and then found out that it could trigger something in me, could be the tiniest thought, of comfort. In addiction there is no comfort for a long time, when not giving into it. The addiction promises me comfort, but it's a trap. Again, i want to think of my decision to turn my life around as forever, for good, ultimately. I can feel that right now i only understand that decision for about 40%. The rest in me is unsure. Meaning, there is still a part that thinks there will come a time where i can PMO. I don't want that, i had that for so long, my whole teenage and adult life.
To proof my decision i have a lot of processing ahead of me. Maybe focus more on feelings and what lies beneath, unprocessed feelings/expectations, than counting days and have strict rules. I guess the addiction gets its energy from low self esteem and not having the courage to face certain, unpleasant things in life that have to be done. And instead of doing that, one uses things for distraction and finally end up in a porn addiction like me. Sucks.

Thanks for reading.

 

[Orbiter]

It's all too easy after so many days clean to both take for granted how much better you're feeling despite the urges but also forget how crushingly bad it actually feels to be caught in a downward PMO spiral. No judgement here though, i've done it many times myself. Rest assured there is as little comfort to be found in PMO as there was at your lowest point.

Your thoughts of focusing on those unprocessed feelings & expectations is definitely the way going forwards. A lot of us addicts still haven't properly developed the coping mechanisms required to deal with the challenges in life in a healthy productive way, a lot of people who aren't addicts simply never have to but it's our journey and the true way to break down some of the personal barriers in life that have always held us back.

Glad to hear you're continuing to do so well. Keep it up!

 

[imsorrynotsorry]

Thank you so much Orbiter. It's hard for me to learn and process my emotions. The GF and i are talking a lot these days about our relationship and emotions. I'm trying to take that chance to listen more (sounds dumb) to what she's saying. I need to learn about myself.

This night i had some kind of PMO dream, like i was relapsing and during making it i realised the relapse and stopped. After waking up i felt relieved it was only a dream.

 

[ShadeTrenicin]

Hey Imsorrynotsorry,


What you said:

I'm trying to take that chance to listen more (sounds dumb) to what she's saying. I need to learn about myself

it is in fact the opposite of dumb. This shows a true willingness to open up towards her and work together on your relationship. My wife indicated that she sensed an enormous change in me over the past year. The reason; i put aside the fears of opening up and started to do so. And in opening up i was able to really listen to her. The result; a 100% better relationship.
So to me it is not dumb, it shows that you are now getting past your own issues, which is a great thing.

To proof my decision i have a lot of processing ahead of me. Maybe focus more on feelings and what lies beneath, unprocessed feelings/expectations, than counting days and have strict rules. I guess the addiction gets its energy from low self esteem and not having the courage to face certain, unpleasant things in life that have to be done. And instead of doing that, one uses things for distraction and finally end up in a porn addiction like me. Sucks.

YES, just YES. This resonates with me so much!!!



Stay strong my friend! i am rooting for you

 

[EarthWalker]

Hi, imsorrynotsorry.

I thought I share some of my thoughts on communication, if that is all right.

I came across this. Might be useful:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nonviolent_Communication

I have me own theory:
I noticed the quality of my life improved when I no longer
1) infringe on the freedoms of others
2) infringe on the sovereignty of others
3) lowered the frequency of myself/and others with bad language/bad wishes
4) Stay in neutrality, compassionate witnessing

1) If I say. You shouldn't think like that. You should think like this. You shouldn't have wrote that. This is infringing on your rights of free expression. You are free to express yourself. By doing this I consent to have the same done to me. A lose-lose situation.

I have the right of my own opinion. I can say I don't agree or understand why you think like that. But I need to express myself in a way that doesn't limit the freedoms of others.

2) Infringing on the sovereignty of others. You are doing something I don't like. Well I'll just prevent/take it from you directly. A lose-lose situation.

3) If I say a bad word to you. This will lower your and my frequency. It is a lose-lose situation.

4) Don't try to superimpose my will on the situation but let it unfold organically. Most of the time this means just observing and holding space without judgement and wishing the other person all the best on their journey.

A work in progress for me.

Glad to see we are all becoming more mindful and work on improving the way we communicate.

EW

Edit: Added: Remembered some examples to go with the points:

1) I remember saying to my mother. I feel like I have to do everything myself. She is like. No. You don't get to say that. It is I who is alone for everything. I felt constricted. I could have said something like. You don't tell me how I should feel and express myself. But notice this is the same trap. By saying that I would have infringed on her freedom of expression. It is hurtful to be on the receiving end of someone infringing on your freedom of expression. But in my understanding shrugging it off is preferable over trying to make the other side understand. This will just make the situation worse. It is up to her to understand that by limiting my freedom of expression is not going to make the relationship better. I can't force her to see this. This is something she needs to figure out on her own.

After she said that I don't get to feel like I just expressed myself. I just left. There was nothing for me to say that could improve the situation.

2) I remember my father hiding my phone as to teach me a lesson in responsibility. I just shrugged it off. It is an old phone anyway I'll buy myself a new one just as I bought this one. When my mother found about this they got in a big fight. So all what my father managed to do with infringing on my sovereignty is to piss off my mother big time.

 

[imsorrynotsorry]

Hello EarthWalker,

Your contribution made me think of myself and thanks for the outlook of having more life quality.
1,2 and 4 are points that directly affect me and it they're perfect points for me to work on, so again, thank you.

I agree with:

and that people only resort to violence or behavior harmful to others when they do not recognize more effective strategies for meeting needs.

In context with the GF this happens a lot when it comes to emotions of her own or myself and when i don't have the right way of dealing with it.
I'm thinking for the future with trust, peace and patience the situation will resolve itself naturally. Easy said, hard to live up to, but trying.

I was quite busy this weekend. Had O with the GF on Sunday. It was nice, but again, i had the same strange feeling right after i came: 'i now should really O with myself'. Seems that still i can't differ the two sides of natural libido and urge to (P)MO. I didn't give in to it for long, just a few seconds.

My willpower is still up, i feel good.

 

[imsorrynotsorry]

This day i had strong urge to MO, but didn't even give it a thought longer than one second. It was only that i felt my man is in the mood and gets up with the tiniest touch i gave him. Even when i was sitting with my hands on my lab he started to get hard. Strange, i have no idea. Maybe i talked a little bit too much with the GF about having sex but she was very clear about not being interested today.
So, lesson learned. I don't have to give in to the thought of MO and can go on with everyday life.

Also i talked with the GF today about nonviolent communication and watched a video.
In the video i found the idea of what it is to not infringe the freedom of others or the GF. I can speak out all my ideas but have to make that in a way where i only offer my perception, my emotion, my needs and in the end my request, without judging or infringing the life of others. Also i can ask the others for their point of view.

 

[imsorrynotsorry]

This note isn't directly PMO-relevant, but i want to write it down anyway for documentation. Recently i've made a very bad investment with stocks that really got down the drain. Lost quite some money. The thing is, i really feel embarrased about it. My whole day was just perfect, but when a friend of mine reminded me of the share price today i just fell into a sea of bad mood with self doubt and uncertainty. Man, how pathetic i felt in that moment. Anyway, i talked with the GF about it and she doesn't see it that way, but understands my emotions. Money is one thing and this fault of mine will go away after time.

This is something i didn't do in the past: Talking to the GF about my emotions and what makes me uncertain. Or maybe i did, but not in the right way. Anyway, she helped me today and me talking about something like this with her today is bringing a new balance into our relationship. In the past i just wouldn't admit much of the embarrassement.

 

[ShadeTrenicin]

Hey Imsorrynotsorry,

sucks about the stocks.. And it might be PMO related because it gave you quite some negative feelings of shame. Which can result in a relapse. So it's good that you came on here and tell us about it.

While I have no idea about the type of stocks and which company. You might know that currently the overall majority of stocks have plummeted due to the COVID crisis. So while it might be a bad investment now, it can be a good investment in a couple of years. From what I know about trading is that you buy stocks for the long haul and deal in puts/calls for the short run.
Anyway I hope that you will find yourself again and that everything works out again.


Take care my friend

 

[imsorrynotsorry]

Thanks Shade, i thought of that aswell.
This feeling of being ashamed is so present and is controlling me so directly, that even when i'm in a meeting i can't focus for a moment on the talking. Like i did something completely wrong. In aspects of money that's true, but in aspects of life i like to regard it as a life experience. Anyway, the feeling is there, it gets weaker day by day and maybe next time i'll be more clever with my investments.
If that feeling is pressing down my mood, yes. In general i think it lowers my defenses for PMO and that's why i should do something that gives me a better feeling in a sustainable way. Therefore, going to bed early.

I've watched that Gabe Deem video about the flatline this week. I think i only had a small flatline because i didn't PMO often. At least one result of my randomized PMO-use over the last 4 years is a good thing.

The week was busy but also funny and productive at work and leisure. Besides the stock thing everything is working fine, i guess.

My lust for beer is still very high and i'm experience urges to buy some beers in the supermarket for drinking at home. Last year i would never had thought of getting such urges to drink beer. I resisted and even though i drink 4-5 beers a week i'm not really worrying but want to cut it down to certain events, when i feel ready about it.

Looking forward.

 

[imsorrynotsorry]

Huge day today - i've reached my target of 90 days.
Therefore i want to thank you guys for contributing and exchanging our thoughts and experiences.
Especially i want to thank ShadeTrenicin, Orbiter, UKGuy, metal22, BabySteps, KittyHawk, EarthWalker and DoneAtLast for your precious contributions. Also i want to thank the whole RN community as well as GabeDeem for starting this forum.

So, what now? As i mentioned before i want to add another 90 days in which i want to train my "new lifestyle" and hold on to what i did against PMO addiction. This would be mainly contributing to the forum here, writing in my journal and keep processing my emotions that come up now and then. Especially for the last part i'm very open for new approaches, which help me to learn about me.

In conclusion i want to go on with a mix of strict rules and learning about my inner state. Also i want to stay humble about my progress and want to avoid any kind of a comfort feeling, as we know this can weaken the defenses.

Day 90:
Urge to PMO 2/10
Libido 4/10
Beer consumption 4/10
Chocolade 2/10
Morning wood 4/10

 

[Orbiter]

I realise this is somewhat belated but CONGRATULATIONS!!

That's an amazing achievement, one that very few make it to. I think you have a great direction you're planning to take things from here and I look very forward to reading some of your future entries as you explore & develop your new lifestyle.

 

[imsorrynotsorry]

Hello Orbiter,

Thank you so much.

Some days ago i thought about impulse control ans how it affects my daily life. How i never can say no to ice cream, drink beer although i didn't especially want it, eat chocolate to feed the need, have a look into the smartphone even when nothing happened, and so on. Anyone knows what i'm talking about? It happens in the situation. It's happening with me and PMO aswell. As soon the GG leaves the house the impulse comes up 'how about a PMO session?'. For most stuff i just can say yes without thinking it through, because the consequences are so weak or just not really there. It's different with PMO.
That makes me thinking, is there an approach to improve impulse control? Maybe i want to follow on this the next upcoming days. This is important to me, because up until now i'm experiencing almost no urges or cravings, but they will come and i want to be ready for them.

 

[ShadeTrenicin]

WOW!

Also a much belated comment, but very nicely done my friend! Congralutulations! What will you do with your presence on this forum? Will it stay the same or move somewhat to the background. An experienced opinion is always much appreciated

Anyway, about that impulse control; the fact that your mind is like.. how about a pmo session indicates how deeple rooted this addiction is, and that caution is still needed.
I think that the Tara Brach video you've watched a while ago ( with the three arrows) can also help with this.

Good luck my friend!

 

[imsorrynotsorry]

Hello again,

Yes Shade, exactly. The concept of the three arrows is very important when one is in the relapse, reboot, relapse cycle. It will help to transform the emotions around the relapses.

I felt over the last days some kind of comfort and therefore hadn't had much of the feeling i should come to RN. Anyway, i have to come back and keep track of you and me - exchange.
Me an experienced person? Oh no. You know that we all had good streaks before and i was with PMO the last 20 years. So, 90 days are just a thin thin line compared to my PMO-timeline.

The last days i thought about different concepts of dopamin, rewards and PMO. PMO is one thing, but the cravings and the autopilot are another, when there's no impulse control. Impulse control is when you recognise your need and don't go for it or lead them somewhere else, in easy words. Like Psych Ops explained in another post, the rewards in general are a good and healthy motivator in life. It is the autopilot and maybe our inability to lead those impulses somewhere healthy.
With Shades 6 Point Plan it's similar, becoming aware of the impulse and then transform it into something else. Maybe you should add that last point to your 6PP? Lead the impulse into another activity to overwrite the neuronal pathway?
I found this concept on a site about decoupling when nails biting. And i must say, for me it was a bit like it, normally i would take the laptop and PMO, but now i type in rebootnation.org and do something healthy. Anyway, here's the site: http://www.tricotilomania.org/paneldecontrol/noticias/archivos/decoupling_for_TLC_19_2_10.pdf

I found a post of a guy who was super strict to find out about his impulse control:
https://yuki.la/fit/44873326

Beside of that i'm happy and feel good most of the time. It is strange how i get erections when at home. On the sofa, in bed, after waking up, near to the GF. I don't know why this happens but it feels a bit like my man is screaming for attention he doesn't get. Or it's just a symptom of rewiring.

I O'd over a week ago with the GF and my libido is up since then. I guess i just have to live with this until she is ready for intimacy again.

I was pretty drunk on Saturday. For this week i want to avoid alcohol.

Day 97:
Urge to PMO 2/10
Libido 8/10
Beer consumption 4/10
Chocolade 2/10
Morning wood 2/10

 

[Orbiter]

Some fascinating reading regarding impulse control. I think a lot about the age we live in, particularly with the prevalence of the internet in our lives, the continual streaming nature of information and media that hours can disappear into (tv shows, music, news, videos and yes, PMO) has over time lead to a global loss in impulse control that explain many aspects of the state of our lives and why the world today is in the state it's in.

I think there's a correllation between loss in impulse control in addicted mind obviously, but there's also the problem of instant, cheap & easy gratification that can be found throughout modern life. Addict or not, it's probably something we should all be wary and vigilant of in our day to day lives.

Anyway keep us up to date on how everythings going. I'm looking forward to reading of the next step in your journey.