My journal, my friend

imsorrynotsorry

Active Member
Hey guys, major update today,

the last two times i wrote to you i was pretty frustrated with my progress and in general with the situation.
For you who don't know me, i started my reboot on the 29.03.2020 and i'm at day 274.

Since i've exerperienced problems with my man again, some three weeks ago, i gave him a pause and me and my girlfriend did not much. The first two weeks were absolutely fine and nothing much happened. Like so often, my libido dropped to zero. I think this is repeating: I have 2-3 very good O's with the GF and then i drop in libido to zero for about 2-3 weeks. Last time my GF and i tried to have sex during this time, we both got very frustrated because i couldn't hold a hard one.

Until a week ago nothing changed. It was, maybe the start of my holiday, when my libido came back to 8/10. I told my GF about it and i had to show her how much i'm attracted by her. On the one hand this is positive, but on the other hand it might not be the perfect solution to tell her all the time about me getting attracted by her. Anyway, i was happy again and my penis became more and more sensitive to simple touches of each other. Like when holding her in my arm, lying on the couch, etc. Until two days ago, then it was my libido sky rocketed to 10/10 and i thought yes, we should give it a go. Only this time i want to avoid O for myself. Except that, everything is possible.

I've read on some websites about "the man should hold his semen back" to save this precious energy in his body. You can look that up by google 'taoism orgasm'. In theory, having sex with an erection and an orgasm are two seperate things. Having sex without orgasm leads to something completey new, because the male orgasm isn't the end of the show anymore.

Today my GF and i tried it out and i'm excited about it. It was a very new experience, because she knew that it's not her job anymore to help me with my O and i focused only on her. Without the pressure to O, it's all about touching and seeing each other. I was very very aroused, like 10/10. It also involved penetration, but i managed to stop early enough.

For me it was perfect, although i don't think my libido will drop soon.
I know two things now:
1. the experience was so different from what P told me over years. P is showing intimacy without emotions, fake and pretended performances. P is making things worse, not better.
2. i'm working perfectly normal, but Oing might still be a problem

I've reached 274 days today and still me reboot isn't over. Maybe i understand better now why people promote hard mode. I'll try to avoid O's as good as possible. I'll save them for the moment i really need them.

Because of the high libido i'm craving for pictures of girls or stuff like that. I know, this is just a simple mechanism from my brain and hopefully it goes away one day. When the libido is that high, i must pay attention when consuming alcohol.
My rule of not touching myself at all wasn't a rule the last days, because i recognised my man being hard all the time. I must stick to the rule and it will be better with the urges.

I hope everyone is alright. Thanks again EarthWalker, time was what i needed.

Day 274:
Urge to PMO 2/10
Libido 9,5/10
Beer consumption 6/10
Chocolade 3/10
Morning wood 5/10
 

akpal2

Well-Known Member
That is such a great update imsorry. I am quote motivated reading your story. I just started my new reboot once again with the idea of having 0 hypersexualized thoughts. Porn to me is now anything that gives my brain dopamine other than my wife. My relationship has been very up and down with me getting better then relapsing periodically. I am hoping this time I can just leave this all behind. Your journey is giving me hope. Please keep posting. I am also trying to maintain my journal here.
 

imsorrynotsorry

Active Member
Hey guys,

today the GF and i got intimate again. My man was 9/10 hard and worked perfectly. Again i avoided to O and we just did some touching and also penetrated. I had no problem controlling myself and i really like just the being with her. She is seeing advantages with this strategy, because there is more time for her to get ready and there's less pressure.
Afterwards i was still hard, libido still high and pretty much like i was before. In taoism words 'full of energy' - a great thing.

In conclusion, i want to stick to intimacy without O and want to see what it is doing with me and the GF over some time. It's maybe too early to promote this, but if anyone is interested then give it a try.

I see the challenge coming how to handle the high libido over time. Normally, when i O with the GF my libido will drop and i don't mind being aroused by her all the time. I wrote it down before, i'm getty aroused by her very often, when we are at home, for example. I don't know if this is normal, i just know that this is increasing the risk of a relapse in general. I must stay vigilant and never give in to urges.

Day 278:
Urge to PMO 2,5/10
Libido 9/10
Beer consumption 7/10
Chocolade 4/10
Morning wood 6/10
 

ShadeTrenicin

Well-Known Member
Hey Imsor,


Good to see that the intimacy is going better each time. It seems that slowly but surely the effects of your addiction are starting to have less and less impact. I an happy for you and your gf!


Keep it up my friend
 

imsorrynotsorry

Active Member
Hey guys,

After good news, bad news follow.
It seems that my GF is getting her period again and we should have sex some time. Yesterday we tried and i couldn't become hard. It was before lunch time and i have no clear explanation for this.

I know that i didn't feel ready for it. I was freezing strangely and somehow i felt that my man isn't ready. I sense fear of failure and this is killing my libido completely. No ground for an erection, this is certain. We're talking about it, but i feel this isn't that important right now. We just should try it again when i feel better, maybe in the evening or after i went out running. Anyone experience on this?
I'm sad over the fact that my libido is zero when it comes to intimacy in the context of pregnancy. I ask myself questions like 'is she the right one for me?' 'am i really wanting this?' - i have no idea, but i wish it is all P-induced and if i havn't PMO'd for 20 years i wouldn't have that problem. I'm frustrated but i'm not giving up, i want to have wonderful intimacy with the GF all the time. A big challenge.

I stopped drinking coffee daily two weeks ago. Because i'm having some skin issues and coffee isn't helping.

Day 295:
Urge to PMO 0,5/10
Libido 2/10
Beer consumption 3/10
Chocolade 3/10
Morning wood 4/10
 

Orbiter

Active Member
Hey Imsor,

I wonder...

Do you think this 'cold' feeling is a sign your brain is telling you you're not ready for it? Or is it the fear of failure that is suppressing your libido? Not a loaded question by the way, simply interested in what you reckon.

Also, do you feel despite these occasional fluctuations, your libido is becoming overall more consistent?

I haven't had sex with anyone in over two years now but when I was with my ex, at the beginning there was basically no response downstairs at first. What we did was we would try and, if it didn't work, we would simply take a break and try again later. We persevered over a month or two but my erections became increasingly stronger & more reliable, even despite occasional relapses (which would take me on average 5-7 days to bounce back from). In other words, we were essentially rewiring.

Persevering with being intimate together as much as possible while taking breaks if necessary, trying different things and doing stuff lots for the pleasure of it with no expectations of pregnancy, family or even climax. That's what i'd be doing if I was in your position but i'm getting the sense you do these things already?

Hopefully this is merely some lingering anxiety that will become more infrequent over your continuing intimacy with the GF

Keep up the good work, I continue to be extremely impressed with what you've achieved so far.
 

imsorrynotsorry

Active Member
Hey Orbiter,

thanks for your honest words.

Do you think this 'cold' feeling is a sign your brain is telling you you're not ready for it? Or is it the fear of failure that is suppressing your libido? Not a loaded question by the way, simply interested in what you reckon.

I'm sitting at my desk in home-office in a cold room and normally i would eat at lunch my first meal. Its zero degrees outside and without something to eat i'm getting very very cold, just sitting there with a low pulse. For my comfort, this isn't good and i know this for the next time. Eat first, maybe go for a walk, come back and try again.

We are trying some stuff, but nothing out of the usual i guess. I think i'm at the beginning of this problem, like 'learning the problem'. When is it occuring, how is it, etc. After that, i can adjust my strategy.
Right now i'm trying to accept the fact that it didn't happen, that he would not get hard. I think i've written it down already, it's a kind of meditation. Sitting, eyes closed, focusing on the feeling, accepting it, let it be there in your heart and your soul, give it space and welcome it. After that, try to find peace with it. If it's going well now - good, if not try another day, and so on.

This morning i was sitting in a train, closed my eyes and tried to imagine me and my girlfriend having sex and wow, i got an erection. Slowly but definitely. So, this departement is working.

That's what i'd be doing if I was in your position but i'm getting the sense you do these things already?
I like this idea. I don't want the fear around me, i want to step forward and try it again with open results.

In my mind are a hundred ideas of what could be the reason for that. I will name it for you, but in the end i don't think it's the right question:
- would my mother accept if i get a child with my GF?
- do i really love my GF and want a family with her?
- it could be easier if i would do PMO again (total crap idea)
- i can never be healed from PIED
- i'm missing a role model parent, because i think mine didn't do so well

Somehow i think point two could be a factor. I really enjoy being with my GF and she is very different from me. I overcritize her for a lot of things. Back then i would tell her things, but this ended most of the time with a fight and bad emotions. Today i don't say it and think it, which is even worse, because maybe it's killing some moods in me. Maybe i should start accept her really. Sorry if this sounds weird.

Thanks for reading, it feels very good to write something like this down.
Will keep you updated.

Imsor
 

imsorrynotsorry

Active Member
Hey guys,

i didn't believe that i reach 300 days and be where i am today. I had better times where everything was working normal just to find myself with 300 days of no PMO or MO and a huge flatline. It's working hard on me, but then again i'm more motivated than ever to eliminate the outcome of PMO.

My next goal is to achieve the 365 days, which will be around midst of march. It's around 10 months now and maybe i'm still rewiring, rebooting.

To focus on my low sex drive i'm doing several things now. I'm meditating, doing kegel practice, write a personal journal to find out about the psychological why and yesterday i bought food which somehow enhances testosteron or is increasing the sex drive in a way. I want to stick closely to this program, although the implementation in everyday life isn't easy. Maybe not every day, but almost.

Day 300:
Urge to PMO 0,4/10
Libido 1/10
Beer consumption 4/10
Chocolade 4/10
Morning wood 3/10
 

imsorrynotsorry

Active Member
Breaking news!

I don't know what happened. Just this morning i was frustrated about how everything is going and then, after breakfast i lurked to bed again to read a book (Magic Cleaning by Marie Kondo). And when the GF came in i lured her into the bed. Without going into much details, i told her it's only about giving her pleasure and that helped me psychologically. All of sudden i find my man being real hard and sustainable hard. It all went fast then and in the end i O'd nornally and we both are feeling wonderful now.

Like my valuable friend BilboBaggins told me, the recovery of PMO is like a rollercoaster at times. Just this morning i was frustrated and now this happened, like there was nothing before it. Did i had any sense that could happen? Absolutely not, and maybe that's why it worked. Out of focus was out of pressure.

Thank you guys.
 

Orbiter

Active Member
Great news!

Glad to hear the mojo's returned. Do you think it was due to a return of libido after a lull in the reboot? Or was it the different approach you took i.e focusing on her and taking the pressure off yourself to perform?

Perhaps there's an element of residual performance anxiety that's been contributing to these lulls in libido?

Either way, good to hear things are working for you as normal again.
 

Bilbo Baggins

Active Member
Yeah, we have to be patient. We?ll have good days, where everything works fine, followed by days where things don?t work so well. Recovered guys describe this very well. Eventually, there will be more good days, and less bad days, and before we know it, one day we?ll be healed for good. In the meantime, well, we gotta be patient.

Keep it up, friend.
 

imsorrynotsorry

Active Member
Hey guys,

just today it again worked wonderful. Even though i knew before, like i planned to have sex, we had sex and it was perfect. I felt it coming yesterday, because i felt a rise in libido throughout the week. The why? Not a clue, but i started my diet for higher sex drive and better erections. I will share with you:

[list type=decimal]
[*]cut ginger slices into my tea - enhances libido
[*]avocado - contains potassium, vitamin B6 - enhances libido, good for bloodflow
[*]chili - contains capsaicide - enhances male potency and libido
[*]spinach - Testosteron production - enhances libido
[*]oats - Testosteron production - enhances libido
[*]asparagus - Testosteron production - enhances libido
[*]figs - enhances libido
[*]dark chocolade, at least 70% cocoa - contains phenylethylamin - for a better mood
[*]pomegranate - Testosteron production - enhances libido
[*]broccoli - contains DIM, helps Testosteron production - enhances libido
[*]pumpkinseeds - contains arginin - helps bloodflow and male potency
[*]apple, coffee - contains polyphenole - enhances male potency
[*]eggs - contains cholin, vitamin B5+B6 - enhances libido
[*]fish - contains vitamin D, omega 3 - enhances blood flow and male potency
[*]arginin supplements - enhances male potentcy
[/list]
(please excuse the bad translation of some words)

There are other, not so easy to get things and supplements, like vitamin D, cordyceps, mexican wild yam, ginseng, yohimbe, monk pepper i read about, but wasn't so sure of the outcome.
In general, changing diet is extremely hard to stick to. That's why i've chosen only some things to implement in my daily diet for now.
I bought L-arginin from a drug store and i take 500 mg three times a day, to have in total, with normal food, round about 3000 mg of income. A lot of things contain arginin, like pumpkin seeds, meat, nuts, soy beans. It seems that arginin is directly connected to male potency.

I do weekly: fish, eggs, spinach, pumpkinseeds, broccoli
I do daily: coffee, L-arginin, ginger, dark chocolade, 1 small glass pomegranate (very expensive over here), apple

The other stuff i try to implement as often as possible.
One last thing. I daily do power posing to enhance testosteron.

For me, there are two problems. My male potency and my libido. With some small diet changes it seems that it could bring an extra support in our reboot process. All in all, there is no certainty that all these things will help. For me it is worth a try and maybe for you as well?

The last week i had some urge to browse pictures of girls and i have to admit that i logged into an app where people sell stuff and browse for girls who sell clothes, wearing them. I blame my increased libido for that and the ill mechanism to "watch" digital material when libido rises. I should feel like an alarm should go off now, but i feel safe. I just browsed some girls, but, i also must stop it immediately. We all know, it escalates quickly. As an addict i can ignore this truth easily, but i should not.

Day 307:
Urge to PMO 1/10
Libido 4/10
Beer consumption 4/10
Chocolade 6/10
Morning wood 4/10
 

akpal2

Well-Known Member
incredibly progress imsor, so happy to see this. You're definitely making huge gains by successful sex you are rewiring your brain where it should be wired and not to pixels.
 

imsorrynotsorry

Active Member
Hey guys,

i can report that my GF and i tried to have sex two times this week and it worked perfectly. One time was during the week after dinner. It might sound strange, but this is not my time really for having sex. But, it worked and i'm very glad. Yesterday morning also worked.

Like i wrote last sunday, i've changed my diet with the goal to enhance libido and male potency. It seems that it worked, because my libido increased heavilly and male potency was very good. It was about wednesday where i really felt the urge to get closer to my GF. That is normally happening when the libido is up. Therefore i want to stick to the diet plan for now and look what's happening. I remember times when the libido got up and dropped after it completely. We'll see.

I'm still writing in my other journal book about psychological issues i could suffer from, like my relationsip with my mother or father and a lot of other things. I can say it helps to do this. Everytime i write something new i read the last part of what i wrote and that is quite interesting reading the own stuff. I find that i see things more worse than they actually are.

Work is good most of the time. Last week i had to climb some kind of signal bridge which is about 10 m high. While climbing and being on it i felt my heart beating faster than normal and i was bit anxious. I sense that this anxiety could be connected with some anxiety i have when i can't perform with my GF. Suffering from ED induces such a big frustration that increases my anxiety and what happened on that signal bridge is just a situation in where it comes up. I've been on those things before without ever thinking of anxiety. Strange. Will keep track of that.

Day 314:
Urge to PMO 0,9/10
Libido 9,5/10
Beer consumption 4/10
Chocolade 6/10 mostly dark chocolade
Morning wood 5/10
 

EarthWalker

Active Member
Hi, Imsor.

I am very happy for you. Also about the psychology work. We inherit soo much garbage from our parents and society we don't even realize. Luckily there has been some improvements in psychology tools maybe even because more people find it important and are working on it?

EW
 

imsorrynotsorry

Active Member
Hey folks,

just a short update. I'm doing well, having great times with my GF. We had sex two times this week. All worked normally. I told you about my problems to perform, maybe 4 weeks ago, and then started looking up my personality and what could hold me back and changed my diet a bit. Both things helped me a lot. For some reason i think my diet changed more of it. I'm having high libido since 3 weeks all the time and my man is 10/10 hard when intimate. Huge success for me. Everybody who wants to look into it, just search for my post from 30th of january.

Last week, for the first time, i had some idea of being healed. Sure, i'm not healed yet, but it felt like getting there. For me personally, it's a positive sign that i'm able to think about that. It motivates me more to hold on to the reboot and slowly transfer the reboot into my normal life. Time will show.

Even though my life is good, work is good i'm having some kind of anxiety problems. Not long ago i was eating out with friends and we talked about this and that and then i suddenly felt my heart rate going up, feeling anxious. I wasn't really comfortable with them, i don't know why yet. With easy breathing and telling myself "everything is okay" i stopped it from getting more than just some anxiety or social phobia. This will need some attention in the future, but i'm not sure how to tackle it or where to begin with.

One big goal is in sight. Maybe by the end of march i could reach the one year mark of no MO nor PMO. This is huge, but then also small compared the years i was in the cycle of PMO. I want to process it as a positive milestone, but won't forget that it's relatively small milestone in the road of addiction. When i reach the one year mark, i want to point out a new goal. I think 400 days is good. The day count is still important to me, because it's a very measurable thing. In everyday life i just do what i do, but when i come here i can see a number with my own eyes.

Day 327:
Urge to PMO 0,9/10
Libido 7/10
Beer consumption 5/10
Chocolade 6/10
Morning wood 5/10
 

Bilbo Baggins

Active Member
Good news, friend, that?s awesome. Your efforts are starting to payoff. Keep it up! And I hope you find a way to deal with anxiety.
 

EarthWalker

Active Member
Thank you for sharing your journey. Super happy for you. The hero's journey.

For anxiety. In my view your intuition will sort it out. An article will popup, or you will come across some random YT video or something that will give you some more clues...

Funny you mention diet. I felt like starting drinking ginger tea. It is 1st on your list. Do you have any ginger tea recipes or do you just add ginger slice to your existing tea?
What power posing worked for you? I also feel like doing some of this.

EW
 
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