hey guys,
thanks Orbiter for that reminder. It was all under control, but i know now that it was the same situation over and over again: The GF leaving the house for a few days, leaving me alone with myself. For the future i know that this is a potentially different situation.
Since my last post i'm feeling so much better and there were no signs of anxiety anymore. I think for that there are many reasons. I don't want to go deeper into that, because yesterday was an important day for me:
On the 29th of March 2020 i started my reboot and reached now a whole year of no-PMO.
What do i think about that?
In terms of PMO i feel very good and stable. Even though the last year was rough in different ways, the pandemic, the relationship with my GF and some work related stress i managed to stay away from PMO.
How likely is it that i PMO again soon?
I like to think that it's unlikely, because of my understanding that PMO doesn't help me to reach my goals. PMO is holding me back. But, the addiction is something that never goes away and it is waiting for a situation in which it can get back to me. I'll need awareness, also in the future.
What does it need to make me PMO again?
I have developed very strong opinions about PMO and i live up to them very disciplined. It needs a great pain that i would like to throw them over board again.
Did PMO fill a hole which now feels empty?
In a way yes. This tiny little hole called supernormal stimulus, can't be filled with normal stimuli. But: I have learned to value normal sex and normal stimuli again and i underestimated that this can also be a very good thing, which is by the way healthy.
From my first post from last year:
All the time i still managed to do 10-20 days without P. I thought, opening only one tab and one video is not inducing the P-relevant issues. And i handled it like 'you don't have to forbid it yourself, you can do it whenever you want, it?s not relevant to do it today or in 10 days, because if you want to, you?ll do it'.
Today, i would like to think that this thought is completely wrong. Sadly i'm not exactly at that point, but that?s my goal to get there. I know now, that this mechanism is like keeping a flower by only giving her less water. It mustn't grow much, but it will keep alive as long as i give some drops of water (this is like a f***** cactus in the desert). I realised that, because the symptoms on the one hand got better, but didn't go away.
The good thing is, i know now that using PMO is not okay. There is no reasonable excuse for doing it. A hard truth to learn.
SO, i decided for a fresh start, becoming myself again. I'm looking at my daycount, which says 29 today, but i would like to think that this is not important. I had so many relapses in so many strange moments. The triggers will come, the urges will come and i want to keep the focus on those moments. Do you know these moments, when your brain is telling you all of a sudden 'it is totally ok to masturbate right now'? In the past i was completely powerless against those thoughts. They were so strong, that i thought 'hey, it can't be that bad if it feels like a natural urge' and in a way it is, i guess. But for me, the natural urge and the addictive urge - i can't seperate them. I?ve never learned how to, because i PMO?d before i actually was with a girl. This is why i want the addictive urges to decrease. This works better without doing anything right now
I'm still counting days, but that's ok.
Happily these exact thoughts, in which your brain is telling you that PMO is totally ok, never came back that strong. I think the reason for that is the self education about it. The more i learned the physics behind it, the more i understood that thoughts not always result from free will and personality. Addiction causes thoughts to be realistic and manipulate your own cinvictions about your life. With that in mind, the strength of these thoughts diminished.
All in all i have a strong confidence in my body again. Most of the time 'he' works, i have a lot of morning wood and the symptoms of the addiction aren't present anymore. Do i feel like i'm cured? Let's call it maybe. It wasn't long ago, when i had trouble to perform in bed with my GF when she really wanted to have sex to have her pregnant, but i found a way to manage that aswell. I'm very thankful for being here, knowing people can help me here, understanding me. Especially i want to thank Gabe Deem for hosting this (support him via Patreon), bilbobaggins+EarthWalker+Orbiter as my fellows from my very first days i guess. Thank you guys and all the other members in here so much, really appreciated some of your insights and thoughts, that helped me go through all of this.
Day 366:
Urge to PMO 2/10
Libido 7/10
Beer consumption 5/10
Chocolade 5/10
Morning wood 6,5/10