Ex-edger

mr.slurps

Active Member
Hi Guys, I wanted to name this thread "edger" b/c that is what I am right now, literally today.
But w/ my new positive slant on life (thanks UK), I decided to name it "ex-edger" b/c that is what I will be someday.
I feel like a hypocrite right now. I feel like a faker.
Like, who am I to advise or encourage anyone when I can't even advise/encourage myself?
You guys wouldn't believe how out of control I am at times. (maybe some of you can)  I literally edged w/ this screen up staring me in the face across the room on my laptop. I don't know how you can get more hypocritical than that.
You guys are bravely working your asses off and I'm literally across the room edging to porn.
I wish my first post was more positive but if I'm not brutally honest here, where can I be?  And if I'm not honest, I can't be accountable.
Speaking of which, I hope you guys will hold me accountable. I don't want to lie to anyone or myself.
 

Rookie

Active Member
Great to read your first post. I will post on here as much as I can...I find it very encouraging when I know someone else reads my stuff, and actually acknowledges it.

First thing is first...DO NOT compare yourself to some guys, 5.5 yrs, others over 120 days, some over 90 days...don't go there. It gives you hope that it's possible, but it will disappoint you if you can't get to a week. It's like getting a running jump to try and clear a mountain, you're going to trip.

If you can't go 1 day without it, try 12 hrs...once that 12 hrs is done, shoot to finish the 24 hrs....if you have never completed 24 hrs straight, that's a huge victory, even if you slip / trip / fall... Then once you know you can do 24, go for 36 hrs...ONLY in small increments like this will you find success.

The other part is, if you want it bad enough, it will happen. Many on this board have wanted to quit bad enough, but they relapsed a few times in the first month, then cleared one month and fall, back on the saddle and carry on.

Many have been clean for years, but the few years before that...huge struggles.

1 hr at a time, then a day at a time...looking forward to reading your next post.
 

joepanic

Well-Known Member
Hey  Mr Slurps

    Ditto what Rookie said  I belive  very steongly in "small victories"  small victories are easy to reach but they are victories none the less  and they are something  to build upon.  I also did some very accentric things.  One was I would drive in my car  with the windows up of course  and I would shout in a very loud voice  "I will not be a porn addict any longer"    "I am stronger than this"  almost like hyping myself up  before a sports match or something    Another benefit of that was I would be out of the house  so porn was not available.  The final benefit was I might have stopped to treat myself  to a bite to eat  or something...  During this time I was able to  think  about the shouting  and rationally think why I wanted to give up porn  re inforce  my reasons for the fight  and gain a bit of strength.  This was only one tactic I would use.  Over time I will try to post more of my ideas on your journal  but they are only usefull if you come here and read and post  often.  I had been an addict for 35 years  and it took me over 2 years of trying  and slipping and relapsing  before finding victory  But victory I have found  and I have never felt better in my whole life

    Cheers

    Post often it helps me it helps you
 

mr.slurps

Active Member
You Guys,    Thanks for the responses.  It means a heck of a lot to me. Joe, the idea of small victories is right on target w/ me. I can set myself up for a whopper of a disappointment and that may set me back longer than need be. I could celebrate milestone.
Also it is dumb to compare myself w/ others. That's another trap I fall into.
Triggers:  Boredom, stress, loneliness (I live alone)
Possible remedies: Meditation, work, chess app.,
Bottom line I need less triggers and better remedies.  (The problem is these triggers come w/ life, at least mine.)
 

mr.slurps

Active Member
Hi Guys,  I'm about into a tail-spin as a guy can go w/ out going into one. Joe I'm taking your advice and posting a lot in the hopes it may help.
That's one of my problems.  In my family real men don't have problems and if they do they don't discuss them.  Nobody would ever ask for help.
That's a rough formula for success where I'm at right now. So this journal is the next best thing.
Now it's time for me to quit acting like a baby (at least for an hour) and put my big boy pants on. I'm just going to get out of the house and go grocery shopping. It will help me get the heck off my cell.
I'm going to continue to fight the good fight because I feel this is an existential war, especially at my age. I really do have to fight like my life depends on it.
Rookie, I'm going to bite off one hour right now b/c that's about all that's left in my tank.
Off to the store...
 

joepanic

Well-Known Member
Hey Mr Slurps

    Hope  you got through  If your still out and get this  just drive a little longer  listen to some tunes  buy some takeout and enjoy. Perhaps do what I did  drive around with the windows up talking in a really loud voice  "I dont need Porn  I am better than that"  say it a few times  yell it if it helps  I  did that several times  found it somewhat theraputic

    As in not telling anyone  I too kept it a secret and I intend to  keep it that way  My upbringing also entailed a man  solving his own problems.  Thats why this is such a great place to come and talk it out  there is always someone listening  or having a small piece of advice.  Some here will tell you your wrong  and you have to divulge  the info  especially if you have a wife  or girlfriend.  Just state your reasons  and  thank them for their input but the reboot is yours.  the relationship can be worked on when you have a more clear head.  Just remember their is always the chance you will be caught and that could be worse    So its best to keep fighting hard to not be looking at it anymore

  Cheers  hope it goes well for you

    Post often it helps me it helps you

  Cheers  hope it goes well for you
 

mr.slurps

Active Member
Hi You Guys,    Thanks for responding/ caring.  On today's menu we have something personal that is not directly related to porn. Also, be forewarned it may be quite corny.
I got the call yesterday that I'd been exposed to someone infected at work and also laid off. Today driving to get tested I was terrified.  I might be dead in 20 days.  (I get the results in 5.)  It occurred to me that I don't want to die.  I love life.
My brain then said to me, "What if you knew you'd be dead in 20 days, what would you do, would you spend some of it jerking off to strangers looking at a phone?"
Two days earlier to escape an edging trap I went for a long random drive. It took me past the state prison. That's when I had an 'ah-ha' moment. I'm free!  It's a bid deal and everyone in the world does not have freedom.
Bottom line-- I've had a bit of a wake-up call.
When I got home from the test I blocked Chrome which I was using to access porn.
 

mr.slurps

Active Member
Hi you guys,  Thanks for those responding/caring.

I want to let you guys know that the way I'm feeling now even a simple, "Hang in there" or "You can do this" etc. can make a huge difference if I happen to read it at the right moment.
So don't feel like you need to write some lengthy smart reply (which I sometimes do). I'm going to try to practice what I preach, so to UK,  Imnot, Joe, Rookie and the rest, here's my message to you guys--
Good work!
 

Rookie

Active Member
I usually check every day for updates...keep the gloves on bro. You're the one in the ring, but we're in your corner, and cut men...
 

mr.slurps

Active Member
Hey Pal,  Thanks for being in my corner.  I've sorely needed it lately.  Today has been better, thank goodness.  I still had to take a long drive to clear my head.
How are you?
 

Rookie

Active Member
Being somewhat of a skeptic on things lately (the previous description people gave me was "conspiracy theorist") my stress got a bit elevated. I follow a few interesting folks on Twitter (nothing regarding my addiction) and the stuff they posted, they predicted Micheal Flynn's release last month. However, they predicted May 7th. And a few more things I found out, not worth going into here.

Anyway, that stress of Christ coming back (I'm a Christian that believes the next time Christ comes, it's the end), and I would be indulging in this...sorry, but the temptation is kind of dead at the moment...thank you sir.

Glad you're still fighting. Keep it up...the days we can look at, and say, "yep, that was a tough one, really tough, but I didn't cave" are very, very proud days.
 

jcwright

Member
Just so you know you got one more person in your corner. So many great things are waiting for you. Don't ever get off this ship, friend.

Feel free to read my journal. I explained how I reached the 90-day mark (and counting)
 

mr.slurps

Active Member
Thanks JC and Rookie,  Your support means a lot to me. I think this whole forum/site has made a world of difference for me. People are really generous and caring.  You just don't find that everywhere- at least not in my world. (especially for free lol)
I've finally strung together a strong 3 day string. Hopefully I'll start to get back some of the traction that I lost.
 

Rookie

Active Member
3 days is huge!!! I always found that's when the pull to go back was the strongest!! It's also where there are voices in your head saying "you only have 3 days in, might as well keep watching, and start over"....

Get to 5 days and you're on your way...you're in the danger zone of falling again...legs are wobbly, knees are shaking...instead of sitting down, do like the boxers do, jump around and keep away. If you sit now, there's a chance you'll give in.

Keep the fight, let's count to 10 like they do in a boxing match, and re-calibrate...then tomorrow, come out swinging.
 

mr.slurps

Active Member
Hiya Rook,  Thanks for putting this in perspective for me.  3 days is huge! You helped me adjust my angle just enough to feel good instead of bad.
I'm still in the ring, a bit battered and bruised, and definitely scared.
So what I'm trying to do is look at it like my foe, addiction, has taken a few straight ones to the jaw also. His legs may be feeling a bit wobbly like mine. He doesn't seem as cocky as he did 67 days ago when we first got in the ring together (plenty of relapses.)
His smirky little grin like he knows he'll knock me out is gone.
Right now he's winning on points and knocked me down more than once. This fight could go either way.
It helps to have you in my corner Pal.
 

Rookie

Active Member
I know the fight I have still going on now. Especially with the lack of intimacy my wife has right now. I don't know if it's the stress she's going through at work, if it's menopause that's starting, or what is going on with her. But yea, not much relief.

What I can say, is that the first three weeks, I felt like I had blue balls every day...and walked around half mast. I suspect I had the attitude of "sulking" cause I wasn't getting relief, and I couldn't / can't tell her about my addiction right now. She's emotional fragile. So, it was a fight.

But now, 50 + days in...absolutely no strain down there at all. I am still careful on the movies I'm watching...I know some triggers are still there. Stupid bikini and ads of the sort on our Facebook page (she's always browsing crap online, so it reflects in the feed, and since we share our FB...I see it all). But, I scroll past and I keep telling myself "you're halfway up the mountain, you don't want to trip now, you have great momentum".

All this to say, there are some aspects that are much, much easier. But the temptations, still very strong some days.

Keep fighting bro, I can tell you that the 50 day journey, is very hard at the start, but it's very, very worth it.
 

mr.slurps

Active Member
Hiya Rook,  It sounds like you're really dialed in on your triggers.  That's a good strategy.  I need to improve there.
As far as the wife thing I'm ignorant but I do know you're dialed in to her and her needs. That's got to be a good thing.
Walking around at half-mast for a 3 weeks!  I haven't done that since high school. Maybe it's a good sign.
You got 50!  It may be half way up the mountain (depends on the size of the mtn.), but it is definitely a good-sized chunk.
I'm proud of you Pal.
 

Joel

Active Member
Just read your entries - Jeez, what a rollercoaster. Awesome how you're turning up for yourself despite these feelings you have about not being deserving or good enough (is the impression I got). We need to start from a place of saying - I'm here, and I'm good, and I'm worthy. You're not defined by this addiction, you're not good only if you beat this, or if you get 3 or 30 or 300 days. I know how worthless this habit can make you feel.

I've started listening to 'porn free radio' podcast, which I'd recommend. A recent episode, he said he had more respect for the man who turns up authentic, in trouble and vulnerable, but turning up, who needs the community; rather than the man who comes with his '10 tools to help me beat this' (who's working from a fear based motivation).

Sorry, lots of rambling, hope your day's going well
 
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