Bang on Rookie. Wise words.
Mr S - the incident with the journal must have been very painful for you and I can sense it still is.
As for my 'low point' - I am a worrier, a catastrophiser. Big time. The outside world wouldn't know but my wife knows and so do I. 9 years ago, we were living in Sydney. I had just started to explore the world of 'interactive' porn - in that I was communicating with others for the first time rather than just looking at pics/vids. Not necessarily chat, but messaging and responding to pictures posted by willing 3rd parties on amateur sites. One woman captivated me - I can't even remember what I did/said/sent now (honestly), but whatever it was, I became obsessed with the thought that I would somehow get into trouble for obscene communications. Of course I wouldn't (not least because what I did wasn't illegal, plus I now know that there are millions of 'dick pix' etc flying around the internet each hour of the day.) But the thought took root, and I became terrified that there would be consequences and even a visit from the police. Whilst this seems utterly ridiculous to write now, it was very real. To make matters worse, I was flying back to the UK to meet some friends for a big soccer game - first time my team had been in the FA Cup final for 30 years. What should have been a brilliant trip was utterly dominated by my rapidly increasing fear and paranoia, mixed with guilt and shame....but mostly the fear (of being found out). I'd also drunk a fair bit of alcohol throughout the trip, which didn't help, and I got to the point where I was completely frozen with worry, stress, anxiety etc. So what did I do?...I called my wife in Aus from the UK and confessed all. Problem solved (albeit somewhat selfishly). To be fair, she was brilliant (as she always is), but of course I still occasionally remember what happened and immediately feel that pang of embarrassment and humiliation - about my act, about my inability to deal with it, about how daft it seems now. It may be that you feel a similar way when you think back about what was exposed in that diary. Perhaps an added pain is that your situation was actually worse as it was born out of malice on the part of your wife, but as Rookie says...those words in the journal, whatever they were weren't YOU...they reflected an aspect of you, and I assume that they were written in a way that reflected your desire to improve that aspect of your life? Even though my wife forgave me and had immediate perspective, I had to forgive and accept myself (including for the many other occasions afterwards where the behaviour was repeated and became normalised for me).
You say "I'm asking for caring that I don't give myself, advice that I can't give others, and asking you guys to open your ears to someone that feels like he has nothing to offer." Let's assume this is true for the moment (I don't think the last part is, incidentally). Why do we indulge Mr Slurps? Well I can't speak for others, but I can speak for myself....
I believe in you. You are authentic. You have humility. You are a good man. (Plus you are smart and funny) I am willing to invest in you because I believe that even though the outcome is not guaranteed, there is a kernal of potential inside Mr Slurps and even though I've never met you, and most probably never will, seeing that kernal spark into life and become an unstoppably force of growth within you would make me very, very satisfied. In short, you are worth it. What you need to do now is start to believe that yourself, and learn to give yourself that caring that you currently withhold from yourself. Re-read Rookie's words. You are not porn, you are not those pages of your journal, you are not your past mistakes. Don't let them define you and limit your potential and happiness. That, if it happens, is a choice. Your choice. Choose better. You deserve it my friend.
