Covid quarantine and recovery

[aquarius25]

I saw a post in the main forum regarding this topic and thought I would start one here. How is quarantine effecting your recovery? Is it helping? Is it hurting? How so?

For myself in some ways it?s helpful because on one hand we have more time together. On the other our time together always has kids around. The stress if being a small biz owner add a lot to the tension and stress in the house. Then there is the fact that there is no real escape from each other. I mean we do get away from each other every once in a while but. We are together a lot. I sometimes feel like I am suffocating with this hurt and thoughts of his porn addiction. I feel like it?s important to be able to get out and enjoy each other too and with everything closed there isn?t much opportunity for a ?date night?. We have tried to go on neighborhood walks together so that helps a bit bit we both feel a bit uncomfortable talking when all of our neighbors are around.
So that?s my experience. What?s yours?

 

[NoWifeNoStrife]

Well, divorces have gone through the roof during quarantine...so I would guess it hasn't been great for most couples. Kind of a bitch to find out you hardly know the person you married because you never had to spend any time with them before.

 

[kopp]

I relapsed more often due to boredom during quarantine. My internet addiction got wilder. Otherwise it had so many positive effects on me. I have the luxury to be quarantined with my girlfriend and her parents in their house, near nature.

It cured my girlfriend's depression. She's so lovely now. Quarantine has been a huge boost for our couple. So no it's not something awful for ALL couples.

I worked out like crazy. There's just nothing else to do for me here. We went running often, we work out almost everyday, we bike sometimes., we're outside everyday.. I took 3kg (6.6lbs) of mostly muscle mass.

 

[Sanders]

Hi Aquarius,

Quarantine times are though indeed. I can tell a bit about my situation here, the whole corona situation has made quite an impact on it. I hope to get your input too because I'm trying to find a way to make this better for my wife.

For about three weeks now my wife knows about my addiction, 6,5 years we've been together. We have a one bedroom house so much privacy isn't really possible. I've moved to her country so I can't really stay at family for some time or fly back home. Friends I don't really have much, but my wife feels like she can't trust me when I'm somewhere else. Being in the same house has a good side but also bad sides. The 'good' part is that I can see how much hurt my actions have caused and how my wife is physically and mentally in pain. Even though it's horrible, it's important for me to see how my actions have impacted her. If I'd moved out for some time I wouldn't know the real length or her struggles. This helps me want to quit porn more. Another good thing is that I can be of 'phsical help' in the house. Cleaning, food, taking care of the dog and all. She doesn't need to worry about these things, she can follow her own process. Another good thing is that I can't really see any porn related things. We've blocked everything on my devices and she can see everything I do on phones and laptops. Physically I'm not able to get to porn which is good!

The bad things is that I feel like every time she sees me she feels hurt. I try to be as much outside as possible by taking walks, cycling, taking the dog out and whatnot. Given how fresh this situation is we're not really doing any nice things together. First just getting through the pain before looking forward. The lack of sleep is hurting us both. Since I'm also turning away from porn at the samae time, I get pretty easily irritated. This ofcourse doesn't help our situation. Giving space is also difficult to actually do when you're in the same house. I want to give her the physical space, but still I want to try to do everything to make her heal and feel a little bit better.

Not really sure whether it's good or bad, but I'll have to take it as it is.  Good luck to you both!

 

[kopp]

@Sanders I think it'd be positive for both of you to have some little space sometimes. Make friends, don't stay alone. Your story is touching, stay strong brother. You're awesome.

 

[aquarius25]

Sanders, I am going to tell you my perspective but I also want you to know that I am just a person. You run it through your own filter and do what you think it right. So that out of the way...

First, I want to commend you for realizing that is it helpful for you to see her hurt. Most men don't tell their wives or they try to diminish it because they (if they are going to be honest) can't handle to see the hurt in their partner. They might not be ready to face the real consequences to their actions. This is so important in your recovery process as well as hers. There is so much for her in her to go through in her process. Mine feels like a train wreck, lol. (if you want to read the whole long exhausting thing I have a journal in the woman's section. Also full disclosure my husband has two journals one from years ago when we first started this journey and one he started recently after a relapse, he is Metal22) Its important to read others accounts because it lends perspective to what your wife MIGHT (she is different her experience is her own) be going through.

At the end of the day the work you are doing is right. Keep doing it, keep trying but one things I would add is to communicate. Even if she shuts you down. Keep trying to talk. Ask her how she is feeling even when you know you might not like the answer. The best thing for her is to know you love her and you care and you want your relationship to be more that the hurt. She may be focusing on her hurt and her past. You need to show her through actions and words what kind of future you want to build with her. That can give her hope. That is what she needs. Talk about what she is feeling. Apologize and continue to take ownership for the past and ask her what she needs to heal. Ask her and discuss together what your future might look like. What are your hopes and make plans for how to get there. Most importantly tell and and show her you love her. She needs to know she matters, she is loved, and that you are trying. That you are trying to love her more than your addiction to porn.

I am so sorry for your hurting relationship but know it is possible to repair. I am praying for you! Feel free to reach out and message me with any questions. I am happy to help any way I can. I would also encourage you to show your wife this site. SHe might find support that she might not have in her everyday life. It is really hard when you don't have others you can process with.

 

[Sanders]

Hi Aquarius,

Thank you so much for your reply. It means a lot to get an insight from someone who has been hurt by a similar situation. Also, thank Kopp for the encouraging words. I quoted one of your quotes on my journal yesterday

I haven't gone through your journal yet but I will soon, trying to find the time for it. I notice that I'm becoming more aware but that I can't control what she is thinking or what she wants. She had an image of me, but to her that person has 'died'. How she sees me now is a collection of my failures and lies, I hope she can also see the effort that I'm putting in but that's up to her. I'm ready to do everything I can, unfortunately I didn't confess myself that I wanted to stop this. If she wouldn't have found out then I might've just continued for as long as I could. Not that I wanted this, but I couldn't escape it by myself. In a way it's good that my 13 year long secret has finally been exposed, unfortunately I couldn't stop it just before we started our relationship. The tricky part is that she has to trust me after I've been lying to her for years, it's now a bit over three weeks since it happened so it's pretty fresh.

I've got to admit that things are weird, messed up and strange. Two broken people that are just trying to do something about this messed up situation. The little moments where she smiles or laughs are great, I have to hold on to those. I've accepted her request to sleep outside for a week. We have a terrace that's covered so it's alright. Seeing her smile before I was going there was strange, however something positive after weeks of shit.

Listening is still tricky. I feel my vocabulary is limited to a few phrases and I can't really explain or apologise more. "I'm truly sorry for causing that, it must feel horrible", "I'm sorry you feel that way, my actions have destroyed so much" and the like. She called me a broken record that just keeps repeating the same thing over and over. I understand that but I don't know what else I can do. I'm just feeling that I continue to ramble on and not really moving anywhere. However my porn-addiction battle is pretty easy. Day 24 now and haven't really had any urges. To much clutter in my brain to think about that, plus that it's not physically possible to get to porn due to the lockdown.

Anyways, thanks again. Means a lot to me. I'll have a go at your journal and I hope that you can look forward to a happy future together.

All the best!

 

[kopp]

I think what she means when she says you're a broken record is that she wants action, no excuses (don't be sorry) and no talking, just actions and results.

I just read your journal's two last posts. I like that my journal helps people

 

[aquarius25]

Sanders, yes I would echo Kopp in that action is going to be louder than any words. I would also encourage you to read some books. If she is willing you guys can both read them and then discuss together? If not, then read them yourself. One that my husband and I LOVED was Love you, Hate Porn. IT was so great and it gave him a ton of insight into what I was feeling. I think she would probably appreciate being able to read and know that she isn't alone in this. Even if she doesn't want to discuss with you, her seeing you educating yourself and taking these steps is exactly the seeds that will help. She will see it and even though she might be distant and hesitant to say anything it will still mean something. At least I know that was how I felt. She is probably going through a certain amount of shock too, so give her time. Maybe even mention this site as a recourse for her too. Just putting it out there. Good luck. I really hope and pray for you two to be able to mend and repair your relationship and family.