LetItGoAlready
Active Member
Sounds like your persistence paid off, Joel. Great work!
You've done it before, you'll do it again. Full confidence in you!
nofap journal
- Thread starter Joel
- Start date
Sounds like your persistence paid off, Joel. Great work!
You've done it before, you'll do it again. Full confidence in you!
Thanks Liga!
Day 6
Woke up this morning with a kind of porn dream happening in my mind. I dozed and played fantasy - not completely my fault, but a better version of me would have seen what was happening and got out of bed. Wife is having her time of the month for a week. Sex wasn't on the table. If it was, would I have behaved myself, or played with fantasy for the high? As I was bloated with fantasies and happy chemicals from earlier. Who knows. All I can do is vizualize doing the deed healthily and hope to succeed at healthy sex next time the opportunity comes along. Now I have a nice opportunity to put sexuality out of my mind for a week and clock up a few more clean days.
Did my hour's work on my wife's unprotected Mac (and wife left the house, of course). It did occur to me that I could relapse, then, boy, my heart started thumping. I didn't need to do much to resist this. Tomorrow it will be a week completely clean, I didn't want to screw that up for the 3rd time running, and I wanted to be accountable here. Thanks everyone out there being part of this community and keeping me grounded. So, I thought, this streak may be short, but it's an important one.
Keeping up my healthy habits. My exercise has lagged recently, so my workout yesterday left me with a few uncomfortable aches and pains, got to ease through the discomfort to where I can exercise without it leaving me too sore. Though I don't always stretch down as much as I should!
So, a good day. Going to get some exercise in now
Day 6
Woke up this morning with a kind of porn dream happening in my mind. I dozed and played fantasy - not completely my fault, but a better version of me would have seen what was happening and got out of bed. Wife is having her time of the month for a week. Sex wasn't on the table. If it was, would I have behaved myself, or played with fantasy for the high? As I was bloated with fantasies and happy chemicals from earlier. Who knows. All I can do is vizualize doing the deed healthily and hope to succeed at healthy sex next time the opportunity comes along. Now I have a nice opportunity to put sexuality out of my mind for a week and clock up a few more clean days.
Did my hour's work on my wife's unprotected Mac (and wife left the house, of course). It did occur to me that I could relapse, then, boy, my heart started thumping. I didn't need to do much to resist this. Tomorrow it will be a week completely clean, I didn't want to screw that up for the 3rd time running, and I wanted to be accountable here. Thanks everyone out there being part of this community and keeping me grounded. So, I thought, this streak may be short, but it's an important one.
Keeping up my healthy habits. My exercise has lagged recently, so my workout yesterday left me with a few uncomfortable aches and pains, got to ease through the discomfort to where I can exercise without it leaving me too sore. Though I don't always stretch down as much as I should!
So, a good day. Going to get some exercise in now
Congrats on 6 days, Joel! Awesome.
I wanted to touch on something you previously said in reply:
This right here is the winning ticket! I'm so grateful that you'll celebrate 1 week, and with this means of dismissing urges, you'll be able to celebrate 1 month, 1 year, 1 decade, 1 lifetime free from your former habits.
I like how you also said that your heart was racing with the thought of relapsing, as being aware of our physiology during urges helps us to identify them, and to mindfully and non-judgmentally dismiss them. It helps us to, if they should come in waves, to dismiss them each time accordingly.
Blessings, brother- you got this!
I wanted to touch on something you previously said in reply:
This right here is the winning ticket! I'm so grateful that you'll celebrate 1 week, and with this means of dismissing urges, you'll be able to celebrate 1 month, 1 year, 1 decade, 1 lifetime free from your former habits.
I like how you also said that your heart was racing with the thought of relapsing, as being aware of our physiology during urges helps us to identify them, and to mindfully and non-judgmentally dismiss them. It helps us to, if they should come in waves, to dismiss them each time accordingly.
Blessings, brother- you got this!
1 week! whoop! I'll be getting takeout tonight
Faced all challenges today, practiced good habits (and getting used to the exercise!). As for negative habits, there was some P fantasy spinning this morning. Such a common habit when I wake up feeling 'morningish'. I'm getting better at this though, as I see now it's not really allowed. I stop myself by saying, 'That's PORN. You're playing it in your head. If you want to be clean that means NO PORN.'
Thanks so much @Phin. Yes, I never thought of that. It shouldn't be, 'Oh, no! Look, my heart is thumping.' It should be - 'Oh, look, my heart is thumping, that's what the body does when I indulge bad ideas.' Objectively look at the physicality - such a game changer.
Faced all challenges today, practiced good habits (and getting used to the exercise!). As for negative habits, there was some P fantasy spinning this morning. Such a common habit when I wake up feeling 'morningish'. I'm getting better at this though, as I see now it's not really allowed. I stop myself by saying, 'That's PORN. You're playing it in your head. If you want to be clean that means NO PORN.'
Thanks so much @Phin. Yes, I never thought of that. It shouldn't be, 'Oh, no! Look, my heart is thumping.' It should be - 'Oh, look, my heart is thumping, that's what the body does when I indulge bad ideas.' Objectively look at the physicality - such a game changer.
Congratulations on 1 week, Joel!
Practicing good habits, recognizing (non-judgmentally) bad habits, and dismissing urges- with a strong determination: "If you want to be clean that means NO PORN.' "
Indeed, it is a game changer. Separating ourselves from our urges, from our unwanted-habits, and learning to observe as an outsider as we focus on our breathing. This is how we dismiss urges without going into the weird behavior loop that perpetuates our addiction.
Good job, brother!
Practicing good habits, recognizing (non-judgmentally) bad habits, and dismissing urges- with a strong determination: "If you want to be clean that means NO PORN.' "
Indeed, it is a game changer. Separating ourselves from our urges, from our unwanted-habits, and learning to observe as an outsider as we focus on our breathing. This is how we dismiss urges without going into the weird behavior loop that perpetuates our addiction.
Good job, brother!
Thanks Phin!
Day 8
Bad night?s sleep ? today I?m groggy and triggered by the discomfort. Being very cautious and making it a day of low hanging fruit. Keeping up my good habits ? doing small versions of them though! And doing well at avoiding the bad habits (?if this is a streak, you can?t play a fantasy in your head ? that?s the same as watching P? ? that mantra is a huge game changer - just had to say it again! )
Good moment to write about an interesting moment I had. I?ve been doing ?writing practice? ? writing my thoughts, and I read a challenge ? ?write about something you do, something that is uncomfortable to write about.? I felt I had to write about PA ? it was very painful to begin with (?Nobody can ever see this?), but I loosened up and even mentioned my P fetishes and my bemusement over them.
At the same time, I read a good Mark Manson essay on Self Awareness, stand out statements 1 ? self awareness should only go so far before it?s self indulgent (I don?t need to over-analyse my fetishes, which P has partly created). statement 2 ? the point of self awareness is self acceptance (not ? Jesus, look, at me, I?m a piece of s***). And when you can accept this very human part of yourself (ie your faults, because we all have them), you can be accepting of others.
Wow, this really touched something in me. I?m so judgmental of others. I have this special expectation for people that I?ve created and the world is continuously failing to live up to it. One silly but perfect example came up for me that day. I watched a YouTube video by a content creator I like, and ? idiot rubber-necker that I am ? I scrolled to the comments, and I saw a mean, nasty, but patiently thought out and written comment. Things like that make me despair for mankind, because it?s a culture that didn?t exist a few years ago. Back then we may have had angry letters to an editor, but this modern kind of thing seems to show how people are getting meaner and dumber.
Now, I think, a YouTube comment is the guy?s negativity coming out. My negativity comes out through an attitude about women and P, and it strikes me as more acceptable as it?s a bad habit, but at least it?s not calculated to make others feel shit. My fetish comes out of not feeling in control of my life and the world around me, a sense of entitlement I?ve always had, and the general negativity of day to day life that can push down on me.
So I can accept his actions without despairing for all of modern man, and see him as a fellow human being, instead of seeing the human race becoming a weird alien race that I can?t comprehend and have nothing in common with. Self awareness, self acceptance and acceptance of others, people!
Time to shuffle through the rest of the day
Day 8
Bad night?s sleep ? today I?m groggy and triggered by the discomfort. Being very cautious and making it a day of low hanging fruit. Keeping up my good habits ? doing small versions of them though! And doing well at avoiding the bad habits (?if this is a streak, you can?t play a fantasy in your head ? that?s the same as watching P? ? that mantra is a huge game changer - just had to say it again! )
Good moment to write about an interesting moment I had. I?ve been doing ?writing practice? ? writing my thoughts, and I read a challenge ? ?write about something you do, something that is uncomfortable to write about.? I felt I had to write about PA ? it was very painful to begin with (?Nobody can ever see this?), but I loosened up and even mentioned my P fetishes and my bemusement over them.
At the same time, I read a good Mark Manson essay on Self Awareness, stand out statements 1 ? self awareness should only go so far before it?s self indulgent (I don?t need to over-analyse my fetishes, which P has partly created). statement 2 ? the point of self awareness is self acceptance (not ? Jesus, look, at me, I?m a piece of s***). And when you can accept this very human part of yourself (ie your faults, because we all have them), you can be accepting of others.
Wow, this really touched something in me. I?m so judgmental of others. I have this special expectation for people that I?ve created and the world is continuously failing to live up to it. One silly but perfect example came up for me that day. I watched a YouTube video by a content creator I like, and ? idiot rubber-necker that I am ? I scrolled to the comments, and I saw a mean, nasty, but patiently thought out and written comment. Things like that make me despair for mankind, because it?s a culture that didn?t exist a few years ago. Back then we may have had angry letters to an editor, but this modern kind of thing seems to show how people are getting meaner and dumber.
Now, I think, a YouTube comment is the guy?s negativity coming out. My negativity comes out through an attitude about women and P, and it strikes me as more acceptable as it?s a bad habit, but at least it?s not calculated to make others feel shit. My fetish comes out of not feeling in control of my life and the world around me, a sense of entitlement I?ve always had, and the general negativity of day to day life that can push down on me.
So I can accept his actions without despairing for all of modern man, and see him as a fellow human being, instead of seeing the human race becoming a weird alien race that I can?t comprehend and have nothing in common with. Self awareness, self acceptance and acceptance of others, people!
Time to shuffle through the rest of the day
Good self-awareness!
I have things I journal about as well, that "no one can see this"- hence, I use codes, lol...! Writing about particular fetishes, now that's something I haven't done..., though I have analyized them, like, 'Why am I into this...?'- beyond the obvious.
This is actually something one can learn from Buddhism, a kind of radical self-acceptance (an actual book with this title, Radical Acceptance!).
I know what you mean too, about how folk are getting meaner and dumber, lol...! A very scary place to be in as a society. But, as you said, to turn this around to being accepting (and loving) of others also.
Compassion, including all- ourselves, and others.
Be well.
I have things I journal about as well, that "no one can see this"- hence, I use codes, lol...! Writing about particular fetishes, now that's something I haven't done..., though I have analyized them, like, 'Why am I into this...?'- beyond the obvious.
This is actually something one can learn from Buddhism, a kind of radical self-acceptance (an actual book with this title, Radical Acceptance!).
I know what you mean too, about how folk are getting meaner and dumber, lol...! A very scary place to be in as a society. But, as you said, to turn this around to being accepting (and loving) of others also.
Compassion, including all- ourselves, and others.
Be well.
LetItGoAlready
Active Member
Joel - Agree with Phineas. Great self-awareness and well done challenging those thoughts that skirt around the edge of P yet are just as potent. You're doing well!
Agree with Phin and LIGA, excellent self-awareness. Something to keep in mind though: The comment sections of places like YouTube are shining examples of the worst of humanity. Keyboard warriors would be a joke if they weren't so sad. I used to be on Reddit for hours on end and it's similar. I don't miss it at all. Keep digging deep and seeing through the bs!
Day 1
Thanks, guys! Really grateful for everyone right now. Just relapsed and despite all the negative feelings, really means a lot to have people to turn to and feel less alone in this. I'll check out that book Phin. And so true, Norm. I must ride the urge to scroll YT comments. It's a very 'rubber neck' instinct. 'Will it be so bad? ...Yes, it is'
Reset yesterday. The slippery slope started on Friday morning. I just felt ?itchy? with urges and a low mood. Then a facebook ad triggered me. Then a couple of gateway searches. I pulled myself out of it. but the next day my wife surprised me by saying she was going out, I immediately started planning my day and the healthy things I would do, I thought furiously and focusedly about my plan and tools; then something else just took over. ?I get to take the drug.? My addict was as strong a bull and white noise drowned any rational voice .
Thinking about it. My slip may have started on Thursday. After a bad night?s sleep, I felt awful, and planned a not-very-challenging day; a clever thing to do. but I think on this day I allowed stupid thoughts in ? ?I?m being deprived in this life/ I?m bored.? Sure, it?s lock down, life is boring, I?m reading up on Zen and accepting bad moods. We?re not supposed to feel awesome all the time. But I should have ignored or processed those negative thoughts. Might have made a difference.
As for the next step? Been trying to align myself with my long streak that ended 6-ish weeks ago so I could carry on my happy P-free life. I think my idea is something like: ?If a new streak goes on long enough, I?ll cancel out the damage of the recent bad behaviour?. But I?m going in a cycle of urges and relapse at the moment. I need to start a streak, hit some milestones, and aim to get to 90. The 90-day streak is a good, goal-orientated tool; NF is my priority during this time. it?s frustrating to have to put other things on the back burner during this time, and I should use that frustration as a motivation ? I?m sick of being in this place... well, don?t take the easy, indulgent road next time, then.
What could I have done differently? ...when suddenly being left home alone? The weather wasn?t so bad. I could have grabbed my ipod and got out there, could have made a phone call and talked to someone while outside. The lazy part of me wanted to stay home ? I?d been planning home things; so I sat and I sat (in bed!), until indulging felt like a good idea. TBH it took me by surprised a bit, because I haven't succumbed to a relapsed like that in months.
On Friday, when I started slipping but pushed through the urges ? I should have gone to my nofap material. My Why's, my affirmations and so on. On that note, I?ve been very focused these days on the positives of recovery. ?I?ll be more focused, more loving, I can work better, I can read and write more, etc?. I need to remind myself of the negatives of P more. It?s a huge motivation ? I hate the brain fog, the motivation it saps, the brainless monkey it turns me into, the hopelessness and depression it creates...
Will be back soon with a check in, and report on some tangible actions/ changes I've taken.
Thanks, guys! Really grateful for everyone right now. Just relapsed and despite all the negative feelings, really means a lot to have people to turn to and feel less alone in this. I'll check out that book Phin. And so true, Norm. I must ride the urge to scroll YT comments. It's a very 'rubber neck' instinct. 'Will it be so bad? ...Yes, it is'
Reset yesterday. The slippery slope started on Friday morning. I just felt ?itchy? with urges and a low mood. Then a facebook ad triggered me. Then a couple of gateway searches. I pulled myself out of it. but the next day my wife surprised me by saying she was going out, I immediately started planning my day and the healthy things I would do, I thought furiously and focusedly about my plan and tools; then something else just took over. ?I get to take the drug.? My addict was as strong a bull and white noise drowned any rational voice .
Thinking about it. My slip may have started on Thursday. After a bad night?s sleep, I felt awful, and planned a not-very-challenging day; a clever thing to do. but I think on this day I allowed stupid thoughts in ? ?I?m being deprived in this life/ I?m bored.? Sure, it?s lock down, life is boring, I?m reading up on Zen and accepting bad moods. We?re not supposed to feel awesome all the time. But I should have ignored or processed those negative thoughts. Might have made a difference.
As for the next step? Been trying to align myself with my long streak that ended 6-ish weeks ago so I could carry on my happy P-free life. I think my idea is something like: ?If a new streak goes on long enough, I?ll cancel out the damage of the recent bad behaviour?. But I?m going in a cycle of urges and relapse at the moment. I need to start a streak, hit some milestones, and aim to get to 90. The 90-day streak is a good, goal-orientated tool; NF is my priority during this time. it?s frustrating to have to put other things on the back burner during this time, and I should use that frustration as a motivation ? I?m sick of being in this place... well, don?t take the easy, indulgent road next time, then.
What could I have done differently? ...when suddenly being left home alone? The weather wasn?t so bad. I could have grabbed my ipod and got out there, could have made a phone call and talked to someone while outside. The lazy part of me wanted to stay home ? I?d been planning home things; so I sat and I sat (in bed!), until indulging felt like a good idea. TBH it took me by surprised a bit, because I haven't succumbed to a relapsed like that in months.
On Friday, when I started slipping but pushed through the urges ? I should have gone to my nofap material. My Why's, my affirmations and so on. On that note, I?ve been very focused these days on the positives of recovery. ?I?ll be more focused, more loving, I can work better, I can read and write more, etc?. I need to remind myself of the negatives of P more. It?s a huge motivation ? I hate the brain fog, the motivation it saps, the brainless monkey it turns me into, the hopelessness and depression it creates...
Will be back soon with a check in, and report on some tangible actions/ changes I've taken.
I'm so proud of what you've accomplished lately in saying, 'NO!' to this stuff for 8 days! And, as you said, you've done even longer streaks before around 6 weeks ago?
I know sometimes we think of 'rewarding' ourselves, like, I abstained for X-amount of time, I deserve this..., that kind of entitled thinking- just a suggestion...
If I may be of help...
The urges must have come from some cue, whether it was internal (moods, memories, etc), or external (seeing something, etc).
The gateway searches, as you know, were a response to the urges, hence a perpetuation of the habit. Pulling yourself out of it was good and important. But what were your thought processes after that? What were your emotions toward the urges and the little skirmish that you had with them? The thoughts and emotions, whether for or against, also feed into the response to the urges, which perpetuate the habit.
As a help- in the future, Joel, if it got that far, and you were doing gateway searches, and you pulled out- or switched it up, then kind of just breathe through it deeply (especially if your heart is racing, and breath is shallow, with anticipation). And kind of just forget about it. Don't judge it as either good or bad, simply let it go, knowing that it's just your sensitized pathways trying to 'get a hit' of dopamine.
It's funny how that happens, right? I used to wonder at it, like, when I'm "doing good" or have extra determination, suddenly the wife goes out of town! But, we'll learn how to deal with whatever cue comes across us, how to dismiss the urges.
Notice how it unfolded. Even though you were furiously planning positive things to do to counter the urges, or the opportunity, you were nonetheless reacting to the urges, and hence, perpetuating the habit. Please hear me, I'm not saying that you were necessarily planning to do stuff, despite the positive thoughts- I'm simply saying that it was all habit taking over at that point. We want to avoid that tug-of-war scenario at all costs, even though rationally we mean well, perhaps our intentions mean well, but as long as we react to the urges, we're still perpetuating the unwanted habit.
You're right to identify all the thoughts that went into this, like, "...life is boring during lockdown" etc... the excuses, and all that, is just the lower brain trying to get you to act on the urges. But, as you also identified, these are just thoughts, and thoughts by themselves, urges by themselves, cannot make you act on them.
Good on you for reading that Zen book, that will help you accept bad moods, as before, our bad habits were how we dealt with them. Learning how to cope with uncomfortable feelings is important for us in a broader sense of rewiring. But these won't have to be anything we completely figure out before we can start dismissing urges.
Yes! Find out what worked for you during that long streak. That's what I try to do, too. Figure out what worked for me, and what worked against me. Even the feeling, "...my happy P-free life" is a good one to keep in mind.
Good thought processes here. I know, I freak out on how long it takes for the neurochemicals released from P-use that stay in the brain, to subside, like between 6-8 weeks! That's about 42-56 days for DeltaFos B, and straight up 56 days for Hypofrontality to be on the mend. That kind of motivates me when I strive for longer streaks, and helps me be more compassionate on myself if, 2-3 weeks in I'm still having urges.
NF is ideal (and the name of your journal, lol...), as it's all a part of the habits you want to change.
The indulgent road does seem easy, doesn't it? The urges sometimes feel like 'life-and-death', but the more you refuse to react to, or can dismiss them, the less urgent they will be. But this is not easy, in that there is discomfort in saying 'No' to these urges, but it will get easier- as you've experienced before.
Sure, anything to do instead of reacting to the urges, just make sure that you're not doing these things because of the urges, as that reacts to them. Just let the urges be, acknowledge them without judgement, but do something else until they harmlessly subside. One can even sit there with the urges, ackowledging them, without acting on them, or responding to them, and notice that these urges do of themselves subside. Learning this is key to recovery.
I know what you mean about being taken by surprise. I had completed a 34 day stint before coming back to RN, and was surprized how deep into it I could go, despite having that streak! But, that is the power of habit that we're dealing with. But you can do this!
Yes, going to those things are important, but more- I would say- on a regular basis, at least when you're trying to start and maintain a real and sharp focus, which we need to seriously deal with this stuff. But (if I may say) I wouldn't do those things, however positive, just so you can 'push through the urges', because that's reacting to them, strengthening them. You don't want to 'push through', 'push against', 'fight against' or even 'reason against' the urges, as all these things only strengthen the same nueral pathways. You just want to acknowledge the urges non-judgementally, and breathe through them, and dismiss them as fleeting (albeit strong at times) thought. These are 'fight-or-flight' reactions that the urges bring on from the lower brain, but you from the higher brain (prefrontal cortex) can override and veto these urges, and simply let them pass.
But, yes, remember these negative feelings that you feel now, because in the future it will help you: like, what I'm feeling now with these urges is negative, but it feels far worse and for quite a while after giving in to these urges. So, dismissing urges is a little uncomfortable, but far less negative feeling compared to what comes after indulging them.
You got this, Joel. I believe in you!
I know sometimes we think of 'rewarding' ourselves, like, I abstained for X-amount of time, I deserve this..., that kind of entitled thinking- just a suggestion...
If I may be of help...
The urges must have come from some cue, whether it was internal (moods, memories, etc), or external (seeing something, etc).
The gateway searches, as you know, were a response to the urges, hence a perpetuation of the habit. Pulling yourself out of it was good and important. But what were your thought processes after that? What were your emotions toward the urges and the little skirmish that you had with them? The thoughts and emotions, whether for or against, also feed into the response to the urges, which perpetuate the habit.
As a help- in the future, Joel, if it got that far, and you were doing gateway searches, and you pulled out- or switched it up, then kind of just breathe through it deeply (especially if your heart is racing, and breath is shallow, with anticipation). And kind of just forget about it. Don't judge it as either good or bad, simply let it go, knowing that it's just your sensitized pathways trying to 'get a hit' of dopamine.
It's funny how that happens, right? I used to wonder at it, like, when I'm "doing good" or have extra determination, suddenly the wife goes out of town! But, we'll learn how to deal with whatever cue comes across us, how to dismiss the urges.
Notice how it unfolded. Even though you were furiously planning positive things to do to counter the urges, or the opportunity, you were nonetheless reacting to the urges, and hence, perpetuating the habit. Please hear me, I'm not saying that you were necessarily planning to do stuff, despite the positive thoughts- I'm simply saying that it was all habit taking over at that point. We want to avoid that tug-of-war scenario at all costs, even though rationally we mean well, perhaps our intentions mean well, but as long as we react to the urges, we're still perpetuating the unwanted habit.
You're right to identify all the thoughts that went into this, like, "...life is boring during lockdown" etc... the excuses, and all that, is just the lower brain trying to get you to act on the urges. But, as you also identified, these are just thoughts, and thoughts by themselves, urges by themselves, cannot make you act on them.
Good on you for reading that Zen book, that will help you accept bad moods, as before, our bad habits were how we dealt with them. Learning how to cope with uncomfortable feelings is important for us in a broader sense of rewiring. But these won't have to be anything we completely figure out before we can start dismissing urges.
Yes! Find out what worked for you during that long streak. That's what I try to do, too. Figure out what worked for me, and what worked against me. Even the feeling, "...my happy P-free life" is a good one to keep in mind.
Good thought processes here. I know, I freak out on how long it takes for the neurochemicals released from P-use that stay in the brain, to subside, like between 6-8 weeks! That's about 42-56 days for DeltaFos B, and straight up 56 days for Hypofrontality to be on the mend. That kind of motivates me when I strive for longer streaks, and helps me be more compassionate on myself if, 2-3 weeks in I'm still having urges.
NF is ideal (and the name of your journal, lol...), as it's all a part of the habits you want to change.
The indulgent road does seem easy, doesn't it? The urges sometimes feel like 'life-and-death', but the more you refuse to react to, or can dismiss them, the less urgent they will be. But this is not easy, in that there is discomfort in saying 'No' to these urges, but it will get easier- as you've experienced before.
Sure, anything to do instead of reacting to the urges, just make sure that you're not doing these things because of the urges, as that reacts to them. Just let the urges be, acknowledge them without judgement, but do something else until they harmlessly subside. One can even sit there with the urges, ackowledging them, without acting on them, or responding to them, and notice that these urges do of themselves subside. Learning this is key to recovery.
I know what you mean about being taken by surprise. I had completed a 34 day stint before coming back to RN, and was surprized how deep into it I could go, despite having that streak! But, that is the power of habit that we're dealing with. But you can do this!
Yes, going to those things are important, but more- I would say- on a regular basis, at least when you're trying to start and maintain a real and sharp focus, which we need to seriously deal with this stuff. But (if I may say) I wouldn't do those things, however positive, just so you can 'push through the urges', because that's reacting to them, strengthening them. You don't want to 'push through', 'push against', 'fight against' or even 'reason against' the urges, as all these things only strengthen the same nueral pathways. You just want to acknowledge the urges non-judgementally, and breathe through them, and dismiss them as fleeting (albeit strong at times) thought. These are 'fight-or-flight' reactions that the urges bring on from the lower brain, but you from the higher brain (prefrontal cortex) can override and veto these urges, and simply let them pass.
But, yes, remember these negative feelings that you feel now, because in the future it will help you: like, what I'm feeling now with these urges is negative, but it feels far worse and for quite a while after giving in to these urges. So, dismissing urges is a little uncomfortable, but far less negative feeling compared to what comes after indulging them.
You got this, Joel. I believe in you!
LetItGoAlready
Active Member
Joel - I don't think there's much I can add that Phineas hasn't already touched on in the previous post. Just that we're all here for you and rooting for you. Take care!
Thanks sooo much, guys! Wow, what feedback!
It's day 2 and I almost wavered ('Because it's only day 2, what the hell, etc') but pulled myself back, knowing that's the addict talking, but the importance of accountability to this forum got me through the urge.
And thanks so much, Phin, for your help and input. I'll definitely use this tool if a similar situation comes up in the future. TBH I hadn't had a strong physical urge like that in a long time. what's been getting me recently is the subtle mind tricks ('A little IG isn't porn; this won't effect your recovery much', etc). So self talk usually helps. This was very physical and some breathing and letting go sounds like the answer.
It's been a patchy day, to be honest. This morning i had sex with fantasy - I regret it and see how I didn't have to do this. All I can do is visualize doing it right and succeed next time. Yes, I've written out this defeat before, but next time will be a win.
I re wrote some important alignments I want keep in my head, fresh, daily. I've done a lot of healthy habits. I could squeeze in some exercise to round off a good turnaround today. Take care, all.
It's day 2 and I almost wavered ('Because it's only day 2, what the hell, etc') but pulled myself back, knowing that's the addict talking, but the importance of accountability to this forum got me through the urge.
And thanks so much, Phin, for your help and input. I'll definitely use this tool if a similar situation comes up in the future. TBH I hadn't had a strong physical urge like that in a long time. what's been getting me recently is the subtle mind tricks ('A little IG isn't porn; this won't effect your recovery much', etc). So self talk usually helps. This was very physical and some breathing and letting go sounds like the answer.
It's been a patchy day, to be honest. This morning i had sex with fantasy - I regret it and see how I didn't have to do this. All I can do is visualize doing it right and succeed next time. Yes, I've written out this defeat before, but next time will be a win.
I re wrote some important alignments I want keep in my head, fresh, daily. I've done a lot of healthy habits. I could squeeze in some exercise to round off a good turnaround today. Take care, all.
You're welcome, Joel. I know, I wrote a book, lol...!
Congrats on breathing through and ignoring the latest urges with their rationale.
I would say, about the unexpected strength of the latest urge, that it was the result of having been fed via IG... In a very real sense, you've been responding to the urges all along (that is, since the latest with IG), and that this strengthened the urges to go for greater dopamine hits.
I know for me, I had to lately change my habits around IG, and other social media, which has helped me tremendously. I know my habits around social media are what brought me back into my old habits from the ealier successes I had from 2014-16. And, TBH, I kind of kept my habit alive (like I say, in ICU) by drip-feeding it with my social media use.
Wishing you well.
Congrats on breathing through and ignoring the latest urges with their rationale.
I would say, about the unexpected strength of the latest urge, that it was the result of having been fed via IG... In a very real sense, you've been responding to the urges all along (that is, since the latest with IG), and that this strengthened the urges to go for greater dopamine hits.
I know for me, I had to lately change my habits around IG, and other social media, which has helped me tremendously. I know my habits around social media are what brought me back into my old habits from the ealier successes I had from 2014-16. And, TBH, I kind of kept my habit alive (like I say, in ICU) by drip-feeding it with my social media use.
Wishing you well.
Thanks, Phin. Yes, I got really good at starving the addiction on the last big streak. As I've allowed myself more of the drug recently, the urges have been harder to cope with. But I've got past this before!
I?ve had a crazy day so far and I?m calling it Day 1. I didn?t go all the way with the lethal PMO cocktail or peek at anything hardcore yesterday. But I light-heartedly peeked at some illicit things. ?sure, this is allowed. This isn?t harmful, right? This isn?t an addiction, right??
But the way I?ve been feeling today. My mood is so depressed, I remember what it?s like to be pinned to the floor and sat on by this addiction, like it?s a school bully. I can?t do any work, can?t make any decisions, don?t feel motivated to do a thing. Trying my best no to snap at my loved ones, (and am pleased to say that so far, that?s been going okay.)
...I realise, here is a guy who is withdrawing from and has been dosing on his drug of choice and he needs 1 Day completely clean. It?s going to be horrible, but I need to start something here, and take that first healthy step.
I would have continued peeking today, but I had some clever blocks on my devices, meaning I had to wait before I could get online. I was still being tricked by my addictive lies, and thinking this was no big thing. When I couldn?t access any content, and I realised how badly I wanted to, and I actually began to despair, it all came home to me.
I?ve been sitting with myself most of today, being quiet. My wife could see I was troubled and made me a coffee. Then she said she was going out ? great. I considered indulging. ?take the drug to ?heal? this pain. And start this journey tomorrow, where there may be urges, but not this horrible despairing depression to deal with.?
But I had the intelligence to say no. addictive behaviour doesn?t heal. I won?t say ? ah, scratched that itch. I?ll want more of the drug afterward. Chugging a sugary treat won?t help. I have to sit through this pain, stay clean, and wait for this shit feeling to pass. And here I am on the forum. A much better place to be hanging out.
I have a social later I don?t want to go to. Not close friends. But they get more out of it than me. seems like a worthy thing, to do something a little selfless.
And I?m feeling good about the turnaround I?ve made today. The painful consequence of my indulgence has let itself be known, and more indulgence isn?t the answer. May this be the rock bottom moment that I launch myself from. Talk to you guys soon. Cheers.
I?ve had a crazy day so far and I?m calling it Day 1. I didn?t go all the way with the lethal PMO cocktail or peek at anything hardcore yesterday. But I light-heartedly peeked at some illicit things. ?sure, this is allowed. This isn?t harmful, right? This isn?t an addiction, right??
But the way I?ve been feeling today. My mood is so depressed, I remember what it?s like to be pinned to the floor and sat on by this addiction, like it?s a school bully. I can?t do any work, can?t make any decisions, don?t feel motivated to do a thing. Trying my best no to snap at my loved ones, (and am pleased to say that so far, that?s been going okay.)
...I realise, here is a guy who is withdrawing from and has been dosing on his drug of choice and he needs 1 Day completely clean. It?s going to be horrible, but I need to start something here, and take that first healthy step.
I would have continued peeking today, but I had some clever blocks on my devices, meaning I had to wait before I could get online. I was still being tricked by my addictive lies, and thinking this was no big thing. When I couldn?t access any content, and I realised how badly I wanted to, and I actually began to despair, it all came home to me.
I?ve been sitting with myself most of today, being quiet. My wife could see I was troubled and made me a coffee. Then she said she was going out ? great. I considered indulging. ?take the drug to ?heal? this pain. And start this journey tomorrow, where there may be urges, but not this horrible despairing depression to deal with.?
But I had the intelligence to say no. addictive behaviour doesn?t heal. I won?t say ? ah, scratched that itch. I?ll want more of the drug afterward. Chugging a sugary treat won?t help. I have to sit through this pain, stay clean, and wait for this shit feeling to pass. And here I am on the forum. A much better place to be hanging out.
I have a social later I don?t want to go to. Not close friends. But they get more out of it than me. seems like a worthy thing, to do something a little selfless.
And I?m feeling good about the turnaround I?ve made today. The painful consequence of my indulgence has let itself be known, and more indulgence isn?t the answer. May this be the rock bottom moment that I launch myself from. Talk to you guys soon. Cheers.
J
J01
Guest
Really liked your last paragraph, the way you brought it to a close. Keep up the good fight; it is a tough battle, no other way to say it. Totally agree about not waiting to start until tomorrow-if you start now the clean feeling will begin to return tomorrow morning and it won't be a wasted day! Hang in there!
Hey, Joel.
Despite your recent struggles, you've come a long way. At this moment, keep in mind not how many lapses you've had, but on how many times you abstained. None of that is lost.
You've lost nothing.
It takes time to learn how to dismiss (instead of fight or indulge) urges. Maybe it's a concept we don't see often, as many around us are fighting this or that urge, or this or that trigger.
Like you said, you've got passed this before, and you'll do it again. The sooner you and I can bounce back, the better. It's all a matter of reframing the lapse or lapses in your mind.
They are by no means 'defeats' or even 'set backs'- they are simply lessons standing there, waiting for you to keenly analyze them nonjudgmentally, and learn from them, so you can sharpen your focus, your determination, and tweek what's working and discard what's not working in your approach to recovery.
I'm standing with you, brother!
Despite your recent struggles, you've come a long way. At this moment, keep in mind not how many lapses you've had, but on how many times you abstained. None of that is lost.
You've lost nothing.
It takes time to learn how to dismiss (instead of fight or indulge) urges. Maybe it's a concept we don't see often, as many around us are fighting this or that urge, or this or that trigger.
Like you said, you've got passed this before, and you'll do it again. The sooner you and I can bounce back, the better. It's all a matter of reframing the lapse or lapses in your mind.
They are by no means 'defeats' or even 'set backs'- they are simply lessons standing there, waiting for you to keenly analyze them nonjudgmentally, and learn from them, so you can sharpen your focus, your determination, and tweek what's working and discard what's not working in your approach to recovery.
I'm standing with you, brother!
Thanks so much, guys.
Totally agree about not waiting to start until tomorrow-if you start now the clean feeling will begin to return tomorrow morning and it won't be a wasted day!
Ah, totally agree with this and you put it perfectly. Didn't occur to me at the time, but it worked. Woke up this morning feeling good. We can never start a good intention with 'one more' negative action.
Yesterday was really meaningful. And when it came down to the crunch, and I decided I'd go to the forum instead of the addiction, a strong message was sent to my brain: creating this depression isn't going to get us that drug. Things improved drastically from that moment. We decided not to do the social, and wife and I had a really nice cosy night in together.
Dobber's last podcast was about approaching accountability differently: not just coming clean after the fact, but stating intentions at the start of the week and even creating connections with accountability partners beyond this battle. It fit in to some Zen reading I've done recently about us all being one. We're altogether, and modern society (and this pandemic) has made us separate each other as individuals: I want to live in my little bubble, to 'get mine', to achieve sobriety so I can feel better and live well within my little bubble. I judge others and am distrustful. But these recent ideas opened me up to the idea of connection.
So, I found the number of an old accountability partner from 2 years ago, a really nice guy. One reason I severed contact was I'm so ashamed of this addiction. Having sb I actually spoke to was a bit too real for me. I wanted to stick to an anonymous forum. I texted him and he was happy to chat immediately. We chatted and I verbally got off my chest what I went through yesterday. Then we talked about other things. I enjoyed the chat and felt so much lighter afterward. So that's definitely some growth and progress.
Having a good day, going to stay clean and enjoy my day. Thanks for being there, guys. Speak soon.
Totally agree about not waiting to start until tomorrow-if you start now the clean feeling will begin to return tomorrow morning and it won't be a wasted day!
Ah, totally agree with this and you put it perfectly. Didn't occur to me at the time, but it worked. Woke up this morning feeling good. We can never start a good intention with 'one more' negative action.
Yesterday was really meaningful. And when it came down to the crunch, and I decided I'd go to the forum instead of the addiction, a strong message was sent to my brain: creating this depression isn't going to get us that drug. Things improved drastically from that moment. We decided not to do the social, and wife and I had a really nice cosy night in together.
Dobber's last podcast was about approaching accountability differently: not just coming clean after the fact, but stating intentions at the start of the week and even creating connections with accountability partners beyond this battle. It fit in to some Zen reading I've done recently about us all being one. We're altogether, and modern society (and this pandemic) has made us separate each other as individuals: I want to live in my little bubble, to 'get mine', to achieve sobriety so I can feel better and live well within my little bubble. I judge others and am distrustful. But these recent ideas opened me up to the idea of connection.
So, I found the number of an old accountability partner from 2 years ago, a really nice guy. One reason I severed contact was I'm so ashamed of this addiction. Having sb I actually spoke to was a bit too real for me. I wanted to stick to an anonymous forum. I texted him and he was happy to chat immediately. We chatted and I verbally got off my chest what I went through yesterday. Then we talked about other things. I enjoyed the chat and felt so much lighter afterward. So that's definitely some growth and progress.
Having a good day, going to stay clean and enjoy my day. Thanks for being there, guys. Speak soon.
workinprogressUK
Well-Known Member
Listening to that PFN podcast as I type, Joel. Hopefully it'll open something up for me, too, beyond making me laugh at...
"Did not care for the Godfather"
I can understand that past desire of yours to stay anonymous. Similar here. Speaking to people about my problems and expecting them to listen, without me paying them for the service, always seemed a bit self-indulgent, which is faulty, I know. Kudos to you for not prevaricating about that choice and just getting it done. Impressive!
"Did not care for the Godfather"
I can understand that past desire of yours to stay anonymous. Similar here. Speaking to people about my problems and expecting them to listen, without me paying them for the service, always seemed a bit self-indulgent, which is faulty, I know. Kudos to you for not prevaricating about that choice and just getting it done. Impressive!
Glad you had someone to open up to about this yesterday, Joel! With the right person, that can mean all the difference.
I used to long for someone, back in the day, that I can just 'confess' all my deep dark secrets to. I basically had no one I could unload all this crap onto that would actually understand, maybe relate, and empathize.
I tried a counselor once, but she wasn't equipped to walk someone through SA, or PA type issues. There are, nowadays, counselors who are CSAT (Certified Sex Addiction Therapists). This forum at least offers both, anonymity and others who are willing to help.
Good work, Joel.
I used to long for someone, back in the day, that I can just 'confess' all my deep dark secrets to. I basically had no one I could unload all this crap onto that would actually understand, maybe relate, and empathize.
I tried a counselor once, but she wasn't equipped to walk someone through SA, or PA type issues. There are, nowadays, counselors who are CSAT (Certified Sex Addiction Therapists). This forum at least offers both, anonymity and others who are willing to help.
Good work, Joel.