nofap journal

[Joel]

"Did not care for the Godfather"

haha - yep, I can definitely see where they're coming from

Thanks, guys. Yep, such a clever irony about this addiction is it makes us want to hide, but the solution is in some kind of connection. I'm trying to find a balance of talking about the PA issues anonymously, having someone to verbally talk to who fully knows me, and more connecting with people in my life (now that I've realised this addiction has made me push so many people away).

@Phin. I definitely recommend to keep looking, if you still feel that need to be less anonymous, if a forum isn't enough for you. Yes, it's such a painful process to tell our problems to different people, to give them a chance, then decide it's not the right connection. But don't give up, because you may find the right person.

A couple of clean days under my belt. Time to look at the week ahead and make a plan.

If I could live last week over again, I?d...
(last) Thursday ? when I felt low. I should have got present and journalled. Accepting a low is okay, but I shouldn?t start riding on automatic, allowing thoughts like ?life sucks, I?m deprived? because this is a trigger.

Friday ? I saw a visual trigger online. I shouldn?t have clicked the bait and followed the trigger. ?This is reboot, and more importantly, this is early reboot. Process it ? what do you want? what do you feel? What do you expect to see? What do you expect it to make you feel? Breathe, relax, write down the self talk for this particular trigger, and refer back to it every time that same trigger reappears.?

Using illicit fantasy during sex. The wife isn?t feeling well this week, so at least that isn?t even an option. But I?ll keep up my daily habit of vizualising healthy sex and rejecting illicit fantasy.

Saturday ? the binge when my wife went out all morning. I should have an internet block on phone (at least making the habit less convenient and comfortable). Also, I want to generally move away from tech and screens this week. So, what if I went out with a notebook and a hardcopy novel? also, I tried to make a big PLAN of activities, hoping to kind of distract myself the whole time. what if I did the opposite and got very mindful? By journaling and planning my week, deciding what I want from the weekend and the coming week. Wife is going out on Sunday morning, so I plan to go to a cafe for a read and some journaling. Whatever happens, don?t dwell in bed! can also see if there are people around I can connect with.

This week I'm moving towards...
Loftier things. More writing, more journaling, more reading, more audiobooks and ideas. Bought a couple of online courses to learn.

This week I'm moving away from...
tech and screens. We?ve been trained to go to tech like it?s a friend. There?s nothing there for you. Getting well isn?t just creating good habits and getting centered, we're weaning off these targeting high-dopamine ?activities?. We?re dependent on distraction; as my zen literature says ? this isn?t happiness.

I'm also planning to read through a lot of my Dobber notes this week - just glimpsed at them and there's a lot of good stuff. Should keep me in the right mindset.

Well, that was just the beginning part of my plan, but I'm pretty cooked. Will finish it up on another day! Take care, all. See you tomorrow.

 

[LetItGoAlready]

Yep, such a clever irony about this addiction is it makes us want to hide, but the solution is in some kind of connection. I'm trying to find a balance of talking about the PA issues anonymously, having someone to verbally talk to who fully knows me, and more connecting with people in my life (now that I've realised this addiction has made me push so many people away).

Well put, Joel. It is indeed a clever irony that we are hiding (due to shame but also wanting to keep in relationship with P), yet the thing many of us crave is more human connection. I applaud all of your efforts to extend yourself socially outside of this group. I do hope you find the balance you're seeking.

This week I'm moving away from...
tech and screens. We?ve been trained to go to tech like it?s a friend. There?s nothing there for you. Getting well isn?t just creating good habits and getting centered, we're weaning off these targeting high-dopamine ?activities?. We?re dependent on distraction; as my zen literature says ? this isn?t happiness

Another clever irony is that the source of many of our problems- and as you've indicated, our unhappiness - is technology and the easy access it provides to distracting/stimulating material. YET, we have all chosen to be part of an online PA recovery community, which requires that we use that very same technology as a means to a more virtuous end.

Great stuff, and congrats on getting a couple of days clean under your belt. Onward!

 

[TheNorman]

Good post Joel! LIGA is right: If only we could correspond on the forum via pony express or something more analog!

 

[Phineas 808]

@Phin. I definitely recommend to keep looking, if you still feel that need to be less anonymous, if a forum isn't enough for you. Yes, it's such a painful process to tell our problems to different people, to give them a chance, then decide it's not the right connection. But don't give up, because you may find the right person.

That?s kind of the point I would like to make...

You have to be enough for you. This doesn?t discount those in need of psychological help, or of support groups. We?re here for each other for example. And obviously I saw a need for that little extra edge in my latest effort.

But we need to learn how to do this for ourselves by ourselves, because when no one is looking and waves of urges come over us, we need to know that we?re okay, and that we will do the right thing regardless of what others do or don?t do, say or don?t say.

Taking back power from this addiction is all about shifting power away from external things (including support groups or therapy), or anything that identifies us as an addict, and placing it back within ourselves.

Be well.

 

[Joel]

Thanks, guys, for the support and input. Today will just be a check in. Have just been doing my taxes today, so again I'm pretty cooked and am done looking at a computer screen for the day.

But a major positive thing I wanted to mention was bathing myself in 'nofap' yesterday - going over materials, and pouring over a fresh plan, and thinking over past failings and vizualizing what I'll do right next time. I felt tired but i didn't want to be lazy - I wanted to push through until I felt I had a handle on everything. At the start of the day I was having urges, but after all that nofap 'work', and thoughts about what I wanted to move away from and move towards this week, I felt totally shifted.

I felt knackered, but one more victory was, I promised myself a mild workout. I managed this and it totally shifted my energy, afterward, i got a haircut, cooked dinner for the wife, and just felt energized. Today I got back to my work and am feeling myself again - pun not intended.

 

[Phineas 808]

Awesome, Joel!

Good work immersing yourself in all that recovery material, and staying focused.

Lots of positive activities, too, and keeping promises to yourself.

 

[Joel]

Thanks, Phin.

Still clean, and my weekly challenge is coming tomorrow morning. Have the whole morning to myself, same as last week - which was a disaster. I have some ideas of what I could do - I could leave the house and spend my morning outside, or refuse to be pushed around and have a lazier time cozy at home, with few light, fun activities. Either way, i want to stay focused on the prize - the clean life. Will check in tomorrow. Take care, all.

 

[Joel]

Got through the 'morning home alone' challenge. Have the the same challenge tomorrow actually, but after today, feeling more confidant. I did feel flashes of that 'compulsory urge', that said something like, 'It's cold and raining outside, so cozy in bed, so stay here, with pleasure, happy chemicals, and your virtual harem,' along with some flashes of erotic images, and the idea of abundance, and the quickening heart rate of excitement. But I remembered last week, the pain that comes after the pleasure - that lasts days, and how endless this battle will be unless I stand firm and stay on the right path. I had a chat with a friend on the phone to ground myself, I found this very effective because I felt like myself, not an anonymous creep who gets to indulge in something far from my values.

Then I planned a 1/2 day routine - some journalling, a meditation, etc, but I got really caught up in journalling and resolved a lot of issues I believe are triggers for me. Great to be more self aware of these things I feel used to be simply part of me. 

 

[workinprogressUK]

This week I'm moving away from...
tech and screens. We?ve been trained to go to tech like it?s a friend. There?s nothing there for you. Getting well isn?t just creating good habits and getting centered, we're weaning off these targeting high-dopamine ?activities?. We?re dependent on distraction; as my zen literature says ? this isn?t happiness.

Can't think of a healthier habit to commit to. Genuinely! A therapist I used to see talked about most P/S addictions being routed in a combination of trauma, attachment and opportunity, but that Opportunity was always present in every combo (not rocket science, I suppose). If we reduce our opportunity to consume high-speed, high-novelty P, as provided by our "friendly" tech, then we reduce our likelihood of failure. Less screen... less P. Simples!! Well.... maybe not simples but it absolutely works as a tactic for me, Joel. Good luck. Lot's of stuff in your recent posts makes a lot of sense to me.

 

[LetItGoAlready]

I had a chat with a friend on the phone to ground myself, I found this very effective because I felt like myself, not an anonymous creep who gets to indulge in something far from my values.

Then I planned a 1/2 day routine - some journalling, a meditation, etc, but I got really caught up in journalling and resolved a lot of issues I believe are triggers for me. Great to be more self aware of these things I feel used to be simply part of me.

Joel - This is a solid report of time well spent. Congrats on getting through the home alone challenge and using your time to reconnect with a friend and resolve issues.

 

[Joel]

Thanks a lot, guys, for the kind words. I'm back from a relapse. Frustrated with myself. I thought - oh, I thought I had a plan, I thought I could handle being left alone. Felt a little bit -- now what? I felt so tired and thought about leaving the forum for a while. But being 'tired of nofap'(ie working on getting over this) and isolating myself isn't the answer. Think I felt overwhelmed that my life needs an overhaul if I'm still not over this at my age. I thought with the help of lockdown that got me to such a long streak, that was the magic moment for me. But recovery isn't linear, and I can't be impatient with myself or go on a joyride or feel like the world is ending because I've fallen back on old habits. Tweak what went wrong, plan how to go a day clean, then a week, then a month, then beyond.

 

[Joel]

Today is going well. Not much opportunity, but there was a moment when I chose sobriety. My pattern of pulling back and forth - streaks and relapse - has been going for 2months. I think I got away without the mental hammering for a period. But after yesterday's indulgence, that textbook depression hangover hit me ? ugh, so low. I didn?t care about a thing. I've stopped working, exercising, and was so low, my wife got teary at how upset I was, which was great, doesn't porn just infect everything so perfectly.

Mantra for the day ? I can?t stop thinking about that thing I ?want?/ how?s that going for you?/ I?m miserable/ then let it go. Life was a lot better when I was focused on other things.

Had a win today by pulling myself out of the malaise to do some light exercise - getting started felt like climbing a mountain, but was fine once I started, and made a huge shift. Shortly thereafter, I was given an interesting piece of work ? nice timing for starting a new streak.

 

[Phineas 808]

Hey Joel,

Good job working through this, sucky as it may feel right now.

The fact is, these behaviors are not easy to change. It's difficult to word it how I want to without giving P too much power, but it's not really P at all, it's how habituated we are to it...

We've sensitized our neural pathways, and now we have to start desensitizing these same pathways, and that happens every time we dismiss the urges.

Five steps forward, one step back- and maybe it's this way for a while. Don't discount any progress, no matter how incremental. Your streaks will increase more and more.

What I did recently after September 27th, because I basically was doing the same thing since June- having streaks, and then lapsing, streaks, then lapsing. I went as much as 24 days, but my average was 8, lol...!

So, I compiled each of my streaks, 8, 11, 6, 14, (for example). Then I made each time a goal, from the least days to the most. Then it made sense for me to make a bigger goal, not 1 week, 1 month, etc (I've tried that, doubling my days each time I hit a goal, but after 20 days, 40 seemed so far away). Now, it's a large goal (120), but made up of a bunch of smaller goals. I did this after I found that I could hit all my smaller goals, and then surpass my 24 days by reaching 34, before I came back to RN.

This is, of course, just a suggestion.

Wishing you well.

 

[Georgos]

So there are some serious issues consider when asking why you are here, and one of them is whether we share a common goal or distinct,

I find the idea of a nofap journal intriguing, suggesting a journey, perhaps one of escape?

But there is a difference between "al" and "ey" and "es" and "cape", so perhaps moore explanation is needed,

I write here why? For the same reasons as you?

Are we here to quit the same things?

I remain addicted to caffeine though not nicotine,

Both tea and coffee provide satisfaction,

Thank you.

 

[workinprogressUK]

Mantra for the day ? I can?t stop thinking about that thing I ?want?/ how?s that going for you?/ I?m miserable/ then let it go. Life was a lot better when I was focused on other things.

Had a win today by pulling myself out of the malaise to do some light exercise - getting started felt like climbing a mountain, but was fine once I started, and made a huge shift. Shortly thereafter, I was given an interesting piece of work ? nice timing for starting a new streak.

Thinking of you, Joel. Hope you've been able to continue positive thinking and avoiding the malaise-cycle. Hope the work's stayed interesting and you've continued exercise, at whatever intensity you can manage. I find in my own struggle that when I give a shit about the other stuff in my life, and believe that it matters... then I give more of a shit about my recovery and I can keep it in focus. Wishing you strength, wisdom, serenity, Joel.

 

[Joel]

thanks so much, everyone. Really liked those suggestions. I'm in a good and optimistic place at the moment. Going to take a few days off the forum (not to binge on P!) , so I can come back fresh. Enjoy the holidays, all who have any, and stay focused!

 

[J01]

Hi Joel-wishing you a good time of recharge and refreshment.  Glad you are in a good place in the battle!

 

[Joel]

Thanks Jixu and hello all. I'm back and refreshed. In week 2 of a streak, so I've pulled myself out of the cycle I'd fallen into. I contacted a coach for a weekly check in. I feel that when I want to commit to this and begin a proper streak, making a new kind of discovery of material or commitment like this helps. My goal is 40 days - in my experience, that's when my reboot happens, from then on my destiny is in my own hands, not in the addict's.

So, I've finally thought of a negative consequence for my indulgent actions. I'm paying this coach each week until I get to 40 days. If i fail, that's an extra week I have to pay. Oh, I also came up with the idea of blocking certain websites for a week as punishment - sports, movies, etc. Seems like a handy extra tool to help me on my way. (though actually, as I live without these websites, I think - this is just a really healthy way to live).

Also, I've recently found the idea of labelling thoughts helpful. (Outside of PA too). Eg I get an urge this morning; 'I'm having my morning aches so I'm creating an exciting sexual fantasy (which is toxic, btw) to numb the pain.' Helps distance you from unhelpful thoughts.

Happy new year, all!

 

[Delloroo]

The mindfulness around thoughts sounds like a good idea. Meditation and reflecting on how my brain works seems to be helping me a lot.

 

[TheNorman]

Labelling thoughts is a great way to see them for what they are and stop them in their tracks. I will try this technique myself!