nofap journal

Joel

Active Member
Thanks, guys. That's awesome to hear. I'm on day 1 of a new streak. tbh my last streak was a week clean, then a week of dodgy behaviours - I thought, let's not be a perfectionist and push through. Allowing myself those little excitements escalated. Relapsed hard yesterday. Pretty textbook.

Got some fresh ideas about how I'm not truly letting go of the idea of PMO, because I continuously don't want to let go of the P fantasy. If that's ideally what I 'want', I'll always come back to it. Got some go-to behaviours for urges and for when I feel myself slipping into a fantasy. Label the thought, take the fantasy apart, ask yourself what do you really want? Is it simply comfort? This is rewiring - the trigger starts to get used to a different outcome.

Written myself up a new plan. No-porn is a priority for the coming period. Got a good feeling about this one.
 

Phineas 808

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
Hi, Joel.

Yes, having a strong boundary is important, like, what constitutes a reset for you. And this can only be determined by yourself. Too loose, and it will be full of compromises. Too strict, and your recovery efforts will be too burdensome, legalistic, and actually work against you.

For myself, I'm very imaginative. Fantasy is a serious danger for me, if I engage in that behavior again. In fact, after a moment of p-subs at night, my mind seems to come alive like a movie theater. But to seriously reboot/recover, I have to die to this part of myself. But really, imagination is better served and sharpened by refusing to use it to create sexual fantasies. So, I know what you're talking about. Good idea about labeling and inquiring as to what's behind the need to do this.

Good work on creating a new plan! I was a little concerned on your statements above on punishing yourself, or using that whole negative reinforcement approach. You'll find that most behavioral scientists will agree that this is not necessarily helpful in habit change. I'm not seeking to pontificate here, as it's not my concern how other people do it, but if there's something counter productive, than I hope I can help. I would say, reward? Yes! But punish? Never.

Grateful to see you, Joel. Standing with you no matter what. 
 

Joel

Active Member
Thanks, Phin. Fortifying to hear those words.

I had an okay day today. Clean, and feel a significant shift - feel like I can move towards being a man who can reject fantasies. Was reading Noah Church's book 'Whack' - free on his website, about PA and his tips for recovery. He had a link in there to a Craig Perra YT interview with an ex P-star, who talked of the horrors of being in the industry. It was graphic and it was horrific. I thought - I can't listen to this. then thought, hold on, you'll watch it, get off to it, but you think listening to what really happens is distasteful? I listened to it, and it shone truth on this stuff of fantasy. I hadn't listened to anything like this in a while, was a good wake up call.

Mood went low today in the afternoon - then felt ill. Headache, nauseous - pretty sure that's day 2 syndrome. I pushed through, had no interest in anything. Hopefully will feel more engaged tomorrow.
 

TheNorman

Active Member
The rather ugly side of P is indeed amongst many of the good reasons to avoid it. Humanity in a very dehumanizing medium. Good for you for pushing through.
 

Joel

Active Member
Thanks, Norm! Yeah, I feel there's a balance we need when consuming these kinds of truths. I feel (and I've heard others say) - it doesn't matter how ugly it is, when we're addicted, our morality isn't enough to pull us into sobriety. But when we're out of the cycle of addiction, it can be good to remind ourselves with these things. I mean, I knew all that stuff, but my 'clever brain' had conveniently forgot all about it - it hit my like a very humanizing lightning bolt.

Been a bit distant from the forum lately ? some kind of forum-resistance or something :) Maybe things are going well, which can be tricky to report on. Coaching has been going well. Have been clean since my last post. And a big piece of this progress has been ?karezza? style sex with the wife ? going slow, melting into relaxation and being with the senses instead of chasing the chemical high which usually results in me using P fantasy. I?m reading a book on this called Cupid?s poisoned arrow, and there?s an interesting interview here - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IBlfrv5_LTk - with the author if anyone?s interested. Early days, but I?m getting my confidence back. Hope everyone?s doing well.
 

Joel

Active Member
Hi all,
I'm doing well and feeling good. Interesting tool I've been practicing lately is 'urge drills'. I used to try visualizing beating an urge every day; and had limited success with it. But actually act out ('drill') what you want to do when an urge comes - i found it very effective and it came in useful this week.

I choose to relax when an urge have a rush of excitement overtakes me. It's going well. An issue I'm having is, there's a some kind of 'monkey' in me (or a shadow, a child, a beast... call it what you will) that has these temper tantrums. 'You're crap at your job, I hate my life, etc' I get really worked up and it's easy to get caught up in the emotion it creates. Last night I had a great moment where I imagined my ideal self talk back to the monkey. 'You're not crap at your job, you're not worthless, you're just tired and need to go to bed.' Will see how I get on with this in the following days. Tricky moods are something we all have to deal with, they're more intense during reboot; for one thing I want to develop the resilience to not make the people close to me suffer when I'm in a tricky place.
 

Phineas 808

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
Hi, Joel!

Urge drills sounds like an exciting approach! I've done something similar, because all too few people know what to do when urges actually hit.

Wishing you the best with this, and success in your approaches. 
 

Joel

Active Member
Thanks, Phin!
Yep, they've been working really well. Have a routine ready that assesses and processes the urge, and involves something physical, even if that's just walking around the apartment.

I've started reading The Chimp Paradox - highly recommended. Covering some ground I'm aware of - yes, we have a Chimp in us, who we shouldn't let near the driving wheel. But the book is filling a lot of blanks. Part of our brain is also a computer, which takes care of autopilot. Autopilots can be created to bypass the Chimp. So, for example, Urge drills is creating a program so that the Chimp doesn't have to deal with the urges.

There's been no PMO cocktails or binging for me recently, but I'm resetting my streak and today is Day 2. I've peaked at P for a moment three times over the last 10 days. I was leaning toward the high it provided to escape a bad mood, and also - sth sexual came up on my radar and I couldn't resist following it down a rabbit hole. One reason this happened was not resetting my streak earlier, so I didn't realise how vulnerable I really was. Even now, I can feel those Day 2 tingles, it's good I know what they are and that I have to be focused and careful. Saying I'm on Day 2 is no fun. It's so much more motivating to have a long streak that you don't want to throw away, but I know there's been no really indulgent behaviour recently - I'm resetting on a good foundation.

..and for what it's worth. I'm sorry not to be more proactive and helpful on the forum. I'm turning up as much as I feel I can at the moment. Hope all's well out there, guys. Have an awesome, P-free day.
 

Phineas 808

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
I like what you're saying above, Joel! The Chimp Paradox sounds like a good read.

This is the power of habit, that for good or bad, we can go on autopilot, and just let habit take over.

I think of it in terms of mindfulness versus mindlessness.

The chimp brain is definitely the lower part of the brain that mindlessly sends us urges to act out according to our base habits. Whenever we're mindless, habit takes over. Whenever we react to (even if 'fighting against') the urges, we only strengthen the neural pathways of the unwanted habit.

Learning to recognize the chimp voice (what some call the 'addictive voice') is part of learning how to dismiss urges.

Great post, Joel!
 

LetItGoAlready

Active Member
I'm sorry not to be more proactive and helpful on the forum. I'm turning up as much as I feel I can at the moment.

Joel- I totally get needing to taper off your activity on the forum. It takes time and energy to be here, and sometimes you have to channel that time and energy elsewhere to deal with "real life." Hope you're doing well, friend!
 

Joel

Active Member
Thanks, Phin and Liga! I guess that's true about tapering off. I've not done it purposely, but my connection to these forums do come in waves. I like to give and receive support on them. I'm working with a coach at the moment, and that accountability is working well for me. and the extra work of coming to the forum doesn't appeal much at the moment (especially as I enjoy having screens having as little part in my daily routine as possible - I much prefer handwriting). the wave of properly returning here may come soon as I don't want to be pay and be accountable to a coach indefinitely.

However, I had an aha moment yesterday. I was going to scribble it into my journal, then I thought here would be a good place to scribe down these thoughts and ideas.

I was listening to the 'how did this get made' podcast, where three comedic actors talk about movies that were so bad they'd kinda enjoyable. They did a podcast on one of those 90s 'erotic thrillers' that I grew up watching, that were my first views of nudity and sex, and provided me with my formative ideas. In those movies, men had important jobs had to click their fingers for satiating sex and women had respectable facades but were all nymphomaniacs into kinky stuff. In fact, one of the podcasters had the aha moment, and said, 'I was an adolescent, and I thought this was sex. The man is important, he wears a suit, and the woman serves him. The man makes no effort, there's no exchange of words or ideas; there's hardly even a transaction. the woman gets into a number of submissive positions, the man conquers her, then goes about solving a crime or completing his hero's journey.'

Wow. Obviously it's x100000 worse for kids today growing up with HC porn, but the conditioning on me of these movies I grew up on is huge.

For women to be dominated and treated like a de-personified commodity (in a non-real fantasy) is actually comforting. It feels like power, it feels like satisfaction, it feels like having everything taken care of and you have all you need in life, it also feels like ease, you're above the strains of life, you're on easy street, where you do some vague important job, so the the ever ready harem is there to serve you, you important man.

Something like this has always been at the centre of my 'fetish' fantasy that has pulled me into P. I never understood it. 'Why are people always dressed in black tie??' I recently saw the lie and at least reminded myself daily - 'This weird fantasy feels like the answer to everything, the remedy to your problems, but you've suffered enough to realise it isn't, let it go.' Now I see the whole picture, it gives me more power over this (the good kind of power). I can't believe my life has been so influenced by middle-rate Hollywood hacks (I mean, these weren't even good films!).

Hope all's well out there, have a great, P-free day all

 

LetItGoAlready

Active Member
Joel,

I can certainly relate to "erotic thrillers" from the old days and how those shaped my own views of sex and relationships between men and women. Funny how, even with access to all that the internet has to offer today, there is still a part of me that is drawn to material from the simpler, grainier times of my youth. Once you lift the veil, you quickly realize how cheesy those films were compared to what you remember in your mind's eye. There's no denying, though, that they had an effect - a very long-lasting one judging by how long I've been under the spell of PA.

Glad to hear you're taking back your power, friend. Take care!
 

joepanic

Respected Member
Hey Joel
   
    That strikes a chord with me too  I can still quite remember the content from 3-4 decades ago.  Although I don't feel as bad about having watched some of that as I do  about some of the more recent internet p stuff.  Strange feeling for sure.  Its almost that the purpose of  material from 40 years ago is different from the material produced today.  Perhaps a study needs to be done.  Anyway keep up the good fight

    Cheers

      Post often it helps me it helps you
 
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