Rebooting trough self-parenting

stepbystep

Active Member
EarthWalker said:
Came across this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VO6XEQIsCoM

The secret to happiness is low expectations.

This was an awesome speech. Another thought I had was porn gives us more choices and pleasure but that does not translate to more happiness. Our expectations for pleasure is much higher when we choose to look at porn, and those expectations are not met when use so we feel unsatisfied.
 

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
90 days since last PMO

This time for real. Woohoo.

No super powers yet. But what I have been repeating now. This emotional charge behind the P images is becoming less intense. Less arousal. Etc. Find it easier not to get triggered.

Wish everyone well and seeing us free of P.
EW
 

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
Dry dream followed by a wet dream. P dreams in both cases.

Ended up MOing 2x. 1x to vanilla PIV fantasy and the other to sensation only.

What I managed in the last 90 days is to limit P scenes to dream time and the very few FMOs. Haven't watched P or peeked in over 90 days.

So far 2x wet dreams in March, 4x MO with 1x being a FMO.

It is what it is. Cannot rush this process. I will do my best to keep MO to sensation only.

Came across this song made me cry.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DHEOF_rcND8

Wish everyone a good day and seeing us all free of P
EW
 

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
Thank you Stepbystep. Wish you well and seeing you free from P.

March completed:

2x Wet Dreams
5x MO (2xMO in one day, 1xFMO)

April here we go:

I'll do my best when shit hits the fan to just MO to sensation only.

Wish everyone a good month of April and seeing us all free from P.
EW
 

imsorrynotsorry

Active Member
Hey EarthWalker,

Congratulations on the 90 days. This is the first step to be done and it's of great value and proof you can handle. So nice to see you going that good.

Keep on trucking and updating about what comes next for you.

Imsor
 

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
Thank you Imsor.

---
I relapsed at Day 107 with a PMO.

Up until this point I had mostly MOs trying to keep it vanilla/sensation only. But there were MOs to P thoughts involved.

Overall. I am happy. This is part of the process. This is the longest I have gone now without stimulating myself with external P.

But I believe I have now uncovered what the issue is. It is a paradox in my mind. But not really. Just how energetic physics work.

I've been suppressing my emotions. Like. I shouldn't like P. I shouldn't be thinking like this. This is bad....etc. I've been putting judgements and expectations onto P. I've also been ignoring, denying emotions that come up.

Like a P thought comes up and I feel like I shouldn't be feeling like this. I don't accept this. I've come to realize this.

There is good and bad. But they are all the expression of all-that-is. If I reject bad emotions like anger etc. I reject P sensations. As something "bad", something to be ignored, repressed. It doesn't work. It actually produces even more constrictions. Compression of energy. I am rejecting part of myself. As I am the drop of the ocean and the ocean itself. I am rejecting part of the ocean. This is self-limiting. As everything that exists is a valid expression of the ocean.

What I tried now is to meet my emotions (no matter if good or bad) with acceptance and love. When P thoughts came up. I am not rejecting or suppressing them. I meet them with acceptance and love.

What is a total mind bender for me. When I accept and love my P thoughts and emotions....they don't linger around. They flow-out pretty soon. They just want to be heard, seen, appreciated, loved.

Comes back to my early childhood where I feel strongly that my parents didn't really hear me, see me, appreciate me, love me. Like I mentioned somewhere on the journal. I was raised by my grandmother until age 7-8-9 or something like that. Don't remember the exact age. But my parents weren't there for me in the early childhood.

Anyway... with accepting, loving, seeing, acknowledging the bad thoughts and bad emotions in my experience they transmute and flow out. They just want to be acknowledged and seen.

I am crying lately. I love it. Transmutation process. This is the way (for me).

Wish everyone a great week.

Much love to everyone
EW
 

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
Pretty massive urges hit me but I was able to transform.

I accepted the urges without judgement and expectations. This is a perfectly valid expression of the all-that-is.

I inquired upon my emotions. I visualized myself in 3rd person PMOing. I inspected the emotions.

Then I asked myself if this aligned to my true self?
Then what blew my mind. I looked into beliefs. This act of PMOing to fetish P. Why fetish P? Which belief is responsible for this. To my big surprise.

What is revealed to me. I have a belief that sexual deviancy is normal. This is my belief. Really? Some other beliefs showed up. To my big surprise I didn't know I had them.

Is this aligned with my true self?

I cannot control anything except my preferences. I stated my intention clearly that I wish my sexuality and beliefs to be aligned with my true self.

This process allowed me to flow out the pretty strong urges to PMO.

This is the way (for me). Acceptance, non-judgement. Everything is a valid expression of the all-that-is. Inquire on my emotions, beliefs. Have preferences. Intend to align/prefer positive emotions/beliefs aligned to my higher self, my true self.

Like being a ship on the ocean. The only thing I can control is the direction (preferences). How things manifest. I cannot control directly. I can just control my preferences. With placing blame, judgement, expectations I make the storms even bigger.

Sail true.

Seeing us as free from P.

EW
 

Phineas 808

Well-Known Member
I am rejecting part of myself.

I don't mean to cherry pick here, because I really loved everything you said on your April 12th post.

But literally the next day (13th), I thought the same things...

My focus however was on an album I have saved in IG, not sexual (usually), but an appreciation of beauty. And often times I'll struggle with something, and then I'm like, I have to sacrifice this album by deleting it, unsaving the mostly innocent photos- but evertime I come to this 'precipice', I back away...

For one, I don't wish to be overly restrictive (we know how that backfires), I don't wish to be legalistic with myself. Now for those times I do save something that's only going to cause me to compromise my abstinence, I do deal with it, and delete it. But the thought came to me, if I delete this whole album, I'm rejecting a part of my self. In my history, when I became a Christian (back as a teenager), I used to draw and write poetry. So, in my juvenile zeal, I then got rid of all my drawings and poems that didn't have to do with Christ. For the poems, I rewrote them, Christianized them. But in so doing, I rejected a part of myself.

Now some drawings were worthy of getting rid of, as they didn't reflect my new found faith, or who I had become. But there were a lot of innocent drawings that I then rejected. To this day, it's a challenge to draw- I don't draw as much as I used to (though I still have the talent). And poetry, that's improved over the years, but I still don't write as much as I could.

Point is, you're so right about this- in rejecting these things, I rejected (and killed) parts of myself. So, this appreciation of beauty (on IG, etc) is not necessarily an ugly perverse thing, and I rather use it much like you said on the previous page, to maintain a non-restrictive and yet freedom from the obsession.
 

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
Thank you for sharing Phineas. Appreciate it.

Went for a walk where a P scene showed up in my minds eye. Instead of trying to repress it. Deny it. I welcomed it. Welcome. I acknowledge you. I accept you as a valid expression of all-that-is God.

The thoughts lingered for a little while, then left peacefully. This is the way. They just wanted to be seen.

If I tried to repress this. Deny it. Like I don't want to be thinking this. It wouldn't have left peacefully but the situation would got worse.

Also want to mention. Accepting something as valid. Isn't giving it consent. I am making myself very clear with my intentions. I intend for my sexuality to be aligned with my true/higher self. This toughs are not in alignment with my true self.

This said. The thoughts are valid. They are not something that I'd like deny existence to. So I accept their existence. I am not accepting them as part of my true sexuality. But just acknowledging that they are here. They are valid. They are heard, they are seen. And they are loved. They are accepted.

Seeing us all as free from P.
EW
 
Hey EW,

Like a few other journals, I've been quite poor at checking-in and commenting in them recently. As such, I'm working on 'stopping by' all those journals I have been actively following but just haven't posted in them for some time.  Hence this post of mine now!

One of you recent comments stood out to me as it was similar (perhaps?) to thoughts I had not too long ago:

Then I asked myself if this aligned to my true self?
Then what blew my mind. I looked into beliefs. This act of PMOing to fetish P. Why fetish P? Which belief is responsible for this. To my big surprise.

What is revealed to me. I have a belief that sexual deviancy is normal. This is my belief. Really? Some other beliefs showed up. To my big surprise I didn't know I had them.

Maybe at some point last year I was wondering if my years of P usage, when I was really in deep - my mid-teens through to early-twenties -, affected what I found as physically attractive. It is more complex than just blonde v brunette v red head (as a slightly trite example) but it is a curious thought as to whether years of P usage has created a lifelong preference to a certain physical type of girl. Maybe I'm overthinking things because when it comes to P, variety is the name of the game for most people. Attractions to a certain type of P 'person' may be stronger than to others but reviewing P habits of a regular P user over a 6-12 month period (for example) probably won't show too many patterns aside from the user wanting to consume a wide variety of material. Anyway, I still do wonder if my old P habits influence the type of female physicality that appeals to me. I really hope that they don't though because I want to be attracted to someone for who they are, not what my brain has been unnaturally nurtured to prefer.
 

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
Since last PMO 11.4. 12.4 Where I learned about acceptance and about feeling emotions. P has been a non issue for me.

Today I had a Wet dream. The chaser is super manageable now that I don't fight P. I accept it. I don't reject it. I don't ignore it. I don't try to sweep it under the rug.

I accept and acknowledge P. It is a valid part of me. This said. I am not giving away consent.

My intention is to align my sexuality with my highest expression. I do not consent of leeching of my sexual energies. All my sexual energies belong to me.

I will intend now for this to apply also in dream time.

P.s. I am quitting my job. I'll go to my doctor afaik you can get sick leave for burnout. I have problems concentrating, I am off work for 3 weeks now and am still super tired. The tasks at work just don't resonate with me. I am feeling so much resistance to work it is beyond everything. Need to listen to my intuition, to my heart.

Seeing us all free from P.
EW

edit: I am on hardmode. NoFap and noP.
 
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EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
Loving the update site. The design feels very natural. Thanks Gabe.

I am figuring things out. I started to self study psychology, quantum physics and spirituality. I am getting somewhere. At the end of the day it is all so simple but the road to get there is anything but.

Today got very triggered. I did not peek. I started to dabble with wanting to make a diagram of how the consciousness works for the 3D mind to understand.

Basically I am juggling with Actions, Thoughts, Emotions, Values, Beliefs, Personality, Attitude, Experiences, Memory....and now also Needs.

I want to make an effective system to deal with triggers. What is the most effective way to bring out change? In my view it is going head on with our value and belief system.

I can try and apply willpower and fight my emotions and thoughts. But this is extremely unproductive. Like trying to control a river just before it flows to the ocean. What is better is to go upstream. Effect change at the stream. Where the rivers starts to flow.

But our belief and value system isn't the source....The source is our Needs.

So I started to ask myself. What need does PMO solve for me? In this case it is the need for intimacy. Then I said the following.

I am sorry body for wanting to fill the need for intimacy with a PMO. I am sorry for not finding a healthy way of fulfilling this need. Please forgive me. I love you. Thank you.

After saying this I just started to cry a lot. Then the trigger just collapsed. This is what it came to teach me.

What is also a bit shocker to me. The body understands and is happy to help. Being kind and compassionate to the body it responds in kind.

In my last PMO escapade. I learned if I allow P thoughts to come without judgement, meet them as equals, don't look down on them or try to repress them. They leave quite fast most of the time. But 100% of the time they leave a lot faster compared if I would be trying to deny and repress them. Fighting doesn't work in my experience.

I want to build a co-operative relationship with my body (inner child). I am the parent. I wish to make this a win-win situation. I cannot repress or denying anything. The P triggers are just there to show me my blindspots. Fighting them doesn't work in the long run. I want to find long run solutions that are easy to implement in the now moment.

What I see is also possible to live with my needs unfulfilled. But this requires a change of my belief system. I can be content with my life with the need for intimacy to be temporarily unfulfilled. The body understands my struggles. It understands. It is difficult for me to find intimacy at this time. I can start first now by making a relationship with my body first then the inner to the outer. Sooner or later a women will appear in my life. Loving yourself is a lot less incestious than it sounds.

Thank you for reading.

Wish everyone well.

EW
 

Phineas 808

Well-Known Member
I really appreciate your thoughts above, EW!

You hit so many points on the head, I won't burden your journal by quoting the whole thing- though it deserves it!

What, beyond the surface dynamics of habit, drives the addiction? This has been my focus for a while now, the deeper emotional/spiritual needs.

I've come to the same or similar conclusions for me, as yourself. Intimacy, the need for it, is a major driver because these things were unmet for me in my 'family of origin'.

Of course, too, I've agreed with you before on the failure of a head-on approach, trying to fight our urges as they arise. It's best to nonjudgmentally dismiss them, breathing deeper until they pass, rinse and repeat. This has been so helpful in my own struggles.

I know on one level, and I'll often speak to this, is that triggers (or what I prefer to call 'cues') are not to be feared, or even avoided as such, but to be used- not to put ourselves in dangerous situations, but to teach us how to take back power, that we can outlast or dismiss any urge.

And again, each trigger, as you said, has something to teach us about ourselves. For example, Yes, a sexy magazine advertisement may serve as a cue, but a pretty lady smiling at me may be an even stronger cue, because of it's deeper emotional implications.

Finally, I want to say that at least for me, EW, even having a wife and family itself hasn't solved the intimacy issue for me. Even I'm getting along, love her, and am loved by her- and we have an okay time in bed- I still have deep emotional issues that are, quite frankly, outside of her ability to solve for me.

My answer is spirituality, as it seems to be for yourself also. So, I think a combination between human and divine relationships (however those are defined for the individual) may work hand-in-hand to help fulfill our deep emotional needs.
 

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
Finally, I want to say that at least for me, EW, even having a wife and family itself hasn't solved the intimacy issue for me. Even I'm getting along, love her, and am loved by her- and we have an okay time in bed- I still have deep emotional issues that are, quite frankly, outside of her ability to solve for me.
Thank you for sharing this. Sorry I don't post on your journal. And in general sorry guys for not posting much on your journals. I feel more like keeping it here.

I can understand what you wrote. Our inner world is our responsibility. Others can help us but we need to walk the walk. It wouldn't work other-wize. The Hero's Journey.

This said. I started to miss this 3D physical touch. I don't need much...but more than zero.
 

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
I ended up with a PMO. Very short P watching. Didn't really felt like watching anyway.

So my pervious PMO was 12th April. It was smooth sailing until 1st May (hard mode). I got super horny. I MO'ed on 1st May. Then yesterday I managed the P thoughts. Now today in the morning it was a bit too much horniness.

It wasn't as much about P as it was just needing to vent this sexual energy. As I didn't really got "into" P that much. I ended up watching 2 P videos. < 15 minutes. Everything feels so the same. See one P movie see them all. Anyway...

A good learning opportunity.

Sexual Energy build-upMethodSuccess
None - to - LowObserve with preferencesJust observing/mindfulness never resonate deeply with me. But If I observe with preferences. Like my preference is for my sexuality to be aligned with my higher self. So I have some sort of a stake at the process. This works excellent for me. So I am observing with preferences for the outcomes but I don't judge or project expectations. If it happens it happens if it doesn't it doesn't. This works beautifully. Easy to do and with great success.

Also important to feel the feelings.
Around MediumObserve with preferences + deep introspectionUpdate to the previous method, now I just go deeply and try to find the underlying cause. Where is this coming from? Why? Like I figured out the need for intimacy.
Medium - to - High??? Relapse ???When sex drive is very high, I am yet to find a good method that works in the moment. Maybe I just need to build the observe + prefer method muscle some more?

I have some ideas how to deal with medium to high sexual energy build up. I'll explore some solutions then report here.

I am exploring 2 options. Either I need to level up the observe + prefer method. Alternatively I am looking at some energy circulation practice. Maybe both will be needed.

I like the change in attitude. I don't feel down about the relapse. I accept it. I'd prefer if things were different. But I accept the way things are. It is my responsibility. I'd prefer if things were different.

Wish everyone well

EW
 

Phineas 808

Well-Known Member
Sorry I don't post on your journal... I feel more like keeping it here.

I somehow knew this, lol... No worries, no reciprocation needed. I'm happy to read your thoughts, and comment as long as I can somehow be of benefit to yourself.

This said. I started to miss this 3D physical touch. I don't need much...but more than zero.

I definitely can appreciate this. I hope my comments weren't seen as a dismissing of this need for human connection and touch, because it's certainly the lack thereof that has driven my own issues... My hope is that you will find that yin to your yang, and that the fullness of your human experience will be realized in this harmony and beauty of relationship.

I ended up with a PMO. Very short P watching. Didn't really felt like watching anyway.

Sorry to hear that..., but grateful that you're being nonjudgmental about it, which means you'll bounce back a lot quicker.

I also understand about the not really feeling like watching it, though doing it any way. That was me in my April 13th lapse (a day after your own).

I have some ideas how to deal with medium to high sexual energy build up. I'll explore some solutions then report here.

Your chart looks very interesting, and would love to see what you come up with.

Blessings.
 
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