Rebooting trough self-parenting

[EarthWalker]

One more week passed by:

Monday: OK (P dream, no problem)
Tuesday: OK (P dream, no problem)
Wednesday: OK (controllable urges)
Tuesday: FAIL (PM followed by MO)
Friday: FAIL (PM followed by MO)
Saturday: FAIL (PMO)
Sunday: FAIL (PM)

I know where I went wrong but there was nothing I could do about it. Got overwhelmed with everything.

But the Summer 2020 is just starting for me:

1. I told my boss that I am taking the summer off work. It didn't come as a surprise as I talked before hand of being a lot of time on vacations during the summer. Initially we agreed on something like 50% off time as there are no time critical tasks to be done during the summer. Basically the project will not be at a loss due to my absence during the summer. I haven't heard back but I guess it is fine. Even if it is not my wellbeing comes first. I need to spend way less time behind a computer screen. The work just sucks off my mind power.

2. I will be making small and incremental changes to my lifestyle over the summer.

3. The root cause of my P addiction I view as "Parenting Defeat" as explained by my first post. I view P just like an off the counter medication for a health issue.

What is the intention for Summer of 2020.
Primary goal: Start the process of healing the inner child
Secondary goal: Make incremental improvements to my lifestyle. With focus on social and physical.

The good: For the past few days I managed to get up just before 7 in the morning. Quite a feat for me as I am used of getting up at 9 or 10.
The bad: took a hit in P usage. But I don't mind it.

Plan for the upcoming week:
Go running 2x per week in the morning. @imsorry Thank you for the reply. Do you have any good online resources? I am thinking of finding some audio instructions so that I can listen while walking walking/running. I remember a while back finding something that gives pacing for beginners using some music.

Make at least 1x hiking trip.

Plan for week after that:
Find a partner for running and hiking using online forums. To complement the 2x running and 1x hiking.

This week I don't feel ready to start the inner child healing sessions. They take 30 mins and when I start them I wish to remain consistent every day.

A short while back I did 1 inner child healing session. It was very heavy stuff. I find it very depressing. To give you an idea of how they look like. I asked my inner child what his favorite movie is: Karate Kid. Why? Because Daniel had a father figure in his life. Had to just take a break and lie down and cry. That sort of thing.

It is good as it brings what is suppressed in the unconscious to the surface for healing. Not yet ready to commit to do this everyday. What I read is that you really need to commit to do this everyday other wize the healing is very limited. Not yet ready to commit for this level of work. Wish to improve physically just a little bit beforehand.

My graduation gift: I wish to go to a surfing trip in Portugal (in 2021). I had one surfing lesson a few years back. I loved it. I wish to be in shape to do it properly.

EW

 

[imsorrynotsorry]

Hello EarthWalker,

i just go running for about 45-60 mins without anything special. For me it is necessary that my running hobby is sustainable, therefore i don't need much improvement or need to feel 'the burn'. I've read quite a lot about running in general and how to avoid injuries. 2 times/week is perfect for the beginning, like first 12-24 months. In one session you can experience a bit of fartlek and the other just at a steady normal pace. Exercises for stretching for me is necessary, to avoid also injuries like 'runner's knee'.

After quick research i found the perfect site:
https://www.runnersworld.com/advanced/a20828929/train-at-the-right-intensity-ratio/

I like how you approach your goals. A good plan is always something one can count on. Also the facing of that inner child will give some sort of peace with things and will help you adress emotions.

 

[EarthWalker]

Thank you for the link. Really glad to hear you are doing well with running and in general.

I have 9 weeks ahead of me of possibly no work. I did say to my boss that if something urgents comes up I will come to work. I don't expect this to be the case. But anyway. I have 9 weeks to myself. This is a lot of time but at the same time not a lot of time. ~60 days.

Week 28/2020 Plan:
o) Get up before 7.
o) Start with spine exercises
o) Go running 2x
o) Go on a hiking trip

I'll post every morning when I wake up. Today I missed my wake up. Got up at around 8. Surprisingly I got to bed earlier than usual. Got off the computer at around 21:30. Anyway. See you tomorrow.

 

[Frergstroh]

Hi earthwalker,

I read your opening post and I can only admire your honesty.
It also made me a bit emotional, you did not have an easy start in life.
I alsof think that porn use comes from other problems, that it is a sign of underlying things.
At least that is how it starts, but after so many years it almost becomes a part of yourself, at least that is what I experience.

Do you have good friends or maybe professional help that can help you sort out your issues?

 

[Orbiter]

Sounds like you've got quite the solid plan there for some meaningful self-development during your time off. 9 weeks is almost the perfect time too and i'm honestly a little bit jealous.

Make sure not to be too hard on yourself or too 'all or nothing' while doing so. Setting yourself up to fail in such a way is a common road to relapse I have walked many times. If you can bend, you will never break

Looking forward to hearing of the progress with your new routine.

 

[EarthWalker]

Thank you Frergstroh and Orbiter for the kind words.

Orbiter: Thanks. I was working overtime over the lockdown to save up some money so I can take the summer off work. I think it is a sensible strategy.

Frergstroh:

I don't have any friends to hang out with. Live in a small town so not that much clubs I can join. I'd like to try archery. But nothing near me.

I tried some "professional" help. I thought we were making progress. But he ended up dumping me as a patient over email. I can see why. I think I triggered some unhealed trauma in the guy. When I said that I feel like my mother never loved me. He got a bit uneasy. Then also I drilled in about suicide he got even more unseasy (afaik he had a suicide in the family). I can get pretty tenacious when I am hunting down the problem. I just wanted to fix the problem ASAP. I can see now how my ego got in the way. This is not like fixing a machine. Like you either repair or replace a spare part that is localized. There is nothing localized about our past. Everything is interconnected. Past trauma is like frozen light. It is happening now. Like carrying some ice cubes/blocks around. You don't replace/fix them, you melt them when the time is right.

Paraphrasing from some Peterson podcast. It struck me a lot. I will rephrase in my own words in slighly different context. Bascially people with PTSD. They need a sophisticated understanding of the world. A simple model of the world just doesn't work. I find a lot of truth here.

I believe that all the top psychologist are working for the power elite. They managed to brainwash people in putting poison in their body and make it culturally acceptable. Like smoking. The psychology behind this is pretty advanced/sophisticated. There is quite literally a sing on the package that says this is poison.

Luckily I think the past few years some of that top psychology is starting to become more publicly available. You could argue it is all in the buddhist texts / bible. True. The reason I don't like any religion is they made a corporation out of some spiritual and psychological truths. The way they explain things is done in a way that is a lot more complicated than it should be. Also some things get ommitted and changed because they want you to keep coming back. If they had their best interest at heart they would teach you stuff then want you to leave them and lead a happy, healthy and meaninful life on your own.

I am working on a theory. Inner-sustainability vs external-dependance. Do I need other people to validate my life? Do I need to have a healthy and happy childhood to live a healthy, meaningful and happy life as an adult? Do I need to have a GF that loves me in order to feel loved, to be a loving person?

In some way this is a bit of a chicken and egg problem. But the symmetry can be broken. In my view with a lot of inner work. It is super hard and a lot of people don't quite make it. So No. I don't need to have a happy and healthy childhood to be a happy, healhty adult having a meaningful life. I don't need a GF to be a loving person. But it would help quite a lot. This way I will need to apply myself quite a lot. My understanding of the world cannot be naive. I need to have a very sophisticated understanding of the world. It is super hard. But I guess I wouldn't want it any other way.

What struck me quite a bit in Peterson's 12 rules (1st chapter) for life and Jocko's mentality. Is that you can view life:

(again, this is my own interpretation)

1) I didn't choose this. I am a victim of circumstance. I have a trucklod of excuses (valid and true) why my life sucks.
2) I chose to do this. I have a truckload of challenges to overcome.

To bad I didn't mark the time and the podast when Jocko talks about having an attack the enemy mission vs escort the convoy mission. Talks about the mindset. In attack the enemy. Basically you are choosing to do this. You plan, you execute in a sense the enemy is the victim. With the convoy escort. It is the other way around. In a sense you are a victim of circumstance and the enemy gets to choose to do this. He talks about how he tells his guys that they should basically reprogram their mind to think that they are the ones who chose to do this. If an attack on the convoy happens it is like. Good. We chose this and not them. Should relisten. Will try to find it again.

Am I a victim of circumstance or did I chose to level up by having a challenging life?

Really enjoyed this:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1opHWsHr798
and basically all other Peterson's podcasts/presentations. Specially like the ones he did with Jocko and Joe Rogan.

Edited: Added:

Wow Peterson was 6 times on Joe Rogan.

https://www.youtube.com/user/PowerfulJRE/search?query=peterson

and 3 times on Jocko
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCkqcY4CAuBFNFho6JgygCnA/search?query=peterson

 

[EarthWalker]

Waking up in the morning

There is something about this. It is too early to tell for me but it does like there is something about this. I feel less depressed if I wake up in the morning. Even if I don't do anything producitve the whole day. The day feels better. I am waking up between 6:15 and 6:45.

I made a table with 9x7 days for tracking waking up time / mood upon waking up on a piece of paper. I color the boxes green/orange/red.

 

[EarthWalker]

Value system problem

In terms of sexual behaviour. I view(ed) being a freak in bed as something positive. I think this is also something influenced by the programming from the media. Sexual freedom - be free - explore your sexuality to the fullest. That means also sex toys, etc. Now I think this is not so positive. Boring sex vs some kinky experimentation. But this is mixing apples and oranges.

1. Sex as intimacy - 2 people connecting with each other on a deeply personal level
2. Sex as lust ->  2 people getting off seeing each other as a sex toy, the weirder the better.

But the waters are a bit muddy as the elements get tangled together. On side note I have a theory that BDSM might also be some way of showing the unconscious to the conscious. Sure there is a lot of communication and care and after care and everything. But it is not about 2 people connecting in a shared life. It is more about putting to surface some stuff from the unconscious that is not understood. Instead of being understood what is it about it is just expressed. Like doing a theatre play without understanding who the author is and why is it played.

I think that just sex as intimacy is the way to go. When lust gets involved it muddies the waters without much added value. But I don't know what I am talking about.

What I do know. Is that I view(ed) sexual experimentation as something positive. Be free. Experiment. Watching fetish P is aligned with that value of more interesting sex is better than the boring vanilla. Looking from purely physical view this is true. Fetish P is much more physically stimulating than vanilla. But fetish P is mostly about lust and objectifying the person. Not about 2 people connecting. The boring sex is about connection. With the connection it is not boring at all.

I'll look into changing the value of

fetish P > vanilla sex
fetish P <<< vanilla sex

EW

 

[imsorrynotsorry]

Hi EarthWalker,

i'm not 100% with you on the value situation of intimacy and fetish porn, because i suspect fetish and all the other more extreme versions of normal sex are porn-related symptoms, which grow out of our high speed internet porn problem.

What I do know. Is that I view(ed) sexual experimentation as something positive

Did you yourself really think that or was it the porn that gave you the feeling to think that?

Keep up your good work.

 

[EarthWalker]

Hi, Imsorry.

Thanks for chiming in and words of encouragement. You gave me some food for thought.

Fetish P is a lot older than HSIP. They also did some weird stuff in the past. I think again coming from some unhealed subconscious trauma rather than something healthy. Afaik the most common fetish is foot fetish. Probably coming from childhood.

If you mean of the origin of seeing experimentation as positive. I am generally an open minded individual and like to explore different venues. I guess part of it is my innate sense of exploration and part of it is P. If you would quite literally ask me yesterday what kind of girl I want in bed. I'd say I'd want her to be kinky as f in bed. Now... I am not soo sure this is a good trait.

Rebooting. Looks like this is about deprogramming P. This means also our value system. I never thought about it that way. I viewed reboot more on physical side. Your little friend gets a rest and the brain gets a rest. But the whole value system needs a reset as well. The emotional and mental system. Part of personality. This is deep stuff. No wonder it is such a challenge. It is the whole interwoven tapestry of being. Beliefs (about love), values (what do you value about sexuality), all way down to the physical brain cells.

Edit,added: Did you ever experimented with non-vanilla? If soo how did it feel?

EW

 

[EarthWalker]

Again, waking up in the morning is awesome.

When I woke up. Felt like I didn't want to do anything. I had planned to do a hiking trip. Feeling like I'd like to stay in bed. But got up. Just got in front of the computer. You know what. Maybe a hiking trip isn't such a bad idea.

Even a week ago I'd wake up at 8 or 9 then stay in bed and be on my phone mindlessly browsing funny websites for 1-2 hours. Think cat memes and stuff. What a waste of time.

Did the hiking trip. Something "easy". ~ 3 hour hike. The level ground is fine but the steep incline really showed how out of shape I am. I also have some trouble breathing. I think the spine is the critical issue. Had about 3 incidents that negatively impacted the spine together with the sitting job really messed it up.

Looks like that waking up in the morning is stabilised enough so I can try to work on a new habit.

Don't want to overload myself. During the next 9 weeks. I want to focus on building healthy habits and starting the inner child/self parenting session. Reboot is on the back burner but I'll keep on logging my P exposure. I am seriously mind programmed by P. This is serious stuff.

I have severely underestimated the effect of P and also the spine/posture problem.

In the morning and in the evening I want to do the spine exercises. Top priority. My posture is seriously messed up. It messes up everything. Digestion, breathing to name the few, possibly also the heart. This is serious issue.

Tomorrow morning and evening will start with the spine exercises.

Running will have to wait. It would be too much. I'll make sure to go for at least a 30 min walk each day that is about it.

Next week will make 2 hiking trips. I'll ask for someone to join me next next week possibly. I am in horrible shape.

Wish everyone well.

But now will keep it one small step a time.

EW

 

[Orbiter]

Sounds like the hike was a nice adventure and could be a welcome new addition to your lifestyle. Kudos to you for breaking the cycle, going out and actually following through with it. I know how you feel with the spine difficulties, I have some mild back issues too. Exercise and being active definitely helps so be sure to stick with it.

Letting the reboot sit on the backburner doing it's work in the background is definitely the way to go with this process I feel. I noticed though you said you're logging your P exposure, does that mean you're still periodically looking at it?

 

[imsorrynotsorry]

Great progress, right direction from my perspective.

Think cat memes and stuff. What a waste of time.

This stands for all the apps and platforms where you can be entertained by. In Tara Brachs word, in the end it is the 'not being present' that leads us away from ourselfs and keeps us there. I like to think that this is something yoz don't need right now, the not being present.

Spine exercise is important since we sit most of the day. Be sure that spine exercise is not about speed or repitition, it's about practice the exercises deep into the stretching. Hard spine exercise leads to shortened muscles, which then add more pressure on the vertebraes.

Last part from me: Successfull introduction of new habits starts after 21 days and sustainable it is after 90. I've read that somewhere.

 

[EarthWalker]

Thank you for the feedback Orbiter and Imsorry.

I am not yet ready to commit to a reboot. I can understand now better why and how it works. But I have a limited about of energy I can commit to something. If I commit to the reboot I don't have enough for other stuff. So first I need a bigger battery and/or more efficienty energy distribution network.

I'd first like to
o) reset waking up / going to sleep
o) reset posture
o) have at least some decent diet going on
o) be at least in some decent physical shape
...

Each time I tried to introduce some healthy habbit there is some pushback via P. I believe that the amount of negative interference is too much. It should be a lot easier to add some healthy habbits. But it is very hard to go from diseased lifestyle to a healthy lifestyle. So I am taking it slow.

I don't mind if I start with reboot in a few months. For now priority is to get my physical body in some minimal good shape. Then I want to start the inner child sessions. After that I will commit to a reboot.

Maybe 90 days to get in shape, 90 days for the session and then start with the reboot. I don't know. Will see.

This is gold:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SF3x3aEtjLo

Wish everyone the best on their journey
EW

 

[EarthWalker]

Got me thinking about PTSD.

There is nothing Post-Traumatic as referring to the past about it. It is in the now. Stress is such a weak word. I am stressed if I don't get my tax return on time. Traumatic experience from the past is not something I can be "stressed" about. Devastation and shock is more like it. Shell shock. This is happening now. A state of shock not a state of stress.

Past-Abuse-Devastation-Event-Now-Shock-Trauma. PADENST. It is Pent up.

In psychology there is a concept of sub-personalities. Speaking for myself. When I use P I think it is accurate to say that a different sub-personality comes online. I view it is a coping mechanism. I think in 100% healthy human there are no sub-personalities. But we need to cope with a diseased world. So there is a sub-personality for work, for family, etc. We act differently as would our original personality as a way to cope. Being able to be yourself and not be yourself. I think it might be accurate to say I am carrying a sub-personality of traumatized and shocked child with me. It is in the now not in the past. It is preventing me to become my "real" self.

All in due time. Baby steps.

Waking up in the morning.

No matter when I go to bed. I don't make excuses for not getting up in the morning. If I go to bed at 1 AM I am still going to make my 7 AM deadline. This is fixed. I put 0% focus on trying to go to bed earlier. Just 100% focus on getting up earlier. Now to my surprise there is some pushback at me getting late to bed. Find this pretty interesting.

EW

 

[EarthWalker]

Week 1 is coming to a close.

In terms of PMO this week is a disaster. But like I mentioned. I am not yet ready to commit to a reboot.

In other terms I consider it a good week.

1) Got waking up under control. Something that I viewed quite literally as impossible. Now I wake up each day just before 7. I am feeling a noticeable improvement in mood because of this. Nothing drastic but noticeable enough to give me confidence that I improved. The day feels better. Also started to go to bed earlier. I don't put any effort in getting to bed earlier. But my wake up is set in stone. if I go to bed 1 AM I am still going to wake up just before 7. My subconscious started to work automatically on improving the going to sleep time.
2) I am learning quite a lot. This Peterson's materials are helping me to put some disjoint puzzle pieces together.
3) Did 1 hiking trip. The somewhat heavy backpack (by my out of shape standards) is not good for my spine.
4) Didn't do any running. It would be too much.

Plan for this week:
1) Top priority: Keep on waking up just before 7. I haven't reached 21/90 days. This is still top priority.
2) Top priority: Do at a minimum 1x spine exercises. Ideally 2x per day.
3) Top priority: Go for a short walk everyday
2) Optionally: do some other exercises ideally 2x per day.
2) Optionally: Do 2 short hiking trips (I am out of shape), something that doesn't require a heavy backpack.

I'll wait with getting someone to join me with the hikes and stuff after I get to at least some minimal shape.

Wish everyone a start of a good new week.

EW

 

[EarthWalker]

Previous week was a disaster in terms of PMO.

So far so good. Monday clear, today also clear.

I'll try a different tactic. The cheat day tactic. I will strive to abstain from P hard mode. Except for Sunday. I'll see how it goes.

As I said reboot isn't my 1st priority at this time but will be in due time.

Waking up works. Got up again at 7 even if just had 6 hours of sleeps which is insufficient for me. Grumpy the whole day.

Aim Low (area). Aim Up (direction). One step at the time.

EW

 

[EarthWalker]

Face a lot of resistance today for getting up at time. But I pushed trough it. I am waking up before 7. The subconscious can either help me or get out of its way. I am getting up before 7.

Pretty tired from work. Got to work for a few days. I'll be going there for a few days per week. Enough to motivate me to improve my life. I don't want to be a slave to the monetary system.

I typed a P site in the browser. But I stopped myself before opening the page.

It is not about P as it is about my own self-something. Self-anger. I am very displeased with myself for going the path of addiction.

Time to turn the ship around. But slow and steady does it. I think cheat day will still be a necessity. I cannot put too much pressure on the system.

Also getting a lot of resistance on doing the spine exercises. Manage to do them 2 days in a row. Luckily they are short but very effective. I think 1x per day is enough. I'll add a spine/bone "mediation" type exercise in the evening.

Wish everyone a good day.

EW

 

[EarthWalker]

Again, a lot of resistance in getting up. Still managed to get up just before 7:20. Not ideal but it sure beats getting up at 9:30 or something like that.

I need to put some more conscious effort in getting to bed earlier. I thought it is going to happen automatically but conscious effort is needed.

I've bought a new wifi router. It is much better than the old one. It was also easy for me to create a schedule for wifi to become disabled between 21:00 and 6:00.

This is not as much about not being able to access P at night as is about not mindlessly surfing the net late at night. If there is no internet there isn't much for me to do anyway. Will see how it goes.

I'll now put some conscious effort in getting to bed earlier. I'll try not to use any electronics after 21:00. Will see how it goes.

The urges are picking up. For now I just say. I'll do P on my cheat day. Which will be Saturday so I have the Sunday to get my shit together again. Not ideal but need to start somewhere.

EW

 

[EarthWalker]

Aim Low.

For the past few days I am consistent in going for a walk in nature. I found a nice place ~20 min drive one way with a nice river with rapids. There is something about running water that has a calming effect on the mind.

Cheat day. I used some P didn't feel nice. Just an automaton. I'll do my best now to be on hard mode until next cheat day on the next Saturday. I can do 6 days. This is doable.

Finding a lot of resistance to do the spine exercises even if they make me feel better. How insane is that? Why would I self sabotage? I'll put this down to interference.

Next year. I'll say my greatest achievement in July was getting up at 7 in the morning. Could be viewed as pathetic. But it is surprisingly big deal for me. Even if I waste my day. It feels less wasted than if I sleep in.

Wish everyone a good rest of the weekend.

EW