Rebooting trough self-parenting

46and2

Active Member
Far out my man! I've been taking a journey into mindfulness this year too! Since my last relapse I stopped but the realisation that it was helping me as it helps you is giving me a renewed motivation to begin the process again.
 

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
34 days no PMO and 20 days hardmode.

Lust and horniness is getting easier to manage. This mindfulness++ is working out.

I hold space for lust and horniness. Observe. But at the same time I also intend for my sexual energies to be aligned with my authentic innate sexuality. I intend for my sexual energies to be mixing with the heart center. I intend for my sexual energies to be contained inside me.

So looks like this is it. Now just have to wait for the broken bone to mend.

Much love
EW

Great going EarthWalker. Mindfulness++ is clearly the way ahead!
 

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
Thank you @46and2 for writing this. Brings me joy to know that my post or posts made you give mindfulness another shot. Wishing you well.

What is a game changer for me in terms of mindfulness is that - it is OK to have a preferred outcome in mind. I don't need to just observe. I can also intend. This changed everything for me. Maybe this is just the tip of an iceberg.

@Orbiter Thank you. Wishing you well.

I am liking the name Mindfulness++ better than Polarity Synthesis. So I'll stick with this for now.

Mindfulness++,

do this simultaneously, like a multi-core CPU.

I. Observe the "negative" like Lust, Anger, Loneliness or anything (in my understanding, this is what the "original" mindfulness is about - about observing, I could be wrong about this) (Past?)
I. Observe the "positive" even if it doesn't exist yet. like Healthy sexuality, Purity, Patience (the first +) (Future?)
I. Intend to Align with the positive (the second +) (Present?)

26 days hardmode, 40 days no P, It is not a struggle for me anymore to keep this up, now even when some heavy urges come, this mindfulness++ method hasn't failed me yet.

Wishing everyone well.

EW
 

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
Had a nocturnal emission, no dreams. I remember waking up and the bed felt a bit wet. Then rolled my eyes.

This is 18 days after the last wet dream (where I remember P dreams, but there was super little ejaculation).

I am not feeling much chaser at all. As usually after a wet dream I'd feel extra horny and most of the time ended up MOing.

I guess progress?

Have a great week everyone.

Much love
EW
 

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
Got very horny in the morning, ended up masturbating just a little bit but didn't go all the way. So it was just M, no O and no P. I'll keep the noFap counter going.

So far 45 days no P, 31 days no MO, 31 days no O.

Maybe women have it easier time quitting P and stuff, because they are more in touch with their body? I imagine menstruation makes them more mindful of their bodies.

I am shocked how much in my mind I am. The whole time today I made the intention to connect with my physical body and emotions. I want to be here...not out there (in P fantasy land). I have some work to do.

Also pretty shocking how little idea of healthy sexuality I have. I just know that P is not it. Maybe this is enough for now.

I tried to imagine like my heart being a giant magnet and just attracting all of the sexual energy from the lower body to the chest area.

Wishing everyone well

Much love
EW
 

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
I'll get there.

Mindfulness++ is working very good. If I haven't focused on what I want - healthy sexuality this would got a lot worse.

1. I accepted the P thoughts and urges, I didn't try to fight them. Paradoxically this gives me the personal power needed to make changes. I am getting a lot better at this. As my first reaction is trying to fight, block the P thoughts. When I allow and relax things get easier.
2. I am the owner of the P thoughts and urges, this is my responsibility. It is my fault things are the way there are...the up side is that in taking ownership and responsibility I also have the power to change it. I am coming to terms with this realization. I am the owner of P addiction and all related urges, thoughts and emotions.
3. Trust the process and have Faith in the outcome. This is where I am currently struggling. But I can say that I am slightly better today than I was yesterday so this is progress.

EW
 

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
Ended up MOing on P fantasy. Good. I still have things to learn.

I've made progress. I used to struggle with P daily then weekly, now monthly. It has been smooth sailing for a couple of weeks.

Horniness got me. Almost peeked. But stopped myself. Then got overloaded with wanting to feel pleasure.

With acceptance, responsibility, ownership, faith and trust. I can see this are the building blocks for a healing environment.

I need to start to work on discipline and diligence and also improve on faith and trust.

This is what is missing. Diligence and discipline. I have no doubts that Mindfulness++ would have worked should I focused more on wanting to align with healthy sexuality, but I chose pleasure instead.

I will get another chance soon. We get as many chances as needed until we get it right.

I'll put this on a wall.

17.6.2021 -> Diligence, Discipline, Trust and Faith.

EW
 

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
I am resetting my counter. I didn't PMO. I didn't MO.

I did end up watching some P. I got aroused. At the same time I am thinking...WTF, what is so attracting about this? Where is this coming from?

I just want pleasure. Also this is coming to my parents. They are/were both very "alpha" in a way. Very masculine principle based, not in touch with emotions, always in the doing never in the being.

My sexuality is I don't want to be in the doing I want to be in the being. It doesn't work that way. As P is just like. I want to let go but at the same time I want pleasure. This is what is preventing me from letting this go completely. This sense of pleasure.

Also noticed. This sexual please - lust, it also feels a bit like needing to pee. So maybe it is soo hard to stop once we start M because it is like needing to pee, you just have to do it.

I ended up Ming, but stopped myself before O.

I just want to understand more what is going on. I don't want this to be a struggle.

I am not doing hard mode. I am doing smart mode. With low to medium urges it is smooth sailing. With strong urges I now have to learn some more.

What is coming up is temperance, self-discipline, balance.

Control Passion To Alleviate Suffering.

I started a little bit of exercising. Time to learn discipline.

Much love everyone
EW
 

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
I came across this book, it has some religious overlays but some of the ideas are gold:

 

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
I am wondering. Can a single guy without a loving partner and pretty unloving infant/early childhood years clear all this sexual disfunction?

Yes. But this is playing the game on hard-mode. Good.

I guess I'll change hard mode to smart mode. Smart mode reboot.

I'll up my psychology game a little bit more as I am doing. I am also doing some multi-dimensional work that I don't write about as I feel like psychology is a good start already.

It all boils down to my perceptions and beliefs. How do I see myself. How do I see Ego. What do I believe. Sense of identity.

I came across this idea. That Anger is addicting because it masks fear. When you are in anger you are not feeling fear.

This made me think. Maybe Lust is about masking loneliness, disconnection. When we zone out with P. Go into the sub-space of P we are not feeling loneliness. Not feeling disconnection.

I'll meditate on this. This P addiction is proving to be a great teacher. Gets me to level up quite a lot. Clean up my childhood. Level up my psychology game. Also level up my multi-dimensional understanding of how the holographic universe works. Etc.

Can't complain. I got work to do.

Much love
EW
 
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Orbiter

Well-Known Member
I am wondering. Can a single guy without a loving partner and pretty unloving infant/early childhood years clear all this sexual disfunction?

Yes. But this is playing the game on hard-mode. Good.

I guess I'll change hard mode to smart mode. Smart mode reboot.

I'll up my psychology game a little bit more as I am doing. I am also doing some multi-dimensional work that I don't write about as I feel like psychology is a good start already.

It all boils down to my perceptions and beliefs. How do I see myself. How do I see Ego. What do I believe. Sense of identity.

I came across this idea. That Anger is addicting because it masks fear. When you are in anger you are not feeling fear.

This made me think. Maybe Lust is about masking loneliness, disconnection. When we zone out with P. Go into the sub-space of P we are not feeling loneliness. Not feeling disconnection.

I'll meditate on this. This P addiction is proving to be a great teacher. Gets me to level up quite a lot. Clean up my childhood. Level up my psychology game. Also level up my multi-dimensional understanding of how the holographic universe works. Etc.

Can't complain. I got work to do.

Much love
EW

Don't forget EarthWalker that connection doesn't necessarily have to mean connection with another person. It can mean many things and it's possible to feel deep, crushing loneliness with a life full of people, women, things, whatever. Seeking to fill the void with other people can lead to unhealthy co-dependencies & mental mechanisms that feed things like P addiction.

Skip to about 30:15 if you just want to get to the loneliness part but I found this talk goes much deeper into it than a lot of other things i've seen. Connection with others is important for us as human beings, but sometimes there is more to connection that just connecting with other people.


All food for though anyway right?

Keep up the great work!
 
D

Deleted member 17609

Guest
I am wondering. Can a single guy without a loving partner and pretty unloving infant/early childhood years clear all this sexual disfunction?

Yes. But this is playing the game on hard-mode. Good.

I guess I'll change hard mode to smart mode. Smart mode reboot.

I'll up my psychology game a little bit more as I am doing. I am also doing some multi-dimensional work that I don't write about as I feel like psychology is a good start already.

It all boils down to my perceptions and beliefs. How do I see myself. How do I see Ego. What do I believe. Sense of identity.

I came across this idea. That Anger is addicting because it masks fear. When you are in anger you are not feeling fear.

This made me think. Maybe Lust is about masking loneliness, disconnection. When we zone out with P. Go into the sub-space of P we are not feeling loneliness. Not feeling disconnection.

I'll meditate on this. This P addiction is proving to be a great teacher. Gets me to level up quite a lot. Clean up my childhood. Level up my psychology game. Also level up my multi-dimensional understanding of how the holographic universe works. Etc.

Can't complain. I got work to do.

Much love
EW
Hey man,

Been following your journal for a while, I enjoy reading you. You always come up with interesting thoughts about the process.

A quick word of advice: while it’s interesting to reflect on porn, addiction, sex and other subjects, we must not forget that rebooting isn’t theory, ideas or reflections. Rebooting is a very simple thing: staying away from porn, and ideally masturbation as well. Pure facts, which anybody can understand. I don’t want to sound too materialistic, I mean, I’m somewhat of a nerd myself and I like reading a lot. But with the reboot and all, I find that it’s best when I keep it simple. I like to think that if I avoid porn and masturbation long enough (weaken my compulsive and addictive patterns), and gradually get accustomed to healthy sex, then it will all be fine, things will be okay for me like they are for thousands of other successful rebooters. Keep it simple, man.

You’re doing good! Have a nice day, man.
 
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EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
Thank you Orbiter and Bilbo. Appreciate you guys and your feedback.

I'll take a look at video soon thank you for posting Orbiter.

I like bottom line facts as well Bilbo. This is why I like day counting and being accountable. But I don't want to do hard mode I want to do smart mode reboot. I view P and Rebooting as a symptom of an underlying dysfunction. Stuff like not getting enough attention in childhood from parents, absent parents -> problems with Self-Esteem, etc. So I find psychological work essential. Inner child healing etc. But this takes time.

But I am happy with the progress I have made. Now double digit abstinence comes easy for me. Also dealing with chaser etc. Like peeling an onion. I am coming soon to the roots wounds. Disconnection in the body. I'll write about it a bit later.

I've formally quit my job this week. A bit stressed out. I have some money saved up. But I am looking at career change for sure. Today is the last day I will be formally employed. I am official an unemployed guy starting tomorrow. I am not seeing myself in the career I have been at.

Unsurprisingly I relapsed today. I ended up watching P without masturbating to it. I was just wondering the whole time why is this arousing me? Then I ended up with a HFO to an vanilla-ish HFO erotic hypnosis audio file (it probably worked due to 44 day abstinence from ejaculation). I am not even mad.

I'll figure it out. Feeling a little overwhelmed and anxious. But this is to be expected. It will get better. Will get some nice rest and sleep.

So far June. It was actually pretty good month:

Lasted 44 days without ejaculating.

1x day where I masturbated briefly without ejaculating (middle of the month). Improved on self control.
2x days where I briefly watched P (20th and 28th June) - the stress about the job/career
1x PMO the "big" relapse today (30th June last day of the month)

I'll dive deeper into the root causes and work on my own personal psychology. I am working on what I call 3 Keys of Healing.

1. Acceptance
2. Ownership
3. Connection

1. I made a huge progress with P when I accepted P as part of me. P is valid. I cannot hide, run away or try to deny or suppress this. I accept it. In 80% of cases, just accepting P thoughts when they show up makes them go away really fast.
2. I change my perspective and beliefs to view all my thoughts and emotions as being owned by me and being run inside me. This is making me become more Self-Responsible. I am the one responsible for my life. Nobody is making me feel this this. I am doing this to myself.
3. Connection. This is hopefully what this relapse is teaching me. I feel so disconnected from my body. I can start by connecting with my breathing. So I will intent to connect with my breath. It is a start.

So my intent for July is for me to work on Connections. First connecting with my breath and connecting with my heart.

Wish everyone a good month of July!

EW
 

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
Thought to share this. By becoming more self-accepting, I noticed I find it easier to be accepting of other people and events. I am holding a grudge towards some person (for some past events, as this person is in leadership position, I expected a lot more professional handling of the situation). But I noticed by becoming more self-accepting about myself. This grudge is starting to lessen and like to be ready to fall off. Obviously healthy boundaries must be respected. But I find it I am becoming more accepting of others/events/places as I become more accepting about myself.

The universe is but a mirror of yourself?
 

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
I like this list: 16 Principles of Recovery

the last one got me thinking.
16. The process is habit-change, emotional healing is separate and can come later.

Why is it that we fall of the bandwagon so easily when it comes to habit change? Even after months of doing something. It is easy to slip back.

I'd say it is because of our belief and value system. If I don't value e.g. staying in shape. Then I can apply willpower to go trough a physical exercise program. But it is a chore to keep up. While if I change my beliefs and values to actually this be part of my values and beliefs. Then it is much easier to keep up with the habit.

Day 2. Smooth sailing. The chasers got nothing on me.

Wish everyone well
EW
 

Phineas 808

Respected Member
Thank you, EW, for linking to that short article. I note also in #8 that we should assess whether our urges are coming from a deeper emotional need, as opposed to just being physiological habituated urges.

I also answered you and Caravan on that thread.

Wishing you well in your journey!
 

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
I watched the video @Orbiter. Thanks for posting. It resonates. Again self-esteem comes up. I'll work on it.
I'm glad you got something out of it. I certainly found it helpful in being able to articulate & understand some of my own needs.

Keep up the great work EarthWalker. I'm sure you'll be back on track in no time.
 
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