Rebooting trough self-parenting

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
I've picked a rock, cleaned it, and writing some stuff on it that I've been carrying for a while now. Some resentment I am having hard time letting go. So I just wrote a couple of keywords on a rock. Every time this resentment comes up I just I just remember about the rock. The rock can carry this. I don't want to carry it anymore in myself. But this needs to be resolved. It is somewhat of a legal dispute. I'll see what my options are in the coming weeks as I'll be seeking some legal counsel. If nothing else hopefully will bring me some peace to know what my options are and to gain an extra perspective on the matter from a 3rd party. My perceptions and beliefs could be totally off and have misjudged the situation. In any case. Each time this comes up. The rock can carry this. I don't want to carry this anymore. Will see how it goes.

I've also been thinking...all the "spiritual" people one might "admire". Or lets just say people like the Stoics. Like Seneca, Marcus Aurelius, etc. What the trick with them is ... they didn't get all the money, all the women, all the health, all the happiness, etc. This is an illusion in a way.

What this guys had is a way to live contently with unmet needs with grace - in the moment - right here right now. So maybe this is the true art of living. Also guy that I respect quite a lot. Probably the most of Psychologists. Viktor Frankl. The guy who went trough quite literally a Concentration Camp. I cannot think of any more extreme mental torture than being in a quite literal WW2 concentration camp, maybe possible to create something even worse, but maybe we can all agree this would be the top .1% of most horrible experiences one can have...in any case. I'd say VF handled the situation with grace. So it is possible.

The same with authentic spiritual people. It is not like they can levitate or something. They just feel happy despite the external circumstances giving them every reason not to be.

“We suffer more in imagination than in reality.” – Seneca
“It does not matter what you bear, but how you bear it.”- Seneca

I am exploring this subjects now. I am focusing on Self-Love. As in a way I am the love that I seek.

Much love everyone
EW
 
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EarthWalker

Well-Known Member

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
Really liking the stone idea. I am feeling some relief.

Had a P "dream". Like I'd be browsing a P site in "dream" time. Luckily no NE. So it looks like it just stayed at browsing. A bit odd that I enjoyed it and felt drawn to it.

Odd that in waking time. I don't even feel drawn to watch P. Just a few days ago. There was some very arousing image on a cat meme website. It didn't trigger me at all. Yuck! No thank you.

A bit disappointed at myself for not having the same reaction to P in "dream" time.

Hope everyone is doing good.

Much love
EW
 

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
20 days since last O. Feeling the arousal/horniness energy build up a little bit. But this time around I'll do my best to accept it and let it go.

What is freedom? Limitless novelty, sex, sex toys, drugs, etc? Or the ability to say no thank you?

I'd say freedom is being able to say No thank you vs having an abundance of supply of something.

A few P thoughts came up. Will see how much I have learned and grown.

Wishing everyone well
EW
 
D

Deleted member 17609

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20 days since last O. Feeling the arousal/horniness energy build up a little bit. But this time around I'll do my best to accept it and let it go.

What is freedom? Limitless novelty, sex, sex toys, drugs, etc? Or the ability to say no thank you?

I'd say freedom is being able to say No thank you vs having an abundance of supply of something.

A few P thoughts came up. Will see how much I have learned and grown.

Wishing everyone well
EW
Hey man! I’m wondering, do you have any intentions regarding dating? You don’t seem to have bad ED, actually I don’t even remember if you have it. Do you meet women? Do you plan to meet girls at some point? You’ve been rebooting for a while, you’re probably ready for that. Especially if you feel some sexual energy inside of you, as you wrote in your last post.
 

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
Hey man! I’m wondering, do you have any intentions regarding dating? You don’t seem to have bad ED, actually I don’t even remember if you have it. Do you meet women? Do you plan to meet girls at some point? You’ve been rebooting for a while, you’re probably ready for that. Especially if you feel some sexual energy inside of you, as you wrote in your last post.
Hey man. Sorry took some time to reply. I've been thinking about this a while.

I am a bit of an extreme case. As I've never been in a relationship before or did any dating per se. I did got on a coffee date a few times. There was no "chemistry". I have no problem like talking to people just initating the conversation for sure.

In terms of ED. I feel like if it would come to that I would have it. Getting more in touch with my body. A break is definitely needed. Like Gabe mentioned it. Treat it as a broken bone.

So far 24 days in. For the most part smooth sailing. I got over the horniness, lust humps. Now back again in flatline. I'll give it time. I just need a long rest. So definitely looking forward for at least 90 days of just taking a break from all of this stuff.

Some female company I wouldn't mind. I was hoping to make some female friends and stuff at some events. Like going to some sport groups etc. But with this plandemic stuff. I am not too sold on going to the climbing gym or something like that.

Wow. I am really like quite literally doing monk mode. FML. Well it is what it is. Anyway. Appreciate the message bro. I'll just put the problem at the back burner.

Much love to you
EW
 

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
Progress...

Some P dreams started to happen but I just woke up before they could progress. Great! This is what I want. No P in dreams and also no P in real life.

Got pretty horny in the morning. But I am able to look Lust in the eyes and say no thank you.

Yes I'd love to feel sexual ecstasy and bliss...but not like this. No thank you. I am fine not experiencing sexual ecstasy and bliss for a while. This self-acceptance is awesome. Being honest with myself. What I want and what I don't want.

Also the problem is this.

I was always experiencing Orgasm - sexual ecstasy and bliss just trough my sexual organs. I wish to experience Orgasm trough my Heart center.

So in the morning when I got horny and got that buzzing energies in my sexual organs. I just visualized for this horniness energy to move to the heart. But the key was I was OK to let this go. I remained a witness to the process. I'd prefer if I'd feel more of this "horniness". I am not denying I am attracted to this stuff. Who wouldn't want to feel sexual ecstasy and be blissed out right? So I just intended for this energy to move up to the heart center. But let go of any expectations per see. And felt totally OK not to experience more of this bliss. I do not need this. I'd like it for sure. But I am OK letting this go. I didn't feel the sexual energy move up...but it did dissipate. Then I got up and started with my day.

P is a great teacher. Levelling up. Yes! I can let go of lust! I don't need it! Obviously this is a process. I am not fully there. But this is a major improvement.
 

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
One meditation that is standing out from all others is this meditation. Basically I just focus on connecting with the heart. It is totally OP.

I have a hard time trusting anything. This is why I started to work on Self-Trust.

I noticed when I started to become more Self-Accepting. I noticed automatically without focusing on it I am finding it easier to accept others. By just focusing on accepting myself! How crazy is this! Totally counter intuitive for my human mind! Ha.

Then I thought. I always wanted for the outer world to show me some signs that it is a safe place. That I can trust the outer world....Good luck with this... I thought if Self-Acceptance worked in "reverse" to my mindset. Maybe trust is the same way?

So now I am working on Self-Trust. Do I trust myself that I will wake up tomorrow? Yes! Do I trust myself that I will be able to put a roof over my head? Yes! Do I trust myself that I will put food on my table? Yes. Do I trust myself that I will find some new friends (physical haha, enough with the Zoom stuff) sometime in the future? Yes. Do I trust myself that I will eventually get myself in better physical shape? Yes! I can do this!

So now I am hoping that self-trust will manifest in finding trust in the outer as well. But I am just focusing on trusting myself.

This are the 4 steps that are doing wonders for me.

1. Radical Self-Acceptance
2. Radical Self-Ownership, all my thoughts and emotions are mine. I do not want to own my anger. But I am the owner of it. So I'll do something about it. Self-Acceptance + Self-Ownership = Self-Responsibility
3. Radical Self-Connection. Living alone? All my friends have families and spend their time with their kids and spouses? Good for them. I can start by connecting with my heart. Connecting with my breath. But connecting with the hearth is totally OP - any other meditations I did don't come even close to this.
4. Radical Self-Trust. I can count on myself.

I started to write a book around this stuff.

Day 29. Smooth sailing or maybe I just levelled up as a sailor?

Much love to everyone
EW
 

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
Came across at an anti-porn video from 1960s on archive.org while looking up a greek history book.

I've posted the link here without fully watching the movie. Half way they start showing up actual content of erotic magazines from 1960s.

I deleted the link. Porn is still porn even if it is from anti-porn video. They feature too much pornographic images for my taste. I view it as a test for me to see how well I will handle the triggers. I am just like GTFO back to 1960s and stay there.

Pretty surprised how little has changed in principle in ~60 years. It also talks about fetishes. Mentions bestiality, transvestites, bdsm stuff. We think we are soo advanced in 2020. But same stuff was going on in 1960s probably would go for 1960 BC as well. We just now get to see it on the screen. I am not diminishing the effects of high speed internet porn. But pretty surprised how we just have the same problem or idea just expressing itself trough a different medium (internet).

Internet is like a force amplifer/multiplier. It can really amplify some good and bad stuff.

Wish everyone well
EW
 
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EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
Also came across this. Never get tired of watching this videos.


Our very life depends on everything’s
Recurring till we answer from within.
The thousandth time may prove the charm.
 

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
Month of July complete.

In short it looks like my inner work is paying off.

In terms of pornography on screen for July:
9th July visit of P site (to delete account)
31th July the 1960s anti-porn video contained P from magazines from 1960s.
attractive girls on FB show up in friend recommendations

In terms of incidents:

  • there was the July 9th going to the P site to delete account, I wrote about it in a few posts
  • there was one time I got very horny but was able to look the Spirit of Lust in the Eyes and say no thank you. While I'd like sexual ecstasy and bliss I am fine NOT experiencing this for a while until I do it right with a partner I love. Until this happens my sexual energy belongs to me and I intend to connect my sexual energy with my heart. Any orgasming I'll do in the future I want to do it trough my heart not trough my genitalia. Thank you for the lessons now please leave.
  • there was one time in the beginning of the month of mid way, not sure, but I clicked on FB profile of a attractive girl (I am very low-key on FB just to keep in touch with a few people I know, I don't post anything, just see what is happening with some groups). After a few seconds I remembered what is going on and stopped.

Now a few days ago the same thing happened a very attractive girl showed up in friends recommendations (that I don't know and have 0 common friends). I just momentarily paused and said GTFO and moved on. Speaking of which. In summer time, lots of very fit and attractive girls in very minimal clothing running around. I am not now able to just acknowledge this and let it go. Not for me to engage further with this.

Looks like I am walking the walk. Now let's see about August. I am 32 days in noFap. I will be tested again. But seriously this inner work. Dealing with my traumas. Now I began with inner child healing stuff. This is gold. P is just falling off like leaves of a tree.

Wishing everyone a great month of August.
Much love everyone.

EW
 
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EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
Still find this very relevant.


Came across this two quotes. Thought to share them.

If you stay positive in a negative situation, you win.
Your life is your message to the world. Make it inspiring.


About dealing with horniness. My approach now is to do a heart centered meditation. Yeah, you cannot sell a 700 page book on this. Basically just focus on your chest area and intend to connect with the heart. Simple as pie but I find this super powerful.

Much love
EW
 

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
Had a P dream. I remember like a screen with a bunch of thumbnails of fetish P clips. None of the videos played. Just thumbnail previews of a bunch of them. I remember getting extremely horny. Then I remember I intended not to engage with this horniness then I woke up.

I was 80% hard but had 0% horniness. Like in an instant one moment in P dream full of lust the next 0% horniness. Thinking just a tad on the movies made me a little horny. I snapped out of this.

What looks to be working for me.

I want sexual ecstasy and bliss but I don't need it. I am fine not experiencing orgasm for a while.
The only way I want to experience orgasm is trough my heart and not trough my genitalia.
If the heart is not involved no thank you.

I find this is making a big change in how I am able to go trough all the temptation of quick fix which is not really a fix. All this bliss from P is with a whole lot of strings attached. With will mess up your life big time strings attached. To all of this I say.

No, thank you.

While I have no idea how a healthy heart centered looks like. I am fine not experiencing sexual bliss and ecstasy for a while.

A bit of philosophy:

I am the center of my universe. I am a mini universe part of a larger universe.

Wish everyone well
EW
 

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
On expectations:

I remember someone saying to me. You don't know how to receive.

This made a big impression on me. There is a whole lot truth to this.

I feel like expectations play quite significantly into this. It is like a mould we place on top of reality. Then when reality doesn't fit it. There are problems.

Now I changed my perceptions around this. It is a lot easier to receive something in a positive light if I don't burden this with my maladaptive belief system.

I want to receive _____ on my own unrealistic terms based on my perceptions, beliefs and values that are laced with trauma.

Now I view expectations more like a general direction. I'd like this to happen. If it doesn't then it is ok as well. This is the direction I wish to sail in.

On identity:
Identity is a big thing. As we identify I'd say a lot with our doing-ness. It is also possible to identify with being-ness. I am that I am. I am already complete. I am already everything that I am looking for. I am what I am looking for. Here, now. All the love that ever existed is here now. The problem is that there is so much garbage pilled up inside me I don't feel it.

Love is not a destination it is a state of being.

So in order to heal, in principle it is very simple, we just have to:
Take out the trash from our minds.
Take out the trash from our hearts.

Reminds me the story of the Clay Buddha.


The golden buddha is us. The clay is all the garbage that was put on top of us. Some by others, parents, society, etc and some by us. By us a whole lot gets to do with it as a maladaptive coping strategy to all the trauma and unmet needs. It feels a lot easier and less traumatic to be angry than to be in fear. It is a lot easier to focus on our career than to focus on healing our emotional wounds and building healthy relationships. Etc. But I see it now, it is possible to remove the clay albeit it takes a whole lot of effort. It does get easier. Then we shine as the golden buddha. Just uncovering little bits of the clay makes a huuuuge difference.

It is my belief that the invading army would not dare to touch the golden buddha statue. It was the fear of the monks (subconscious) that made them put on the clay. They this voluntarily.

Fear is a liar. We are one with God and God is one with us. This is true here and now.

Take what resonates and scroll past for what it doesn't.

Much love
EW
 

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
37 days in. Wet dream. I remember it was a vanilla scene. Just this single scene. Total time maybe 5 seconds. Good super horny bam. Maybe if it were fetish scene or like a still image I could have resisted better? Feeling super drained today.

Decided to go for a walk first thing in the morning before checking any electronics.

EW
 

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
Some urges hit me like a truck. But I managed. Also tried a few different approaches with mindfulness. I need to test some more before I'll write about it.

P and M can take a backseat. I am in the drivers seat now.

Hope you guys are sailing well, pretty rough seas today at least for me. Now they have calmed down.
EW
 

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
Some urges hit me like a truck. But I managed. Also tried a few different approaches with mindfulness. I need to test some more before I'll write about it.

P and M can take a backseat. I am in the drivers seat now.

Hope you guys are sailing well, pretty rough seas today at least for me. Now they have calmed down.
EW

Sounds like some kind of mental chaser from the wet dream. Stay strong and i'm sure in a few days (or even less) you'll be doing even better than before. Keep that mindfulness and don't forget this is all temporary.

Good luck, stay strong EarthwWalker! You're in control now, you've got this.
 

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
Day 43. Doing fine. Some P thoughts here and there but not a big deal. I don't want this. I don't need this. No thank you.

I am allowing myself some junk food (ice cream, etc). According to that video of the timeline this is where the dopamine circuits actually start to change. Maybe this is why I am feeling like hung over for a while. Day 50 is where dopamine starts to rise.

I am just keeping it chill. Relaxing and sleeping a lot.

Wishing everyone well.

Sorry to see some of the brothers relapsing. I am hopeful that we are getting better in general. Figuring out what works. And seriously therapy or self-study psychology or both or something like that. I wouldn't be cruising this time around if not for my self-psychology work and seeing someone 1x per week.

Much love
EW
 

zackergeet

Active Member
Day 43. Doing fine. Some P thoughts here and there but not a big deal. I don't want this. I don't need this. No thank you.

I am allowing myself some junk food (ice cream, etc). According to that video of the timeline this is where the dopamine circuits actually start to change. Maybe this is why I am feeling like hung over for a while. Day 50 is where dopamine starts to rise.

I am just keeping it chill. Relaxing and sleeping a lot.

Wishing everyone well.

Sorry to see some of the brothers relapsing. I am hopeful that we are getting better in general. Figuring out what works. And seriously therapy or self-study psychology or both or something like that. I wouldn't be cruising this time around if not for my self-psychology work and seeing someone 1x per week.

Much love
EW
Congrats in day 43 man you are doing fantastic. I am following your steps day 32 here, I was hitting hard the gym almost everyday but I have allowed myself to get some junk food (much better than P) we can quit this!
 
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