Rebooting trough self-parenting

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
Thank you guys for the support appreciate it. Currently I am feeling very tired and am sleeping a lot.

Some urges hit me like a truck a while after posting. I was able to sail trough this. It was a bit of a struggle but I managed. Whenever this sweet entice of the O energy shows up this is where I fall.

What helped a great deal is to focus on my chest area. I just intended to connect with my soul essence. Also visualized this soul essence to be like a ball of energy that sucks (pun intended) the sexual energy like a magnet to the chest area. Anyway. Don't really know what I am doing exactly. But definitely feel like the key is to open the heart area to balance the sexual energies.

So far I am pretty much dead down there. Flatline as expected. But then some urges hit and it is alive down there ... but it feels very artificial stimulation to me from P. If there was a real life girl I doubt things would be alive down there. Definitely feel like some more rest is a good idea.

Wish everyone a good rest of the week.

Much love
EW
 

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
Thank you guys for the support appreciate it. Currently I am feeling very tired and am sleeping a lot.

Some urges hit me like a truck a while after posting. I was able to sail trough this. It was a bit of a struggle but I managed. Whenever this sweet entice of the O energy shows up this is where I fall.

What helped a great deal is to focus on my chest area. I just intended to connect with my soul essence. Also visualized this soul essence to be like a ball of energy that sucks (pun intended) the sexual energy like a magnet to the chest area. Anyway. Don't really know what I am doing exactly. But definitely feel like the key is to open the heart area to balance the sexual energies.

So far I am pretty much dead down there. Flatline as expected. But then some urges hit and it is alive down there ... but it feels very artificial stimulation to me from P. If there was a real life girl I doubt things would be alive down there. Definitely feel like some more rest is a good idea.

Wish everyone a good rest of the week.

Much love
EW

You're doing great EarthWalker! Just ring it back to basics, focus on your breathing & energy visualisation and i'm sure it will pass without incident. I feel you already know this though.

I'm impressed at how good you have become at recognising and managing your thoughts & emotions, particularly over the recent few months.

Keep up the great work!
 

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
Thank you brother.

I guess I am becoming a better sailor. The urges. Mindfulness works for me but not in the form that is taught in the main stream.

What I am noticing is

1. Need to add the concept of identity. I am observing this without judgement, etc but as who? If I identify as a depressed looser that is observing my depression....then this mindfulness is not going to work very well...

This is why this heart centered meditation is gold. I just focus on my chest area and imagine like a Star (like a Sun) there to be representing my soul essence. This is a better representation of my true self.

2. Active and passive. What I started to work on with polarity synthesis. There is the both the observing part and the moving towards active part. I wish to observe the urges and P addiction stuff yet simultaneously I wish to be moving toward healthy sexuality.

I guess sailing is a great example. You both chill out and observe when the sails and rudder are in check but you are also active from time to time to make sure the sails and rudder are in check.

...
when I get more the hang of this I'll be able to offer better explanations.

Also today. Again in the morning some urges came up and some P fantasies. What I started to do is. Wow. Basically I am re-inventing alchemy.

There is this phase of separation. This sexual horniness, lust, this is my repackaged sexual energy (that belongs to me) that is very much part of an authentic human being. There is nothing inherently wrong with it.

But what happened is that when I masturbated to pornography there is this mind control and my sexual energies got enmeshed with the porn mind control system.

In meditation I can intent to return to rightful owner my sexual energies, dissolve contracts made with the mind control system then just observe the process.

What is mine and what is not mine?

Separating between mind control and authentic sexual energies that belong to me.

What happens with P. It is an enmeshment of my own energies and P mind control. I started to work on what is mine and what is not mine.

Going to be interesting end of summer. Looks like alchemy found me.

For me everything changed with self-acceptance. This could be referred to as confession. I confess to my sins. This is actually very liberating. I confess them to myself. The way our justice system is set up is totally wrong. Like if you confess to something you get punished. Instead an individualized treatment program should be set up. But we don't have to wait for the society to catch up. We can already to this with our inner world.

Now the 2nd major breaktrough is by focusing on self-connection. I just meditate on connecting with my heart (not the physical but the "spiritual" heart) and this is shifting how this lust works. I am starting to see some glimpses of what is mine and what is not mine.

Wishing everyone well.
EW
 

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
I consider myself a very smart guy. But I am also a very lazy guy. This is my weakness. In my view this is why I relapsed today.

Boat capsized on Day 45. Relapse. Will do better next time. Reset and try again.

I choose the comfort way instead of the hard work way.

Some urges hit me today like a truck. I meditated on lust. But then I dropped the ball and enjoyed lust more than doing what is right. But I did gain some more insight on this. Alchemy. About how energy works etc.

This pleasure from P is hard to ignore. It just feels so good? Am I suppose to deny myself this pleasure?yes and no.

I still feel strongly that the solution is with heart connection. But this takes diligence.

Bottom line is this:

I cannot waltz around this thing without becoming more diligent. This means a daily meditation practice that I am consistent around and also adding some breathing practice etc. Mental discipline. Also need to start and doing something about physical health. I am a bit out of shape.

But progress not the less. With my current understanding of mindfulness and psychology I can sail comfortably in 80-90% of the cases. But then when truckloads of urges hit me with this lust/horniness/feel good in the groin area you know what I mean. That extra edge I believe is missing with the lack of diligence and discipline.

Much love
EW
 

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
"If you want to find the secrets of the universe, think in terms of energy, frequency and vibration." Nikola Tesla

One way to look at it.

Energy = Attention
Frequency = computer code
Vibration = the actual running computer code (energy + frequency)

Maybe this is the reason why it is so hard to get out of "autopilot" mode as we vibrate in the frequency of lust i.e. put our energy into lust frequency. Then to disrupt this is very hard.

I'll figure it out. I am just getting started. Also alchemy is coming up for me. It should be possible to somehow apply alchemical principles to shift this vibration around. Or alternatively we need to introduce another energy + frequency in the field.

I'll figure it out. I am all-in.

Much love
EW
 

Wolfman

Active Member
Discipline is all well and good, but I find that most of us aren't ascetics and nor should we want to be. Our discipline should be a means to realizing ourselves in the world. What are the ways you realize who you are, EW? Do you produce art and share it with others? Do you run a business? Are you cultivating a skill or a hobby that engages other people? Porn is really good at making us (especially the monkey brain part) feel as if we're achieving the world when precisely we're just in our heads. Like a brain in the vat. A brain in the vat can also be very smart, but smart like a computer, slavishly following its prescribed code. Don't be smart, be intelligent EW! Rebel! Rebel against pleasure, convenience and comfort, try something entirely new, put yourself out there!

You've got the strength and courage if you chose it, EW. We're with you.
 

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
Discipline is all well and good, but I find that most of us aren't ascetics and nor should we want to be. Our discipline should be a means to realizing ourselves in the world. What are the ways you realize who you are, EW? Do you produce art and share it with others? Do you run a business? Are you cultivating a skill or a hobby that engages other people? Porn is really good at making us (especially the monkey brain part) feel as if we're achieving the world when precisely we're just in our heads. Like a brain in the vat. A brain in the vat can also be very smart, but smart like a computer, slavishly following its prescribed code. Don't be smart, be intelligent EW! Rebel! Rebel against pleasure, convenience and comfort, try something entirely new, put yourself out there!

You've got the strength and courage if you chose it, EW. We're with you.
Thank you Wolfman. You are the man! This resonates quite a lot. I printed it on A4 and put in on the wall.

Much love
EW
 

Phineas 808

Respected Member
Some energies are meant to simply be observed, and dismissed. Sexual energies are such that they work well and are powerful within human-to-human relationship (think 'tantric'). Otherwise, observe it, and let it go with love and nonjudgment.

Alchemy, transmuting lead (sex or porn addiction) into gold (our true self) is through mercury, or some like medium. Mercury (as in the metal) is highly toxic and difficult to work with. As a metaphor, the mediums through which lead can be tranmuted (sulphur, mercury) will be caustic or toxic in and of itself to work with...

Again, the approach is in non-handling, indirect, and mindful. An example is in the beauty we experience in the world, or even in cyber-space (albeit unreal), what do we do with it? Take it as so many cues to act out? Lead. Or, see them as opportunities to transmute ourselves as mercurial, taking them, not so as to conquer them, but to see them as catalysts toward change? Lead to gold. As Viktor E. Frankl said,

Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.

Our mercury is then that space in between stimulus (cues and their urges) and our response. This is something that we don't have to directly handle, fight or feed, just observe nonjudgmentally, as we breathe through them. Repeated, we change our habits.

Wishing you success, EW!
 

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
Thank you Phineas. This are great points. I'll put it on the wall as well.

I was playing with poison. In principle I approached this not from a place of wholeness but from a place of lack. Like I need this. I will separate the bad from the urges and just go with the feel good feelings. It doesn't quite work that way.

Much love
EW
 

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom. ― Viktor Frankl

To add to this in this space we can identify as lack or wholeness. I am starting to understand this. What I mentioned with the identity not being an integral part of mindfulness practice.

You are Loved.
You are Loved.
You are Loved.

You are Love.
You are Love.
You are Love.
Our energetic support is behind us this is why we cannot see it. But we can try to feel it in our heart.

I have a test right away since the horniness/lust energy is still here as I didn't PMO very hard it didn't left me drained but wanting for more.

Much love
EW
 

yogi

Active Member
EW you are developing a deep understanding of the concept of the inner self.

I suggest you read the book " The Power of the Subconscious Mind" by Dr Joseph Murphy.
Also listen to some really practical advice given by guys like Robin Sharma (on how to excel in life and break free from a rut)

Very often "sacrificing" pleasure and comfort turns out to be the wrong perspective. It paradoxically means the meditation/ self-transformation is some sort of painful process, which it need not be. What you might need is a shift in perspective, about how you view the concept of pleasure.
 

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
Thank you Yogi. Will also print it and put in on the wall.

You raise a great point. Concept of pleasure.

Much love
EW
 

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
Just a quick overview of what I am working on regarding to P. I'll post some more at some other time.

I don't wish to fight. Let me say it different. I am not going to fight P. I am going to go all the way with this thinking.

I am you and you are me. Porn is me as is everything else.


I am going to accept P as a valid part of the one-mind. It is a process and there are levels to acceptance. I started on this when I started to post about self-acceptance.

I watched some more P but I just fully relaxed, I am going to do this with acceptance, allow for the P experience.

In few weeks I will see if this paid off or was I just lying to myself. I feel much more relaxed about P now. I don't wish to view P as the enemy. It just is. It gave me a series of experiences.

I wish to remove the strong emotional bond towards P. Seeing it as the enemy or any extra resistance is in my view only enmeshing the emotional bond more.

I wish to view P from neutrality when and if the P thoughts come up. I don't wish to get all emotional when some triggering scenes come up in real life e.g. seeing an arousing Ad at the side of the street, internet Ad on youtube, etc.

I find it a relief to look at everything that happens to me as an experience that I chose to give to myself.

What I started to work on now is becoming Self-Directed. I need a strong compass in my life.

The sailboat example I find it a good one. Without a good compass how do I know what true north is? When the lust hits, my compass gets haywire spinning around and I fallback to my habits.

This is where mental disciple comes in to stabilize the compass and sail true. I love what Wolfman said paraphrasing about discipline it is not an end goal but just something to help you become who you are. Totally.

So far today is a clean day. Some thoughts came up but I accepted them with as much neutrality as possible and asserted my compass. This compass aspect is just a different perspective on what I came up with polarity synthesis where you have both the P aspect and the new aspect in mind at the same time. Just that...

I can picture myself doing the PMO or watching P. But I have no idea how healthy sexuality looks like....so this is a very clouded image, so I have a hard time having image of me PMO and having an image of healthy sexuality at the same time. As the healthy sexuality images is very unclear.

So now with the compass idea, I don't have to have a clear image of an end goal in mind. As I don't really have a clear image of how a healthy relationship looks like clearly. I have some vague ideas.

So maybe when the urges hit, instead of trying to picture some healthy outcome, I can focus on sailing in the true north authentic direction.

I'll try it. This is awesome. The best alchemy lab in the world. My body and porn addiction.

I find just observation/acceptance/relaxation helpful if the sexual lust energy is low to including medium strong. But for really strong urges what I am find out is that I need something extra, something active, something to go towards as just observation capsizes the ship. Or alternatively my observation skills aren't up to level and I need to double down on observation.

So the updated model:

Low to Medium urges: Observation
Strong urges: Observation + Assert at the same time as observing (concurrently, like a multi-core CPU) compass direction

Will see how it goes. Here we go again. Ship re-floated. Back sailing.

A bump in the middle of August, hope I learned from this, if not will try again until I get it.

14.8, PO
16.8, PO
17.8, PO (watched P but got so aroused that I Oed just from mental stimulation, what is interesting I don't feel drained physically, but this is not something I feel like exploring further)

Day 2.

I will observe and I will work on my compass.

Much love everyone
EW
 

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
Mental and Emotional Friction, Looping, Triggers.

With inner work we substantially decrease mental and emotional friction thus energy can flow more easily.

At the same time willpower and discipline is needed to direct the flow of energy.
---
Fighting with anything is fighting with myself as everything is an aspect of the One-Mind.

EW
 

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
Relapsed yet again. Not even mad. It was a different experience once more.

Watched some P with acceptance without expectations. Mindfully. Didn't even felt that aroused. Interesting. Without this mental and emotional resistance. I shouldn't watch P, etc. P has less power. It is not as emotionally intense of an experience. P just is.

On the positive. What I feel like some of us are wondering about fetish stuff. Does fetish P go away? I can confidently say yes.

I had fetish A with me since teens and fetish B with me since late teens. I've PMOed almost daily to this fetish A for probably like 10+ years, and fetish B probably also like 10+ years.

In this week each time I viewed P. It did feel like watching this kind of P at all. Also when it poped up in the recommended section. I got repulsed by it. Like Yuck! This is specially apparent by fetish A. Yuck big time! Fetish B I am just slightly repulsed. Even not long ago, if I saw an attractive girl I'd put her in this fetish B fantasy. Not anymore.

So on the good side. Fetish P started to become Yuck to me. Watched a little of vanilla. Then just MOed to PIV fantasy.

So I guess my work is paying off. I'll get back on the horse when I am ready. I don't want this to be a struggle.

Wish you guys well
EW
 

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
I am able to clear some of the emotional trauma related to my bio father. He was like an emotional black hole of a guy.

I view my P addiction as a symptom of bad parenting between birth and 6 years old. This is where my parents dropped the ball big time. They were absent, fighting each other, I'd say even negligent, not much love between them, if it was it was conditional. You do A I give you B. This is not love. They got better later but 0 to 6 years is the most critical time, 7-12 is second most critical. This is not so much about blame as finding the problem and solving it.

What the title of my journal is rebooting trough self-parenting.

I recently came across this concept of viewing parents as stewards for the inner child until age 21. This makes a whole lot sense to me. They steward me until 18-21.

Not the best stewarding for sure. But now I shifted my perceptions and it is not about fighting but integration. Everything is a valid expression of the all-that-is. I am finding layers to self-acceptance. The more I can accept the more I can take ownership and let things go.

Will see if I'll go further this time around. I relapsed at day 45. Then a bit of stumbling around. Now going at it again. It is day 5.

Wish everyone a good day
EW
 

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
In terms of psychology techniques. This looks to be working nicely.

And then what!? As it says, I just ask this question again and again when some P stuff comes up.

Act as if. Instead of feeling lack and feeling like I need A to happen/have in order to feel B. I can choose to believe I already feel B. Something like that.
 

DavS

Active Member
Reparenting is brilliant. I often talk to myself as a good father, calling myself “son”.
 

46and2

Active Member
I really admire how deep you're looking inward brother; that kind of self examination takes courage and bravery and brings you closer to the core you I've no doubt. Congratulations on continuing on your journey!
 
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