Rebooting trough self-parenting

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
19th September. This marks 1calendar month of hard mode. My last relapse was on 19th August.

Day 32 hardmode. It feels good to rest the "bone". I remember Gabe saying (paraphrasing) that you should treat it at least for a period as a broken bone.

So far in September

10th - NE, Wet dreams
13th - P dream but resisted, no NE

Other-wize pretty much smooth sailing with occasional tests such as.
A few days ago I came across a meme that included some fetish P as a means of political critique and also get a slight rush from just seeing some meme of a 90s actress. But this is fake "rush" an artificial overlay. My true sexuality needs a rest.

Some P scenes are coming up occasionally. It is relatively easy to deal with it.

Urge surfing works. But it takes practice. Definitely worth it.

The more emotional trauma I clear the easier and easier it is staying away from P. It looks like this is the recipe for clearing P addiction.

For day to day dealing with triggers - Urge surfing really works.
For more in depth healing - psychological clearing, meditation, prayer and also multi-dimensional clearing work is what does a big differences.

Wish everyone happy sailing trough the rest of September.
EW
 

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
Felt like posting this, if it resonates good, if not good as well - please just scroll past this.


EW
 
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EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
20th September - NE, Wet dream. I remember like someone showing me images of P in "dream". My consciousness level was very toned down, I had like maybe 1-5% of my "true" self present. I guess subconscious programming took over. As I didn't resist the temptation to feel pleasure. I also remember ejaculating in the "dream" time.

While in 3D I find it relatively easy now to sail true or surf the waves. In "dream" time (4D). There are still parts of me that subconsciously like the pleasure from P.

Case in point. I was able to urge surf this intense loneliness. I was able to be 100% in observer mode.

With P stuff and sexual urges. I am like 95% in observer mode, there is this 5% that would like to engage with it. I am still holding on.

Since there is a chaser present. I'd say it is for now like medium grade chaser. I'll get to see if I can be 100% in observer. Let go of the need to feel pleasure.

As I look into masturbation. Why would I want to MO or PMO for that matter? What is my intention, what is the reason why I am engaging.

1) To feel pleasure.
2) To cope with trauma

In terms of connecting with myself. I don't need to MO to connect with my heart.
In terms of connecting with a partner (I am single). I imagine pleasure comes as a side-effect of genuine connection and is not the goal.

So I hope I am getting somewhere with this. This P addiction is like spaghetti. I am un-tangling the spaghetti.

There is the aspect of a coping mechanism to all the trauma (both in the lifetime, previous lifetimes, collective, etc). I am seeing quite substantial progress here. 1) My self-psychology work, 2) seeing someone 1x per week 3) doing some multi-dimensional healing work.

Then now I am seeing is this aspect also of pleasure. I'd say our physical bodies and also our spiritual bodies were designed to exist in a perpetual state of bliss. Now this bliss isn't as intense as PMO. PMO is like this bliss toned up all the way to 11. This genuine bliss is a lot more subtle but unimaginably more meaningful. It is non-addictive.

My comparison would be some cheap sugar filled chocolate vs some high end high cocoa content dark chocolate. I have a few pieces of that I am all good. With the cheap sugar chocolate there is never enough. Something like that.

Where am I going with this. It looks like I'll now focus on trying to let go of the need to feel pleasure. Be 100% in observer mode when the urges/scenes come up.

In 3D getting this observer mode even like 80% or even 60% might be enough to successfully urge surf. For the astral 4d dream time, the bar is set higher.

I am grateful for this experience. I started to look at this as the ultimate self-mastery university.

Wishing everyone a good start of the week, have a great week everyone.

Surfs up and sail true.

Much love
EW
 
I've had dreams like those too. I would wake up right after them with massive urges and being pushed really hard to check out porn on autopilot. It's very annoying. It's that moment when I just woke up and I'm not fully aware yet. I also have a long history of edging in the morning right after waking up and the subconscious wants to take over. I usually catch myself and stop but the chaser effect after that is crazy.
 

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
NE today. Don't even remember it good. Just remember waking up some time later after the fact to a mess.

So far in September

10th September - NE, P in dream overwhelmed me in seconds to a point of ejaculating in dreams and woke up immediately after that
13th September - P dreams, resisted, woke myself up half way in the dreamtime PMO cycle.
20th September - NE, remember someone showing me P images in dream, also remember ejaculating in the dream time, woke up immediately after ejaculating in dreams.
22th September - NE, don't remember much, woke up somewhat shortly later after ejaculating, maybe it was minutes or something like half an hour? Not sure.

other than that hardmode is going well.

Some urges and P scenes come up from time to time. But I am starting to get better in being in observer mode.

I kinda prefer the sailboat metaphor better than surfing. But either do well.

Like with the sailboat. You set your sails, orient on the compass, then you need to surrender to the process and just observe. The more I am connecting with my heart center the more my trust in the process is slowly rebuilding.

I am seeing now for urge surfing to work, 100% observer mode is the key, letting go of the need to feel pleasure and just observe.

I noticed depending on the degree of arousal and sexual energy buildup the observer mode doesn't need to be perfect. With low arousal even being somewhat in observer mode and still having just a bit of an attachment to the pleasure from P is enough to sail trough the small storm. For bigger arousal and bigger storms the bar is raised.

So this is what is coming up from me in regards to P. The subconscious desire to feel the pleasure from P. When I will able to let this fully go then I will be able to be 100% in observer mode.

This is not coming from a place of denial. I am not actively trying to deny the pleasure. Like I shouldn't feel aroused. We need to feel in order to heal. We need to feel in general. Feeling is good. I am just intending to let go of the need to feel this pleasure. To be enmeshed with this. To have an attachment to this. Like when a P scene comes up this subconscious desire to feel more pleasure from this. This I am going to observe and intend to let go of this need.

Retrain my beliefs and perceptions. I want to get pleasure from meaningful connection with a partner. I want to get pleasure from a meaningful connection with my heart. I don't want to get pleasure from P for myriad of reasons. One very obvious reason it comes with a huge price tag that we all know. Anyway. Will refine my thoughts as I continue on this journey of self-mastery.

Wishing everyone well,

Sail true brothers and surfs up!

EW
 

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
Some more musings.

Arousal is natural. We are meant to be aroused. This is good. But as with everything. Everything has its place. Balance and moderation. Right use. For example it is natural to be aroused by our partner. This is good. Being aroused by some "random" girl...can't help but wonder if lust is involved.

Lust is not natural. Lust is I'd say artificial and inorganic to healthy human expression. It goes both ways. Women get lustful as well.

Lust and arousal get mixed together and cause problems.

EW
 

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
Some good insights here. The musings on the difference between 'lust' and 'arousal' interest me a lot and give some food for thought regarding natural & artificial stimuli and/or/behavour.

The road you're traveling clearly continues to reap reward EarthWalker. Keep up the great work!
 

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
I am feeling very sad today. But this is actually good.

We need to feel in order to heal. This includes feeling negative emotions. The alternative is to keep them bottled up and suppressed in the subconscious and put the lid of P on top.

Wish each and every one here much love
EW
 

Gigili

Member
I am feeling very sad today. But this is actually good.

We need to feel in order to heal. This includes feeling negative emotions. The alternative is to keep them bottled up and suppressed in the subconscious and put the lid of P on top.

Wish each and every one here much love
EW
Hello EarthWalker,

I hear this a lot that we should feel the negative feelings but I don't know why or how. I thought when we feel sad we should do something (not P) to change our mood, like for example walk outside, take a cold shower, etc.

I feel sad and down a lot these days. And I don't know how long these feelings will last and when we will start feeling better, I mean what is the timeline for that.
 

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
I hear this a lot that we should feel the negative feelings but I don't know why or how. I thought when we feel sad we should do something (not P) to change our mood, like for example walk outside, take a cold shower, etc.

I feel sad and down a lot these days. And I don't know how long these feelings will last and when we will start feeling better, I mean what is the timeline for that.
Hi, Gigili.

In terms of feelings, I'd say we can put them at least in 2 groups.

1) The feelings we have that are a result of something immediate and don't cause us any emotional wounding or soul fragmentation. E.g. having a bad day at work or something like that. Here i'd say it is very helpful to go outside, play, take a cold shower, etc. Change our frequency and vibration. Shake it off. We can let this go.

2) The feelings we have stored up that are a result of abuse, shock, trauma and devastation. This are emotional wounds. E.g. our intimate partner that we trusted has an affair. Or when we as a teen our parent died. This is very emotionally traumatizing. I am picking some extreme cases to make a point. There is a full spectrum of this. Also some of the emotional wounds and fragments can be carried from past lives. This is not something we can just shake it off and let go - at least not in the majority of cases.

In case of the 2nd where we are dealing with emotional wounds/fragments. This is not something to shake off. So in this case going for a walk, cold shower is helpful as a preparation for us to face this.

How to feel? Intend it. I want to feel my emotions. This is it and stick with it. Things will change. Maybe not right away or the way we want but they will change.

For something like 3 months I am focusing on my heart center. It was just like a blank space there. Just recently I am getting like an ember of energy starting to light up there.

In terms of timeline everyone is unique, but I'd say from a couple of months to a couple of years.

Why do we need to feel? Because it is part of who we are. We are a thinking and feeling being. It is about balance of the male and female inside us. Too much feeling not good, too much thinking not good. But a balance of feeling and thinking is what will give us a meaningful and joyful life. Also self-acceptance. If we deny our emotions, if we run away, we are denying parts of ourselves. We are half a being this way. Not going to work.

Also in terms of emotional wounds. They will heal if we feel them and observe them. It makes no sense to the rational mind. We are just feeling and observing our emotions? We are not doing anything!? Wrong. We are holding space for the emotions to sort themselves out. They are intelligent they are conscious. This process is not pleasant and requires a certain level of maturity but we will be able to understand and let go.

In terms of practicality. Hooponopono and Mirror work is very good.

For example if some experience from my past comes up. Like being a kid alone in my room playing a particular scary computer game or watching P. I send love (to the best of my abilities) and talk to that kid, I am sorry, Please forgive me, I love you, Thank you. That kid is me, but that kid is also here and now. This is all stored in my cells and organs. Our physical organs also store the emotional energy from the past and emotional wounds. In my experience this is released trough holding space. This stuff will come up when we are ready to face it.

Maybe you are ready to face some stuff? It will take as long as it takes. In the process you get lighter as the emotional wounds get healed.

Imho: This is the real emotional alchemy. We get sad, we hold space (non-judgement, loving), then possibly cry and then we feel better. The holding of space can be a bit of a challenge.

But in my experience it is extremely rewarding to intend to master this. This is a bit like urge surfing but for emotions. When we are in this space we can then do the Hooponopono or something else.

Hope this is helpful
EW
 

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
@Gigili saw you wrote in your journal that you are working with a psychologist. I think this is great. As I felt like writing a disclaimer to the post that I wrote. What I wrote doesn't constitute a professional mental health advice. Lol. Glad you are seeing a professional. But as always I find it personal discernment and resonance is best.

What I wanted to add is this. This is one thing that got me a bit angry before I accepted it. Speaking for myself. Having suppressed the emotions with numbing myself with P. When I started to feel emotions more mindfully. I consider myself to be a pretty angry guy. So I did feel emotions before but never like felt them in a positive way. It is a bit of a spaghetti to explain. But what I wanted to say is this.

When I started to get more in touch with my feelings. The emotions that I felt the most intense were mostly negative. Before I accepted this I got a bit angry. Like why can't I feel positive emotions?! The negative emotions are top priority to heal. So they come up first. Which can be very demotivating. But it does get better. I am lately feeling better. Yesterday night I felt actually good - not in an intense sense. But I can slowly see result. So that holding space for the negative emotions is making me feel better overall. Slowly.

Just like the lotus flower. First it needs to go trough the mud. There is the surface. Always.

Much love
EW
 
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