Rebooting trough self-parenting

Phineas 808

Respected Member
One of the big aspects of P is a maladaptive coping mechanism for emotional trauma. Now that I spent effort in learning to be able to process emotional trauma. I don't really find I have any need for P anymore in my life.

This is huge, EW, on a deeper level. Some of us can hit those lengthier streaks, but still struggle to heal the underlying 'why' behind the addiction, which you rightly say, are maladaptive behaviors.

Destroying, not only the habits themselves (as habits), but changing the very meaning that porn (and related behaviors) has for us is essential on making this our 'forever streak'.

I like that term, EW, and will adopt it as my own wish- to make this my forever streak.
 

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
This is huge, EW, on a deeper level. Some of us can hit those lengthier streaks, but still struggle to heal the underlying 'why' behind the addiction, which you rightly say, are maladaptive behaviors.

Destroying, not only the habits themselves (as habits), but changing the very meaning that porn (and related behaviors) has for us is essential on making this our 'forever streak'.

I like that term, EW, and will adopt it as my own wish- to make this my forever streak.
Thank you brother. We have all been trough soo much in our lives.

My wish for everyone is to extend kindness and grace to each's respected journey.

Much love and respect to all
EW
 

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
Came across this today.

Just blown away by this statement "If you come to me as a victim I will not support you." Makes so much sense to me.

The promise of a medicine woman

If you come to me as a victim I will not support you.
But I will have the courage to walk with you through the pain that you are suffering.
I will put you in the fire, I will undress you, and I will sit you on the earth.
I will bathe you with herbs, I will purge you, and you will vomit the rage and the darkness inside you.
I'll bang your body with good herbs, and I'll put you to lay in the grass, face up to the sky.
Then I will blow your crown to clean the old memories that make you repeat the same behavior.
I will blow your forehead to scare away the thoughts that cloud your vision.
I will blow your throat to release the knot that won't let you talk.
I will blow your heart to scare fear, so that it goes far away where it cannot find you.
I will blow your solar plexus to extinguish the fire of the hell you carry inside, and you will know peace.
I will blow with fire your belly to burn the attachments, and the love that was not.
I will blow away the lovers that left you, the children that never came.
I will blow your heart to make you warm, to rekindle your desire to feel, create and start again.
I will blow with force your vagina or your penis, to clean the sexual door to your soul.
I will blow away the garbage that you collected trying to love what did not wanted to be loved.
I will use the broom, and the sponge, and the rag, and safely clean all the bitterness inside you.
I will blow your hands to destroy the ties that prevent you from creating.
I will blow your feet to dust and erase the footprints memories, so you can never return to that bad place.
I will turn your body, so your face will kiss the earth.
I'll blow your spine from the root to the neck to increase your strength and help you walk upright.
And I will let you rest.
After this you will cry, and after crying you will sleep,
And you will dream beautiful and meaningful dreams,
and when you wake up I'll be waiting for you.
I will smile at you, and you will smile back
I will offer you food that you will eat with pleasure, tasting life, and I will thank you.
Because what I’m offering today, was offered to me before when darkness lived within me.
And after I was healed, I felt the darkness leaving, and I cried.
Then we will walk together, and I will show you my garden, and my plants, and I will take you to the fire again.
And will talk together in a single voice with the blessing of the earth.
And we will shout to the forest the desires of your heart.
And the fire will listen and whisper the echo, and we will create hope together.
And the mountains will listen and whisper the echo, and we will create hope together.
And the rivers will listen and whisper the echo, and we will create hope together.
And the wind will listen and whisper the echo, and we will create hope together.
And then we will bow before the fire, and we will call upon all the visible and invisible guardians.
And you will say thank you to all of them.
And you will say thank you to yourself.
And you will say thank you to yourself.
And you will say thank you to yourself.

-Unknown
 

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
I've been thinking why do women generally have a much easier time rebooting. My theory would be they are much better at knowing how to receive an experience. How to hold space for themselves.

As men I feel like we are obsessed with trying to control the experience. Trying to control the outcome. Not just surrendering to the process and be open to receive the experience as is.

By learning and practicing how to hold space for myself I am finding it night and day difference in ability to process P thoughts, flashbacks, etc.

Just today some P scene is coming up for me. Instead of trying to control the experience. I am just holding space for this experience to unfold. Grateful.

I am still not comfortable saying "I get it" but the results would suggests I do "get it". Took me many months to get a feel for this.

It started with urge surfing. But then this urge surfing changed into a way of holding space for myself.

I call this now until a better name comes along heart centered urge surfing.

Much love
EW
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Well-Known Member
I just got a marketing email from a pretty huge amateur P site. The same site I mentioned in a few posts a while back. Where I went on the site and deleted my account.

It looks like my account deletion was not respected as they still have my username and email as I received a marketing email today.

I went to the support page (it is practically just all text page and no P), sent them a message to get in touch with the privacy officer and have my account deleted.

0% tempted to go to their main site. Didn't even register on my radar. 💪

This feels good. Like a sense of completion. We get to try and try and try again until we get it right. I got it right this time. Feeling very good about this. ✅
Great, man! Porn is a big industry, they try to keep us hooked and get our money but we see the trap and run.
 

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
Played some chess games today. Wow. Noticing this attachment to outcome. The need to win. It prevents me from really enjoying the experience of playing a game. Not being present in the now moment. Not being in the BEingness but just attaching to the outcomes of the DOingness.
 

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
Said NO to P in dreams. Like I was looking at the web browser. One click away from a P site. Do I want it? I said No. The decision didn't come easy as I was going a bit back and forth. We all know the usual. "Come one, just one more time - it will be the last, I promise", etc.

Maybe a bit of a delayed effect from 3D to 4D. As I am getting a whole lot better in current reality not to engage with P. In my waking times. I wouldn't even consider looking at a P site nowadays. It would be an immediate No.

In dream time (4D) it is still a bit of a struggle to say No to P. But my theory is the more I am re-affirming and walking the walk in 3D the easier and easier will be in 4D reality to say No to P.

Much love
EW
 

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
Came across this today.

(By Beverly Geer) Sometimes I just want it to stop. Talk of COVID, looting, brutality. I lose my way. I become convinced that this "new normal" is real life. Then I meet an 87-year-old who talks of living through polio, diphtheria, Vietnam protests and yet is still enchanted with life.
He seemed surprised when I said that 2020 must be especially challenging for him. "No," he said slowly, looking me straight in the eyes. "I learned a long time ago to not see the world through the printed headlines, I see the world through the people that surround me. I see the world with the realization that we love big. Therefore, I just choose to write my own headlines. "Husband loves wife today."
"Family drops everything to come to Grandma’s bedside."
He patted my hand. "Old man makes new friend."
His words collide with my worries, freeing them from the tether I had been holding tight. They float away. I am left with a renewed spirit.
My headline now reads "Woman overwhelmed by the spirit of kindness and the reminder that our capacity to love is never-ending"
 

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member

Maybe instead of looking at outcomes or where I am in life. I can instead evaluate myself in terms of how I am responding to life’s challenges. What values am I in consent with? No matter the outcome am I authentic? Am I being my true self? Am I responding with self-respect, reverence for life? Even if the outcomes are total disaster. Does it really matter what happens or does it matter how I respond? Dignity, respect, reverence, gratitude etc. Does this matter or does the outcome matter?

How do I self-evaluate myself. Do I “judge” myself on the basis of outcomes? How big is my house? How hot is my wife? How many close friends to I have? Or do I judge myself how much authenticity is my daily life, how have I responded to life’s challenges?

When looking at the figures such as Jesus, Buddha, Marcus Aurelius, etc. What is remarkable to me now is I Don’t remember this guys for what they achieved in terms of physical outcomes but for the way they lived their lives - the how. People like Steve Jobs etc I remember for their achievements - outcomes. You can be a farmer or an astronaut, does that matter as much it matters the day to day values present in each moment we vibrate to the world?

I’d say immense meaningful can be found in not in the what but in the how and why.

Letting go of the outcomes is something I am focusing now.

Much love
EW
 

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
Triggered in the morning. Some P scenes came up.

Urge surfing is no longer an accurate term for what I am doing.

What I am doing is holding space for myself. Allow the emotions and memories to surface. Then I observe them while feeling them. I am also running some commands such as revoke of consent, cut energetic cords, etc.

But mostly the trick is being able to observe and feel without the need identify with the feeling and to add fuel to the fire. Like that oh this feels good I want to feel more of this.

A good opportunity to re-evaluate my relationship with pleasure. Imho this is a big deal why porn is such a big deal - it feels good in the moment. If it didn't feel good then not a big deal. We would be able to just drop it very easily.

But in my view our own sexual energy is used against us. Like our sexual energy would be taken from us then re-branded and sold back to us. Like a mirror that distorts and syphons energy.

In any case. Being in the observer mode is gold. Urge surfing is an excellent place to start.

Much love
EW
 

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
Came across a image of a girl in latex clothing on a cat meme website. It triggered me. I did my best to just remain in observer state. Ended up watching a couple of P-subs on instagram. Curious after a little while I just lost interest. I got very aroused then it faded. Granted I didn't want to add fuel to the fire. The "I want to feel more of the pleasure". But I was more of in a curious mindset - where is this coming from? Why am I getting aroused from this? How does this work?

The wave always breaks.

I'll keep my counter. My own take on events like this is to be lenient for a simple reason - if this is really a relapse then a full blown PMO is just around the corner and I'll be resetting my counter soon enough anyway. But if this is just a slight detour then not a big deal. Will see.

Feeling somewhat a lot of sexual pressure. I'll see how I can relax myself - in a non P way and without loosing energy. Huh.

November Report:

7th
NE/Wet dream/ over in an instant, before I knew what was going on boom, fetish content
10th NE/Wet dream/ over in an instant, not even a P dream or any P content, like somebody would push a button and I ejaculated, no O or any other feeling, felt very "mechanical".
18th NE/Wet dream. Took a while longer. Remember like being in a room with some "room-mates". While I said no to P. They were watching P. So it was like I am not watching P but they are watching it but I am then "forces" to watch because in the same room. I then remember like seeing P on the screen - but it was all blurred. Then I ejaculated and wake up. Pretty mechanical again. Didn't get any O or pleasure feeling out of this. Felt uneasy the whole time in "dream". No doubt a bit of lack of healthy self-assertiveness.
29th Briefly looked at some P-subs triggered by a latex cosplay image on a cat meme site.
 

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
Engaged with P a little bit. What is different this time around is that. I've applied much acceptance, relaxation. I did my best to try to let go of the outcome.

As I don't want to lose my composure each time I am exposed to a sexy image. I want to be neutral about it. Down the road when I came across a sexy image, be it at an Ad, etc. I want to be neutral about it. Acknowledge it but don't get overwhelmed. Remain calm, relaxed and peaceful.

Yesterday evening. I listed to some erotic hypnosis audio files. They got me relaxed, but I didn't buy into it. I went to be like at 3 AM woke up at 8 AM pretty refreshed. So there is definitely something going on with this whole sexual energy stuff. Like I mentioned. There are times after I PMO that I feel a lot more energetic and motivated and other times I'd feel drained. This speaks of energy blockages that I have started to address. As this time around a whole lot more sexual energy got pent up in 90 days. As usually after 30 days I get very tired due to the pent up sexual energy. So definitely made progress there.

In the morning watched some P. Again. Watched with acceptance. This is a valid expression of all that is. I removed the shame and guilt and a whole lot other negative emotions and projections. Such as P is "evil". I just wanted to see more clearly P. I would not recommend this to anyone.

Anyway. I watch a few hours of P. But again, like the the erotic hypnosis audio, they got me relaxed, but I didn't buy into it. But a whole lot of horniness is gone.

I didn't masturbate. I just listened and watched. My whole point was I want to relax. I want to watch this from relaxation. Ideally from neutral perspective. Like this is a valid part of humanity. This is not something to be ashamed of, of label it as "evil". It just is what it is. Remove judgement. But this leads me to the most important aspect:

What does this tell about me? Why is this coming up for me? Authenticity...Is this being authentic for me?

Obviously need to restart my P free counter. But I am keeping my noFap counter as I didn't masturbate.

Streaks:
19.8.2021 - 30.11.2021
Porn Free Streak
19.8.2021 - ongoing noFap Streak

I think what would be helpful to me is a like sexual relaxation. Perhaps it will be possible to do this without any P at all. Maybe something like a sensual self-massage or something like that. I'll explore this options.

Not really feeling like listening to the erotic hypnosis audio. Also not feeling it like watching P. What I would like is to be more sexually relaxed. Maybe some breathing exercises can help and some self massage? I'll explore this more. With the intention of being in the body and relaxing.


November Report:

7th NE
/Wet dream/ over in an instant, before I knew what was going on boom, fetish content
10th NE/Wet dream/ over in an instant, not even a P dream or any P content, like somebody would push a button and I ejaculated, no O or any other feeling, felt very "mechanical".
18th NE/Wet dream. Took a while longer. Remember like being in a room with some "room-mates". While I said no to P. They were watching P. So it was like I am not watching P but they are watching it but I am then "forces" to watch because in the same room. I then remember like seeing P on the screen - but it was all blurred. Then I ejaculated and wake up. Pretty mechanical again. Didn't get any O or pleasure feeling out of this. Felt uneasy the whole time in "dream". No doubt a bit of lack of healthy self-assertiveness.
29th P Briefly looked at some P-subs triggered by a latex cosplay image on a cat meme site, listened to some erotic hypnosis before bed
30th P woke up relaxed even with less sleep, watched some P in the morning (without judgement) didn't really do it for me

Onwards and upwards
EW
 

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
Also one other mention:

In terms of P watching. I watched a lot of fetish A and fetish B in my what now 20 years of P addiction? Wow. Probably 10 years of fetish A and 10 years of fetish B. I started with high speed P when I was probably like 14 years old. Now here we are I am 35.

Fetish A is now quite a turn off. Both in real life and when I see images/videos of it. Yuck!
Fetish B is now in a bit of a mixed state. It doesn't really turn me on, it might even slightly turn me off. In the P watching I did I watched very little of Fetish B and it didn't really do it for me as it used to.

So definitely progress. If anyone is wondering if fetish stuff can be let go off. Yeah. Totally. In my latest P watching I did watch some vanilla P. But then I am like....Why am I watching strangers having sex? WTF dude....get a life bro!

Overall I need to relax more. I need to work on relaxation. I am already working on self-acceptance and it shows big time.

EW
 

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
Just watched a few Fetish B videos. Do I want to do this in real life? Nope. This is something that I had been contemplating to see an escort or a dom to do. Now I wouldn't want to do it all, not even try it with anybody. It is not really turning me on that much. What was turning me on in the videos was more the people who where turned on, relaxed, enjoying themselves.

A bit meta, I watched a video of a woman who was in the fetish B scene watch and comment some other videos of fetish B she is watching on a laptop - like commenting a bit of a sports game.

What I am realizing and embodying is self-respect | mirrored. As I have respect for myself I have respect for people who are making P videos. There is no shame or guilt for this. This is a valid exploration of human sexuality. Weather or not it is aligned with participants soul evolution journey is not for me to judge at all. Who am I to judge anybody including myself? Life just is. The fascinating exploration of consciousness.

I am becoming more at peace with my P addiction, all the P I watched, all the "lost" opportunities because of P, etc. It is all right.

Non-judgement, respect, relaxation/flow, acceptance.

I am feeling a sense of freedom. Counter-intuitive to my rigid mental mind. As I respect, accept, be in non-judgement towards P and also the people who are making P and are "preforming". Beyond the judgement of "bad" vs "good" what "should" and "should not" be. I respect the people who are making P. I am letting go of judgement. Wow. I am crying a bit. Feeling at peace with P. Like some energetic loops of bondage would be released.

Will see if this is just talk.

Also discovered I have a distorted belief.

I don't deserve pleasure.

As I bring this to surface I can change it.

Much love
EW
 

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
I feel like rewiring would be beneficial for me at this point. But given the situation. I was hoping to join some activity groups to meet some people. Maybe find a female friend or something. But with this draconian pass system I don't imagine myself identifying as not-diseased each time I join a group. Anyway.

So my P watching escapade. Maybe helpful. As I don't need P, now I have hopefully gone further. It doesn't really turn me on. Yesterday I watched some fetish B and some vanilla stuff. I am like..... I was loosing my mind over this? Wtf? I got sort of a meltdown seeing that latex cosplay image...for what? Now hopefully I will be a bit de-sensetized towards P. It is not that big of a deal i.e. I shouldn't get like "triggered" when coming across a sexy image. A little bit yes. As in a way to appreciate beauty. But not in a way to loose it. Also about P videos. Wish the people who are making this videos and are performing all the best...truly. Who am I to judge this. This said. It doesn't trigger me the way it did.

Still didn't masturbate or PMO or anything like that.

What I started to look into is "tantra" I really don't like that word as it doesn't really explain anything but it has some sort of energetic connotation. Anyway. I found a few videos of some girl, it is a sensual video, about breathing, visualization and kegels. I did it a few times wanting to cum. It didn't work out. But I found it helpful to be more into my body. For now I will use them to do the breathing and visualization and kegels. Basically run the energy from the tip of the penis to the tip of the head or further. Makes a lot of sense. Did some fantasizing but then I am like... how about I just try to feel my body. How about I just try to be in my body and not my mind?

So this is what I have started to explore. Mindful sexual meditation practices that will helpful help me connect with my body, sensations, feelings more. Yesterday evening I wanted to O so badly but couldn't make myself O from this meditations. Today in the morning I tried again. Yet I am finding it somewhat easier to let go of the need to O. So hopefully this is also one of the things that I will manage to master in the future. This attachment to outcome is very ingrained in my being. Why can't I just enjoy being with my own sexual energy? Feel how it feels? Without expectations? Without attachment to outcome? Without expecting an O? This is something I'll work on.

Basically I started to look into self-rewire using mindful meditation techniques - breathing, visualization, kegels, massage and doing my best to try to be in my body and let go, relax and let go of the outcome.

Wishing everyone all the best on their respected journeys
EW
 

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
Almost forgot:

1st December guys!

November Report:

7th NE
/Wet dream/ over in an instant, before I knew what was going on boom, fetish content
10th NE/Wet dream/ over in an instant, not even a P dream or any P content, like somebody would push a button and I ejaculated, no O or any other feeling, felt very "mechanical".
18th NE/Wet dream. Took a while longer. Remember like being in a room with some "room-mates". While I said no to P. They were watching P. So it was like I am not watching P but they are watching it but I am then "forces" to watch because in the same room. I then remember like seeing P on the screen - but it was all blurred. Then I ejaculated and wake up. Pretty mechanical again. Didn't get any O or pleasure feeling out of this. Felt uneasy the whole time in "dream". No doubt a bit of lack of healthy self-assertiveness.
29th P Briefly looked at some P-subs triggered by a latex cosplay image on a cat meme site, listened to some erotic hypnosis before bed
30th P woke up relaxed even with less sleep, watched some P in the morning (without judgement) didn't really do it for me

Review:

So basically a clean month except for the last 2 days. I got triggered by some cosplay image. Listened to some erotic hypnosis before bed. It didn't really turn me on the way it used to. Didn't buy into it. But it did relax me. Woke up a lot sooner than I usually do and with some more energy than usually. Watched some P but it doesn't really do it for me. Fetish A now a major turn off. Fetish B slight turn off. Don't need P. Also now I feel like I can be exposed to P without losing my mind and going into a meltdown. I found acceptance and respect for people who are making and performing P videos. Everything is a valid expression of God. This is a valid exploration of human sexuality. But not something that I need to explore further. My 21 year exploration of P has been quite sufficient. All good. No-judgement. Who am I to judge anyway?

So what is up for December. Well I'll explore mindful self-rewiring techniques. Breathing, visualization, self-massage, kegels, etc. But most importantly. I'll to work on letting go. Letting go of the outcome. Just feel some arousal without the need to O or make it more intense.

Wishing everyone here a great December!

Much love
EW
 

stepbystep

Active Member
Happy December 1!
Watched some P but it doesn't really do it for me. Fetish A now a major turn off. Fetish B slight turn off. Don't need P. Also now I feel like I can be exposed to P without losing my mind and going into a meltdown.
I relate to this. Last time I watched P, I realized it didn't arouse me the way I thought it would. I realized it's not very interesting. It's not as good as I fantasize it to be. It's not reality.

Everything is a valid expression of God. This is a valid exploration of human sexuality. But not something that I need to explore further. My 21 year exploration of P has been quite sufficient.

Exactly! Same here!

So what is up for December. Well I'll explore mindful self-rewiring techniques. Breathing, visualization, self-massage, kegels, etc.

Nice plan!
 

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
Thanks guys!

I am reseting my counter.

In the morning. I did some sexual meditation. I got carried away. This attachment to outcome. I wanted more. I started to fantasize about P scenes, together with some self massage (not in the groin region) I ejaculated a bit. Curiously enough it was very watery. Usually the stuff is very thick. But this was half way between urine and regular sperm. Interesting. Anyway.

The good news is that I don't really feel like watching P (or doing erotic hypnosis for that matter or any other P for that matter).

The bad news is that I get carried away by the P scenes that are still in my memory.

With doing the sensual meditation to connect with my sexuality. P comes up. But I am not yet able to handle it. I am still attached to outcome. Not in the receiving. Not just letting myself to receive what the moment brings without projecting my own expectations to it.

I'll do the sensual meditation again tomorrow morning. With the intention to try to just receive without projecting expectations.

Hopefully in a meditative state and away from computer screen it is more easy to see trough P. I listen just to audio guided sensual meditation.

December report:
2nd
HFO, started with a sensual meditation to connect with my sexuality but then I projected my own expectations and got carried away and fantasized about P. Ejaculated a little without touching myself.

EW
 
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