Rebooting trough self-parenting

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
Getting in touch more with my intuition. Came across some dance studio website with some songs to play. Just felt like dancing. Felt super nice to just dance (by myself in my apartment) to some music. Dance like no one is watching.

I can connect to the music.

EW
 

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
December report:
2nd HFO
, started with a sensual meditation to connect with my sexuality but then I projected my own expectations and got carried away and fantasized about P. Ejaculated a little without touching myself.
3rd HFO, similar than the day before except I watched a little P with it

I can better understand where I went wrong. The "tantra" audio/video stuff. While it has some good stuff. It is fundamentally flawed. As I am connecting with the "instructor" and not myself. Also Self-control goes out the window pretty fast. But I'd say this is to be expected because I already consented to lust while starting the tantra audio/video. So self-control happens before peeking or engaging with this. When we peek on some level we give consent to engage with this.

What are my intentions with this "tantric" videos. Well...to feel pleasure. This is a very selfish reason.

What is the solution? The solution is simple. Instead of connecting to the "tantra" video. I need to start connecting more with my own body's intuition. Ask it what it needs/wants. Ask it how it wants to relieve sexual pressure. Establish a dialog. Learn for me to receive.

So the progression,

stumbling with urge surfing -> holding space for myself (upgrade to urge surfing) -> hold space with communication with my heart (upgrade to holding space).

So I'll try to forget about the "tantra" video and try to communicate with my heart. I already have all the answers.

I am cutting myself some slack. I don't feel ready to go there yet. I'll first play with the "tantra" videos some more then be ready to let this go. Or maybe I just let this go now? I don't know.

Why is this coming up for me?
How do I learn from this? What is the lesson here?
What are my intentions?

Well the tantra video I played was titled HFO so the intention is clear. Am I going to get in touch with my sexuality this way? Nope.

There is another titled sexual healing. Would this work better? Possibly? But still I would not be connecting with myself.

I'll think about this some more. Definitely don't feel like PMOing or going on a P binge. But the desire to do this started to grow since I started to engage with the "tantra" video. Not good.

Maybe best to let this go.

December is off to a bit of a wobbly start.

EW
 

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
Clean day yesterday. No issues keeping away from P.

I levelled up some more on urge surfing/space holding abilities.

The tantra HFO videos were a step in the wrong direction. But no judgement there. I am finding it a whole lot less triggering to watch P. Obviously P is not something I'd like to engage further with. But at the same time I don't want to get into a mental breakdown / meltdown if I am exposed to P. Like with the sexy cosplay image.

Non-judgement helps a whole lot as well. As I noticed I subconsciously had a belief that P creators are "bad" people. Judgements. Judging others is judging yourself. As I am a drop in the ocean, who am I to judge the other drops in the ocean? We are all facets of one singular ocean.

Overall I find it a positive experience I had with the tantra HFO video and the P watching I did. Feeling more relaxed about P now. I had some shame and guilt about this. I can put this to surface.

I am finding that healing is a lot about being able to relax and let go. Soften the heart, forgive, accept, let go of judgements. Forgive myself and forgive others. The chains of bondage are dissolved trough forgiveness.
 

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
Clean day yesterday. 0% issues staying away from P.

The nuance of consent. This is why in my understanding now peeking is such a slippery slope. When we peek we give consent - this is OK - I consent to be sexually stimulated from pixels. The universe is happy to oblige.

We need to be very careful with our consent. What am I in consent with?

Have a great week everyone.
EW
 

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
(yesterday) Came across a very "hot" music video on YT. I got aroused. But I was able to work my tools and snap out of it before it would escalate further.

Exactly what I am saying about consent. This peeking. It is a slippery slope as my intention is -> I like this hot music video, I am in consent with this, -> send more pixels my way.

Urge surfing is an awesome base platform you can then build upon it.

December report:
2nd
HFO, started with a sensual meditation to connect with my sexuality but then I projected my own expectations and got carried away and fantasized about P. Ejaculated a little without touching myself.
3rd HFO, similar than the day before except I watched a little P with it
6th Watched arousing mainstream music video, snapped out of it before it escalated further
 
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EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
I am thinking why women have an easier time quitting P. Micro to the macro.

Male - electric - transmit - horizontals
Female - magnetic - receive - verticals

As a male I find it easy to work with "things" that are in my face -> in the horizontal. I have a hard time looking up or down or inward for inspiration. As inspiration (for me currently) is coming from "out there" not from "in here".

I have a hard time receiving but want to transmit my will to the outside.

Sexual organs illustrate it nicely. Male sexual organ -> projects energy ( sperm) in the horizontal, Female sexual organ -> receives energy in the vertical.

Divine inspiration comes from the vertical, it is a receiving not a transmitting.

So this is the lesson that is coming up for me. Learning to be able to receive the experience, receive the experience. Not be just obsessed with projecting my energy on the world or taking the energy from the outside world (horizontals).

This is very hard. But with intention everything starts. My intension is to become better at receiving without expectations. Receive the experience.

Also in terms of the music video I watched. I noticed myself getting into a spot-light awareness, my awareness contract into a laser beam and just be fixated on the attractive singer. What helped me to snap out of it to get back in flood-light awareness.

It is going to be an interesting year ahead of me. The current year I am able to have "easy" 1 month or something streaks. This current streak of 106 days or something was pretty easy until again I didn't know how to hold space for my sexual energy. I made it to triple digit mark. Now maybe the next year will be even better. As I am learning to hold space for myself, I can get better at holding sexual energy for witnessing.

One of the highlights is definitely when I felt this immense emotions of loneliness. But I was able to hold space for this, just be a compassionate witness to my cellular memories. The emotions then cleared. But I am still fumbling around being able to do the same for sexual energy / emotions. When I get better at that it is game over for P addiction.

The tantra video I find a good attempt at trying to get more in touch with my sexual energy, but the way I get in touch with my sexual energy is not trough some tantra video but trough opening my heart to receive the experience - with connecting with my own being-ness more.

Thank you for reading

Much love
EW
 

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
No issues staying clean.

Came across of an arousing image again. Not an issue. Didn't go into a mind melt down. Not a big deal.

Say yes to beauty, say no to obsession.

Acknowledge it. Yes, this is a beautiful example of female body. Let this be enough and move on. I don't need more of this.

EW
 

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
Doing well. No issues staying clean. Watched first episode of The Expanse Season 6. There was a sex scene in it. While clothed and not very explicit - explicit. It didn't trigger me. I was able to let it go right away. This is one of my objectives. To be able to exposed to P without going into a meltdown.

A bit unsure which date to pick for the start of the current run. Maybe just go with 6.12 or in American notation it would be 12/6 it is easy to remember anyway.

1/6/2022 - 1 month mark
2/6/2022 - 2 month mark
3/6/2022 - 3 month mark

Feeling a bit "horny" today. But this is a good opportunity to try to connect with my body (without tantra video). Just be present with my own body.

Urge surfing -> Holding space -> Holding space + communicating with my body

Much love
EW
 

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
December report:
2nd HFO
, started with a sensual meditation to connect with my sexuality but then I projected my own expectations and got carried away and fantasized about P. Ejaculated a little without touching myself.
3rd HFO, similar than the day before except I watched a little P with it
6th soft P watching Watched arousing mainstream music video, snapped out of it before it escalated further
12th P browsing Browsed some P thumbnails, didn't watch any videos, bored and tired out of my mind, just asking myself I used to get turned on by this stuff? It is not really turning me on per se, but there is still this knee jerk reaction. Like with video games, I don't play computer games yet at times I am looking for pc game recommendations on YT. Well it is what it is.
 

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
I'll change my relapse day to 3rd December. It is when I ejaculated to a tantra video. After that I have just engaged with what would go under "peeking". So this makes more sense.

Starting to slowly build on healthy habits. I started to do a daily 5 min meditation first thing I do in the morning (apart form bathroom visit (that doesn't count - count)).

I am starting to get more comfortable of holding space for myself when I get horny. Yesterday after the "window shopping" experience I still felt horny, I still had this P scene in my mind (haven't browsed the thumbnail of it or seen it otherwize on the screen). I just held space for myself. It made me feel better to a point the P scene and horniness aren't a problem.

EW
 

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
Yet again, from time to time I browse this mostly cat memes and funny stuff website. I know I know. Not the best use of my time. There was this video of an attractive lady in latex clothing. I didn't lose my mind or get in a meltdown. Accept, acknowledge, then move on. I am able to move on.

So I think for dealing with accidental exposure to soft P. Treating this as driving past a natural beauty sight is what looks to be working for me. Just like in nature we might stop and look at a waterfall or something - because we find it pretty. The same here. Attractive fit girl in latex clothing - a pretty sight.

EW
 

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
Wet dream. Perfectly fine. As I put in more days between the tantra videos and P peeking it will get better. I am getting better at holding space for myself.

I am feeling horny but will do my best to hold space for this horniness energy and do my best to talk to my body and the heart and see where that leads me.

December report:
2nd HFO, started with a sensual meditation to connect with my sexuality but then I projected my own expectations and got carried away and fantasized about P. Ejaculated a little without touching myself.
3rd HFO, similar than the day before except I watched a little P with it
6th peeking soft P watching Watched arousing mainstream music video, snapped out of it before it escalated further
12th peeking P browsing Browsed some P thumbnails, didn't watch any videos, bored and tired out of my mind, just asking myself I used to get turned on by this stuff? It is not really turning me on per se, but there is still this knee jerk reaction. Like with video games, I don't play computer games yet at times I am looking for pc game recommendations on YT. Well it is what it is.
14th Wet Dream. Like I am watching P TV channels and using a remote to swap channels only to have a different P scene.

EW
 

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
I got reminded of this message. What we give out we get back.

If we give out aggression we get back aggression, if we give out peace we get peace in return, etc.

I guess where there is delayed effect we need to have faith to bridge the gap?

EW
 

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
Well, looks like it is very simple. If the current reality is shit...you need to live for the future.

While my needs for intimacy are not met here and now...I have faith they will be in the future. And in the mean time I'll Act as If I am already complete. On some level this is true. I am a complete human being already...but I don't feel like it. This is totally fine. Sucks. But I will have faith and trust that everything will work out in the future.

In the mean time I'll make small steps to improve myself. I started to be consistent with a 5 min meditation in the morning. It is not much but it is a consistent start. Now I am having a very hard time going straight for a 10 minute walk right after the meditation in the morning.

In my view the first thing I do in the morning sets the tone and inspiration for the day. So starting with a 5 min meditation and ideally followed by a 10 minute walk is a good way to start. This sure adds up.

5 min meditation every morning gives = 365*5 minutes = 1.27 days per year.

But I am actually meditating more. Also found some sound meditations I like quite a lot. But this is a bit random throughout the day. But I am feeling a renewed resolved to meditate. Also in the evening I am consistently spending at least 30 minutes meditating. So this is great.

EW
 
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