Rebooting trough self-parenting

[EarthWalker]

Great questions. I think we are onto something. Great ideas.

With the high intensity, low duration. One reason for it I am finding it is - unmet needs. I did ho'oponopono stuff. I truly from my heart felt sorry for not meeting my needs for intimacy. The triggers broke away pretty rapidly. I was quite surprised. A few minutes of ho'oponopono I started crying and the triggers were gone.

With this low intensity, long duration. Where there is this P scene in the back of my mind the whole day.

1. I wasn't clear enough with my mental housekeeping. Parts of me are saying this is OK behavior. Maybe I should be more clear I don't tolerate this? This goes with self-ownership and self-responsibility. My thoughts are my responsibility. I own them. They are running in my brain anyway. SO maybe I should be a lot clearer I don't consent to this.

The same goes with emotions. They are my responsibility. I own them. They are running in my body.

2. But what I am finding it more likely is this sexual energy builds then it enmeshes with the P scenes. So it is about:

a) Getting comfortable with this sexual energy - as I am noticing each time the sexual energy builds my first reaction is to release it and not to hold space for it.
b) Having the wisdom to know when to release it. MOing to sensation looks to me to be a necessity. Even what I read on the nofap stuff. Even people who are very successful nofappers and are single usually MO from time to time. So my ballpark would be maybe 1x per mont MO to sensation only is necessary to regulate the sexual function. Obviously people who are in a relationship and have sex at least every now and then this is a moot point. Great example of this would be our brother @imsorrynotsorry. Afaik with the no sex during pregnancy MO was a needed option.

So what do you know I am finding that balance is needed even for MO. Complete abstinence from P in my experience works but not for MO. Before december I did 106 days no fap and no P. But then got very horny and couldn't self regulate the sexual energy. So long winded...I'd say:

Occasional MO ideally to sensation only (being in the body and feeling) is helpful/necessary (speaking for single person). Maybe this means some months without MO and some months a few MOs.

Like for example December is a "heavy" month. So MOing in December is understandable. The next heavy time would be valentines day. So to MO then not a big deal.

EW

 

[EarthWalker]

I PMOed to vanilla sex video I PMOed to while in college. Like rewinding this addiction backwards. Hopefully. This will be it.

January report:
1st PMO Fetish A (surprised me, I suspect I got messed up in the dreams as I had a very bad dreams before this day)
2nd PMO Vanilla (same video I PMOed to while in college going back something like 15 years).

EW

 

[Phineas 808]

I understand what you're saying above, EW, and you bring up several important points...! I'll just touch on one of them now.

I know I count MO along with P, and PMO for me, simply because it's been intricately linked to my own unwanted habits. But I think that what's called 'mindful masturbation' is a thing, and I experienced it back in November. I did it, I didn't judge myself about it. It seemed to be all about the sensation and the release. And, though married (we have sex about 2 - 3 times a month), I seemed to need it. Nonetheless, I track it because I know where MO can lead for me, nonetheless.

Typically, I can go a long period without MO. This might be related to how I looked at it in my early twenties, because as a Christian I really struggled with it. So, in 1990-91, I finally gained a victory over it. I used to be so addicted to MO that I'd come up with a rationalization (it could be about if I MO'd, I'd some how save the world, lol...), then I'd wake up and have to deal with the aftermath. But, I'm not disagreeing with you- and I think for me it may be a useful tool used sparingly.

Sorry for your struggles of late, and I will keep you in mind today for positive thoughts and outcomes.

Blessings.

 

[EarthWalker]

I understand you sparingly mindfully MOing even if having sex 2-3x a month. This is about understanding our own sexual energy as it relate to us outside union with another. It makes sense.

So it looks like mindful MO from time to time even if in a relationship makes sense.

EW

 

[EarthWalker]

Doing well. Smooth sailing.

It is becoming more clear to me that left + right brain approach is the way to go for me.

I need to feel more. Often times I might be thinking my emotions, not really feeling. Bust just really feeling the feelings is necessary and very much in line of being a whole human.

I was looping for some issue with some dispute. What I mentioned in some posts sometimes of a legal disagreement I have with some people I trusted. It caused much problems to me in a way of not being able to let go. The mental looping. Like they shouldn't have done this. They should know better etc. This is all a coping mechanism that is preventing me to really feel the underlying emotions of abandonment, betrayal and resentment.

As I did my best to quiet my mind. I could get a glimpse of what lies underneath the mental looping. This feelings of abandonment, betrayal. I cried a little trying to really feel this.

Today I am feeling better about it.

I'd say we cannot think our way out of this addiction or any other coping strategy. We need to really feel the feelings in order for them to dissolve and remove the blockages. Like melting ice.

Much love
EW

 

[EarthWalker]

Re: Masturbation.

I saw on @AJM's journal, he mentions this resource on YBOP.

Learning the art of ‘mindful’ masturbation (UK Therapist Paula Hall)

Overcoming PIED Many men in the early stages of recovery from porn addiction struggle to enjoy any kind of self-touching without falling into the trap of replaying old porn scenes in their head or fantasy. For some, the thought that you actually could enjoy masturbation again without a brain...

www.yourbrainonporn.com

it makes a lot of sense to me as I am figuring it out that going 106 days no fap. Sometimes going months without is helpful and sometimes some MO or just M (or just sensual massage without M) here and there might be beneficial. Just like counting days. Sometimes it is helpful and sometimes it is not. It is the wisdom that we gain to know when it is and when it is not.

It is Day 4.

EW

 

[EarthWalker]

One of those posts that take what resonates and scroll past what doesn't. Well that applies to all but just explicit warning with this one.

Felt a bit triggered yesterday. Felt my frequency/vibration sink a little bit. Then I remembered about this

LIST OF SATANIC HOLIDAYS (SRA)

www.theopenscroll.com

Sure enough Jan 7 is listed as a Satanic Ritual Abuse holiday. Next one is on Jan 17.

I think it is a probable assumption that there are some very sick and powerful (in the views of society, but not of God) people out there that do some sort of vile things in black magic rituals that include quite a lot of depravity. This is projected to the mass humanity consciousness fields. This results in more probability of fatal car crashes, fires, etc and in our case more troubles staying away from P.

Again, take what resonates and scroll past what doesn't. Thanks.

EW

 

[EarthWalker]

Doing well. Day 8.

P scenes are coming up but I am able to urge surf / hold space. Not an issue.

It was helpful for a period to totally forget about sexual organs. Take a break.

Now I am finding it helpful to greet my sexual organs in the morning, acknowledge them, send some love. Ask them to circulate the energy up the body and up to the brain.

EW

 

[EarthWalker]

Wet dream. Didn't even remember any P. Just like blank black screen, oh, then some burst of nice orgasmic feelings then bam, wake up with a mess, had to change pyjamas and take a shower in the middle of the night.

January report:
1st & 2nd - PMO
12th - Wet dream

 

[EarthWalker]

Starting to be able to feel more. Feel more sexual energy - just feel it without the need to react. The need to release it or project it or work with it. But just listen and feel. This is something new to me. As my first reaction is - feeling horny, getting this buzz in the pants -> lets immediately work with it, want more of it, lets PMO, lets feel even better.

Now I am like, I'll do my best to try to feel it. How does it feel this sesations, where do they feel, can I just relax? Why is there some tension down there? Can I relax this tension? Etc...

Much love
EW

 

[EarthWalker]

Also major thing for me. I believe I can fully heal. This change in belief system made me cry.

 

[zackergeet]

Gr

Starting to be able to feel more. Feel more sexual energy - just feel it without the need to react. The need to release it or project it or work with it. But just listen and feel. This is something new to me. As my first reaction is - feeling horny, getting this buzz in the pants -> lets immediately work with it, want more of it, lets PMO, lets feel even better.

Now I am like, I'll do my best to try to feel it. How does it feel this sesations, where do they feel, can I just relax? Why is there some tension down there? Can I relax this tension? Etc...

Much love
EW

Hello my friend @EarthWalker good to hear that you are taking that approach once you start healing. I felt the same way, once it starts working you want to do something with it (PMO) but we have to remember that PMO does not have any positive side at all. Sexual energy should used for many other stuff like concentration, putting effort in goals and to look for a partner. Sexual energy is vital for us and we are wasting it but PMO. I wish you the best my friend and I hope you keep it up. Don’t give up!

 

[EarthWalker]

@zackergeet Thank you brother! Great to see you doing well.

 

[EarthWalker]

Day 11:

Got flooded (not sure which term to use) with many P scenes last night. But I just

1. Stated that I don't know how healthy sexuality looks like but this sure is not it. I don't want it.
2. Did my best to just feel my body and try to relax, a weird mix of tension and relaxation in the groin area for me
3. Just observe, let go of the outcome, let go of the need to control this in both ways
Way a) Wanting more pleasure out of this, wanting greater body sensations,
Way b) Actively trying to suppress the P thoughts and body sensations

The "just observe". There is probably now 1 year of learning for me how to "just observe". Also having some consciousness experiences that this stuff really cannot be written down. Well it can be but it sounds trivial like this "just observe". If you would tell me this 1 year ago or maybe even just a few months ago. "Just observe". WTF you talking about bro? But seriously. We can shift our awareness out of identifying with thoughts and emotions to hoover over the thoughts and emotions. This needs to be experienced. Trying to explain with words comes across to me as trivial or cheesy. "Just observe" - there is a truck load of nuance with this. Anyway.

I rarely was present with my sexual organs - always sucked into P. Even when I'd MO. I'd rarely MO to sensation only. So I'll leave the mindful MO option open. How does my body and sexual organs feel without P? I don't know? The sexual organs and the sexual energy was used as a means to an end - sexual gratification, sexual release, sexual escapism, in service to P addiction. But do I really know my sexual organs and energy?

I'll avoid MO for as long as comfortable and I can hold observer consciousness without getting into wanting more pleasure. Then I'll probably try this mindful MO. See how self touch works. How does my body feel? Can I relax? While O not being the objective at all. But just getting more to know my own body.

Feel like I am onto something.

Wishing everyone well.

EW

 

[EarthWalker]

Summary of some stuff that works for me:

Day counting:
It is helpful at times and not helpful at times. The wisdom is to know when to use it and when not.

edit (added): MO:
Occasional mindful MO to sensation only might be helpful. Again, the wisdom to know when abstinence is the way to go and when to mindfully engage with our own sexual energy. Pornography is the real problem not occasional or sporadic MO or just M here and there.

Therapy / asking for help:
In my view therapy is many times a necessary component. The wisdom is to know when and who to ask for help. Use intuition. The person that ended up being the most help I came across on some podcast I stumbled across. Felt like I should ask them for help and it worked out great.

Inner child healing:
Emotional trauma is wide spread. Dealing with this stuff helps a lot in recovery.

Increasing awareness / mindfulness / meditation:
Becoming more aware of our thoughts and emotions is necessary as well as having the stability to not be pulled by them. We are the master of our thoughts and emotions!

Dealing with unmet needs.
This is very hard but possible to have contentment even if our human needs (Maslow) are not met.

But the single most helpful skill to work on in my experience is being able to hold space for yourself. It started with urge surfing then it evolved to holding space now I'd call this "Just Observe".

EW

 

[Phineas 808]

Trying to explain with words comes across to me as trivial or cheesy. "Just observe" - there is a truck load of nuance with this. Anyway.

This is actually anything but trivial! I know you're talking about how others may perceive this talk, but it is so important to grasp, especially in approaching our recovery with mindfulness.

Just observing non-judgmentally, or with detachment, is so important, especially when urges arise. Being able to observe ourselves, like watching ourselves in a movie, helps to step outside of the typical mindlessness that was a part of our habits and addiction.

Good points raised!

 

[EarthWalker]

This is actually anything but trivial!

Glad you get it.

Surf's up brother!
EW

 

[EarthWalker]

Day 12:

I feel like I levelled up with urge surfing. Being able to just observe. Feel the fire. But don't add fuel to the fire. Then when the fire dies down. This is it. Be content.

 

[forestwater]

Day 12:

I feel like I levelled up with urge surfing. Being able to just observe. Feel the fire. But don't add fuel to the fire. Then when the fire dies down. This is it. Be content.

This reminds me of one of my favorite lyrics, from "Thank You" by Bombadil. It goes:

And if there's something that you want with all your heart
That you want so much it's tearing you apart
Well don't try to kill the fire, it has to go out on its own

I've tried killing many "fires" in my life, but the lyric is right that they have to go out on their own. We don't have to try to kill the fire OR add fuel to it; we can just feel it until it slowly burns itself out. Good analogy.

 

[EarthWalker]

Thanks @forestwater. This being content when the fire dies down is the hardest part. I am getting better at it.

I came across Dispenza again. He makes some good points. I like when he says (not in this interview but another) I am paraphrasing, this is not exactly how he has said it, that if you are doing meditation right - then it is not going to be comfortable at first. And people think they are doing it wrong because it feels uncomfortable. This is exactly right and exactly my own experience. Some very heavy stuff comes up in mediation and it is not all rainbows and unicorns. But with time and practice meditation is becoming more like rainbows and unicorns and a whole lot less unpleasant.

Surf's up everyone! Level up. 2022 is a great year to level up with our mindfulness and awareness skills. If not this year then when? Why wait. 2022 year of mastery.

EW