Rebooting trough self-parenting

EarthWalker

Respected Member
May I share with you Earthwalker the following which kept me stuck in a loop? I have done the same thing in my experience just like you. Avoiding porn but searching things like massage therepist, tantra, searching pictures of women I know. Looking at women in sport, instagram or in real life on the street. Thinking I was safe. These are all actually a form of substitutes aka p-subs and are most likely triggered by withdrawal symptoms or loneliness. It is still not porn but it is possible these behaviors can lead to problems later on. If I knew this before, I would have been clean years ago, together with insights from Easypeasy. Especially me being single, a female already turns me on (pre-cum, dopamine spike) even just looking only at her face. The goal is to get rid of deltafos-B, which activates impulses (by cue's) to want to have a session immediately. Once you don't feel that impulse, the need and want for porn anymore, you are free. However with every ex-user, a peek can still trigger as sex is part of human.

Thanks for the youtube video above. Very informative for me! Take care EW!
Hi brother. Thank you for sharing. Well timed message and well received.

Spot on about P-substitutes.

Came across a video of very attractive singer yesterday. I got a dopamine rush from it. I guess not much different from P? I watched it a couple of times I was amazed how arousing it was. Then I moved on. Looking back. I could have moved on right away. This is not aligned.

I remember in my teens. I PMOed to music videos - hot singers. At times it feels a bit like my P addiction is rewinding back.

In the morning I got bombarded with P scenes. Just went to observer mode. Then the P scenes stopped to arouse me. They lost their power. But I was still physically aroused from them so I MOed. But after the MO I feel just fine. Don't feel drained at all. But there is a chaser.

I was half-assed with the observer mode. I was 90% observing and 10% wanted to play with lust. So this resulted in the MO instead of just being able to observe and let go and move on.

I need to refine my tools some more. Also work on diligence. De-program my mind. My mind has been programmed by P for 20 years. Wow.

The chaser will make for a great trial for me to be more diligent with the tools and be in observer mode and hold space for myself.

I don't want to avoid this stuff or work on mentally suppressing this. It should be like sailing not rowing.

Take care
EW
 

EarthWalker

Respected Member
Day 1

While technically I didn't watch P per see. It feels like a relapse. I got pulled into a hot singer music video. Sure better than some fetish P but ... this is still P in my view.

January report:
1st & 2nd
- PMO
12th - Wet dream
16th - 2xMO to PIV fantasy + brief P watching
26th - watched music video (P-substitute is still P)
27th - bombarded with P scenes in the morning, ended up MOing
 

EarthWalker

Respected Member
Porn is the perfect storm coming from
  • Unmet needs (intimacy, but can be used to numb/escape from other unmet needs)
  • Emotional trauma (quite a lot of stuff)
  • Fear (of rejection, to perform, future etc)
  • Feeling Overwhelmed (by life, etc)
  • Stress (a great way for stress relief - just PMO right?)
  • Self-Esteem issues
  • Multi-dimensional interference
  • did I forget something? feel free to drop a comment
Looking at my morning relapse. Spot on from:
triggered by withdrawal symptoms or loneliness
It was a combination of both - unmeet need for intimacy and the addiction overlay and some more stuff but this is the key as it looks like:

In my holding space, I need to then learn to hold space for 2 different things at the same time
  1. Unmet need for intimacy - I think we can be very happy and complete alone but I'd say we would miss out. I can focus on feeling complete alone and work on exploring tools to deal with this
  2. Addiction overlay - so much stuff, this stuff also needs to be witnessed, I can't just like ignore or try to deny this like it doesn't exist. Acknowledge and witness it - but the trick here is to really to say NO to pleasure/lust.
Say no to pleasure.

I have no problem saying NO to chocolate cake. I am 100% fine with not having it. But with this lust, arousal, I am almost there to be able to say no at 100% level. This is why I find it really smooth sailing with staying away from P until I feel like strong sense of arousal. This is where my boat capsizes.

I came up with this question.

Does this make me happy? When looking at P (P-substitutes). Like the music video. Does this make me happy? I get at a glass shattering NO.

Well, the journey continues.

Surfs up.
EW
 

EarthWalker

Respected Member
Day 2

No problem with the chaser. I've come to realize
  • for emotional trauma we hold space - something to witness and process
  • for addiction part we don't need to hold space for it, there is nothing to process apart from acknowledging do just basic witnessing as in the mentioned acknowledging, then we have to move it out of our field.
Like urge surf but 2 different underlying principles:
  • heal and integrate back what is organically mine
  • dis-own what is part of the addiction and inorganic to me. (Is this mine?)
Case in point. Let's say a P scenes comes up. It is a P scene I PMOed to in the past. I can acknowledge that the PMO happened, forgive myself, accept it, hold space for the past event briefly but then dis-own the future and now P scene. I don't want this in my mind any longer. I acknowledge the past but this does not serve me and is inorganic to my being so I can move this away from me. This is no longer mine.

Was on LinkedIn - there was a very attractive image of a recruiter. Do I want to click on it? Does this bring me joy, happiness, love? I let go of this idea. Wow. Felt good. It is easier to live if not looking at women as sex objects. Feels lighter.

Wishing everyone a great day
EW
 

EarthWalker

Respected Member
Day 3

As usual came across a very attractive girl - Does this bring me love, joy and abundance? No. Acknowledge it and move on. I don't need to hold space for this and engage with this. This is to be pushed away.

On the other hand for the inner child that is feeling lonely, overwhelmed, stressed and has did PMO in a past event. For this part totally need to hold space. For P not.

Then the 3rd component. Sexual drive. If the body needs a release then an occasional MO is the way to go - but this is like 1x per few weeks or few months.

I can now make further refinement to the tools. I can connect to the inner child not to the P scene. The P scene needs to go out the window. But the emotional charge behind it. That might be able to be smoothed out. I can connect to my inner child that PMOed and ask why did I PMO at that moment? Send love to myself and hold space for this - not for P. Then "just observe".

What I can play around with and see if it will work.

1. Coming across arousing image by accidental exposure online, e.g. attractive photo of a recruiter on linkedin, etc. I can just acknowledge this. Ask myself: Does this bring me my highest love, joy and abundance? Acknowledge and move on. Used it 2x now and worked like a charm each time.

2. When P scenes come up, I can acknowledge, then if needed connect to the inner child that PMOed to this and send love to the inner child and hold space for the inner child at the same time dis-owning the P scene. So the urge surf would be to wait for this to complete. For the P scene to loose the emotional charge. To deflate the emotional charge with the P scene. Ideally I'd like to be neutral when the P scene comes up.

3. When very high on sexual energy, I am still working on something that will work for me.

The journey continues, wishing everyone well.
EW
 

Phineas 808

Respected Member
As usual came across a very attractive girl - Does this bring me love, joy and abundance? No. Acknowledge it and move on. I don't need to hold space for this and engage with this. This is to be pushed away.

I like the questions you ask yourself, EW! That is a good way to get out of mindlessness (as in habit-land), and to cognitively deal with what's coming up in the outer as well as the inner world.

I think the last sentence above, and maybe you don't mean it this way (forgive me in advance), but with every push there is a pull (yin and yang). We kind of give the urges life when we 'fight' with them, or resist them. This doesn't mean we need to let every bird build a nest in our hair, but to more and more step 'outide of ourself'- as you say, 'observer mode'.

What do we do when we come to that part you mention, that we don't need to hold space for this, and engage with this? Of course to push it away is to engage with it. My thought: It will dissipate on its own, we need simply to nonjudgementally observe it, breathe deep through it, until it passes.

Great thoughts above!
 

EarthWalker

Respected Member
Day 4

The journey continues. Went for a walk with a friend, he being married and having kids we don't hang out much at all. Unsurprisingly on the walk we came across a very attractive girl that he knows (wife of his relative). Am I suppose to fantisize about her? Does this bring me joy, love and happines? Acknowledge the beauty and move on. It was easy to do. Also feels a whole lot lighter to just let go of ideas like this.

Now when I went for shopping earlier. I walked pass a very nice girl. I am finding myself having it a bit more difficult to let this go. Because I would see myself going to know her and go for a coffee with her. Now we come to the Unmet needs for intimacy part and then it gets enmeshed with P.

What am I suppose to do fantasize about going for a coffee date with her? Hold space for the unmet need and let this go. It works.

Overall it feels freeing not being a slave to sexual desire or lust. I still have some way to go to make this permanent. Walk the walk.

Well, everyday is an opportunity to better myself. Free myself from my own self-enslavement. I can choose to feel and think different.

Much love everyone
EW
 

EarthWalker

Respected Member
I like the questions you ask yourself, EW! That is a good way to get out of mindlessness (as in habit-land), and to cognitively deal with what's coming up in the outer as well as the inner world.

I think the last sentence above, and maybe you don't mean it this way (forgive me in advance), but with every push there is a pull (yin and yang). We kind of give the urges life when we 'fight' with them, or resist them. This doesn't mean we need to let every bird build a nest in our hair, but to more and more step 'outide of ourself'- as you say, 'observer mode'.

What do we do when we come to that part you mention, that we don't need to hold space for this, and engage with this? Of course to push it away is to engage with it. My thought: It will dissipate on its own, we need simply to nonjudgementally observe it, breathe deep through it, until it passes.

Great thoughts above!
Thank you for your thoughts on this. Appreciate the conversation.

In terms of engaging and resistance. I see it a bit differently.

I think we can all reach consensus on this part that we need to accept - acknowledge what is coming up for us. Either thoughts, emotions, people, places, things, etc. As we cannot heal what we deny.

In my view this acknowledgement and acceptance is what dissipates the resistance. But then I'd say for some stuff that comes up - for some just observation is in alignment, for some we need to engage our heartspace (unmet needs) and really feel it (inner child stuff) and for some stuff we can just gently push it out of our mind (lust stuff).

I just started on this practice of just gently pushing thoughts out of my mind - letting them go. I like it. It also signals to the universe of what I don't want. There is no stickiness to it. They don't come back and if they do I just gently push them aside again - as I am focusing on what I wish to focus on.

Case in point 1: the attractive girl. I held space for the appreciation of beauty (briefly). Any lustful thoughts I just gently pushed away. Do they bring me my highest joy and love? Nope. Push aside. Focus on being present in the moment, having a wonderful walk with a friend and a nice conversation.

Case in point 2: the GF material girl. Oddly enough still working on. The girl is not the problem. The problem is I'd wish to go for a coffee date. Haven't been on one for a long time. So this is the problem. I will hold space for this. But I will push the thoughts aside of any lust with the girl.

This was the big realization I had with urge surfing a while back. We have a combination of active principle, passive and the neutral observer all happening at the same time. For best results we need to combine. Observing with when feels in alignment with active principle of engaging with it.

So maybe the expression Detached engagement is in order. So much nuance.

edit: There was no resistance to pushing the thoughts aside. More like sweeping dust with a broom.

EW
 
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EarthWalker

Respected Member
Thanks Brother.
My thought: It will dissipate on its own, we need simply to nonjudgementally observe it, breathe deep through it, until it passes.

Well I played with this some more. As I started to see that yeah - I don't need to push away every thought that comes up. Just allowing myself to return my attention back to where I was works.

Sometimes or most of the time just let them dissipate works. And sometimes maybe gently in a loving manner pushing them aside works? Maybe a combination works best?

I started to work on improving mental clarity. Wow. So many thoughts come up.

I can Identify them. Label them. Then dis-own them. Like you say they dissipate. But there is something about P thoughts that I like to just push them aside. Anyway.

I have time to figure it out.

Wish a great week everyone! Surfs up. Let's get more mindful of our thoughts and feelings.

EW
 
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EarthWalker

Respected Member
Day 6

Smooth sailing. Sometimes I dismiss thoughts and sometimes I gently push them away. In my mind eye I imagine like a huge bubble that surrounds me. Sometimes I just pin the image of the thoughts to it like it were a billboard. Like for example in top left corner I have a bunch of P scene images stacked up. So each time a P thought comes up I just add it there.
 

EarthWalker

Respected Member
Oh wow 1st February!

January report:
1st & 2nd - PMO
12th - Wet dream
16th - 2xMO to PIV fantasy + brief P watching
26th - watched music video (P-substitute is still P)
27th - bombarded with P scenes in the morning, ended up MOing

So I started January with the new years relapse. PMOed 1st and 2nd. Then it was smooth sailing until 16th where I got super engulfed with sexual energy that I didn't know how to handle, after brief P watching I ended up MOing. Then on the 26th I got a dopamine rush from just watching a music video. Next day fantasized heavily about P scenes then MOed - again having a lot of sexual energy brewing up.

Interestingly none of the (P)MOs left me feeling tired. Always felt like I could go again. Anyway.

February goals:

Anchor in my tools. They work if I want them to work. Where I fail is when this sexual energy becomes unmanageable. I'll try to recognize this and if it get's too much I'll just MO.

Question for February to anchor:

Does this bring me my highest love, joy and happiness?

Much love everyone and wish you smooth sailing in February.
EW
 

EarthWalker

Respected Member
“Our very life depends on everything's. Recurring till we answer from within. The thousandth time may prove the charm.” ― Frost Robert.

I am grateful that I get as many chances as needed to fully learn and fully grow up from P addiction.

EW
 

Phineas 808

Respected Member
“Our very life depends on everything's. Recurring till we answer from within. The thousandth time may prove the charm.” ― Frost Robert.

I am grateful that I get as many chances as needed to fully learn and fully grow up from P addiction.

EW

Definitely, brother! That's the grace afforded us all, that as many times as we need to 'get it right', and that each new day is exactly that, a brand new clean slate.

Also, there's a constant learning, re-learning (as for me, so many experiences seem cyclical, but as an ascending spiral). It may take this 'nugget of revelation' that takes us there, or it will be a building stone awaiting the next revelation. But we don't know which truth will finally breakthrough the wall, or catapult us into our complete freedom.
 

EarthWalker

Respected Member
Started to read The Autobiography of a Yogi.

Very powerful.

Careful, sometimes the ads on the page can be a bit sexy - but this is pretty common nowadays on news or other websites to put ads in and sometimes it is for some sexy lingerie.

Recommend using Reader View due to ads on page:


Sometimes the ads are fine and sometimes there is like aforementioned some women underwear ads or something like that.

EW
 

Phineas 808

Respected Member
Started to read The Autobiography of a Yogi.

Yes, I have that book- in it's paperback form (no underwear ads ;) ).

I remember trying to pin down exactly what 'kriya yoga' is to him or SRF, but they don't get too specific. There's all kinds of versions of that, and the particular search isn't as much needed by me now.

Be well.
 
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