Rebooting trough self-parenting

EarthWalker

Respected Member
Day 10

Double digits. Doing well.

Asking myself Does this bring me my highest love, joy and happiness? Helps a lot to regain a sense of direction.

Be well
EW
 

EarthWalker

Respected Member
Day 11

Smooth sailing. Yesterday came across a soft-P image while just doing the normal web browsing. Didn't even phase me. I was like cute then just moved on.

In the morning some P scene came up. I just acknowledge the thought, accepted it, then gently brushed it aside. I don't need to hold space or urge surf this.

There is wisdom to know when to hold space / urge surf and when to just say No, thank you.

As the days progress the time where I always relapse is when P thoughts are mixed with high sex drive / high sexual energy. This is where I can't handle it. It becomes a mess and then I engage with P, usually backing off from P and then going for MO.

As I am expecting the sexual energies to start building up again. Maybe this time around I can at a minimum keep the P away and if needed I'll just go with a MO or better yet just hold space / urge surf the physical sensations?

Will see. Grateful I get to do this until I figure it out.

With the work I am doing, if the sexual energy is low to medium it is smooth sailing. When the sexual energy gets high together with the unmet need for intimacy I relapse. So this is the area I am working on now.

Wishing everyone a great Sunday. See you tomorrow.
EW
 

EarthWalker

Respected Member
Day 12

Doing all right. As the days progress I expect that this sexual energy will start to build. I will try to unentangle the spaghetti and hold space for my organic sexual energy but say no to the inorganic P overlays. If it will get too much I can just MO. Not ideal but not bad either. In terms of MO. I'd say again it comes to the wisdom to know when it is aligned and when not.

Valentines day is on 14th February. I expect it will be a rough day in terms of energetics. If things get out of hand I'll allow myself to mindfully MO that day or +/- one day to Valentines.

In terms of reasons for MO:
1) MO when the buildup of sexual energy is too much. Mindful MO can be used to release it. In a way it is a waste of energy. But what is the alternative? Loose your mind? Again, I am talking here about MO of every few weeks to every few months. Definitely not something to do daily or weekly.

2) MO as a way to better feel and understand our body. I haven't explored this much. But it is a whole lot different then being mind-less with PMO. I feel like this has it's place when it is done with care and mind-full-ness. Something to be done sparingly.

So it looks like in a week or soo Valentines will be my next big test. Looking forward.

In terms of sexual energy. As I am getting my shit together so to speak. Now is Day 12 and my sexual energies are all right. I feel some buzz down there but it is feeling supportive not over-powering.

What I am dealing with

A) Unmet needs for intimacy (organic)
B) Raw untamed / undisciplined sexual energies (organic, for me to master)
C) Mind-control addiction multi-dimensional interference (inorganic, to be cleared and released from the body)

As I am raising my general awareness I am finding it easier and easier to see what is coming up.

Be well
EW
 

EarthWalker

Respected Member
Day 13

Doing all right. Having it easier time to identify things that come up. A lot of this is coming from lack of self-esteem and stuff like that. I can identify, recognize what is going on, then work the tools. They work.

Porn not a problem. Pretty un-expected but I got a sex toys ad on YouTube before a recipe video. Can you imagine that?! It was a very well known cooking channel that has recipes on it. 0% sexual content. I was unphased by the Ad. Just YUCK!

Wishing everyone well
EW
 

EarthWalker

Respected Member
Day 14

2 weeks. Times flies. Like it was yesterday that I relapsed. Tools work. Not an issue.

In the morning. I got some vanilla thoughts, non P related. Like it would be nice to physically connect with a girl. Didn't felt like engaging with this thoughts for long but didn't try to deny them either. Just let them be. But the same time didn't add fuel to them.

Keep on walking
EW
 

EarthWalker

Respected Member
Day 15

Doing well. My penis is starting to feel physically different also the balls. Better. More healthy.

Yesterday on a walk. Just saw this dog at the end of the stairs. Greeted the dog. Then the woman greeted me (the dog was with her, I didn't notice this from the stairs) before turning away and going her way. Anyway. It was cool. Would prefer if I started a conversation as I am genuinely curious what she does for a living. The dog looked groomed spotless as did she. But this is the usual greediness. Not happy with just a simple hello. Always wanting more. I'll meditate on this.

Wishing everyone well
EW
 

EarthWalker

Respected Member
Getting a bit more "horny", maybe need a better word for this. But so far managable. I'll do my best to hold space for this.

Some P thoughts came up, but I just acknowledge and gently brush them aside.

Forgot to mention. Was super tempted to get on instagram and look at models yesterday. As that girl who I saw briefly reminded me of an instagram influencer / model type. But I didn't. The tools work. Holding space / urge surf / other psychology stuff / other meditation stuff.
 

EarthWalker

Respected Member
Day 16

Doing well. Valentines day approaching. So far sexual energy manageable. If it becomes too much will just MO.

Wishing everyone well
EW
 

EarthWalker

Respected Member
Day 17

P thoughts are easy to manage. They are few and far in between. I do long for some companionship. But this goes orthogonal to P addiction.

Like saying. Untangling the spaghetti of P addiction and using different tools for different strains of spaghetti.

Wishing everyone well
EW
 

EarthWalker

Respected Member
Day 18

I had a chat with someone yesterday. I felt so much resistance to just saying it but felt much relief after just saying: I'd like to be in an intimate relationship right now. I'd really want a girlfriend. Felt so much relief just putting this out there. Was surprised on how much resistance I felt to say this out loud. And also surprised how much relief I felt saying this out loud to someone. Like a weight is lifted off my shoulders. Maybe goes to my childhood where I never felt heard.

The tools are working:

1) Recognize and acknowledge the unmet needs - like for example the need to intimacy, deal with this differently
2) Recognize and acknowledge the sexual energy - deal with this differently
3) Recognize and acknowledge P thoughts - deal with this differently
4) Recognize and acknowledge stress/anxiety/fear/etc - deal with this differently

This are like the 4+ strains of spaghetti that get all tangled together. They need a bit of a nuance of how to be dealt with. Again it comes down to "just observe".

Tomorrow is valentines. Expecting rough seas. What I can remind myself is to ask this question:

Does watching P bring me my highest joy, love and happiness?
Does PMOing bring me my highest joy, love and happiness?

Can I enjoy myself right now? If not, why not? Is the why totally and completely true?

Wishing you well
EW
 

Phineas 808

Respected Member
I had a chat with someone yesterday. I felt so much resistance to just saying it but felt much relief after just saying: I'd like to be in an intimate relationship right now. I'd really want a girlfriend. Felt so much relief just putting this out there. Was surprised on how much resistance I felt to say this out loud. just observe".

Tomorrow is valentines. Expecting rough seas.

Congrats on reaching out, EW! I hope that the response was a reciprocation, or at least met with acceptance.

You'll do fine Valentines Day, brother. My sense is, don't put too much feeling/expectation into it. Feeling = energy, and it may make a monster that needn't be there. If you empty that day of any feelings or expectations, treat like any other (or, treat yourself- as you love yourself), and let it pass quietly into sleep, you'll do well.

Wishing you well, brother.
 

EarthWalker

Respected Member
I've been thinking is sex really a need?

Maybe a yes/no. It is a need on the species level but a want on the individual level? Maybe this obsession with sex is driven more by societal needs than individual?

The more people have sex the more chances of reproduction/continuation of the species?

Why I am thinking of this...I want to enjoy the now moment even if I am not having sex. Could this pressure to have sex be of society?

This answer makes me think


The fact that sex often feels like a need on an individual level is because it is a need at a species level, and so many of us individually are biologically driven towards it. That does not, however, make it so.

EW
 

EarthWalker

Respected Member
Day 20

Yesterday, I briefly went on instagram to look at a model page. I quickly snapped out of it and applied the tools. They work. No issues.

I looked into why in that particular moment would I want to engage with P. I was looking for some warmth and comfort. P has given a toxic/poisonous warmth and comfort. No thank you.

Today in the morning, some P thoughts came up, I just acknowledge then in this case didn't add any fuel to the fire, let the fire die down. This is what I am coming up with. Different techniques need to be used for different situation and with a whole lot of nuance. A lot of this can be explained as "just observe".

I fantasized a bit of just vanilla PIV and just holding someone - the warmth and comfort. Not ideal but getting there.

EW
 

EarthWalker

Respected Member
Day 1

Not totally unexpected. As I expected issues on valentines day.

I browsed some instagram stuff, then ended up just browsing some P sites. I was not really turned on. I kept thinking I used to get turned on by this stuff? Yuck? Why am I here? Pavlov's Dog? Inertia. I've been under 20 years of P mind control. Obviously it is not a walk in a park to quit.

But then weird thing happened. I just got super aroused and just came without touching myself by just looking at some thumbnails for P. Didn't even watch a P movie. This is a new experience for me.

The good:
I can do super easy sailing into double digits if I am not very aroused/horny/ high in sexual energy.

The bad:
I can't yet handle dealing when sexual energy gets high.

The ugly:
I still keep on using P

February report:
14th:
Brief Instagram watching
15th: Browsed P site watched mostly thumbs and a few preview in thumbs. Then just got super aroused and just came without even touching myself.
 

EarthWalker

Respected Member
The chaser is pretty strong as my sexual energies are still pretty high.

I'll reshuffle my tools some more.

It was an interesting experience being on instagram/P site without the need to PMO. If I hadn't just like came while on the P thumbnails that would have been it. As I've been thinking...a bit in disbelief...like I used to PMO to this stuff?

Next time instead of going for a quick peek (doesn't work) and when this sexual energies are super high. I'll go with a sensation only MO instead.

But this gets me thinking. I am looking in my belief system. Wow. I don't have a concept of how healthy sexuality looks like. Also on our societal level.

If we were to live in an enlightened, happy, healthy society...how would sexuality look like? Probably totally alien to us right now. Yet more fulfilling and more joyful.

What am I suppose to do...just not masturbate? What am I suppose to do...just not look at pretty girls? What am I suppose to do...just not get aroused? Hm...

Maybe this is exactly right. Can I just reserve my sexual energy for a future partner (whenever that happens) but in the mean time, I can just conserve my sexual energy / focus?

Not masturbate to a pretty girl? Wow, this goes very deep. Back to teenager years. Got myself programmed/mind controlled.

Looking at my belief system:

o) You need to masturbate to feel happy
o) Masturbation to porn is a need - you need this
o) It is normal to lust over girls
...

Uff... maybe this is all abnormal? What would feel like smoother way to live...

Seeing an attractive girl and thinking wow I'd like to have sex with her or just going about my day doing my stuff?

Lastly, Plato's cave. This P stuff feels like being in this cave. When a sufficient accretion level is reached. I'll just walk out if it. Now I am at a point I am starting to realize this are shadows not the authentic reality.

Ew
 

EarthWalker

Respected Member
Day 2

Not an issue to deal with the strong chaser. Here we go again.

I am trying to imagine how a society with healthy, enlightened sexuality would look like.

No beauty contests, no sexy clothing -> but at the same time not like repressive clothing, but the clothing would look very elegant, very nurturing, maybe floral or nature inspired motifs - it may or may not be "revealing". But the intention of the clothing would not be to look "hot" or "sexy". Maybe also a whole lot less make up.

Hm...

EW
 
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EarthWalker

Respected Member
Day 3

Strong chaser/urges but not a big deal. I am able to apply the mindfulness techniques. They work.

I am changing my values and belief around sex and sexual energy and sexual relationships etc.

EW
 
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