Rebooting trough self-parenting


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A married friend of mine told me about his time for the marriage and not having sex with his women for about a year.

Huh, are they happy together? Micro to the macro. Mental/emotional/spiritual intimacy would result in physical intimacy as well. Like a mirror. Are they estranged?



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BTW: It is on. My own personal challenge. How long will I last on hard mode.

I'd say I'll trip on new or full moon due to the dam water level.

Next full moon Sept 2. Next new moon 19 Aug. Will see how it will go.



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Spent the entire Friday and half of Saturday in intense physical work. There is a leaky roof over the garage (for a while now). A construction company guy came on Thursday to take a look as this project is now at the top of their queue. We agreed that best if I remove some of the concrete walls around the roof. I removed the materials. I don't mind doing this as much I mind being out of shape and this only makes my physical condition worse not better. To much or too little physical work is not good.

Pretty exhausting. Relapsed. Still feeling exhausted. I am out of shape and this kind of activity does more harm than good.

On the positive side. For the first time I got some discernment on subpersonalities. Like "seeing" a subpersonality in action. I searched for subpersonality psychology. I got some intersting leads.

Week 33 review:

PMO: 5 clean days. Relapsed on Friday evening. If not for the rush job of preparing the roof over garage, it wouldn't be a problem.
Waking up: 4x on time, 3x ~ 30 min delay. Going to bed routing is slowly improving.
Spine exercise: 4x
Walk in nature: 4x

Week 34 plan:

PMO: Try and make this a PMO free week
Waking up: 5x on time, 2x <= 30 min delay on weekend
Spine exercises: do them everyday
Walk in nature: try do it everyday

Wish everyone a good week



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Day 7 hard mode. It was easy sailing thus far. Now some horniness came up.

Why is this coming up? What is the reason? A quick fix for what?

1. Feeling abandoned by my parents. As I mentioned before I was effectively raised by my grandmother while my parents were doing their "thing" while seeing me on weekends.
2. The need for intimacy. The human body is designed to be close to people. To have some sharing. This lone wolf is not working out.
3. Anything else?

1. Can it be fixed? I came across some psychology book about people who went trough adopted parents thing. This is tough stuff. Like being quite literally "abandoned" by bio-parents. Reminds me of one interview I saw about some guy and gal who were raised by foster parents while their bio-parents died in car crash. They felt like "half" of a person. I'll look into this psychology of foster kids. So this is something that I can work on by doing the "self-parenting". So I: Yes. It can be fixed. Looking into psychology of foster kids is a good start. I can start work right away.

2. Can it be fixed? Yes but not right away. I am paraphrasing a quote. Two half people make for a bad relationship. While two whole persons make for a good relationship. I don't want a crappy relationship. If I would magically go into a relationship right now. I'd be an energetic parasite. There is a big hole to fix and I think ironically only my self can fix it.

Walking across the desert. Right now I am 1 step away from P oasis. It is damaging but it feels "safe" while not being safe. While there is nothing but desert around.

I find it soothing to listen to some woman podcasts. They process things differently. I think we guys are all about moving stuff from point A to point B. I think gals can just like be "still" that impulse to move energy from point A to point B is less intense.

I think with P. I'd just want to move this energy from point A to point B. But maybe the point is to be able to be just still and let it find its own way without direct intervention.

I am having a hard time with mindfulness meditations as I am used of directing the focus directly. Take this from point A to point B. Look at me. I am the move of energy!

I have some work to do. Stay still. Observe. Stillness.

Hope everyone is doing good.



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Pretty intense cravings out of the blue.

Why is this soo hard? And the mind revisionism. Each time I PMO after wards I say to myself. I'd be better off not doing it. Yet. Each time before PMO I forget that. This time will be different. Just this once.

Quality of P is getting better that is not helping as well.

How does the addiction pick the P fantasy. Like from the catalogue of all P it just happens to pick some P that is "perfect" and other doesn't excite me. But just this one P scene out of the blue. Bam. Like a sniper. Headshot.

But I believe that "real" life could never give me as much pleasure as P. Irrational belief. But in my shitty life. When I look back. Not much pleasure in living. Always a struggle with everything.

The good thing in this 1.5 months. I got wake up time in check. A few times in the week I wake up before the alarm clock. At around 6.30. Even a few months ago this looked to be an impossible task for me as I struggled to get out of bed at 9:00. Going to bed time is improving. So this is something.

For the diet change. I put it on hold as I need to figure out some more stuff. But maybe getting diet in order will make some extra changes I need.

On the up side. The wake up time is a quantitate improvement in my life. Just need to keep on doing the changes. The diet one will be a major one.



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Hi EW,

The mechanisms of the addiction is very strong in you and that's why the urges are so present. This will fade with time and is just a normal reaction of the addiction not getting the drug. What is there to say? Not much, in that period it's most of the time not giving in.
My advice: Find everything that contributes to your motivation to go on with hard mode and find out what were you doing when all of a sudden the urges kicked in. What was your state, what have you planned, etc?


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Relapsed. I am not even mad.

Previous relapse. I found this erotic hypnosis HFO audio. It was very much my (P installed) fantasy. I had to try it again. Half way in I lost interest. I finished with a PMO to some P video. Didn't really turned me on that much.

I noticed my brain tried to revise the memory. As if the hfo audio was good. It was not. I lost interest half way in. Maybe it was due to loss of novelty factor. Anyway. HFO audios don't work. Period. Hopefully I have scratched this itch now. It doesn't not work. It is a trap.

What I would like to do differently next time:

Take a step back. Dis-associate with the state of arousal. Yes. This is "me" but it is also not "me". I am in some sense the "awareness" behind the emotions and thoughts. I don't have to associate so strongly with this. It is very hard to do in the moment when the emotions overwhelm.

I asked my intuition what to do: Take an extremely cold shower. It is what the right thing would be.

Not even mad. Wanted to scratch that itch. Now it is scratched. It doesn't work.

What is different is that now the middle and the end phase of PMO don't feel right to me. In the initial stages I trip big time.

Wow. The memory change. As if somebody is rewriting the memory. Again it is happening. I don't consent to memory re-write. The HFO audio did not work. I lost interest half way in.

I have such a sad life. Hard mode. I guess there is a reason why this is called hard mode and not soft mode. I am starting to see the merits of this.

Looking forward to next weekend. I can try this test again. Do I loop again like a broken record or can I break the 1 week mark. Tune in to find out next week.

Next week when this happens. I'll do my best to take a cold shower instead and dis-associate (take a step back) from the emotional body. This is "me" but not "me".

Hope you are all doing better than me.



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I did a couple of depression tests online. Depending on the test and how accurate I am. I get mild to severe depression as a result.

I need to put a focus on this. It is a mixed bag of everything.

On the plus side. I get to have depression.


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Reach out to other people. Isolation fuels depression, so reach out to friends and loved ones, even if you feel like being alone or don?t want to be a burden to others. The simple act of talking to someone face-to-face about how you feel can be an enormous help. The person you talk to doesn?t have to be able to fix you. They just need to be a good listener?someone who?ll listen attentively without being distracted or judging you.

Get moving. When you?re depressed, just getting out of bed can seem daunting, let alone exercising. But regular exercise can be as effective as antidepressant medication in countering the symptoms of depression. Take a short walk or put some music on and dance around. Start with small activities and build up from there.

Eat a mood boosting diet. Reduce your intake of foods that can adversely affect your mood, such as caffeine, alcohol, trans fats, sugar and refined carbs. And increase mood-enhancing nutrients such as Omega-3 fatty acids.

Find ways to engage again with the world. Spend some time in nature, care for a pet, volunteer, pick up a hobby you used to enjoy (or take up a new one). You won?t feel like it at first, but as you participate in the world again, you will start to feel better.

Sounds logical.

Diet. Exercise. Socializing. Fun activities.

Time to start doing something. I'll do my best to start the beef only diet next week.

Socializing. Should figure something out....



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I think it is accurate to say my depression is at the far end of the moderate. Maybe better if I go to some depression related forum. I am half assed with the reboot. I am not yet ready to try the reboot. The best I can do is some single digit streaks. I guess still better than nothing.

Quarter year plan makes a lot of sense. Right now what I need to get in order is:

1) Sleep/wake up.
2) Diet
3) Posture

I am happy with how sleep is progressing. Slow but now I managed to wake a few days in the week before the alarm clock goes off. A month or two ago this was impossible. I got up like at 9.00 or later.

I am feeling a lot of resistance with the diet change. Always findings some excuses.

Posture. Can't say there is any noticeable improvement. But I am getting a little better with staying consistent with the exercises.

Week 34 Report:

PMO: 5x clean days
Wake up: 5x on time
Posture exercises: 5x
Walk in nature: 2x

Plan for next week:

PMO: Try to clock in as many free days as possible.
Wake up: Wake up on time as many days as possible. Get immediately out of bed.
Posture: Do 10 mins of posture exercises every day
Walk in nature: Try do it everyday.

Theme: Diet change. Order the needed cooking supplies and make at least 1 meal.

I'll have Monthly theme, and quarter year themes.

Q3: Wakeup, diet and posture
Q4: Posture, exercise, socializing

August theme: Primary theme diet, secondary theme posture
September theme: primary theme diet, secondary theme posture
October theme: primary theme posture, secondary theme exercise

Will update if needed.

Wish everyone a good week.



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Going trough Viktor Frankl's book. A man's search for meaning.

What I got out of it. Is that you do the best you can in the given circumstances.

Like being an ACA. In some ways some things are unobtainable to me in this life. Like a happy childhood or having a loving bio-parents. This is unfortunate but in the big picture all is good. What the deal is grace under impossible odds. The way the game of life is set up for humanity, the game is un-winnable.

I believe in reincarnation and I also believe in eternal organic life outside the wheel of reincarnation. Human body doesn't need to age like this. We should be able to live for 1000+ years without any artificial technology.

But at the end of this physical life for me. I get to choose a different reality next time. Something much more loving and much less morbid.

Until this happens. The best I can do is grace under impossible odds and prepare everything for my next life.

Old wisdom has this Memento Mori. You are going to die. This doesn't mean that the life is meaningless. But you can just do your best given the circumstances and prepare for a "better" life next time. Something different. Something more loving.

This probably won't make much sense for a lot of people. But hey. I feel much better.

This lifetime isn't about heaving true health and true spiritual evolution but just to prepare the foundation for the next. Until that time it makes a lot of sense to do the best I can.

Treat others how you want to be treated. Be the change you want to see in the world. Etc. This is not meaning less. It transfers to the next life.

As even our modern science say that energy cannot be destroyed. It can only be transformed. It stands to reason that on physical death our consciousness is not destroyed just transformed. I strongly believe now that we get to choose how this is transformed and under which circumstances. Karma counts but not as much as "religion" would have us believe. Our intentions are the most important. Do we do something out of lack of informed consent? If so we are not bound by karma to it. We all get to choose a much more loving reality next time.

Until that time. I'll do the best I can with grace.

Much love


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Got triggered by some fetish fantasy last night.

I convinced myself that this is an artificially installed fantasy. Not totally sure how but it got the job done.

I remember as a kid I got off on pictures of girls in bikini. Like calendar pictures. All the initial P was vanilla. But fetish slowly creeped in. At first it was just an "accidental" download or just curiosity. Then the percent of vanilla vs fetish just changed toward the fetish. The very first P movie I saw as a kid on the old CRT TVs is as vanilla as it gets.

Wish everyone a good week.



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Absolutely. This fetish stuff is so wrong and does so wrong with our brains. It's so good we're here reminding ourselfs, that these fetishes don't belong to us. They belong to the industry.

We are most likely normal people with a normal vanilla idea of intimacy and that is just the right way.


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They belong to the industry.

Thanks bro. So true.

I swinged by a depression related forum. Omg. I see myself in a lot of it. Very sad that people pay good money to psychiatrist yet after years still no major breakthroughs. I looked up some psychiatrists. Wow. Something like 70+ eur per hour. Thanks but no thanks.

My take away from the forums was that...a whole lot of hurt...not a whole lot of solutions.

There needs to be some synthesis of all the different approaches. Looks like I have my work cut out for me. I will become my own psychiatrist.

Viktor Frank. This book. Man's search for meaning. I cannot recommend this book highly enough. I think for depression this is the book to start with.

The ultimate when life gives you lemons you make lemonade.

What man actually needs is not a tensionless state but rather the striving and struggling for some goal worthy of him. What he needs is not the discharge of tension at any cost, but the call of a potential meaning waiting to be fulfilled by him.

Indeed. I would not have wished for an easy life. What got me in despair is that I see the game of life as un-winnable. But it is not about winning. It is about me doing the best I can with what I got. I can do that.



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Day 2 hard mode.

Got triggered. But I imagined myself in the future. Is this who I want to be in the future?

I imagined myself 10 years in the future from now. Happy, healthy and with a loving wife. How does me PMOing today fit in with that? It doesn't.

Wish everyone a good day.

I can either stand up straight and play this un-winnable game of life with grace. Or I can keep on looping in my mind and point fingers and PMO.

I need to reboot. Even if I am not yet ready. Might as well give it my best shot.



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Day 3. Hard mode.

Some thoughts tried to creep in the morning. But I snapped out of it.

What stuck from VF. Is that he said that the people who had the highest % of survival were the ones who were future oriented.

In the morning. I imagined myself in the future. HAHA. All this mindfulness and being in the "Now". I guess is BS for addiction recovery and depression.

When you are walking across the desert of depression, maybe being in the now isn't the best thing. Maybe being in the future is better.

From VF Man's search for meaning.

I remember a personal experience. Almost in tears from pain (I had terrible sores on my feet from wearing torn shoes), I limped a few kilometers with our long column of men from the camp to our work site. Very cold, bitter winds struck us. I kept thinking of the endless little problems of our miserable life. What would there be to eat tonight? If a piece of sausage came as extra ration, should I exchange it for a piece of bread? Should I trade my last cigarette, which was left from a bonus I received a fortnight ago, for a bowl of soup? How could I get a piece of wire to replace the fragment which served as one of my shoelaces? Would I get to our work site in time to join my usual working party or would I have to join another, which might have a brutal foreman? What could I do to get on good terms with the Capo, who could help me to obtain work in camp instead of undertaking this horribly long daily march?

I became disgusted with the state of affairs which compelled me, daily and hourly, to think of only such trivial things. I forced my thoughts to turn to another subject. Suddenly I saw myself standing on the platform of a well-lit, warm and pleasant lecture room. In front of me sat an attentive audience on comfortable upholstered seats. I was giving a lecture on the psychology of the concentration camp! All that oppressed me at that moment became objective, seen and described from the remote viewpoint of science. By this method I succeeded somehow in rising above the situation, above the sufferings of the moment, and I observed them as if they were already of the past. Both I and my troubles became the object of an interesting psychoscientific study undertaken by myself. What does Spinoza say in his Ethics??"Affectus, qui passio est, desinit esse passio simulatque eius claram et distinctam formamus ideam." Emotion, which is suffering, ceases to be suffering as soon as we form a clear and precise picture of it.

I remember watching Assasins' creed movie. That motto: "It is not to ourselves, but to the future that we must give glory". There is some truth to this.

VF did indeed end up standing on the platform of a well-lit, warm and pleasant lecture room.

When you cannot change the situation: you are challenged to change yourself.

I've created a monster with the decades of P use. I cannot remove the P monster with magical thinking overnight. But I do need some attitude adjustment.



At the end of the day. Need to deal with

Past, Present and Future. Any healing modality that just focuses on the one aspect doesn't work.

This explains why mindfulness didn't work for me. It is about integration of past, present and future.


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This is the best thing about change, you can start it just now and benefit from it instantly.

I think of the past only to know where i come from, but think that the past doesn't define me. I define myself by what i do and nothing more. It doesn't help to be a good person deep down the heart, you have to act like one to be one. Changing is now and it's like planting seeds that grow eventually to feed you one day.


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Day 4. Hard mode.

It started to get a bit tough. As I am serious this time. So are the triggers.

It is not to my current self but to my future self that I must hold glory to.

My recovery is about something greater than my current self.

imsor, appreciate the replies. Glad you see it that way.

For me. I am not seeing any benefits. Just a lot of pain. I think in the initial stages of the reboot. I need to be in the future with my mind. The present is not a happy place.

Beautiful take with the seed.

Wish everyone a good day.


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Day 5. Hard mode.

Had a weird P dream. At least it was short. Other than that. Nothing out of the ordinary.

I commit to serve my future self.

It is not to my current wretched self but to my healed future self that I hold glory to.

Found this psychology videos. I think they are very good: