Rebooting trough self-parenting

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
But the beyond mindfulness you speak of sounds ideal
I guess it takes a lot of practice to achieve though?
Lucky for us, we just need to be good enough for it to work for P. You can go a lot further with this in terms of spirituality.

I'd say all of the "masters", Yogananda, Ramana Maharshi, etc, they work with this "Beyond Mindfulness". Realizing the "I AM" as awareness. It is about shifting the whole point of perception. As we can observe the physical body from our mental mind, we can also observe our emotions and thoughts from the mental mind, but it is possible to shift our point of awareness from the mental mind to the spiritual mind. The "I AM" that is behind the whole thinking process. As we are aware of the thinking. What is the "I" that is aware of the thinking?

Spira talks about relaxing into it. One example he gives. If there is a dark room. We can use a flashlight that shines light on objects in the room. But one thing that the flashlight cannot shine a light on is itself. So we in a sense cannot perceive it, but we can relax into it.

Wow. I'd never thought I'd have to level this much up to be able to successfully deal with P addiction. Or maybe this is part of the spiritual growth process.

Will see. Talk is cheap. So far it is getting easier and easier to stay away from P. Both Fetish A and Fetish B that were with me for many years are not now both repulsing. I even make a yuck face if I think about it. Progress.
 
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EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
Coming to a realization that P thoughts and P feelings are going to be around with me for a while - and it is all right - not a big deal.

The wisdom is here to know when to dismiss, when to engage in dialog, when to hold space, etc.

What is working for me is:

1. Acceptance. Accept the P thoughts, P feelings. Letting go of judgement. Letting go of blame. Letting go of where I should have been.
2. Raising awareness - seeing P as part of me but as a small part of me. I am not my thoughts, I am not my feelings, I am the experience the awareness behind this. I don't need to engage with P. What I can engage with is awareness work. So instead of putting attention to P I put more attention to awareness.
3. Holding space - redirecting awareness to the spiritual heart. Still very much in the beginning of this but works beautifully. I don't need to figure it out mentally. I can just shift to my spiritual heart and let the "higher self" figure it out and rearrange my being.
4. Surrender, Trust, Faith, Patience - recovery is on God's time not mine. It will happen when it will happen.

Still refining the system but this are the core components that look to be getting the job done.
 

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
In the morning lots of P thoughts/scenes came up. Well, not a big deal. Still there are some P scenes floating around.

I am just going to live with this. Sooner or later they will become less and less. This is just the body intelligence saying (among other things) - Hey dude, do you still want this? How about some of this? What do you say?

I say thanks, but no thanks, all good, no hard feelings, leave when you want.

Removing resistance is very important in my experience. Resisting what comes up brings even more resistance.
 

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
The key with acceptance in my view is able to hold space - to have something to ground too. Other-wize it gets overwhelming and very scary.

If you just become mindful of your emotions and thoughts - if you are observing your depression as the depressed self - you are not going to have a good time.

What works in my experience is grounding to the spiritual heart, so I am not observing this from the identity of the P addict self but from a much greater self.
 

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
Going Captain Obvious but P thoughts are here to stay. Nothing shameful, nothing to be guilty off.

Driving a car. A P thought comes up. Not a big deal. Writing an email a P thought comes up. Not a big deal. Walking in a park a P thought comes up. Not a big deal.

Accept. Acknowledge. Relax. Allow. Move on. I am now totally fine with this. It is what it is. No shame or guilt in this. P thoughts are going to be with me for a while. On some days a lot more than on some other days.

If I try to fight it. Oh. I don't want to have P thoughts. I am in conflict with myself. It is very draining. And just makes me tired and ultimately leads to relapse due to exhaustion.

Allowance, and acceptance make things so much easier, and a whole lot less draining energetically. And guess what. The P thoughts go away rather quickly. Before you know it... the P thoughts are gone and I am back doing whatever I was doing.

There there is the P based lustful sexual bliss/ecstasy feeling. Again, no resistance. Just acknowledge. Hold space if needed. It goes away.

So basically in terms of P. There is the sexual lustful bliss feeling and P based thoughts. Accept and hold space for this looks like to be doing the trick.
 

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
Orthogonal to pornography. The male body wants to make kids with as many (attractive) women as possible. This is my understanding at the moment. I'd say this is the principle behind the Coolidge effect.

On the species level -> the male body wants to make kids with as many women as possible. And women want to have kids with a man who they find has strong genes. Absolutely nothing wrong with this.

I am on some FB group for yoga/spirituality/meditation etc. Some very attractive dance instructor posted something at the group.

I get a bit turned on. My body wants to have sex with her. Nothing wrong with this. It is what it is. I accept, acknowledge this. No fighting. No resistance to life. But then just let it be. Hold space. Then the impulse goes away. No longer does the body want to have sex with her. It is just a body sensation/impulse. I can act on it or just hold space for it. No guilt, no shame.

Apart from the body being very interested in making kids. Nothing wrong with appreciating beauty. I ended up watching some short vides of the dance instructor - group dance choreography. I could just enjoy it in a non-lustful way. The instructor and the rest of the group have some very nice dance skills. Kudos to this. I just enjoyed the dance performance without being lustful / wanting to have sex / impregnate the screen. It actually felt nice to be able to enjoy some females dancing on the screen without going into lust meltdown. Felt normal.

So I guess I am starting to meet my objectives of what I want to achieve regarding P recovery.

o) find some system that requires low power / doesn't require a lot of willpower / can work in HALT state
o) don't get in meltdown when exposed to some attractive females on the screen

I don't miss P. I don't miss PMOing. I don't miss trying to impregnate the screen.

Speaking of appreciating beauty. There was this article of 19 year old native american activist / model in the main stream news. I just appreciated beauty in the pictures. Wow, she sure is very beautiful and moved on. This actually feels normal to me. It feels like it works in a non life rejecting way.

I think this whole recovery and in general health it is about finding balance and put
o) Body
o) Emotions
o) Thoughts
o) Spirituality

in alignment with each other. Rejecting the body needs and desires is rejecting of life. If the physical body finds some other bodies attractive who am I to reject this? Obviously not taking this out of context. At the same time not acting on body impulses is very much aligned and at the same time not rejecting them is also important.

In terms of MO and O. I'd actually like to explore this some more. But ... I am seeing MO (either sensation only or light vanilla fantasy) again as an energetic drain and net energy loss. Doesn't feel like it is in alignment.

But as mentioned. Apart from PMO don't really have much experience at all with exploring sexuality outside P. So the last MO I did. The O felt a whole lot different than PMO. Felt a whole lot less exciting. Felt a bit plain. As in eating an apple vs eating a chocolate cake.

I'll see how far I'll go with abstinence from MO.
 
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EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
Forgot about May 1st.

May report:
1st - light MO session (vanilla, sensation only, 5-10 min)
5th - M exploration (1-2 hours?)
6th - MO exploration (got limp for vanilla, 5-10 min morning)

Like mentioned don't miss P.

In terms of MO. Like mentioned I'd like to explore this some more outside screen. Outside P. I did it a few times. I'll probably do it a few more times. To get some experience how it is to explore myself sexually without P.
 

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
Went to visit my grandmother at the retirement home. Picked up some crossword puzzle magazine, turned a few pages...boom...some articles about sex, some pictures of women with very little clothing. Great!

Relax, Accept, Redirect focus. Not a big deal.
 

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
Tweaking my system.

Relax (deep breath, tense and relax shoulders), Accept (everything is valid, don't resist life), Discern (raise awareness, dis-identify with the thoughts), Redirect (to the spiritual heart).

Will see how this will work. The MO is a bit of an excuse and I consider it a bit gray area. At a minimum I'd prefer to keep MO to at least double digits.

Onwards and upwards!
 

Phineas 808

Respected Member
Removing resistance is very important in my experience. Resisting what comes up brings even more resistance.

There are several excellent thoughts and concepts above, EW- many of which resonate with me either in my own experiences and/or philosophies.

This particular concept of non-resistance is so, so important I've found, and am finding in my relationship with social media in terms of content and users, as well as in amount of usage. Will comment more on this in my latest journal post tomorrow, Lord willing.

The spiritual heart, too, is also a very important concept- especially as grounds us, focuses us, and energizes us. Seeing things from this center, from this place helps us to engage life 'with heart', with love, and with that inner wisdom.

Peace.
 

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
2 year anniversary of this journal is coming up. 2020 - May - 24.

Feeling / processing sadness.

In my understanding now, P can be used

A. Coping mechanisms for unprocessed emotional trauma / Coping mechanism for stress -> in my view this is coming from psycho-emotional issues
B. A hijack of the need for intimacy / procreation -> unhealthy ways of meeting human needs
C. "Bad habit" / Addiction without deep psycho-emotional and/or human needs issues

Doing well in terms of P. The system I have made up with works like a charm.

Like peeling an onion. It looks like I no longer get overwhelmed by P. There is still the MO. For now I'll try to MO less. MO is starting to become less and less interesting anyway.

Everyone's first experience of love is the love they receive from their mother and from their father and from the atmosphere of the love that exists between their mother and father in infancy.

Now making a 2 year circle. Coming back to this. For my infancy, early childhood, my father was away most of the time, I have very little memories of him. Somewhat similar with my mother in infancy/early childhood.

This is messing me up still in adulthood quite a lot. Feeling this disconnection. Never really having any experience of what it feels like to be loved. Never really having any sense of what a healthy family feels like.

My title is spot on for what is helpful for me to focus on self-parenting, or maybe the term re-parenting can be used.

Since I am here in this world, might as well re-engage with the world. Do my best to try and feel connected, try to feel the love.

Ironically, all of the love is already here, everything, all of the abundance, it is just the filters of my human self that are messing everything up.

Filtered trough my experience and lack of experience and societal and family conditioning.

I am not interested in blame. I would want things to be different. But the only place we can make change and change is possible is in the now moment.

I want to feel love. So I will focus on this. But instead of trying to find it on the outside. I will try to find it on the inside. If I am the master of my thoughts and emotions. This means I should be able to just feel love.

Well, ironically, if I really want to master love and really know what it is about, then maybe having this abandonment / neglect theme from infancy is the way to go - I'll get to reimagine, rediscover love from scratch. Quite a challenge.

Also this P has no doubt blackened my heart some more.

So this next phase is about re-engaging with the world and finding the love within.

The journey is never ending, onwards and upwards!

EW
 

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
Yesterday evening was doing my meditation, then sometime before the end, got bombarded with P scenes and some P sexual bliss feelings.

Ok, I trained for this for a while now. Relax! Accept! Allow yourself to just relax. All is well. All is good. No worries bro, you got this.

Then I just cycle Dis-identify, Discern, Disengage, Diss, Don't react, Don't give it energy, and from beginning, Dis-Identify, Discern, Disengage,... a few round of this then

Recenter, Refocus to the spiritual heart, let the spiritual hear rebalance your being, let it rearrange your thoughts and feelings.

Works like a charm. It does take a little bit of discipline and also not getting outside the center, getting entices with the sexual lust bliss feelings. This is where the D words (Discern, Disengage, Dis-identify) cycle helps a lot not to loose focus and losing myself in sexual lust bliss feelings.

Happy with this.

EW
 

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
Will see how my current version of the system will hold up.

Cycle 2 - D words (Discern, Disengage, Dis-identify, Don't react)
Cycle 3 - R words (Recenter, Realign, Refocus, to the spiritual heart), wait for Rebalancing with the spiritual heart.
 

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
Bombarded with P. The system works. The D-cycle was able to dis-empower the P.

But close call. Dopamine rush, wanting it. There is a very thin line between holding space for the body to process P and rebalance the brain chemistry and falling for it and wanting more of it.

the P scenes are sometimes associated with strong sensations of sexual lust bliss feelings that are hard to hold space for in neutrality. Not wanting more of it.

Going back and forth between the D and R cycle looks to be working. I am able to catch myself before falling off the bike. It is a bit of a wobble at times.

Just amazed how many P scenes are stored in me. No need to watch P any longer I am set for life. Haha. Today got a bit surprised as some P scenes came up I used to watch while in high school. Wow going like 20 years back.

It is what it is.

Onwards and upwards brothers!

EW
 

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
Doing well in terms of P. This morning was a whole lot less intense. The P scenes that are coming up have a whole lot loss emotional impulse associated so it is easy to refocus the mind.

I'd speculate that there being less sexual bliss lust impulse is associated with me being able to hold to some minimally proficient level space when this emotions come up without engaging with them.

Basically me say. Yes, I accept the PMO energy/frequency but I don't want it anymore. I'll just hold space for this energy to be released trough witnessing (this includes feeling the sexual lust bliss emotions in the body).

Looks like the system works. I remember when I started with urge surfing I said it doesn't work. Then I had some small successes here and there with it. Refining the system some more and some more. Looks like I've found what works.

But it is very hard to just in a sense "ignore" the sexual bliss feeling and just hold neutrality. But it is getting better.

Talk is cheap. Will see how far I'll go.

Wishing everyone well

EW
 

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
Wow. Had a stand-off with the arousal emotions, this sexual bliss ecstasy feelings that I am talking about for awhile now.

I won. I was able to hold space for this without wanting more of it.

Extremely counter intuitive. Not wanting more of sexual bliss and ecstasy feeling.

You don't want it? NO.

Parts of me still want it. But like a democracy, the people who vote against are now starting to get a small majority and with time, more of the "I AM" will be in Not wanting sexual lustful bliss ecstasy energy/frequency.

I tuned into it. The frequency of sexual bliss lust, it feels artificial to me, almost organic to me, but not quite. Just misses the mark for a tiny bit. Feels like an overlay. Like this would be what I want but not really.

Do I want to PMO or MO to some images either on the screen or in my mind about some fetish or even vanilla stuff? While vanilla stuff is great improvement over fetish stuff. Still, it is imaginary. It is all in the head....But it feels great in the moment. That high.

But the frequency itself while it produces "the high",

1. it passes, it is not forever, it can be sustained for minutes to hours at most, then it just dissipates, so it is temporary - while the "I AM" is permanent
2. it is not all that great, it is fake, it is not life sustaining but life depleting

Great that the weather has improved. Becoming hotter. I imagine I am going to get some cold chills and stuff like that.

I am serious with the reboot. Been thinking I don't need to MO at all.

I can keep my life simple. It sure feels like a good idea to just forget about porn, sex, sexual lust, etc for a few months. Keep it simple.

Moving on.

In terms of hardest self mastery lessons, being able to hold space for sexual lust energy is the biggest one by far. I am still a bit wobbly with it but looks like stable enough to get trough some high waves.

Getting comfortable with feeling the lust without needing to

1. fight it - actively try to dismiss it, negate it, it just produces more resistance, (super easy to do this for me)
2. give more to it - wanting to feel more of it, I still at times dip a little into this but then I am able to recognize this and re-center myself. (I am still struggling a little bit but for the most part it is not longer overpowering me)

3. the optimal, what works - just observe/feel in neutrality (with preferences, preferences are quite all right), hold space for lust, then it just dissipates and the frequency of lust collapses.
4. the other optimal (need wisdom to know when it applies) - refocus onto something else, sometimes this works sometimes holding space is needed.

Onwards and upwards brothers!

EW
 

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
1 month no Porn viewing! Yeah! I don't miss it.

Day 8 nofap.

I can now explain what the essence of reboot is for me in one sentence:

"It is all about being able to hold space for P frequency without getting caught up in it."

Wishing everyone well, have a great weekend.

EW
 

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
Speaking of P frequency.

Was visiting my grandma at the retirement home today. Helped set up a new TV for her as the old one was malfunctioning.

Channel 1 - some drama. Then the grandma puts in some channel at random and ... you guessed it ... a full on sexy music video, very lustful energy ... boom, could feel the P frequency right away, but again... You trained for this bro, you got this, pat myself on the back. Accept, Relax, just hold space for this....and I am free. I could observe the P frequency without wanting more of it.

If you want to find the secrets of the universe, think in terms of energy, frequency and vibration.” Nikola Tesla.

No more of this BS.

Surfs up, brothers. We got this.

EW
 
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