Rebooting trough self-parenting

EarthWalker

Respected Member
Ended up MOing to sensation only. No shame, no guilt. It is what it is. Happy that I managed to do it with 0% P thoughts and keeping it focus on the body. Also felt release. Also the body felt good after. The pressure is released.

Weirdly enough. Now I am having urges to watch P. They are pretty strong but there is low sexual energy present. So it is not a big deal to stay away from P. But wow. The strength of the urges to watch P is pretty strong. Quite unexpected.

But as mentioned now many times before. I always get caught in P when my sexual energy is high.

The journey continues. The obstacle is the way. I will keep on trying until the lesson is mastered.
 

Phineas 808

Moderator
Staff member
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Hi, EW!

I like how you said, "No shame and no guilt"- this is the way. Be compassionate with yourself, understanding, and radically accepting.

You'll do well. And, as you said, you will keep trying until the lesson is mastered.

Wishing you well, and a good October.
 

EarthWalker

Respected Member
Ended up peeking some P. Stopped myself. It didn't even turn me on that much. I felt out of place.

Ended up with another MO.

Then when I was in bed. Some P scene started to nag me again.

I got up. Dressed. Then meditated on just holding space for this to be transmuted. It got the job done. Then went back to bed.

I have a very simple meditation space next to my bed. I can see the value of having a dedicated meditation space. Side point.

What I could have done differently is. Instead of peeking I could have gone to meditation right away.

As for the MO. The male body really wants to have sex. It is a physiological need. No shame or guilt regarding this. It is how the body is designed.

Ideally we would all be in loving relationships where we can safely explore sexuality. Sadly for some of us this is not the case. Not not a big deal. For now. I'll use MO. I'll keep working on myself and soon enough I'll find someone.

I don't believe in casual sex. No judgement. Whatever works for people. Also seeing like an escort I find not the way I'd like to meet my need for sex. As I'd like there to be some sort of a deeper connection with the person I have sex with. Maybe I am being too much of an idealist.

In any case P and pixels is not the way to go about.

The journey continues.
 

Phineas 808

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Staff member
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I felt out of place.

This is typically how I'll feel as well. I know that I'm in a 'foreign land' when I'm browsing for the 'perfect clip', and why? Because it's truly not my nature..! There are theological or soteriological reasons for this, but truly, truly- even in the heat of the moment, it feels so 'not me', that this isn't for me, this isn't my 'home', not my nature, not who I really am... Mind you, sometimes I do 'feel' that it's my home, that that place is where I 'belong', almost as if it were a nurturing mothering whore (lol...), as sexy women have always been presented to me, even as of a child, to be the answer for my deep pain and trauma- but this is all illusions from the lower brain coaxing me. But when you try to 'grab the sandwhich' in your dream, so to speak, you only wake up hungry- invariably.

Just as you hold space in meditation, hold space in terms of compassion for whatever actions you acted on toward P. We can always 'should' on ourselves, but what happened happened, and you'll be in a better space if you just have compassion and not judge what occurred.

Be well, brother.
 

EarthWalker

Respected Member
Came across this statement that the full and new moon just amplify what is already there. It makes sense to me.

MOed over the weekend not a big deal, but did watch some P so that is not the best.

Right now I am just focusing on putting more good stuff in my life. Like going to yoga class. I like it. Also need to change my diet. Less sugars and more vegetables. Stuff like this.
 

EarthWalker

Respected Member
It is what it is. I PMOed yesterday.

Then in the evening while I was in the middle of PMO. I get a text from an acquaintance that I have big respect for. They invited me to some event. I immediately sobered up. PMO aborted. If this person would see what I was doing. It is not really about shame or guilt. Just that they reminded me of how much more I could be. This is the real sad part - lost potential. Just like in chess, I mind the most the time I lose a game when I know I could have done a better job. Not living up to my potential this is the sad part.

So this is a new experience. Aborting PMO.

In the morning. Strong chaser. Ended up again with a PMO session. But then I took a little step back. Became mindful of any shame and any guilt. Release this. I allow myself to enjoy P. Do my best to go beyond any judgements. To go beyond what is "good" and what is "bad". Doing my best to try and release any self-judgement that I am a bad person for PMOing. I allow myself to experience PMO with acceptance and compassion. This is all right. Relax. Something remarkable happened. I just lost interest in the PMO session and moved on with the day.

Holding space - being receptive of the experience without judgement, not forcing an outcome. If the body wants to PMO I will honor the choice.

This is a bit of a paradox. In not forcing the body to override the need to PMO. In not forcing that PMO is bad. In not judging myself or the body. In not shaming the body for liking PMO. In not shaming P. In just relaxing and letting the experience to unfold. Ironically or paradoxically the body intelligence can make the best decisions - which is not to PMO.

Thank you for reading

EW
 

Phineas 808

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
Good job on the aborting the PMO session! The text brought you into a mindful state where you had a contrast between what was ideal (your higher potential) and fantasy, mindlessness (if you will).

I like the non-judgmental part, and neither fighting nor feeding the urges. They certainly pass on their own, and become 'sticky' when we fight, resist, judge ourselves, give it too much attention, etc...

You deserve to be your truest and most authentic self, as that's where your true freedom and fulfillment comes from.

Wishing you the best.
 

EarthWalker

Respected Member
I am wondering. Is this it? Just don't do P. Face life?

It looks like this is what it comes to. Either I can just sit with the frustration of not having sexual needs met or I can go with quick fix - P. Is this how recovery works? Being able to accept that for some time period e.g. 6 months to a few years - I will be more uncomfortable without using P? But then it gets way better. Is this it?

Is this the whole trick - being able to hold space for being uncomfortable and frustrated with life without seeking short temporary relief in P? Don't pleasure hack ourselves from facing uncomfortable stuff?

Well I can give myself a challenge. Hold space for sexual frustrations for 3 months and then re-evaluate the quality of my life. Do I feel physically and mentally better after 3 months without P?

I remember going 2 times something like 90 days without P. One of the most frustrating time of my life. The entire time felt like from a scene from a horror movie. Me running down the road while there is someone running after me with a knife or a chainsaw. Not the best.

This time around I have better tools, worked on myself with psychology and multidimensionally. Will see.

Practically every day. I ask myself. Is this it? Just deal with life?

To be continued...
 

EarthWalker

Respected Member
Didn't search for this video, it just came up. Love the message of just being normal - average.

trigger warning, he does put in some pictures of women so be warned, listen audio only if feel like watching this.

 

EarthWalker

Respected Member
I think this is 1 month no P for me. At the back of my mind I am still just like. Huh? Is this it? Well. Keep on walking the walk I guess.

I've done 4 MOs since. I just try to relax as much as possible and try my best to be in the body instead of the brain. I find it helpful to release sexual tension. Not ideal. But feel like this is the best option under the circumstances. I will also not pressure myself to decrease MO frequency.

Keep on surfing everyone. We got this.
🏄‍♂️☀️
 
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