And now for the test.
Got an email from some P website (it is like a big store for various amateur content creators to share their P), like you received a private message from this person.
Ok. Here we go. Did my best to relax. Radical Self-Acceptance. Radical Self-Ownership. And Radical Self-Connection. Ftw.
I could have just like deleted the email. I will delete my account there.
Come to the site. Some P left right and center. Got a little aroused. But I just reminded myself to relax. Don't tense up. Accept. Take ownership of your thoughts and emotions. And lately I am focusing on connecting with my heart. It is making a big difference.
I value honesty. So I will not like write that I was like a "zen" or "stoic" monk I want right to the delete account page. But I did quite briefly browse around. Really briefly. A little aroused but a bit appalled at the same time. This feels like a "meat" market. There is no "love" and "connection" here just pure "lust". I do not want this even thought I accept it is arousing me. Not as much arousing as it did before. Maybe the arousal was a 3.5 out of 10. Before it would be like 8 out of 10.
To bad I didn't time myself. Ok. I can check the emails they are still in the trash box. I've deleted the emails from the site. They get put in this trash bin on the email site. I didn't empty it.
I received the location confirmation email at 2:00 PM. The email doesn't track seconds could be 30 seconds past the minute mark. I had to click on confirmation email as the site said I am logging in from an unknown location and they need to verify it. Ok.
Then I braced myself, wow, looking back, I think I could do some psychology preparations before jumping in. I just jumped right in.
I was figuring out where to find the private messages, obviously they design the site a little bit this way so when you click on the private message you don't jump right into the message. Anyway. Also I spent a little time in the help section looking for how to delete the account. It was surprisingly easy to find. Anyway.
Pressed the delete account button after a little browsing around and exited the site. Anyway. Got the delete account email at 14:09 PM.
So around 9 minutes in total on the site. I guess not to bad. Feeling a little aroused. Will see if I will manage. Overall. Not too bad.
The message was literally "Hi, how are you?". I am thinking a few different things. But bottom line what does she want? She wants $$$ and my sexual energy. If I masturbate to her image, I believe in a way she is receiving my energy or at least something somewhere is receiving my energy. As thoughts are energy. We are like a radio. Sending radio waves with our thoughts.
Lol. I am getting thoughts. Hey, maybe you can become friends with her? Come on. Be friendly. See, she is just trying to be friends.
Wtf. Seriously dude? How delusional do I have to be to believe this? I had to check her location. From Russia. Wtf. She is somehow magically going to fall for me and going to leave Russia to come and live with me. Lol. The crazy stories and thoughts that come up in my mind.
For now I choose to just connect with my heart and my soul essence. Will go from there.
Will sit on this. Allow space. Non-judgement, acceptance, etc. Do the polarity synthesis method. I kinda like this name now better. As mindfulness is more general. With polarity synthesis, the function is more pronounced.
On the left side I have this magical thinking, oh some attractive girl from Russia is interest from you, go chat with her, while theoretically we might become friends but this is highly improbable, what is more high probable is that she is "working" me for $$$ and energy, so on the right I have what I truly want purity, pure connection first with my heart center and then with an authentic and loving partner. I chose to reserve my sexual energies for a true loving partner. So I can hold both of this ideas at the same time and observe.
A bit longer post than expected. Will let you guys know how the day and tomorrow went. Will I relapse or not. Will I be back on the site? I find this a great test.
What I love about this is that we get as many chances as it takes to get this right.
Much love to you all, wish you well.
EW