Rebooting trough self-parenting

Phineas 808

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
Coming to terms with the fact that we are sexual beings was/is so important in my own journey. This was especially true in my hyper-moralistic background.

Equally important to seeing ourselves as sexual beings (as well as spiritual beings) is that females manifest or express sexuality differently than does the male gender. Because so many men expect women to be 'out there' as much as they are. Women are just as sexual, but it projects or presents differently as you noted above.

Well done, EW!
 

EarthWalker

Respected Member
Thank you brothers. Love that we are all figuring out what really works in the recovery and making progress.

Also rather recently came across this website. I think it has some good materials.

Onwards and upwards!
EW
 

EarthWalker

Respected Member
There is something attractive about not being needy around women and not being needy general. But just doing my own thing. I wouldn't call it confidence per se. But just being like self-contained.

Was on some Zoom about meditation with mostly women. Anyway. So there was this attractive girl talking about sex with her partner and some multi-dimensional aspects. Was 0% jealous, 0% turned on. Doing my own thing. Wishing her all the best and much joy, love and happiness with her partner. I guess it is confidence. Like I know I will find a girl. I will find my peace, love, joy and happiness. In a way this is something that I am finding within. The external will meet me soon enough.

Also went to yoga class today. Felt quite at peace and comfortable in class. Focused on the exercises and this is it. Didn't linger around either. Get the exercises done and go home. Life is much simpler this way. And I'd say better. Less neediness, less of this lack consciousness.

Onwards and upwards
EW
 

EarthWalker

Respected Member
Doing well. Crossed Day 10 with some sexual energy build up. I was sort of able to hold space for this energy without getting sucked more into it. There is room for improvement. But I was 100% committed not to want more of the lust sexual energy. I said NO. There is authentic sexual energy that is to exist between a man and a woman. And authentic sexual energy flowing throughout the body. And then there is the inorganic, virus of lust that hijacks this and wants to mate with some pixels --- but indeed it feels very good. This is why P is so hard to quit. In the mind controlled moment it feels very good - then it doesn't.

Saying no to lust pleasure is something that is taking me a whole lot of time. Being able to hold space for this is quite difficult. This is probably the hardest skill for me to become proficient at - is to just hold space for lust to be processed by the body.

One moment I am feeling some medium-to-high sexual urges to some girl, then the next I am thinking about my day. Progress. I didn't get caught up in wanting to feel more of the sexual urges/pleasure to build.

Stay awesome everyone! 🏄‍♂️ ⛵
EW
 

EarthWalker

Respected Member
Had a P dream. I caught myself and woke up.

This is the hardest issue with P is to separate the enmeshed sexual energy with the pixels. I have conditioned my sexual energy with the pixels.

But my awareness is increasing. I find it easier yet still hard to not get caught up in wanting more of the sexual bliss feeling.

After waking up from the P dream, felt horny, but not wanting more of this feeling, I noticed myself soon enough thinking about my day and not about P.

This dis-associating of my own legit, valid, innate sexual energy and the pixels, porn, lust, inorganic virus. This is quite a challenge. Probably the biggest challenge I have faced in my life so far. So insidious and bellow the radar. But my radar and awareness is getting better.

Onwards and upwards!
EW

☀️ ⛵ 🏄‍♂️
 

EarthWalker

Respected Member
It is possible to put our attention inward. What the guys like Ramana Maharshi were talking about.

With P and sexual stuff. It is so easy and conditioned to have this attention flow outward. Connect with some pixels. But it is possible to reverse this flow inward. Connect with the inner self.

EW
 

EarthWalker

Respected Member
Getting better at dealing with the sexual energy build up. I'll probably need to MO or something. But...

I am finding it easier to discern what is my own energy and what is this pixel virus. I don't want pixel virus orgasm.

Wow. This might be pretty major. I don't want O from P. What I do want is for my sexual energy to flow trough my system and nourish it.

I am OK not getting O. O feels good but... what feels better is feeling happy, joyful at peace and happy.
 

Phineas 808

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
It is possible to put our attention inward. What the guys like Ramana Maharshi were talking about.

P-thoughts, as we may call them, are akin to Maharishi's 'i-thought' if we think about it. P-thoughts may not exist, or have no reason to persist if there were no i-thought, or rather, if we didn't identify with, i-thought.

Blessings.
 

EarthWalker

Respected Member
September was interesting. I MO'ed in the beginning of the month. It took the pressure of wanting to PMO. Then I applied to much pressure on myself wanting to go noFap which resulted in some P watching, then just PM and then finally PMO on the 17th Sept.

Somewhat smooth sailing form the 17th Sept to today. 0% P watching. So it is around 15 clean days now.

Now this sexual "pressure" is becoming high. This is where I trip 100% of the time. When the sexual energy builds up. Some P scenes are coming up. My body wants to release. I am trying to hold space for the P scenes to be transmuted. It is an interesting experience. Feels like I am getting further than I have come before.

Wow the P is quite engrained in the physical body - unsurprisingly with decades of P programming. Now I want to be able to hold space for this to be released from the body without further enmeshing in P. This is quite a challenge.

Like I shared before. Holding space for negative emotions I am finding quite straightforward without any hiccups. But holding space for P scenes. This is quite another level of difficulty.

I just meditated / hold space for some P scene, now I am here writing this post. The P scene no longer bothers me. But this sexual build up is still very strong.

If it will escalate I"ll MO without shame and guilt. This is the preferable yet less than ideal choice over loosing my mind over staying away from P and MO and then caving in and PMOing.

Ideal would be having loving sex with a loving partner.
Maybe also possible for the sexual energy to lovingly flow throughout my body without any P thoughts?

But what is reality here and now with the level of P conditioning is that.
I can continue doing my best to stay away from P, reaffirm that I'd like my sexual energy to lovingly flow throughout my body and nourish it. If this becomes too much. I am going to MO - ideally to sensation only - being in my body - to release the sexual tension.

In worst case, still better to MO to memory of P scene than to PMO with eyes locked to the hypnotic screen.
 
Top