Heyy guys I'm excited my journey to quit my addiction led me here, I've gone through some of the posts here and I find the both educational and encouraging. Thanks to kopp for showing me how to create a journal. I choose the topic 'butterflies' because it is a symbol of happiness to me.
Here is my struggle, I've been hooked on Porn and Masturbation for 10 years now, before then P and M were just words I use to hear, then they became worlds that I was lost in, through these times I've had to be deceitful to hide and cover up my actions so that I don't get into problems with my family and friends, I lied about my tiredness, procrastination and lethargy, I felt ashamed of how they will look at me if I came out clean and I still do, yet my addiction was clearly the cause problems no matter how I tried to cover it up. I was raised In a religious home so the guilt I felt was more. I felt pleasure while I engaged in the act, but the guilt, shame, tiredness and sadness afterwards was more, I've tried to quit on my own but the relapse was disappointing. I also developed a habit of using alcohol so this made easier for me to watch P and M freely, I started having issues with alcohol use too namely, hangovers, stomach ulcers, loosing control and making irrational decisions.
I recently moved away from home and the consequences of my addiction became even more glaring, I began to slip up at work and make serious mistakes, my boss could notice my lack of initiative, an unwillingness to learn, my deceit, social anxiety, low self esteem. I have been threatened to be fired die to my inability to perform properly at my duties. My addiction has also caused distance with my family members due to the fact that I'm always isolated and prefer to be alone.
I have taken a decision to quit porn, masturbation and alcohol, I have made a plan to change the people, places and things that make it easy for me to use. I have been 10 days clean, and I don't know how challenging it is going to get, but I am going to take one step at a time. I'm also using the '12-steps' used by alcoholic anonymous as a recovery guide and several other helpful resources i got from a rehab.
Sorry for the lengthy post, thank you for this platform, one day at a time, I will cultivate my garden, and my 'butterflies' will settle on my shoulder.
Here is my struggle, I've been hooked on Porn and Masturbation for 10 years now, before then P and M were just words I use to hear, then they became worlds that I was lost in, through these times I've had to be deceitful to hide and cover up my actions so that I don't get into problems with my family and friends, I lied about my tiredness, procrastination and lethargy, I felt ashamed of how they will look at me if I came out clean and I still do, yet my addiction was clearly the cause problems no matter how I tried to cover it up. I was raised In a religious home so the guilt I felt was more. I felt pleasure while I engaged in the act, but the guilt, shame, tiredness and sadness afterwards was more, I've tried to quit on my own but the relapse was disappointing. I also developed a habit of using alcohol so this made easier for me to watch P and M freely, I started having issues with alcohol use too namely, hangovers, stomach ulcers, loosing control and making irrational decisions.
I recently moved away from home and the consequences of my addiction became even more glaring, I began to slip up at work and make serious mistakes, my boss could notice my lack of initiative, an unwillingness to learn, my deceit, social anxiety, low self esteem. I have been threatened to be fired die to my inability to perform properly at my duties. My addiction has also caused distance with my family members due to the fact that I'm always isolated and prefer to be alone.
I have taken a decision to quit porn, masturbation and alcohol, I have made a plan to change the people, places and things that make it easy for me to use. I have been 10 days clean, and I don't know how challenging it is going to get, but I am going to take one step at a time. I'm also using the '12-steps' used by alcoholic anonymous as a recovery guide and several other helpful resources i got from a rehab.
Sorry for the lengthy post, thank you for this platform, one day at a time, I will cultivate my garden, and my 'butterflies' will settle on my shoulder.
