The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

harpoon

Well-Known Member
Hi All.

I've been here before, I thought I had this beat and WHAM.

Anyway today is rock bottom. I feel like a fraud, I am a fraud. I don't know who I am anymore.
 

Andrew1973

Active Member
Hi Harpoon - nice to meet you, and I hope you're feeling a bit better than when you wrote that last post. I can see you've been around here for quite a while and have read some of your journals. You seem to have had some really successful periods - well done on those. Rather than us all picking though your past posts and journals and trying to build up a picture of you, it would be great to hear a summary about where you are in your journey right now. What's worked well for you in the past, where do you come unstuck, what are your emotional triggers etc? I understand the forum is a little quiet at the moment from guys that have been around longer than me (maybe a covid thing?) but there will still be plenty here that want to try and help, plus I'm sure that you've got some experiences to share with us that will be helpful. Cheers.
 

Rookie

Active Member
I'm not on here as much as I would like, mainly to support the brothers struggling. However, that being said, as UK mentioned, there are quite a few people here ready to support you. Keep posting, daily in the beginning of your venture...I'm closing in on day 90, and I only post weekly (mostly cause my days are so freaking busy, I don't have time).

There can be a victory, you just have to want it bad enough. And trust me, it's worth it.
 

harpoon

Well-Known Member
Thank you for the response Ukguy and Rookie ;)

  I'm 41 now, but at the age of 36 I googled depression, mood swings, insomnia and porn. That google search landed me here at rebootnation. I never thought I had an addiction, but I knew there had to be side effects which was my main concern.

So I quit porn for 2 months, relapsed, quit hardmode two months, felt awesome to be fair, then I gradually stubbled over the mess I was making in my life as in hindsight I should have took the time to reboot rather than try to just get laid.

Eventually porn was numero uno once again.

  The worse thing I find about this addiction is that you become lost within yourself. The last couple of weeks I look at myself in the mirror and wonder who I am and what us the point of life.

I guess this is a step forward.







 

harpoon

Well-Known Member
So today I made two-days!

I was driving in my car the other day, having desperate thoughts, I won't bore you with the details, but I said to myself out loud "what the f**k do you have to lose" "fn nothing."

Just even to gain some energy back, I just needed a break, I'm not worried about anything else atm. So for two days I had no energy and basically no personality, I felt indifferent about life.

But today, after a shit day at work, I made myself go for a run....well holy shit, I ran the furthest I have ran in about 3months and I gave it socks, it felt great and very different. My energy was came back, I felt strong and I couldn't get enough of the hill reps. Lifeforce. I felt great for the rest of the night.

I forgot how good it feels to have that energy.




 

J01

Active Member
Maybe you gained new insights and motivation-sometimes a perspective shift is useful.  I can relate to work having good and bad days!  Keep going and keep running!  Being clean provides its own energy.
 

harpoon

Well-Known Member
I guess the addiction has pretty much taken over, but sometimes I can manage a thought or two and today I realised how addicted I have become. It's like a secret life that comes to life at night or when I find myself on my own.

During the day I work hard, try to train hard but tbh I am exhausted and am on the edge.

I kinda play a character to get through life. I'm known for always being in a good mood and being positive. Behind it all I have struggled to make it through the day.

  My porn addiction.... I can edge to porn for 2 - 3 hours per night, 7 nights per week. Easy. I have all my favourites,  I can hop from one seen to the next until I find the "perfect" scene.

Anyway it's all old news. Novelty is king.

But I guess there is always a choice and I can always walk away.
 

mr.slurps

Active Member
Hi Harp,  I was one of the regular posters here until I hit the skids for most of July. What a lousy month it was for me. Because of the great guys on this forum I've been able to avoid complete despair. (It has gotten close.)
Some of these guys are real "pros" and have long streaks and wisdom to show for it. 
I'm the other end of the spectrum. I have big relapses and short streaks.
 

TheNorman

Active Member
Oh man Harpoon, the "playing a character" thing hits so close to home. Then there's the resentment when you just don't feel like dancing for them, like you're letting them down. You need to give yourself permission to be upset. You have permission to not put on a fake smile and when someone asks what's wrong you don't have to say anything, or you can say "I'm struggling right now". People struggle, they fall down, they make mistakes. My whole life I've felt the same way, that I'm a big phoney that puts on an act. The problem with the act is it allows you to not ever deal with anything because it's not really you, you know?

This forum is great, but porn is a symptom to a larger problem sometimes and to me it sounds like you're using it as a way to escape, and if that's the case, I would suggest you seek out therapy, in whatever form you can. You talk about training the body hard, it's time to give the same effort in your head, because it is hard work and it is exhausting, but you're important. You're not alone, in the struggles with porn or anything else. We're here for you!
 

Rex

Active Member
harpoon said:
I guess the addiction has pretty much taken over, but sometimes I can manage a thought or two and today I realised how addicted I have become. It's like a secret life that comes to life at night or when I find myself on my own.

During the day I work hard, try to train hard but tbh I am exhausted and am on the edge.

I kinda play a character to get through life. I'm known for always being in a good mood and being positive. Behind it all I have struggled to make it through the day.

  My porn addiction.... I can edge to porn for 2 - 3 hours per night, 7 nights per week. Easy. I have all my favourites,  I can hop from one seen to the next until I find the "perfect" scene.

Anyway it's all old news. Novelty is king.

But I guess there is always a choice and I can always walk away.

Harpoon,

We have all been there. Heck I can't tell you how many nights I spent over the years where I fell to PMO in the early evening and continued all night long until the early hours of the morning. Then without sleep took a shower and got ready for work, commuted to work and then worked a whole day. That's how bad it had a hold of me.  Then my health failed me and Lyme disease and other co-infections wasted away my body.  And the PMO addiction made it worse and I still couldn't stop. There was nothing that could stop me, 3 decades of addiction and it was getting worse. In late 2016 I began to pray the Rosary every day and soon thereafter I went 28 days free from PMO the longest I have ever been free. I then stopped and soon fell to PMO again and then went on a PMO marathon for a year and half. Then I started in late Summer 2018, praying the daily Rosary again and starting in September 25, 2018, I began my journey free from PMO.  Now 1 year and 10 months later I am still free from PMO. It hasn't been easy but I couldn't have done it without God and praying the daily Rosary which has been my main weapon in this fight. The days when I stopped praying the Rosary I could feel I was weakening against the temptations, then started praying again and could feel the temptations melt away again.  The reason why I couldn't beat this addiction though I tried for the last 20 years, was it was just too powerful for me.  I needed God and the Rosary to beat it.  Try saying the Rosary every day, it only takes 15 minutes. I will promise you if you do say it every day, gradually you will begin to see changes and you will suddenly have power over your PMO addiction that you never thought possible.  I thought I was going to die a PMO addict.  I tried everything, but turning the battle over to God and praying the daily Rosary have released me. I still suffer from Lyme disease but my life is a million times better than when I was young and healthy because now I am free from PMO which wasn't the case when I was young and healthy.  Keep fighting and never give up you can do it! 
 

harpoon

Well-Known Member
"Tread softly because you tread on my  dreams." This line entered my mind earlier today. I'm not into poetry but I've always remembered this.

I'm tired of the dance.

Is it alright to take time out to get my shit together? Can I get my shit together? I can't do this anymore. (These are just thoughts I have.)

Porn....afternoon delight. It's endless.

I guess the most important lesson that I have learnt over the past 5 years on here, is that you cannot lie to yourself.

"Do or do not, there is no try."



 

TheNorman

Active Member
A few guys have posted something similar to this sentiment, more eloquently than me, but the gist of it is this: You're either working on getting better or you're not. The trying is the doing. If you go one day without PMO and fall back down, nobody can take that day from you. Build on each success and don't beat yourself up when you fall down. Be honest and accountable, but focus on the fact you're working on getting better. It's the clear mind and guilt free life that we're working for!
 

harpoon

Well-Known Member
Thanks TheNorman ;)

Yes trying is the work. Ever effort counts. I have found that the first few days and the chaser affect are the worst, after that it becomes a sort of marathon where you settle in and van go for long streaks.

It's like a horse trying to jump it's first hurdle.
 

harpoon

Well-Known Member
I was driving in my car earlier and I wondered why I felt like goddamn shit, and I just said aloud "what the fuck do you expect? You are a massive porn addict!" And this is true.

Maybe it's just me or is it the last thing that you want to give up is usually the first that should of went? You can get active, eat well, cut back on alcohol, reduce sugar, but c'mon if you edge to porn every night for two-hours and then collapse in self pity what do you expect.

I guess porn doesnt want you to think badly of her. It couldn't be porn that makes you feel bad, that makes you feel good duh. Just getting rid of a load. A load of your life force.

I was an addict before porn. Once porn came along I wandered down pornville with a smile on my face from cheek to cheek. Follow me. Anything you want! It's on me.
Sunshine lollipops...

It helps to write here right now. Just to stop for a moment and decide what way to go.

What I've learned today is this ~ happiness and porn use (for me at least) cannot exist together.




 

ZiggyBoo

Member
Hey Harpoon,

As TheNorman says above, you?re here trying and that?s a positive step in the right direction even if you?re feeling shitty right now. I?ve been where you are many times over the years.. self loathing plays into the cycle of shame and is only destructive. Try to give yourself some grace and keep focusing on progressing forward
 

harpoon

Well-Known Member
The last few days, and even returning here just to post my thoughts, well I knew it was time to start reboot again....obviously I dragged my feet, but i am, at least, trying.
 

TheNorman

Active Member
I tried to quit watching porn a few times in the past. I didn't read about it, I didn't change any of my behaviours or habits, I didn't talk to anyone about it: I just thought I would stop like I had stopped other destructive things and that would be that. Then, because it's more than just a bad habit, you relapse, you feel like a failure and you take that pain and disappointment and use it as an excuse to keep going back. Then, because you're back and you feel like shit it's just that cycle over again, like the first try didn't even happen.

That's not where you are Harpoon. You're not some random guy, just hoping you'll get this thing solved by a wing and a prayer. You're here. You're reading about it. You're seeing ways to change your habits and behaviours to help you avoid those triggers, and you're talking to us; a bunch of guys who are or were exactly where you are now. Every time you fall down look at what you were thinking or doing that helped you fall down and avoid those things. You can fall down as many times as you need if every time you do, you see what tripped you up and learn to avoid that, because eventually you'll avoid so many of them that you'll be running towards freedom.

Welcome back. We'll say that every time you are back, because we're just happy to see you trying. You be happy too, because you're worth trying for.
 

harpoon

Well-Known Member
Thanks TheNorman i appreciate those words of encouragement.

So I had two days clean. The second night I drank myself to sleep, and even the next morning with a hangover I felt better than if I had pmo. Porn is a major contribution to anxiety and depression me thinks.

After my hangover had subsided I went for a 2hour cycle, i had tons of energy. It's amazing had porn drains your energy.

 

harpoon

Well-Known Member
So I guess I'm on "day 2."

Here's how I feel....so across my chest I feel pressure, I'm stressed and anxious, and on edge. Rather than go straight out the door and go for a run, I lie on my bed, phone in hand, writing this but maybe it's just knowing that porn is just a click away brings some sort of relief.

I'm bored, I'm horny, and feel like shit...three great reasons to pmo, but I must try today.

"No, nay, never no more" The Wild River, The Dubliners

 
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