The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

[harpoon]

So thanks for all the kind words earlier I got through it and back on track

 

[harpoon]

If I had a wish, what would I wish for? Maybe just a chance to be free from porn - I am living that chance right now.

Something inside tells me to keep going

 

[harpoon]

I can't count days anymore, today is just today

 

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

Thank you for reply @Escapeandnevercomeback. A few weeks ago I would of wished to have 20 days porn free, and if I can do anyone can, trust me

Of course. You don't need to stop once you have the momentum.

 

[harpoon]

I have to say i had a good day. I met friends for breakfast and managed to get in a swim and a cycle. Later on in the evening I had cravings so went for a jog.

My gf is out of isolation tomorrow so that'll get interesting

 

[harpoon]

Sooo I want to be honest on here and be real with you guys so here it is, last night I watched some porn, I did stop and I didn't ejaculate to it but I did watch some.

I didn't enjoy watching it tbh i actually felt like I was being torn apart. I felt so conflicted. I was able to say enough and walk away.

I didn't enjoy watching it tbh I guess it took the edge off the withdrawals but I'll be honest and say that I realised its over and that I would prefer to be with my gf than do this anymore. 100%.

The problem I find is that my brain doesn't recognise whether I'm watching a sexy tv presenter or a porn scene. I have tuned into a show I like just to see if this particular women is wearing anything sexy (I follow her on social media too, y'know for the holiday bikini photos) I can now see that my brain still gets that little hit and that really what I'm after.

I know I must truely commit and no more, social media and no more viewing shows to see whatever, because it keeps this alive.

Anyway my progress is pushed back somewhat but its OK too

 

[TakeActionNow]

Radical honesty is the path to success. Be absolutely truthful to yourself

You might just be going through motion. Learned behaviors and unconscious habits take some time to get over.

As long as you catch yourself early, and desist, you'd gradually build new habits and behaviors that do not support the addiction.

You're doing great. Keep it going.

 

[harpoon]

@TakeActionNow thank you it's funny tho, the thing I thought that i wanted more than anything in the world wasn't what i thought it was.

To actually switched off my phone in that moment was massive for me

 

[Blondie]

Hey @harpoon, this is a great thing for you. This whole process is learning about yourself and how your mind will tell you one thing, while it really wants another thing. Great job on turning porn off, and as @TakeActionNow mentioned, just being honest about this is key. If you read around these parts, everyone has this moment in the thread, where they realize that looking at porn substitutes is NOT porn but your mind does not know the difference and is thus, leading you right back into the trap.

he problem I find is that my brain doesn't recognise whether I'm watching a sexy tv presenter or a porn scene. I have tuned into a show I like just to see if this particular women is wearing anything sexy (I follow her on social media too, y'know for the holiday bikini photos) I can now see that my brain still gets that little hit and that really what I'm after.

I did this too, and while it's not PORN, the same motives are there, and you're way too close to ground zero to be able to act accordingly. I had to, and I think most have had to, just to cut all of this out, because it doesn't help us at at the end of the day. Obviously, if you look at p subs, don't think you've relapsed, however, it should be a sign that you need to be very careful. You can always incorporated "some" of it back later on down the road, but in general, there's just no reason to be doing that anyway.

At the end of the day, we're seeking beauty in real life, and not on a screen.

Best to you.

 

[Phineas 808]

...it's funny tho, the thing I thought that i wanted more than anything in the world wasn't what i thought it was.

It (almost) never lives up to its hype! It's typically never what we excpect it to be when we first come on...

Good job on pulling out and seeing it for the emptiness that it is...

(sorry for the 'like-bombardment', just catching up )

 

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

It (almost) never lives up to its hype! It's typically never what we excpect it to be when we first come on...

Good job on pulling out and seeing it for the emptiness that it is...

(sorry for the 'like-bombardment', just catching up )

That's right. Garry Wilson said the same thing: We seek more than we need. You think the porn session is going to be mind-blowing and then it's over and you say: That's it? I wish I didn't start it in the first place. Happens to me a lot. The pleasure becomes a distant memory very fast.

 

[harpoon]

Yesterday was the first day during this reboot that I didn't post on here. It was the first day that I was ok with everything and tbh I didn't think of porn at all.

I'm lucky that I have a newish girlfriend and we have a connection and i feel that i'm at a point now where I would actually like to give 100% to this relationship.

We will see what happens with everything but atm i'm OK without porn and ok with me

The only advice I can give anymone really is that you have to keep busy, always.

 

[TakeActionNow]

Congrats on the relationship!

 

[harpoon]

Congrats on the relationship!

@TakeActionNow I'm really learning things again and for the first time but atm it's all good

 

[Phineas 808]

The only advice I can give anymone really is that you have to keep busy, always.

This is good advice, brother. But the time will come (and you're training for it now) when one doesn't have to stay busy, that they can be so okay with themselves (as you said above) that they can literally be doing nothing, or resting, and because they're okay with themselves, no need to obsess or fixate arises, no need to self-medicate.

You're doing great, brother!

 

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

This is good advice, brother. But the time will come (and you're training for it now) when one doesn't have to stay busy, that they can be so okay with themselves (as you said above) that they can literally be doing nothing, or resting, and because they're okay with themselves, no need to obsess or fixate arises, no need to self-medicate.

You're doing great, brother!

I agree with this. You need to get to a point where it comes from inside. All other things are external tools. When you can't have them, for whatever reason, then what? But, I guess, until you can get to that point, you need to use whatever helps.

 

[harpoon]

I'm alright with not watching porn atm. I guess thats partly because I'm with someone and I'm doing stuff so the withdrawals are a little easier. Sleep is horrific btw

I have noticed that the horrible ocd thoughts aren't as frequent or intense and I am a lot more stable. I can walk away from urges and life is ok. I won't lie at times it can be overwhelming but for the most part i hope with time that I can become a better person and as close as I can now be to my true self.

It's funny tho, I had a little argument with the gf this morning, and for a moment I was like fuck you, let's watch porn but then I was able to say to myself "No, this is not about her, this is about you" and I reckon if I can handle my Dad passing away and get in to a good position in a reboot like this, then there's not much that can make me watch porn anymore.

I'm actually very good at putting my phone yo the side at night and can actually watch a movie without my phone stuck in my face.

One thing I will say is that while I was using porn I really didn't feel intense passion in the bedroom... now I'm all over it like a lamp shade.

 

[harpoon]

I'll be honest here, once I tore back the porn addiction I found that I do indeed have depression, however its worse than I thought have I been medicating with porn, 100%

Now with no porn, I can feel the stress, the panic and despair. There's an uncomfortable feeling of doom at times, and it's tough.

Maybe I'm just tired, but I know that it's not supposed to be this way.

 

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

I'll be honest here, once I tore back the porn addiction I found that I do indeed have depression, however its worse than I thought have I been medicating with porn, 100%

Now with no porn, I can feel the stress, the panic and despair. There's an uncomfortable feeling of doom at times, and it's tough.

Maybe I'm just tired, but I know that it's not supposed to be this way.

It is true. Some of us have been using our addiction to numb stuff like that. When you don't have this "tool", this "anti-depressant" at your disposal, they come back and their blow might seem even harder because of the fact that we haven't really built callouses for them. I know I've been using alcohol and porn to escape my trauma. Every time I try to go longer without medication, it comes back to me to remind me I need a break from myself. The suffering experienced because of lack of medication may suck big time but it actually gives us the opportunity to address it and fix it. Numbing it with addictive substances or behaviors won't lead to anything good.

 

[Roberto Jimenez]

I'll be honest here, once I tore back the porn addiction I found that I do indeed have depression, however its worse than I thought have I been medicating with porn, 100%

Now with no porn, I can feel the stress, the panic and despair. There's an uncomfortable feeling of doom at times, and it's tough.

Maybe I'm just tired, but I know that it's not supposed to be this way.

I'm right there with ya.....
For me it's a double whammy, because I gave up drugs awhile ago so I can't lean on them either.
I'm clean from them for going on 11 months but porn is the harder struggle.