The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

harpoon

Respected Member
Hi Harpoon, I have just read a bunch of your posts on the last couple of pages on this thread and I just wanted to say that I have total and utter respect for you. It sounds like you've been through a lot, but hats off to you for being so brave and honest with those around you. Reading your posts and seeing how strong you have been, gives me hope and belief. Keep going!
@Rain2000 thank you so much ;)
 

harpoon

Respected Member
So today was 30 days (with a small glitch or two.) I ran a marathon. Dublin. 3hrs 40mins. I felt great all day and kicked some ass!! It was the best day in a long time and I felt great.

After 30kms on the legs, I realised that 'this is it' 'this is what I need' - the challenge. Whether it's running, cycling, swimming, weights, I need the challenge.

I'm on a high and just for today we'll leave it at that 😃👍
 

Dungalef

Active Member
Just dipping into your story here for the first time, and just wanted to say I'm so impressed! I love the way you're facing your struggles head-on... Talking to counselors, opening up to the people close to you...I think that's so key in robbing this addiction of it's power.

Congrats on the marathon as well!
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
Hi @harpoon - I just looked up Conquer Series and it’s got lots of useful stuff and doesn’t look like a fraud so I reckon that’s legit.

Spoiler alert, article says you can fix your brain but it takes 2-3 years.

Let’s do it.
 

harpoon

Respected Member
So 32 days in... here is how I feel..

The withdrawal headaches have gone, its fair to say, for the most part I feel good. There I a longing or a want within me but I can manage atm.

I noticed I'm virtually anxiety free which is crazy, I have been crippled with anxious thoughts for years. I'd have sexual thoughts about anyone and anything within close proximity to me, thet gave practically gone.

I was ordering a coffee today and I noticed the woman behind the counter, she had a nice smile and a nice figure and its mad for me to even notice these things. I bought food in the supermarket and the girl at the check out was all chatty and smiley as i was (which is fn unusual.)

I was saying that i ran the marathon, well I went for a walk on the beach and noticed a woman with the marathon beanie hat and we had a great chat about the marathon.

I do get urges, and tbh it's nice to get them, it makes me feel like I'm healing.

Dead time kills me, and if all I have to do is keep my ass busy then I'll do whatever I have to.
 

harpoon

Respected Member
I chatted with a man from the SLAA today. I don't want to sound like an asshole but to me there seemed to be so much secrecy attached to this addiction.

I am not going to whimper from this crap anymore, i'll sit here and squirm if needs be.

I dont need an accountability partner because I have accepted that I'm accountable for my actions (that's just me.)

I dont need a porn blocker app on my phone. I'm my own porn blocker. To me doing that gives porn back the power. Maybe I'm wrong but this I my approach now.

I want to live life, and the only way forward is to heal.

I can see the benefits already. Energy, calmness, clarity, not being afraid of my fn shadow, this is not always but better than never.

And ladt night, for the first night my brain seemed to fill with sleepy chemicals and i fell asleep.

I use to have horrible intrusive sexual thoughts, about everyone and everything. I knew those thoughts to be untrue. You know what? Those thoughts are gone, almost completely and thats something I never thought would happen.

Like @Blondie said its a (big fat fn) lie.

Anyway tomorrow is my next goal
 

harpoon

Respected Member
So i took a call tonight from a member of the SLAA. He listened to me and was surprised at my 32 days and white knuckle approach as he put it.

He did speak about his own struggles and getting off porn. It was the first time in my life that I spoke to someone else with a porn problem. I have to say I enjoyed the conversation.
 

Simon2

Active Member
That's great progress brother! That is the kind of full shift that can lead our lives in a new direction permanently!

I am still struggling with the sexual thoughts. I tell myself that this is a pleasure I don't want to give up. It's totally hidden - just inside me. Nobody will ever know. But truly these fantasies only bring pain ultimately - through their lack of fulfillment and in my case also the feeling dirty part.

So good on you! Be the master of your own mind. :)
 

harpoon

Respected Member
It is with a heavy heart that....I never want to start a sentence that way.

Today was tough, but as they say tough won't kill you. I ran in the rain, I walked in the wind, I drove in my car and I swam, well in a pool 🤣 I just kept busy.

I tried a zoom meeting but tbh its not for me, I prefer a chat on the phone. I'll see if that can be arranged.

For those interested I think I'm in a flatline, Mr winky is about as good as one of those fake ding dongs on a female hyena.

But I look at it this way, its healing, so it's good in a way.
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
Flatline is a real fucker. Here’s the thing, and you must try and believe me: it goes on, then it goes away. Mr Winky will return and he’ll be wearing a top hat and tails. I can’t remember all my flatlines but I have probably had 4 or 5 episodes (ranging in duration from 3/4 days to several weeks) in my 8 months recovery. Mr Winky is still unreliable but he’s bigger (really - I’m pathetic because this is important to me) and that I am sure is due to my monk mode.

However scared you are, I promise I was the same. I pretended to be cool about it, but I thought this is hell, and what if my flatline is different and I don’t get my libido back? This is NOT going to help, but it’s true…..you need to be patient. Go full monk mode. You will learn so much about yourself.

Good luck pal.
 

harpoon

Respected Member
Flatline is a real fucker. Here’s the thing, and you must try and believe me: it goes on, then it goes away. Mr Winky will return and he’ll be wearing a top hat and tails. I can’t remember all my flatlines but I have probably had 4 or 5 episodes (ranging in duration from 3/4 days to several weeks) in my 8 months recovery. Mr Winky is still unreliable but he’s bigger (really - I’m pathetic because this is important to me) and that I am sure is due to my monk mode.

However scared you are, I promise I was the same. I pretended to be cool about it, but I thought this is hell, and what if my flatline is different and I don’t get my libido back? This is NOT going to help, but it’s true…..you need to be patient. Go full monk mode. You will learn so much about yourself.

Good luck pal.
GBS thank you so much for reply :) I will remain strong 💪
 
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