The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

[harpoon]

Ho for a run you have to laugh sometimes

This is the most bizarre experience of my life. I can feel like Superman one evening and then a scared little bout the next day.

I can feel again, it's amazing and so hard at the same time. I would be devastated to go back now.

The withdrawal headaches are gone, there is just a kind of numb throb behind my forehead.

I sweated all night, whatever that was about. Then woke up with morning would, which was nice, although I have noticed that if I have morning wood I generally will have cravings.

The cravings come in waves and there is a anxious feeling attached. I have been at home on my own and could manage. I am now in a caravan at the beach on my own and I know I will not watch again...that has to mean sometime.

I do find life excruciatingly boring at times but just try to keep busy.

 

[harpoon]

Last night I went on Instagram (note to self - delete instagram) There was a videio of a woman, I just clicked on it. She was walking in leggings. I clicked on a link in her profile and I brought me to onlyfans.

Was i tempted to open the box a little more... yes, however I did close the tab in a split second.

The never in my wildest dreams would I gave been able to walk away from that kind of temptation in the past, never and waking up with morning wood proves to me that I'm on the right path.

A lesson learned.

 

[harpoon]

Today is the toughest day so far anxiety, fear, feelings of despair, unsure of myself, cravings etc despite morning wood I now feel nothing, no libido ugh

But I suppose this statement is true - misery is guaranteed if I relapse (that's a given) but if I remain strong tomorrow may possibley be great. Relapse and I will never know.

 

[harpoon]

I went for a sea swim with a group just after having those cravings. It's amazing that those cravings just dissapear when in the water or while chatting. I felt great after it and it has given me inspiration to make it to tomorrow.

I have to thank every1 on herrme for all the encouragement and helpful advice so far. Without you guys I wouldn't be sitting here in the best position I have been in years. No matter what happens, I will always be honest on here and always try my best.

I've found that it's better to feel good and crave than to use and feel like shite.

 

[harpoon]

I guess eventually you just let go...what did I read yesterday.. try not to think about a leopard in a polka dot t shirt on a surfboard hmmm well you get the picture.

All I know is to keep busy, keep looking forward and that's it. There is no secret to this and there is no more.

I've always wanted everything, instantly, but real life isn't like this and real life can be so tough at times, however it can also be great so "just keep punchin' Apollo"

 

[harpoon]

I'll be very honest here, maybe a little too honest but hey here goes.

I never really got in to any extreme porn, it was always just the novelty and scenarios that was enough...Well that was one side. On the other side and I can see it, that there was porn actresses that I was fapping to the hold a striking resembles to ppl in my life.

I could name three female friends that i somehow found porn doppelgangers. It is what it is now. But yeah porn+

Life without porn is fine, the problem is the brain I'm alone in the house again and it could be party time but I don't and I won't use porn....that's not to say I don't feel like crying my eyes out or lying on the ground and just curling up in a ball.

There's a longing, a want, a sad feeling. I feel anxious.

I'd love to meet someone and be able to just enjoy them and be happy rather than the alternative, pulling the balls off myself looking at a screen alone.

I feel like I have been plunged into reality from my safe place I had created and this reality isn't enough.

 

[Nico]

There's a longing, a want, a sad feeling. I feel anxious.

I'd love to meet someone and be able to just enjoy them and be happy rather than the alternative, pulling the balls off myself looking at a screen alone.

I feel like I have been plunged into reality from my safe place I had created and this reality isn't enough.

Oh mate I can relate to this right now! You are doing really well and inspire me, you are not alone in this fight. We have to have faith that the struggles are worth it, and envision and trust that we can build a life which is enough

 

[TakeActionNow]

that's not to say I don't feel like crying my eyes out or lying on the ground and just curling up in a ball.

There's a longing, a want, a sad feeling. I feel anxious.

I'd love to meet someone and be able to just enjoy them and be happy rather than the alternative, pulling the balls off myself looking at a screen alone.

I feel like I have been plunged into reality from my safe place I had created and this reality isn't enough.

Its been said that all our answers are already in the words we've spoken.

We know what we want so let's go out and get them!

I was in the same low state as you 5 yrs back.
To be honest I really have to thank myself for dragging my sorry ass out and doing things even when I didn't feel like, didn't like or didn't know if any good was gonna come out of it.

Today I have family and child and I cannot be more grateful to my earlier self for continuing on, not bowing out, and not giving in.

I want your future to be good too. No one can give you a good future except yourself.

Take your time to recover. I've had those crawl into bed cowering anxiety filled moments before too. Take all the time you need.
And then go out.
And ask for help
And get help
And help yourself
And then help others
And then keep on going
And never look back.

You will have a good future.
You will.
5 years ago I didn't believe I will.
Now I do.
You will to.
You 100% will.

 

[harpoon]

Its been said that all our answers are already in the words we've spoken.

We know what we want so let's go out and get them!

I was in the same low state as you 5 yrs back.
To be honest I really have to thank myself for dragging my sorry ass out and doing things even when I didn't feel like, didn't like or didn't know if any good was gonna come out of it.

Today I have family and child and I cannot be more grateful to my earlier self for continuing on, not bowing out, and not giving in.

I want your future to be good too. No one can give you a good future except yourself.

Take your time to recover. I've had those crawl into bed cowering anxiety filled moments before too. Take all the time you need.
And then go out.
And ask for help
And get help
And help yourself
And then help others
And then keep on going
And never look back.

You will have a good future.
You will.
5 years ago I didn't believe I will.
Now I do.
You will to.
You 100% will.

Thank you so much I have committed 100% for the first time in my life, and will continue to fight every day no matter how hard this gets.

 

[harpoon]

I'm going to be real here, its all I have.

The loneliness, depression and nothingness at times can be unbearable. The urge to use porn can come and go and I'm generally OK, but I can see that the pain involved in withdrawal would drive someone back for relief.

I've used ppl over the years to mask the problem. With my last girlfriend I was broken, its obvious now.... I didn't realise how fucked up I had become.

I'm trying my best but wish the pain would end.

 

[TakeActionNow]

My dear friend,
I feel for you.

Please try to see pain and discomfort differently:
Pain is weakness leaving you.
Pain is your body telling you it is healing.
Pain is telling you to slow down, be careful, be wary and take better care of yourself.
Pain is telling you that you are on the right path.
Pain is good for you.
Pain is your friend.

Please always remember this:
"The body hurts whenever it is healing"
"Healing is never pain free"

It is painful when we study hard for an exam
It is painful the days after a long hike.
It is painful when we breakup.
It is painful when we are sick.

Don't focus on the pain.
Focus on the day you'll recover and live freely again.

Be strong my friend.
You can do this.

 

[harpoon]

I chatted with a guy tonight from a porn addiction support group. He seems like a nice guy and has recovered from porn addiction himself. I just asked a few questions and he answered every question.

I dont know what to say about porn anymore....its over, I'm happy to make the effort and heal. I have been to rock bottom and I didn't relapse so I can't see that i will now. My mindset has changed.

I like being sober...l like living in reality, I like to live in hope, I like that sometimes I feel great.

I have chatted with some lovely ppl over the past month. I'll never forget making that call yo the samaritans on "day 1" 38 days ago I said "porn has destroyed my life, and destroyed me as a man" the lady on the other end of the phone said "those are big statments" and I said "maybe, but they're true."

I feel hope now, not all the time, but sometimes and thats enough, I know things can only improve.

I don't worry about libido or urges or whatever I just accept time will heal these problems.

Everything is OK today

 

[harpoon]

FYI i find Trish Leigh on YouTube very helpful. She has named the voice telling you to watch porn The Hijacker, I prefer The Hitcher (I can visualize Rutger Hauer chasing me and trying to kick my ass!)

I off for a swim to try make this a positive morning

 

[TakeActionNow]

YouTube algorithm popped Trish Leigh for the first time on my feed last night!
Something tells me they know too much !

 

[harpoon]

Day 40 tomorrow I can't say it was an absolute flawless run, but it was pretty close

The number one benefit at the moment is energy its unbelievable tbh I'm jogging 5k every night, walking every day and back lifting weights.

My diet has improved, the crap is out and the whole foods are back.

I try to visualise how I want to be in the future. I want to be fit and healthy and look well, but most of all porn free.

My journal here and talking have helped immensely but the one thing I can always do when in trouble is put in my earphones, crank up Guns N Roses and just go for a walk, and those walks have saved me more times than I can remember.

It is actually nice to be porn free, and I never thought i would say that.

An old Spanish work buddy of mine use to say - Today is today, tomorrow is tomorrow

 

[harpoon]

I had an appointment in an addiction clinic today. I was in great form. At the meeting i was told that I would have to do two zoom meetings per week with the SLAA in order to be accepted on the outpatients program which was another two evenings per week.

Well you can guess where this is going I spend very little time atm thinking about porn so my logic was I didn't want to spend four evenings per week yapping about it.

I've joined clubs and i'm meeting ppl all the time, why give that up to sit alone on a zoom call talking about porn? No spank you.

He said something like that I "wasn't willing to surrender" I looked at him and said I accept the fact I'm an addict but surrendering nah I'd sooner fight it.

I said I've been to hell, i've been at rock bottom and you can't heal until you've been there. He just looked at me

The facility reminded me of the hospital from one flew over the cuckoo's nest

This is just my approach at the moment and i'm happy and comfortable with it, so just h
gonna do my own thing .

 

[Simon2]

I totally agree with you! Build your real life so in you don't want to escape from it!

 

[Rain2000]

I had an appointment in an addiction clinic today. I was in great form. At the meeting i was told that I would have to do two zoom meetings per week with the SLAA in order to be accepted on the outpatients program which was another two evenings per week.

Well you can guess where this is going I spend very little time atm thinking about porn so my logic was I didn't want to spend four evenings per week yapping about it.

I've joined clubs and i'm meeting ppl all the time, why give that up to sit alone on a zoom call talking about porn? No spank you.

He said something like that I "wasn't willing to surrender" I looked at him and said I accept the fact I'm an addict but surrendering nah I'd sooner fight it.

I said I've been to hell, i've been at rock bottom and you can't heal until you've been there. He just looked at me

The facility reminded me of the hospital from one flew over the cuckoo's nest

This is just my approach at the moment and i'm happy and comfortable with it, so just h
gonna do my own thing .

Good for you!

 

[harpoon]

I wonder has anything really changed? What am I even trying to achieve? What is the point of this?
The main benefits I have noticed is that I'm not nervous in social situations, Intrusive sexual thoughts are not really noticeable, I pee less and have morning wood.....is that enough?

What do I want out of this? A true version of me, happy in a relationship would be enough. Well then, porn is not an option.

 

[Beautiful1973]

Hey Paul, I just want to say how well you are doing, you should be really proud of yourself.

I spend very little time atm thinking about porn so my logic was I didn't want to spend four evenings per week yapping about it.

I totally agree with this, I think it’s much more productive to put your energy into activities and connection. I’m pro Therapy, but 4x nights a week seems a little intense.

I just listened to a great podcast this morning, which I think you would enjoy, well worth checking out: