I have to wonder is there more going on here than just porn withdrawal....I mean i'm on my knees with depression at this point.
I slept terrible and woke up in a pool of sweat several times
Depression, depression, depression a theme I have known for so long and I've just had enough at this stage.
The more I read and watch about porn the more I think I have medicated depression with porn (mood regulation).
So what's causing this depression then? Atm it's a double whammy, because porn withdrawals but what's causing my depression?
On another note, I was walking at the beach yesterday and I was low, I literally walked in circles for a half hour. I felt so isolated.
I reached out to a woman I had an affair with. We were great friends once. We met and went for a walk.
I won't lie, in the back of my mind a little part of me did think I could get her in the bed, just to feel good for awhile.
She said I broke her heart (she basically had left her husband for me and then I backed away.) I apologised, she accepted my apology (I explained the situation at the time was out of control and ppl were getting hurt.)
The reality, I was using her to feel good. My Dad had just died and if I'm honest with myself that's all it was, a great distraction and some fn about. In the end when I realised I could be caught I took the first exit.
Anyway we met yesterday, she has a new job, has given up alcohol and seems more driven than I have seen her in years. Of course I lied again, I said things like "the truth is I wanted you, but I couldn't have you" she'd say "I gave you myself on a plate" and she did. I know she loves me, and I've known that for some time (I don't want to sound like an asshole, but I just know.) Do I love her? No. I don't. But I would tell her I do in the hope of getting her in the bed so I could feel good for a little while.
I realised when I was talking that some of the things I was saying were absolute lies, all aimed at getting her in bed.
Am I that addicted to all this that i'm willing to destroy so many ppls life's...again?
I hope there is some love left in my soul, but it seems to be that all i'm driven for is me me me. I want I want I want.
I had look on a dating app then and was texting a woman, she didn't want causal hook ups so of course I lied again and said I was after a long term thing. But it's all lies too. What I wanted there was something new to get off with for a few weeks and then get the fuck out of there. I just stopped texting her.
If any1 has any advice on all that pls comment.